You couldn't
"You couldn't pass me that paper?"
"You couldn't do me a favour?"

You couldn't just bloody say 'Could you', or even 'Please could you' if you are worried that sounds too forward...
When someone asks with "you couldn't" I just want to say "That's right".
(CaraVAGgio, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 9:12, 2 replies)

Thought of another one
Acqua - when stated as the main ingredient/componant of a product.

Who do you think you're fooling? Where can I purchase some of this magic ingredient? Why are you charging me (or Mrs G anyway) £13.99 for a tiny tube of moisturiser when it's 98% FUCKING WATER!!!!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 9:11, 2 replies)

"My friend"
used by waiters etc as in "we'll have you seated in a moment my friend". FUCK OFF YOU CUNT. I chose who my friends are & YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM YOU CUNT.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 9:11, 3 replies)

Gypsy and Gypsum
Essentially any word begining with Gyp ... it doesn't sounds right, it doesn't look right and more importantly it doesn't bloody well feel right and I have no idea why.
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Hearing 'I haven't got none' has annoyed me as long as I can remember
In fact, I used to try to correct my infant classmates' use of it before I was 7.

'If you haven't got NONE then you've got SOME!' I'd explain, to be met with blank stares.

The Rolling Stones' 'I Can't Get No Satisfaction' baffled me. Didn't they know how ignorant they sounded?

*sigh*
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 9:08, 2 replies)

Blue sky thinking
Makes me cringe
(zacalicious still afloat on, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 8:48, Reply)

"Stunning"
"Stunning"is hideously over-used and was the main reason I stopped buying photography mags - yes, it's a nice photo/view/semi-clad young lady, but I don't feel like I just walked into a lamp-post at the sight of it.

Also "Stunna" - the Daily Sport's label for Pig of the Day.
(Mister_E_Meat was caught sniffing bike saddles at, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 8:36, 1 reply)

Ibiza
It's iBeetha, not EYE-beetha. Theres no Eye in Spanish.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 8:34, 9 replies)

Fearne Bloody Cotton
and her repeated requests for people to "give her a text".

It's not a physical thing so I can't gve you one*, but I may consider sending one.



*Insert own joke here!
(jono_h, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 8:28, 1 reply)

Mis-pronunciation of common words
I used to have a headmaster who said 'electriticy' and got *very* sharp if corrected by a pupil.

'Supposably' for 'supposedly' - how the heck can you get that wrong?

'Wensday' is not a day of the week, unless the Norse All-father was really named 'Wen'!

Similarly, 'Feb-yew-erry' is not a month of the year.

I also dislike it when people use 'nucular' for 'nuclear', 'of' for 'have' (I should of thought of that...), or the interjection 'you know' as a conversational comma.

What bugs me, is when I've been pronouncing a word a certain way, because I've only seen it written down, then run into someone who pronounces it a different way, for the same reason. Especially if I'm wrong, because it takes me *ages* to correct my pronunciation.

I once described a huge old car my Dad had as being an absolute behemoth (pronounced buh-hee-muth), and got confused looks from someone who eventually twigged and said the same word as bayer-moth.

Ditto 'leviathan' - luh-vee-ya-thun or leh-vya-thun?


I quite like it when language forms new structures. I don't mind "My bad." as a phrase indicative of "I made a trivial mistake and accept responsibility, but as it was so trivial, let's waste no more time on it." I prefer it to 'Sorry' on certain occasions, where I'm not feeling any degree of actual sorrow, but recognise that I have made a mistake that I should not have done.

And I rather like the pronunciation of 'WTF?' as 'wuh-tuh-fuh?' as this is handy for situations where I don't want to say 'fuck', but it sounds sufficiently close to the original phrase.

I work in a programming team, and it's not unknown for someone to pronounce 'RTFM' as 'Rutfum' in answer to a question. Also heard from time to time is 'Jufgey' (JFGI).

