Wildheart has reminded me...
Dear Sainsbury's:
You may think that the phrase "colleague announcement" is a more friendly way of saying "staff announcement", but it isn't. It's fucking cretinous.
Yours
Enzyme.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:52, 1 reply)

My two pennies worth...
People used to fill gaps in thought with 'um'. Now they use 'like', 'you know', etc.

The boyf counted my mum and she said 'you know' 147 times in the space of an hour. Now it really pisses me off when I hear her say it since he pointed it out (thanks for that, fella o' mine!).

Also, if you ask my mum what she thinks of something she's eating (say, when at a restaurant rather than normal home dinner times), it's always 'tasty'. AAARRRGGGGH!! I have no rational reason for my dislike of this word. Do you like it or not? I don't need to know that your taste buds currently function normally.
( fluffymitten NAN, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:52, 4 replies)

I work for Subway, so I don't just make sandwiches.
I'm a Sandwich Artiste, not sandwich maker, an artiste.
( Wildheart Baby. Drunken Mess In A Good Way, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:47, 8 replies)

my what?
"Can I help who's next?" WTF

Is it really that hard to say "who's next?" or "may I help you?" or even "May I help the next person?"

Or maybe it's "Can I help whose next?" in which case WTF is a "next?"
(ras, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:46, 4 replies)

My ex mother in law..
..would say, amongst other things, 'chimley' for chimney and 'miggle' for middle. Not because she had a speech impediment but just because she was too fucking lazy and stupid to open her mouth properly when she talked. Stupid bitch.
(mooghead, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:44, Reply)

Really unique.

(Cave Duck, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:44, 1 reply)

In actual fact.

(Cave Duck, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:42, Reply)

Medicine.
Is it pronounced med-sin or med-i-sin?
(blueberrypossum wants to Jaffa your Cake, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:38, 4 replies)

Primark
Apparently it is pronounced Pr-eye-mark and not Pr-ee-mark.
Sorry, my fucking bad.
(Tangerine_Avenger, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:36, 1 reply)

Managementspeak at my workplace
"Now, none of these things are light-switches"
= "I've just told you a bunch of stuff you already knew. And I'm being paid more than you to do it."

"How can we appliantize that?"
= "we want to sell this incredibly complicated thing as a beige box even a drooling idiot could operate. And we're making that your problem."

"How can we get more wood behind this arrow?"
= "None of you want to do [insert degrading activity]. So we want you tell us - how can we make you *want* to do this?"
(grimface, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:34, Reply)

Oooh I've got one
Captainbildo reminded me; people who say "Ye" as in "Ye Olde Shoppe". The "Y" is an old English version of "Th" so it should be pronounced "The".
(kitescreech still here, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:30, 3 replies)

Let's get Forensics onto this...
When did Forensic Science (forensic means legal) cease to be about the science and start to be only about the legal?

Or should I just go with it? - the battle is lost now anyway.
(karnuvap, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:27, Reply)

Imagine you had Hitler following you around all day. Imagine he had a megaphone. Imagine he spat catchy soundbites from his warped ideology into your ear at regular intervals, even when you were trying to sleep. But his favourite target isn't jews/homosexuals/blacks/gypsies anymore. Its you. Hitler has come back from the dead to remind you of every stupid or embarassing thing you've ever said thought or done, like the time you said hi to that guy outside Dixons who was just trying to talk to the girl behind you, or when you tripped and fell flat on your face in south mimms service station carpark in front of hundreds of people on the busiest day of the year and broke your glasses. He knows you fancied ben peterson in year three and got so pathetically attached you still made a beautifully clumsy christmas card to post through his front door a year after he'd moved schools.

He knows all this and worse besides, he knows how useless and pathetic you are and he knows it all unquestionably, because when did a dictator ever need proof?

And because Hitler's all efficient like, he likes to boil down all these horrible pernicious beliefs/truths/lies into cool catchy phrases like "STUPID FAT FUCK" and "GO AND DIE" and thats what he shouts in his megaphone and there is no way to turn it off and its so much worse because of course there is no Hitler and no megaphone, only your cold empty thoughts. So yeah, annoying words and phrases...get a bit annoying.


Length? By the state of things I doubt I'll be around much longer
(fych, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:25, Reply)

iBollocks
ipod, iphone, ipad, Steve Jobs had enough of him and his dictation of what we all want and how we want to use it.

