Sorry! I'm not in service!
Why the blithering fuck do the bus company cunts feel the need to put mindless shit like that on their buses?

A simple "Not In Service" will do thanks.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:08, 9 replies)

Fulsome
Fulsome: Excessive to an unpleasant degree. Therefore, NOT simply a posh way of saying full.

The next time I hear a wrong-doing/excessively-shagging celebrity/company issue a "fulsome apology" to the people they killed/should have been shagging, I'm going to give them a full slap in the face with a dictionary.
(cheerupmurray, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:08, 3 replies)

Oops!
"Oops" is fine among friends - for example if someone spills their drink. It is NOT fine when used by an increasing number of Internet sites to indicate an error of one kind or another. I think it's the patronising nature of it, more than anything else, that really bugs me. For example:

Oops! You entered the wrong password
Oops! The page you want doesn't exist

The worst though is on the BT Yahoo home page:

Oops! You haven't selected any teams or sports (on the scoreboard).
That's because I don't WANT any teams or sports so I haven't made a mistake and neither have they, so what's with the patronising, faux-matey shit?

Perhaps I ought to get out more, if things like this annoy me.
(eesnahk, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:07, 1 reply)

Simples
I fucking hate that stupid shit advert.

All price comparison website adverts are dreamed up by the biggest cunts in advertising, but when one tries to fucking shoehorn a word/phrase into common use (and to make matters worse succeeds) then there is something wrong with the world.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:06, 8 replies)

Prepositions
Is that where you was at?

No, no, no, no, no, no!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:02, 6 replies)

WIN!!

Did you? What did you win? A prize for being a massive tit?
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:02, 2 replies)

"My Bad"
your bad what?
Your bad use of the english language? Your bad attitude in general. why can't you just say "I'm Bad" or "I have done a bad thing"

Morons
(Vinegar strokes Should know better on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:01, 2 replies)

Oh and because I'm a naval-gazing loon
I hate myself for using the phrase "Could I get..." in shops instead of "Could I have..." or "I would like..."
(GoodLord doesn't have time for sigs., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:01, 5 replies)

Of course "yourself/myself", but also...
'Criminality' / 'Criminalities' when the speaker means 'Crime/Crimes'. I heard a Police spokesman on the radio stating that people were "committing criminalities". (made me want to, I can tell you).

Having said that, I have a soft spot for 'Burglarize'

GL
(GoodLord doesn't have time for sigs., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:00, 3 replies)

'Safe'
As in:
'You coming to the pub?'
'Ah, yeah, safe.'

Congratulations, you sound like a tit.
(Captain Backfire, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:59, Reply)

After the morning I've had...
The words: "Give DHL a call..." makes the veins at the sides of my head pulse and my vocabulary go all sweary...fucking mouth breathing monkeys.
( snee held his breath since, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:59, 2 replies)

There's a guy at uni who actually says 'LOL'
But i've never heard him laugh. He just sits there straight faced and when something vaguely funny happens he either does nothing or says 'lol'.

I have so far refrained from deadly violence. But it's only a matter of time.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:59, 5 replies)

Marketing wank
I was in a meeting the other day and this marketing tosspot genuinely said "let's go for the low hanging fuit".

It was all I could to stop myself leaning over the table and twatting him.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:58, 2 replies)

Beginning the answer to any question with "Yeah, no..."
Much beloved by professional footballers this one, often used by rugby players and athletes in general;

Reporter "How are you feeling after such a tough match"
Footballer "Yeah, no, I'm feeling great"

Reporter "A new world record, you must be delighted"
Sprinter "Yeah, no, I'm over the moon"

Which is it, yes, or no? It cannot be both, or they'd just cancel each other out.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:58, 6 replies)

Pro forma.
No, I can't fill in a pro-forma, any more than I can fill in a green or an A4 or an important.

I could fill in a pro-forma document, though. Hell, I could even go wild and fill in a form. I assume that that's what you want.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:55, 4 replies)

Just as a point of order
It is generally accepted in etymological circles that Shakespeare increased the size of the English vocabulary by about a third. This was in part due to the Elizabethan attitude to grammar and spelling being somewhat liberal to say the least.

Language is constantly evolving and changing, and "American" English has certain words - "fall" instead of "autumn", for example - which are closer to the orginal Anglo Saxon than "English" English.

Also your mum rang - she said not to bother calling back as she's not interested.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:54, 3 replies)

"Proactive"
You can be active about doing something or passive. So what the fuck is proactive other then bullshit management speak that seems to have broken free from the office.

Whoever wrote this wikipedia entry needs a good slap.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proactivity
(champagnerocker, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:52, 4 replies)

'Yourself'
(Captain Dispensible, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:52, Reply)

"Cue me..."
In a QOTW answer. It usually ends up in some mad capped japery of the highest order, with the author no doubt getting the last laugh or throwing up. Ooh, you wacky bastard.
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:50, 2 replies)

This country has a collective inability
To discuss the plant extract Aloe Vera without doing a shit impression of a fucking parrot.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:49, 3 replies)

Pronouns.
I get rather more upset than I ought by the misuse of pronouns. "Myself" is not the correct or formal form of "me", and I reserve the right to ignore all correspondence the writer of which asks me to give some information to himself on the basis that, if the writer can't construct a sentence, he's clearly too much of a cretin to be trusted with the information in question.

Nor is "whom" the formal form of "who". Honest. It isn't.

Something similar goes for the misuse of "... and I", as in "My mum invited Bob and I to spend Christmas with them". No, no, no, no.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:49, 21 replies)

"At the end of the day"
It used to be confined to the guests on Jeremy Kyle and the terminally inarticulate, now every sod uses it. "Ultimately" is one handy word instead of six.

And "classic" as a response to a mildly amusing event which you will have forgotten by morning.
(Innogen, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:48, Reply)

"Gifted" as in "It was gifted to the charity by the Duchess of Cornwall".
You mean "given", you absolute FUCKING MORON.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:47, 2 replies)

Random
Look up a definition of this word before you use it again.

Or I'll be forced to kill you.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:46, 3 replies)

I'm not even joking!
So, essentially, you're saying that you aren't joking, that you are serious. Is that about it? In that case, just say that you aren't joking, that you aren't messing around, or, if you feel the need to stress your point, just say that you are serious. The 'even' is not only superfluous, it's also extremely annoying.

My daughters (15 & 18) say this to each other all the time, each time they do, I'm sure I hear the English language die, just a little bit. I know my grasp of the language isn't perfect, but at least I'm willing to give it a little try.

Oh, and has been mentioned before, double negatives, I hate those too, but when conjoined with the former, it makes me want to scream. "I aint even done nuffin!"
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:46, Reply)

I'm Bristolian
So we have some well mint and proper phrases.

For example.

We can go 'up the Downs' and if you are looking for The Bunch of Grapes pub, you'll find it 'round the back of the centre'

Ow biss.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:45, 29 replies)

Have you got a <insert anything> at all?
Like `Have you got a telephone number at all?' when speaking to someone.

I'm tempted to respond `I've got a partial one if that's any good'.
(Audax Victor, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:45, Reply)

FACEBOOKING
is not a verb.
(alboyalex, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:45, 1 reply)

LMAO
ROFL
OMG
LMFAO

any of 'em do my head in.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:44, 3 replies)

Blue Sky Thinking...
My boss says this all the time, what the fuck does it mean?
(Andy-Bhoy I'm here all week, try the veal., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:43, 6 replies)