The most disassociated from reality though was one recently, where I offered to tape an album for a friend. What I meant was rip a CD to MP3 and copy it onto a memory stick for him. Actual tape and vinyl were not involved, but he knew what I meant anyway...
(Leo Sasquatch hates being the grown-up, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 8:08, 6 replies)

The thing about language is...
..it's language, a means of communication, not a fucking exercise in technical perfection. There is no single correct usage, if you find yourself constantly pointing out how other people are "getting it wrong", you're the cunt not them. Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, to the QotW.

I used to work for a US company, which meant lucky me got to hear all the buzzwords before they became common parlance in the UK. I was leveraging my ying yang, running it up flag poles and picking my low hanging fruit for a quick win when I was barely out of short trousers. They way to defeat people who use these phrases is just say "sorry I don't understand" whenever they use them. Most of the time the speaker doesn't know what the fuck they meant by leveraging their synergies either.

BUT let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater, there are occasions when this language defines a new idea or method that needs a name. Brainstorming isn't just a wanky way of saying "shout out some ideas", it's a formal approach to help groups of people problem solve, innit.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 9 Apr 2010, 8:04, 5 replies)

xkcd.com/725/
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 8:01, 2 replies)

THINGS THAT MAKE ME FROTH AT THE MOUTH
English is an amazing language that has evolved over thousands of years with the influence of a grand parade of invaders. It's a marvelous cathedral with a Germanic foundation, Norse floorboards, and Norman French walls, buttressed by Latin and ornamented by words accreted from all over the globe, from canoe to algebra, dungaree, and even banana. It's a marvelous mongrel of a tongue, with an incredibly vast vocabulary and relatively serviceable syntax.

But do you know what word does NOT exist? Fucking "irregardless". IT'S NOT A WORD. You meant to say "regardless" or perhaps "irrespective", but "irregardless" is not. a. damn. word.

Also, there is a difference between "discrete" and "discreet". One means to be individually distinct, the other means to be circumspect or show prudence. Using one in place of the other means you are not prudent, although it may mean you are individually distinct from others around you in that you are a total moron.

Finally, learn the difference between "there", "their", and "they're", and while you're at it, learn the proper use of possessive apostrophes. I believe there should be a fine for signmakers that use possessive apostrophes on words that are simply plural. On the third offense, you should simply be dragged into the street and shot for polluting the public way with your poisonous wares.

/end rant
(herbivorous, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 7:30, 6 replies)

I can just about get
abbreviating "to" or "too" as "2".
But using "4" for "for" (sorry) really winds me up.
Say them out loud.
FOR.... FOUR....

Completely bloody different!

Add: And to make it worse, businesses use it when there is no NEED to abbreviate the word, Phones Four You? Gibberish.
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 7:23, 5 replies)

Whatever

( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 7:14, 1 reply)

Nu metal
This irritates me on several levels:

- it uses 'trendy, yoof' spelling, forever the intellectual property of cunts;

- calling it 'Nu metal' makes it sound like music listened to by the Teletubbies;

- it's got fuck all to do with actual metal. It's just rap with electric guitars. On that logic, Brown and co. should probably rebrand themselves as Nu Labour so as not to fall foul of the Trade Descriptions Act on the campaign trail.
( .Yeti., Fri 9 Apr 2010, 6:36, 3 replies)

Not so much annoying as terrifying...
Are those emails with "Can you just pop down for a chat" in the subject line.
( difficultchild, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 6:25, Reply)

Innuendo
is the bane of my life. The day I get a brief that explains exactly what is required in the text I'm being paid to write will be the day I am very happy indeed.
Having to "leverage the power of aggregated content from a third-party source to skew things toward a more female-oriented outlook" really just means "rewrite the crap in the lads mag so we can run a pic of a hot girl" so why not just say it?.
( difficultchild, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 6:24, 1 reply)

Annoying Phrases?

Worst has to be:

"TIME, GENTLEMEN PLEASE"

Makes me want to cry. But leads me on to a story about a pub I used to drink in in the 80s. Closing time back then was 10:30.

"TIME, GENTLEMEN PLEASE" yelled the landlord.

