I wish my mum did say 'fudge'
She is now 70. She is a very soft, sweet, kind hearted, going slightly do-lally old dear and about 5 years ago she started swearing. Before that not a swear word would pop out of her innocent little mouth.

'What a fucking bastard' came out of her mouth recently.

She actually said 'cunt' last year.

I was mortified.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:32, 1 reply)

Any boardroom lingo
e.g. guesstimate, blue-sky thinking, proactive, on-board, benchmark etc.

Funnily enough guesstimate doesn't even come up on spellcheck.
(MikeyNiv can coin snatch 32 pennies, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:32, 1 reply)

Just thought of another one
It's probably been done but I can't be bothered to wade through 10 pages of other people's drivel.

You do not aks something, you ask.

An otherwise reasonably well educated girl I once worked with used to say it all the time and I swear I nearly punched her for it.
( fluffymitten NAN, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:30, 2 replies)

Diarise
'I'll just diarise that for next week then'

No, stick it in the diary, make an entry in the calendar or send me an invite mongchops, stop inventing words!

*pop!*
(Roger Moore's Right Eyebrow saw your mum on chatroulette on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:30, 1 reply)

Rural Juror
When people from the country try to decide my fate I become tongue tied*

props sexy Tina Fey
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:29, 1 reply)

Hi, how are you
when shopping, or performing any activity involving a brief encounter with another random human.
I know that's just a polite way of showing "respect" to you, but 7/10 times I'll answer with "I'm not that well" or "I'm suicidal", and yet I still get the same "that's good" reply!
WTF?

Also, when news readers start off with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you exactly why it isn't...
(DougQuaid Get ya azz to moars..., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:27, 6 replies)

Features
Back at school being called a twat* was all well and good, everyone at school was a twat*. But being twat* features was not good, it meant they thought you were an actual twat*. 'Features' made it worse. 'Features' made it real.

I'm over it now though.


(* = replace with just about any word in the world)
(mooghead, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:24, Reply)

MATE.
Alright mate? Yes mate. You mate? Yes mate. Nice one mate. Cheers mate.
(Surfeit, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:22, 4 replies)

When pigs learn to fly...
a lot of weird sh*t is going to happen all at once.
(DougQuaid Get ya azz to moars..., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:22, 3 replies)

Just a scratch/little prick
When you to have a vein 'cannulated' (ie a needle in) and someone utters one of the phrases above, kick them in the balls/pedunda and cheerfully say, 'just a slight stroke'.

I have done thousands of cannulations. Some people don't feel a thing, but others feel a lot of pain, it depends on how sensitive the skin you are cannulating through is, and has nothing to do with being a softy.

Suggesting that feeling pain=big girls blouse is cruel. Stop it.

Rant over.
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:19, 5 replies)

"OFF OF"
Id like to take a very large spade and smash the mouth OFF OF the damn face of Scott Mills and any other persistant users of this phrase.
(ProfMoriarty Telegraph'd, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:17, Reply)

Astrological piffle
Being asked "what star sign are you" on a website, and being forced to pick from one of twelve meaningless new age hippy dribble "signs". Come on, we need a thirteenth choice, something like "Sceptic", "Pyrex" (for test tube babies), or my favourite "Astrologyisbollocks".
(treaclecustard, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:15, 1 reply)

Babes.
Not cute hotties.

"you alright babes?
"What you been doin babes?"
"love you babes"
"babes you want to go get some babes?"

AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:13, 10 replies)

It's the way he says it.
"We buy any car...dot com". Ridiculous advert, cringeworthy attempt to reach out to the youth market.
If I were selling my car, this advert would have me reaching for Auto Trader.

The pronunciation of "any" brings to mind the image of Kryten's bizarre last word.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 22:04, 2 replies)

"That's so random!"
This truly annoys me.

