Cinema Shennanigans
When I was 17, I used to frequent the local cinema most Wednesday nights when they would show classic films at a cheaper rate than usual. It was a good laugh, and most of the time, my mates and I were the only ones in the screening, so we did as we pleased. One of the girls that served popcorn to us was an absolute stunner; blonde shoulder length hair, slim, a beautiful smile and bright blue eyes; she had been the object of my teenage desire for quite some while. We would talk whilst she served me, usually about the film I was about to go and watch, how her shift was going, what time she finished – mundane chit chat really, but I felt the lust was reciprocated. Her name was Sally, and although she was perfect in nearly every possible way, there was one little ‘flaw’ which I had to put to the back of my mind.

She had one fake eye.

It looked quite realistic, but it was enough to worry me in a way that only teenagers worry about little details. What would my friends say?, Would she take it out to have sex?, Would I be able to have sex with the socket? Did it shoot out when she sneezed?. All of these questions went through my mind every time I chatted to her, and it was the only thing stopping me from declaring how I felt about her.
Eventually, after weeks of putting it off, and after my mates reassured me that if I liked her I should go for it, I decided to ask her out on a date. I fancied her something rotten and felt I had a good chance of her agreeing to dinner, so it was planned that on the next cinema visit, I would ask her out. Wednesday came, and as usual, my 4 friends and I went to the cinema, and I think we were going to watch Rambo, but my memory fails me slightly.

I approached Sally and my heart began to thump against my ribcage. I began to get worried, and the confidence that had filled me as we drove to the cinema, soon turned to doubt. I was shitting myself. What if she said no? What if she laughed in my face in front of my mates? It was too late to turn back now. Sally had spotted me and a smile formed on her delicate face. I was at ease. I still don’t know why I didn’t wait for her to initiate the chit chat, I just jumped straight in.

“Cockporn please, Sally”, I mumbled, and I felt my cheeks getting hot. Sally looked at me strangely.

“Cockporn?”

“Sorry”, I smiled and laughed nervously, “I meant popcorn!”

Sally smiled back and began to fill up a carton of sweet popcorn – my usual. I took a deep breathe and relaxed some more.

“Would you like a coke as well?”, Sally asked, as she handed me the popcorn.

“Oh Wouldn’t I!”, was my response, a little too enthusiastically.

Sally burst into tears. “Not you as well you bastard”, she screamed at me, and everyone turned to look. She walked out from behind her counter, towards the staff room, not before turning back,

“And for your information, it’s a glass eye, not wood”.

It was confused, my mates were crying tears of laughter from behind me. I didn’t get it. It wasn’t until I ran it back through in my head that I’d realised my mistake. She thought I’d called her ‘Wooden Eye’. I didn’t have the guts to go to the cinema again after that.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 13:43, 5 replies)

I'm 44 and I've never ever asked someone out.
How's that for lack of self-esteem?

Edit - Just realised Beanojam posted this already but at least I beat him on the age thing.
( girlinthehole, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 13:32, 8 replies)

Late bloomer
I was never much of a ladies' man growing up - living on an RAF station with girls my age a rarity, and being sent to a boys' boarding school then a public school that only had Sixth Form girls didn't help much (thanks, parents!). When I did reach the Lower Sixth, and seemed to hit it off with a new girl, a house prefect benignly asked me if I was going to ask her out. "Out where?" I enquired, having taken the question literally.