"HALF-PAST TEN!!!" yelled the crowd. "Funny fuckers" muttered landlord.

So, after a few weeks of this he changed to:

"CAN YOU SEE YOUR GLASSES OFF PLEASE"

And 200 drunk rockers would yell:

"BYE-BYE GLASS"

Then, my favourite. Took a bit of co-ordination but was worth it.

"CAN I HAVE YOUR GLASSES NOW PLEASE" yelled landlord

and 200 drunken punters buried him in a pile of 10p plastic sunglasses.

"GET OUT - YOU'RE ALL BARRED"

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 5:43, Reply)

My ex-mother in law
always claimed to be very christian,so instead of "swearing", she would use words like "sugar" instead of shit,and "frag" instead of frig or fuck. She could never (didn't want to) understand that she might as well be swearing her tits off, as the intent was there, only her brain edited what her mouth said.
(M61A1 CUPID- STUNTS, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 5:12, Reply)

A few things guaranteed to make me want to stab myself repeatedly in the face..
Not quite to the letter of the QOTW, but nevertheless I feel compelled to list them:

Mockney phrases - Just fuck off. You are not Jamie Oliver, nor should you aspire to be.

LOL - laughed out loud did you? Muppet.

Text-Speak - Learn to spell and perhaps people won't think you're a cunt.

Like, and other Americanisms - We are NOT the 51st state.

The above are all I can think of at present.
(wuckfit Dulce et decorum est Pro patria mori., Fri 9 Apr 2010, 5:02, 2 replies)

Brain fart.
Just.. what? What are you even trying to convey with that phrase?
(HellHathFury Christ on his pushbike, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 4:32, 2 replies)

Activia
Bifidus digestivum and Bifidus Regularis.
No!! I will NOT eat your dirty, made up named products, no matter how much time you spend trying to make me believe your yoghurt will make me; Less bloated/Poo better/Be healthy and rub my tummy in a simpering style.
Bugger off! Your words do not impress me!
Anyway, I prefer my moo snacks without the dirty, clumpy fruit bits.
Speaking of fruit bits, there goes my b3ta cherry...
(Rocket, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 4:31, 1 reply)

Hows/Howz u
No, you may not house me. I have a perfectly acceptable place of residence already.
(HellHathFury Christ on his pushbike, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 3:51, Reply)

Near Miss
This one truly gets me ready to hurl things at the telly (usually vapid newscasters) or strangle the fuckwit who says it!

A Near Miss is a fucking HIT!!!!!! If you nearly miss something then you have to have hit it, if what these numpties are trying to say is that they almost hit, then use that as the term that it was a Near Accident or a Near Hit, not a fucking Near Miss!!!

Red mist fades and goes back to taking the purple pills to make all the nasty things go away.
(AusMark, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 3:42, 2 replies)

An annoying North Americansim
"I could care less"
well then you fucking care, at least a bit, dont you? You fat gobby wanker.


oh, and "literally" when they mean "not literally". That literally makes my head fucking explode.
(Matty73, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 2:52, 5 replies)

"You're such a nerd"
No I'm not. Well, maybe I am, but you've just met me and I haven't
started discussing quantum theory yet, so there's no way that you could know this.

Knowing the difference between your and you're does not make me a nerd.
Knowing that ironic does not mean what you think it means does not make me a nerd.

You calling me a nerd usually implies that you possess the intelligence of a toothpick.
Fuck off now please before I throttle you for your inadequacy.

I also think the phrase "Oooh, so you're like one of them smart people?" should be grounds for justifiable homicide.
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 2:48, 2 replies)

It's Clique!
Not fucking Click!

Does my fucking head right in.
(Helmut McBucket invites you to pull his finger on, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 1:44, 5 replies)

ROFL
I am yet to see anyone actually ROFLing anywhere.

And if you actually laugh your arse off, that has got to be the quickest way to lose weight, ever.

Unless you're laughing through your arse, in which case I'll be in another room, sitting near an open window.
(DougQuaid Get ya azz to moars..., Fri 9 Apr 2010, 1:21, 4 replies)