Wow!
funniest qotw ever! how i laugh..
cheap tat? go-bots y'all!
(Mike D, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 13:21, 6 replies)

I'm an artist, me...*hyuk*
It was the day of the deadline for my studio practice work to be handed in at uni (read: paintings nailed to a wall in an appealing fashion), and as usual, I had not the right tools for the job, apart from a (really good, actually) wilko's hammer and nails, and neither has anyone else... we're good like that, us art students. A quick trip to the tool shop was in order, though this was later found to be horribly expensive, so we adjourn to our favourite quality goods merchants: Poundland. based on previous good finds (though I couldn't quite bear the idea of feeding my hamster on Poundland pet food), I thought this would be a good place to get DIY tools. I found what looked like a fucking awesome laser spirit level, the kind that you stick to the wall and it projects a perectly straight line across it. Excellent, I thought. I bought it and ran back to the studio, only to find that it needed about 70 batteries for it to work. I went to Poundland again, purchased said batteries, and ran back up the hill ('ran' may be a bit flattering, try 'wheezed') to try it out. A lack of sleep due to impending deadline had somewhat befuddled my mind, and I was really excited to test this lasery wonderous item. Cram the batteries in, stick it to the wall....oh wait... the piece of sellotape that was helpfully provided to stick said spirit level to the wall was now not enough, given the added weight of the batteries. I stick loads of sticky fixers (like blue tack, only better at sticking and ruining your wall) onto it and press it on the wall, and it falls off again. Bollocks. I stick about 20 more sticky fixers on, press it firmly into the fake plasterboard wall, nearly knocking it over, turn it on, and...
The fucking 'laser' in it isn't even fixed in the right place, so even if the little bubbly bit is on straight, the red line points off in random directions. On closer inspection, its not fixed in at all, and just rattles around in the crappy plastic box.
Then it fell of the wall again.
After stamping about and swearing, I realise I've spent over an hour and about a fiver trying to get this £1 piece of crap to work, so I give up and throw it in the bin, and just get someone else to tell me if my work is wonky or not.
(Ryuken-Kai, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 13:16, Reply)

bestest swap eva
I brought my car, the classic ford fiesta from 1989 (a very good year for cars) for 20 Benson and Hedges.


I have now had it for 14 months-the longest time I have ever had the same car , and it has just sailed past its MOT.


The most expensive car I ever had cost me my uber fast Nissan in p/ex plus 550 of the queens English pounds and lasted all of three months.

after this time the radiator sprung a leak the expansion tank cracked and the head gasket went taking the engine with it, all at once...whilst i was driving..on a busy dual carriageway...Trapping me in the wilds of Norfolk.

cheap tat? worse Cheap FRENCH tat!

never buy a Renault Clio, instead of a temperature gauge it has a "engine fucked" warning light on the dashbord.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 13:07, 2 replies)

im late
So, I made eggs tonight and decided to add jalepenos. Grand idea, right?
Well, I took the seeds out with my bare hands, like any good man would do.
Two hours later and my nose and facial regions are burning because I just figured out that the residue is under my finger nails.
Yay.
*ow tear*

As for cheap crap I have bought...
I bought a "ninja" getup in a dollar store,
took it home,
took out one of the plastic throwing stars,
threw it like a normal star,
and promptly shattered the plastic piece of paraphernalia.

length? ten feet... ish
(fisherOfApples123 -=destroyer of toilets=-, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 11:38, Reply)

Computer from Hell
I once bought a laptop that was shit, to put it politely. Rarely would it play any sound (despite the Dolby 5.1 certification), would crash when I seemingly needed it most, and made farting noises when turned on.
Things got really out of hand when I saw it on more than one occasion leaving pubes on the toilet seat, spying on my girlfriend while she undressed, deficating on the family dog no less, and cumming on the tits of my mother while she slept. I'm not sure what was worse; that or the fact my mother said my laptop had a bigger cock than my dad.
( slippery doctore, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 10:19, Reply)

Cheap Tat
Thankfully I have rarely fallen victim to this but my ex-father in law seems to had more than his fair share.