/hangs head in shame.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 13:24, 1 reply)

Hmm, little bit of a backstory, but it all turns out good in the end...
At Uni. back in '97/'98 I hit a 'low point' after being mugged three times in the space of a few months, the last time being in hospital for a little while due to being knifed. Also hit (and run) by a car twice in the same years and also having a considerable health scare, all of which put me on a bit of a downward spiral. Ended up coming away from Uni in May '98 and went through a rough patch and a few dark months. (Breakdown, but not dwelling on that here) Come November '98 I was starting to get to grips with things, and started (albeit on a very small level) going out again and seeking out old friends. Not wishing to rush too fast into things as it had been a good few months since I'd even wanted to leave the house let alone acheived it, I struck up a penpal relationship with a lovely young lady in the depths of Wiltshire (I'm across the country in Norfolk)

At this time, and after giving myself a swift kick up the arse to try and deal with things, I had also started a job doing what I was studying at Uni. and also being paid to continue and complete my training. Life was getting better. This young lady and I continued on writing letters back and forth, which progressed to emails, text messages, the odd phone call etc. and all was good. We'd never met, but considered each other good pals.

Skip forward to December 31st 1999 - Millennium Eve. By this time, I had a strong inkling she was 'the one' (even though we'd never actually met each other face to face, merely seen photos of each other) but was very reticent (probably due to previous experiences over the previous couple of years) to actually do anything about it in case it f*cked everything up and I'd lose someone I thought the world of.

Anyway, it gets later on in the evening and we've had a chat on the phone, wishing each other a good new year etc etc and we then say goodbye and enjoy the rest of the evening our differnet ways. Come near to 11.30pm I get a text from her saying hi, which starts a ball rolling. By this time, I'd had a little to drink (back in the days when I could actually have a drink) and we're texting back and forth, and with a little dutch courage, just before midnight I take the plunge and say something along the lines of 'y'know, I really need to meet up with you for real and ask you out on a proper date you know, wonderful person, really like you etc etc'. As said, this was just before midnight, New year's Eve just about to see in a new Millennium...

Now, if some of you remember texting anyone around that time, you may remember the networks got completely overloaded, and had MASSIVE backlogs of texts needing to be processed and sent, all around that time.

What started at around 11.30pm as a great text exchange led to my text just before midnight asking her out. Her response?... Nothing. cue the next 5 and a half hours thinking I'd blown it, cursing myself, and believing she didn't actually feel the same way. Curses. 5.30am comes around and my phone goes off - text received. The lady in question had replied along the lines of 'That would be great. If you hadn't of asked me, I'd have been forced to ask you to get it out of the way :)'. Turns out, she'd replied to the text immediately after I'd sent it at midnight, but it never got to me until a few hours later. She, of course, was a little concerned why I hadn't replied back to her text, and so begins (later that morning) a conversation which put us both on a path which now, after over 10 years of knowing her, has her living with me here in Norfolk, really happy together since millennium night 2000. We knew each other pretty well via letters and emails/phone calls before we'd physically met, and I'd still go through all the sh*t I did at Uni. as it was all that which led - purely by a chance letter - to being very happy and settled with the present mrs. architect right now :)

Top Tip right here though, NEVER ask someone out by text on New Year's Eve.

on the plus side, I NEVER forget the anniversary of us first 'getting together' as a couple, as we still consider it the Millennium night, 2000. And if I get my way next year, I'll be asking her to marry me at the top of the London 'Millennium' Eye. *Fingers crossed*
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 13:24, 14 replies)

I was 19...
"What are you doing tonight?" I asked.
"Not going out with you" She replied.
(Pytchblend Had Tarmac for tea, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 13:08, 2 replies)

Fruit-based chat-up lines
When you're 13, a geeky social misfit, but have against all odds managed to befriend one of the most popular and beautiful girls in your school, do not broach the subject of possibly going out with her by using the expression

"The Man from Del Monte - he say yes".