One of the best things I ever saw when I was at school occurred when Mr. Barnett, a curmudgeonly yet quite evidently quite intelligent maths teacher overheard a bunch of chavvy, moronic year 8s describing things as 'random'. Cue a group of slack-jawed kids stood around while Mr. Barnett explained the notion of statistical randomness. It was like Einstein trying to explain himself to a handful of ants.

I still take Mr. Barnett's side on this. It's really annoying.
(Coin Operated Boy is reading the new Bravissimo catalogue on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:55, 1 reply)

I'm an electrician by trade...
...and have been called out to many houses where the people inside have been 'electrocuted' and lived.

It's the 'cuted' bit that kills you... if you lived through the experience, it's just an electric shock.

Are we clear now?

Thanks for listening.
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:50, 16 replies)

Um, like, yeah, no, you know...
Were you to subtitle any unscripted TV programme, you would be able to edit out 20 to 30% of what is said.
But not if you were to do a Little Britain sketch involving Vicky Pollard, I would imagine.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:50, Reply)

watching masterchef
"whoever cooks the best today will win"

er doi??
(ladyintheradiator, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:48, 4 replies)

Classy
If there's one word guaranteed to draw my ire, it's "classy". The very use of the word guarantees an absense of class. The only people who use the word are those who have no idea of quality or attention to detail.
(chuckle_h0und You furnish the pictures, I'll furnish the war, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:39, Reply)

Lend/Borrow and Learn/Teach
Why are so many people completely incapable of using these words correctly? It makes me want to rip your tongue out of your head and choke you with it!
I almost nutted a girl at work who asked me to 'borrow her my pen'. I refused on the basis that she's clearly incapable of writing anything useful with it if she can't even ask for it properly. Upon hearing this she replied 'well if you're so good at English why don't you learn me?'
Seriously...just DIE!
(Kimberelli is addicted to the shiny little magnets..., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:37, 6 replies)

"Lickle"
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST BALLS DEEP IN MY FUCKING DEAD FUCKING MOTHER, FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING FUCKERS!!!
*breathes*
Yes. Yes, I think that's the only word that really vexes me somewhat.
( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:31, 4 replies)

Dad, trained by the RN
Shaving soap and shasperilas

was his curse.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:29, Reply)

Glocklestops.
People who put far more effor' into dropping a T than if they pronounced i', bu' are able to say i' within certain words. For a musical example:- Any song by Scouting for girls.
(jvz, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:21, 2 replies)

water sample
as a analogous phrase to "urine sample". The boiling temperature of blood can be found when using this phrase in my presence. Water comes from taps.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:09, 4 replies)

"First!"

(8allright is praying you've got a cold, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:08, Reply)

"All right, chap?"
Fuck off, cunt.
(8allright is praying you've got a cold, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:00, 2 replies)

Bozwellox.
Just that.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 21:00, 3 replies)

Nurses
I'm a doctor and there is one phrase which fills me with loathing, hatred and dread all at once;

"doctor, just to let you know..."

examples from my short career

mrs smith is a bit chesty - mrs smith was in crushing heart failure. She was propmtly admitted to the coronary care unit.

Mr jones looks a bit peaky - mr jones was dead

mrs White has had a bit of bleeding - mrs White had emptied half her circulating volume into her catheter bag, onto the bedsheets and the floor. She went to theatre and then to intensive care

miss pink's blood sugar is a bit high - miss pink had a glucose of 50 and was in diabetic ketoacidosis and was very very sick. She went to the high dependency unit.

Mrs blue is in agony - mrs blue had asked for some paracetamol

mr green isn't talking very much - mr green has had a massive stroke

Mr yellow is a bit constipated - mr yellow had large bowel obstruction and had a laparotomy to remove half his colon that afternoon

got to love my job

bert
( bertisfantastic bert is a sleepy bear, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:58, 4 replies)

CCTV
"For your safety and comfort, CCTV is in operation..."

What they actually mean...

We're watching you, scum, so don't do anything but sit there.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:57, 3 replies)