Apple, utter bollocks.
(chrismoo, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:23, 6 replies)

Crack and Craic
People who spell the word crack as "craic". It's not a gaelic word, it was borrowed into gaelic from English and given a gaelic spelling due to the lack of the letter K.

People who frequent Irish themed pubs and went on piss ups to Dublin then began to reborrow (very Orwellian) the gaelicised form of the original English in a futile attempt to sound more cultured.

Just use the correct English spelling which is crack. Ya bastards!
(captainbildo, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:07, 10 replies)

Too many to mention ...
Some people come up with real zingers. I just hate when people try to sound all intelligent and end up saying that big word (that they pulled out of their pocket dictionary) wrong. And my mom saying sherbet, when actually wanting to say shit. If you're gonna swear, at least do it properly. My ex-boss irritated me the most with his favourite phrase : "You understand?" and then walking away before I could answer.
Oh, and the word zingers :)
(SarcasticBunny pfft, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:04, Reply)

my name
one that has always pissed me off is "my name is called". there really is no need for it. if you're called susan, then you would say "my name is susan", NOT "my name is called susan".
your name isn't called anything, YOU are called susan.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:01, 10 replies)

Deliberately mispronounced words.
The thing that transfers smoke from your fireplace through the roof to the outdoors is NOT a "chimbley."

The fluffy fiberglass that you install in the walls of houses to keep you warm in the winter is NOT "itchulation."

The energy source that we use to drive turbines for electricity that's derived from uranium is NOT "nookyoolur."

The gas pedal in a car is NOT the "exhilarator."

Deliberately mangling words is not clever or funny. It just makes you look like a twit.
( Wanderer, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:58, 9 replies)

My ex boss
Man what a jerk; a bald headed, slimy-looking individual, he insited on wearing a white suuit to work. He just used to swan about in head office. ANd pretty much all he ever said to all us minions was "it's a TRAP!".
(kitescreech still here, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:51, Reply)

Have we had
Skellington yet? Grrr
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:35, 2 replies)

Maybe a bit specific
I like my military stuff; tanks, 'planes, ships, you name it. So it really pisses me off on the news when the reporter talks about "British Tanks" and in the background are MICVs or APCs. Makes my blood boil I tell ya.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:26, 5 replies)

"Wensday"
There's a whole syllable you've missed out there. Learn to speak your native tongue before you presume to criticise others.
(gordonjcp, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:23, 7 replies)

Iron
I am soooo sick of people correcting how I say this word: eye-ron.

It is not spelled/nor pronounced eye-yearn (this mode of pronunciation is even more queer when sung).
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:22, 1 reply)

jojoba
there is no H in the word jojoba.
get used to it.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:15, 10 replies)

lid
ever since my mate moved 10 miles away, she has used this word to mean friend. she used to say "hi, how are you?" now she says "alright, lid?"
how the fuck am i a lid? this makes no sense and really annoys me.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:14, 6 replies)

Sekketree
As in "today the home sekketree was disgraced." Usually heard on commercial radio but occasionally even on the soothing tones of radio 4 news. Its a secretary you squirrel fudgers.
(willydoc, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:01, 1 reply)

Not so much phrase but a regional irritation
I reside in Sunny Sheffield and some of the natives pronounce words such as Hospital and Bottle as Hospicle and Bockle. While I realise that as the immigrant I should be more accepting of the linguistic vagaries of my adopted city but I find it infuriating.

I do, however, find being refered to as a Mester quite endearing.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:00, 5 replies)

Nuclear and Regular
Are spelled differently than they're pronounced. I say "nuke-you-ler" and "reg-uh-ler".
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:59, 13 replies)

anyone who is not a lawyer
has no idea what hellish hackneyed phrases we have to trot out time and time again. "these particulars are embarrassing in their want of specificity" is my favourite.

we have a colleague who has a whole raft of silly phrases. but the most annoying by miles is "dare i say it". innocuous enough in itself, although the irritation factor is magnified by a factor of 137 when he says it 137 times a day. but he puts it... at the END of the sentence.

"this costs estimate is ridiculous. dare i say it."
"how do you walk in those heels? dare i say it."
"the lease has to be completed before the expiry of the agreement, which could be tricky. dare i say it."

yes. clearly you DO dare to say it, as you have ALREADY said it. argh!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:56, Reply)

Hmm.
"Lolz". What does this even mean? Does the z make you feel special or significant in some way?
(NancyycnaN Wðñ'† ¥ðµ §hðw §ðmê ¢l姧?, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:41, 6 replies)