My brain only realised what my mouth was saying when it was too late, and I'm only glad she had to good grace to not tell anyone else after she'd finished laughing me out of the room.
(Glis, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 13:01, Reply)

Stay calm and concentrate.
I'd been quietly ogling her from the other side of the room for a couple of weeks now, and it had taken me nearly as long to grow the balls to ask her out.
As I walked across the room I toyed with two possible sentences: "Do you want to meet me for a drink some time?" and "Do you want to go out on the piss?".
I'm getting nearer, and my lust-addled panic-stricken mind still hasn't decided.
Closer, closer, out on the piss or meet for a drink, out on the piss or meet for a drink, out on the...
Too late. She's right there, right in front of me, she grins, says hi, plays with her hair, do it! Now's the time! Say it! Say something! Say anything! Don't just stand there!!
"Uhh. Hey, look, I've got Friday off, I wondered if you wanted to meet me, maybe we could go for a piss together?"
Imagine my desperate cheesy grin.
Imagine her look of confusion.
Imagine the look on my face as I replay my sentence in my head.
Imagine me slowly realising that she thinks I'm a piss fetishist.
...
Imagine my surprise upon discovering that some girls really do like a GSOH.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 12:52, 4 replies)

I've never actually asked someone out in my life...
Fuck knows how I've even had girlfriends at all.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 12:50, 7 replies)

Chocolates...
Well, being fresh out of 6th form I have stories here...
Now I (like the majority of male b3tans) am pretty rubbish at talking to girls!
So.. 14 year old kid, there's this girl who I am certain likes me... but I can't sum up the courage to ask her out - then, Brainwave!! I'll give her a box of chocs, with a note under the tray, you know the sorta thing.

Failure number 1: I gave the box to a mutual friend to give to her. Who kept it in her bag. Which melted the chocolates. Shit.

Number 2: When they got to the intended recipient, she ate them and threw the box in the bin without asking who they were from. Or indeed looking under the tray. Bugger.

Ended up asking her out, were together for 6 months - broke up due to moving, then bumped into each other a year ago - and have been happily together since :)
(macomateo is procrastinating on, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 12:47, Reply)

Aussie chat up technique
The new blonde receptionist at work had the most truly wonderful norks. She had agreed somewhat unwisely to have a drink with myself and an Aussie colleague after work. Following a few beverages he piped up with "I bet you 50p I can make your tits move without touching them".

A bit taken aback she said "Oh. Alright then. Go on."

He then proceeded to rub her tits vigorously with his hands.

Following this, he shrugged, dug 50p out of his pocket and gave it to her saying "Fair enough. You win."
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 12:46, 5 replies)

hmmm
Yeah methinks i'll sit this QOTW out.
(urbanbushmonkey, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 12:38, 9 replies)

Best chatup line ever
Delightfully potty girl that I'd been hankering after for a while came up to me in the bar one new years eve

"Open your hand", she said, "and take this", whereupon she placed a marble in my hand.
"I've lost all my others, you'd better look after this one."

Big success, although the relationship lasted only for 5 hours.
( rofl harris, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 12:38, Reply)

The good and the bad
Ballunatic asked me out the day before I turned 18, and was having a very rough time. My mum left us in the next 24 hours and he was there for me from the start. We're getting married next year and life is sweet.

The worst chat up line I ever had came from a nervous boy at a Youth Club in Aberystwyth. It was "The sunsets are beautiful in Aberystwyth, won't you come and watch it with me".With a kind of flourishing, bend-at-the-knee bow. We were already outside and it was dark. I declined.

I declined.
(Mrs Ballunatic counting calories, not votes., Thu 10 Dec 2009, 12:29, 4 replies)

Triumphs and Tragedies
Triumph

I met a girl on my first day at uni and she and I initially managed to do nothing other than irritate the living crap out of each other by being wildly, wildly over competitive in lectures and seminars and she also managed to be in the library or on wards at the same time that I was. After a while, with all of the self-no-confidence that I could muster I asked her out and her answer was "I was wondering when you'd ask".

We've been married for eleven years, have a dog and a young daughter.

Tragedy

As a schoolboy asking a girl out and getting a kick in the 'nads because she thought (wrongly) that I was doing it for a dare.
(Medical_Male Say aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 12:26, Reply)

Thinking about it
apart from my post below, my chatting up success is practically non-existant and would be best consigned to last week's QOTW. Even though I've been with Mrs Sandettie for 20 years in January, there was no official 'asking her out', we just started going out.

When I was 13, I systematically asked out the eight most good-looking girls in my class. Not one of them said yes, so I was crushingly disillusioned. During the three years I was at senior school, there was maybe a dozen girls who wanted to go out with me and I was too naive, shy and lacking confidence to take the bait (I was in the same social class as portrayed on The Inbetweeners. Only one of them asked me out and I said no because she wasn't much of a looker and I was too shallow to be seen with her. Shame on me.

Have we had a QOTW on missed opportunities yet?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 12:25, Reply)

Is it worth roasting peas? Ah fuck it, it's relevant enough
In the reply as to not fill up the page:
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 12:11, 4 replies)

Chickens
Apparently farmyard birds find it quite difficult to ask out the opposite sex. As such, I saw a gap in the market and set up a dating agency for chickens. Unfortunately I had to give it up after a while as there was no money in it, and I found it difficult to make hens meet.
(marcooosa has no idea what a board sig is, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 12:06, 10 replies)

My Peaks and Troughs...
My personal best was something along the lines of 'I know I'm pushing my luck, and we're both a bit drunk, but I have to ask you right now if I can see you again because you're lovely', which went down quite well.

Personal Low was 'I don't care what your ex says, you've not got a fat arse, and for the record, I'd definitely do you', which also somehow worked.

Most pragmatic was:'We need to decide whether or not we're going to get together. I really fancy you, but I also really like you. If we're not going to get together, we should definitely move in together. If we are going to get together, we definitely shouldn't because we'll just piss everyone off.' (We got together, and moved into separate flats)

Most misfiring was 'I think we both feel the same way, and we really need to sort ourselves out and do something about it.' Apparently, we didn't both feel the same way...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 12:01, Reply)

I just can't do it.....
In fact I don't actually know how I ended up in the relationships I've been in. Cos it certainly wasn't down to any chat-up skills on my part.

Will post evidence later :)
(flyme, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 11:58, 2 replies)

How would you like to see the soles of your shoes in my wing mirrors?

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 11:53, 3 replies)

I might was well get this pearoast out of the way
From: www.b3ta.com/questions/mixtapes/

I was too much of a social retard to ask Julia out, and on our heavily-chaperoned visits to pubs where she'd spend my money like I was some oil rich squillionaire, I could never quite find the time nor the words to declare my love.

So I decided to do it by tape. Cassette tape. For this was the 1980s and I wore eyeliner.

I put together a C-90 cassette of songs she might like (bearing in mind that she thought "I just called to say I love you" on a Bontempi organ was the pinnacle of the performing arts) and added a spoken interlude on side two where I unloaded - in excrutiating detail - my deepest desire to engage her in the Acts of Venus.

Under the cover of darkness, I sneaked up her drive, posted it through her letterbox and legged it. Then after giving it a week or two for the message to sink in, I then broached the most delicate of subjects:

"Hey Julia, did you listen to that tape I made you?"

"I didn't have time. I gave it to my brother."

*glup*

"He's joining the RAF Regiment. I thought it would be nice to give him something to listen to in his barrack room."

Switch the scene, dear reader, to a testosterone-filled room at RAF Uxbridge. Wishing (I Had a Photograph of You) by A Flock of Seagulls fades out as a number of muscled, moustached Ross Kemp-a-likes polish their boots and write letters home.

Then: "Oh Julia, as the band plays on, we make sweet, sweet music of our own..."

Moral: Ask her out. It's not going to kill you. Her brother might, though.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 11:52, 1 reply)

Bowled over by love...
A friend of mine currently cohabits with a girl we vaguely moved in the same circles as at Uni, and recently revealed that he's contemplating a proposal.

It's a far cry from the first time they met, back when we were callow youths, and had been drinking all day.

- He tried to chat her up by claiming to be 'an athlete. I've got a body of steel'
- She said he looked like a wimp
- He proved her wrong by grabbing her around the knees and lifting her up as high as he could... forgetting we were in a low-ceilinged bar
- Her head hit the ceiling with a sickening crack, and he put her down and did a runner (don't judge me, I wanted to stay and help but her friend told me to fuck off)

The next time they met was in a pub in London several years later, when she bumped into him and said 'Aren't you that cunt who knocked me out?'
And he said 'Yeah - can I buy you a drink?'

Worked out well in the end...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 11:50, Reply)

bitch threw a drink over me.
I threw one back.

22-years later we're still married....
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 11:47, 1 reply)

6th
Wow, I actually have a story or 2 here.

Here's a story of how I asked out a girl at school.

I was quite an awkward kid at school. A bit chubby and shy, never really confident in the present of the opposite sex.

In 6th form I caught the eye of a girl I rather fancied. She was a year younger but she hung around with the same group of friends as me, I knew her, but had never really spoken to her though she made me feel more comfortable than any other girl I'd just met.

Via a mutual friend we both found out that we were keen to know each other a little better and so email addresses were exchanged and conversations across MSN Messenger began.

We began to speak more at school and eventually I mustered up the courage to ask her out.

We were hugging in the playground at the time, deathly silent. I'm thinking of a way to ask and the best I can think of is "If I was to ask you out what would you say?" I asked in my nervous cracking voice.

"I'd say yes!" she replied fairly confidently and clearly quite excited.

...

...

...

"Are you going to ask me out then?" she enquired after a few moments silence.

FUCK! Now I look like a cock. "Oh yeah, um, do you wanna go out with me?"

We have now been together nearly 6 years and it's our first (EDIT: Wedding) anniversary next Sunday.
(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 11:45, 8 replies)

Chatting yp
I was chatting to an attractive lady in some in bar in Melbourne, thought I was getting on pretty well, it was only when I noted a shocked expression on her face that I realised it was at this point my nose decided to start bleeding. Rest assured, when I went off to clean up, she was nowhere to be seen on my return!
(lankynyack, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 11:43, Reply)

First page, woot!
My other half and I met during 6th form. She had come from another school to do her A-Levels and I didn't speak to her until about halfway into the final year of school.

She was upset 'cause her nan had died; I saw her sitting alone looking quite sad. She was really close with her nan and she (her nan) was very seriously mentally ill for pretty much all her life; my girlfriend still cries about it now when she shares fond memories that she has of her. My first words to her were those of consolation. She had a few friends but was kinda quiet and hadn't really got to know many people at school, even after a year and a half of being there, because she found it quite hard to adjust to the change. She was grateful for my kindness and we got alot closer over the following weeks, having little cuddles and setting the common room off into heaps of huddled whispers regarding the 'new girl' (for that is what she was still referred to as) and me, the vaguely popular, hairy, eccentric rocker chap.

About a month before we left school, I walked to the park with her after school, and we sat on a bench in the sun. After talking for a few minutes, she leant in and kissed me. I'll be honest, it took me a little by surprise but I wasn't going to put a stop to it. I did the formality of actually asking her out, and we've spent all the time we can together since then.

At the Leaver's Dinner I managed to piss the biggest jock in the year off by getting smoochy in a shadowy corner with her. To see his fat red face glaring at me as I tounged the object of his affections made my year, the prick.

She later revealed to me that she had fancied me from day one.

Almost six years later and were living together, still going strong.
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 11:43, 3 replies)

I asked out a duck once
It told me I was quackers.
(Cylon Bum Raider already knows how this will end, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 11:39, 1 reply)

2nd?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 11:39, Reply)

first?
well fuck me...

hmm. not strictly asking people out, but have another epic pearoast:

I had been seeing my ex for two and a half years. Both of us happy and in love for most of the time, albeit I was stoned at least half of it. We had been living together before we got together at uni, and continued to do so throughout the whole of our relationship. this never caused any troubles. We shared the same group of friends, a very close group, and everyone got on amazingly well. (and smoked a lot of dope)

It happened that on my course there was a girl who I had liked from pretty much the moment I met her (before I met my ex), she was attached at the time unfortunately, and I was a long-haired overweight metaller. not a good basis for a relationship. This girl and I became good friends to the extent of sitting together in pretty much every lecture we had for 4 years; we had an arrangement whereby she informed of what work I needed to do and by when, and I checked hers for spelling and grammar. This worked beautifully for both of us. There was never any thought of a relationship between us until towards the end of our final year at uni we had a field trip to Barcelona, and it became apparent to each of us seperately (when incredibly drunk) that after another month or so that we might not see each other again. (I was no longer a long-haired overweight metaller)

Nothing happened on this trip save for a couple of hours holding hands (possibly some of the happiest hours of my life, and I was unbelievably, rip-roaringly drunk. Three sheets to the wind. Nissed as a pewt. etc.)

On return from Barcelona we parted, with some thinking to be done. At this point I had decided that my future with the (now ex) girlfriend was not going to be to my liking. Frankly she was becoming a little annoying. Coupled with this, on a night out with some coursemates, the new girl and I again ended up holding hands and repaired back to hers for a talk (and talk we did). we also shared the best first kiss one could imagine. I walked home on cloud 9, although with every step closer to my house it was coming home to me that I'd have to split up with my (then current) gf, who I lived with, shared a group of friends with, and who was in the middle of writing her dissertation and would shortly have her finals...

This left me in a dilemma. my nature wouldn't let me break things off with her due to the things mentioned above, and clearly I couldn't continue the way things had been. I wanted to be with the new girl.
So I broke the news to the current gf that I wasn't sure if I loved her anymore, and needed some time to think about it. This led to me jetting off to Swansea for a few days to visit my mate at uni there and going on a massive bender (I think). A few days later I returned to work on my dissertation etc. to find that my gf had gone to home to work on hers thus leaving me in relative peace.

Now, at this stage I didn't know who knew what out of my friends, so I resolved to keep as much to myself as I could. Spending all day in the library or computer room revising and writing my dissertation and coming home in the evening to lock myself in my room, smoke fags (had given up pot for the duration of this) and chat with the new girl on msn. Some afternoons were spent in the arms of the new girl, never going that far, but far enough to make me feel somewhat guilty about my double life. This went on for some time as exams were dealt with and dissertations finished. One day I was at home and my old gf had been shopping in town. I had finally insisted to myself that today was the day I had to break up with her, regardless of how hard it would be.
I see her arrive by taxi via the gift of my window, and basically run upstairs, bursting into my room. Her bag and contents including phone, wallet etc. had been stolen while trying on shoes.

(a lesson there for you girls)

I naturally tried to comfort her. While I didn't want to be with her anymore, I still cared for her very much, and respected her as well. Unfortunately she detected "something wrong with my hug" and decided that I did indeed not love her anymore. This led to the breakup where I uttered all the cliches (It's not you, it's me etc.)

The part I felt guilty about (and did up until I heard that our friends had found out the truth some time later and informed me that I did the right thing) is this: she repeatedly and insistently, whilst staring at me, asked if there was someone else. I went through a massive debate in my head in a split second, looked her in the eye and said a clear, firm "No". This was repeated several times with her asking "why don't I believe you?". Eventually this passed, there was some awkwardness, and I once again, drove to Swansea for an almighty 3 day bender in relief and celebration.

I've seen her once or twice since then, and things were awkward (what can I say, I'm awesome, I affect people) but now things are all good, she's happy, and the new girl is the current Mrs Vipros of 5 years and counting. A couple of years ago we bought our second place together.
I'm certain I did the right thing. and the few people who I've told or who know the story have backed me up on that, so I feel vindicated.

The moral of this story is that while honesty is the best policy, a lie if delivered effectively and with conviction can save someone you care about a lot of heartache.

and save you from a whole load more explaining!!!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 11:39, 1 reply)