If there was any thing that was "a fantastic bargain" but ended up lasting 5 minutes he would have bought it.

He insists on holidays so cheap that the flights, on budget airlines, ended up like something from the Berlin Airlift, into resorts that look like an southern Afghan village after a visit fom Puff the Magic Dragon

But the real clincher for me was when he bought really cheap tomato sauce, from a well known discount supermarket chain, that burnt my kids mouth. They were left with large red wealts around their mouths from the caustic effect of this sauce.

Twat!


lol ninja edit!!: I met him today and he said he was off to buy a new digital camera because the one he bought his missus, my ex-mother in law, from the same cut price supermarket, was crap and didnt work straight out of the box.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 9:46, Reply)

The wonder of Aldi
When stranded in France for a year, I wasn't paid enough to eat real food for the whole month. So as payday approached I would find myself heading to Aldi to invest in their line of no-frills (i.e. no topping) pizzas and a packet of 'ham' (it might have had the concept of ham explained to it as it was shat out of the giant meat by-product processing machine).

Combine the two and voila, a veritable taste sensation! The sensation being that of eating a piece of slimy cardboard encrusted with snot and scabs.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 9:05, 1 reply)

Poundstretcher bargain. What was I thinking of?
A corkscrew. One of those with the arms that raise as the screw is turned which you then push down at either side to retract the cork from the bottle.
"That's cheap, only 99p," I thought.
"It's impossible to fuck a corkscrew up," I thought.
Wrong. Somehow the manufacturers of said corkscrew had made it so that the lugs that would normally lock with the grooves on the main shaft to pull the cork out were slightly too short and rather than gripping anything just slipped as soon as the arms were pushed down.
Cue disappointment and swearing that evening when I went to open a bottle of wine.

Moral of the story: Never shop at Poundstretcher; and a bottle of wine can just as easily be opened by pushing the cork into the bottle.
( Lord Gnome, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 6:05, Reply)

Bought a cheap lasagne from Aldis...
surprisingly very very tasty.

Makes you fat though.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 5:20, 2 replies)

Birthdays
Way back in the dark depths of the past, 2002 I think, I'd just started hanging round with new people. This was April, and one of this group, Will, was due a birthday. An 18th to be precise. Now my best friend, her boyfriend and I were making our way over to his, where there was to be a Party of Epic Proportions(TM). On the way there, we realised that we hadn't bought him a present, so we were making stops at every trashy junk shop Portsmouth has to offer, us being in the 16-18 age demographic at the time, and skint.

His present from us: A Jesus Action Figure. With moving arms!
( Trijian, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 4:33, 2 replies)

Rubix Pube
I went to Mallorca on holiday and decided I wanted a Rubix Cube.

I went in one of those cheap ass stalls you see all around every sea side resort. Copped my Cube for 1 Euro. Played with it , got stuck, turned it a bit more and it snapped and the 27 mini cubes kind of exploded and fell on the floor.

Bought another, same happened.

Got home bought official rubiks cube. Learned it in 2 weeks. My record for completing it now is 1 min 55 second.

Length? 1 min 55 second.
(Kierz, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 3:31, Reply)

When I was larl
I got one of those spy-ear things. They amplify sound, enabling you to eavesdrop on unsuspecting peoples conversations.

"It's amazing* what old people talk about on the bus!" I thought, as I discarded the dead listening device in the bin - it had lasted less than the 20 minute ride home!

*rather nauseating
( Schweaty Minge I spunked in your tea! Taste it and see! D:, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 1:57, Reply)

Ahh chinese quality
Once, I decided that I'll boycott all those stupid hairdressers.
That's why I bought a shaving machine of an unknown chinese brand for about 5€, knowing that a friend had a similar and it worked perfectly.
At the first attempt of cutting my hair, it quite naturally didn't work as expected, so i fiddled a bit with the single adjusting knob on it.
As a result, it started roaring hideously and almost took away a portion of my scalp when applied...
The motor inside was banging furiously on the inner walls of the device and when all fixing attempts failed, the thing went straight into the bin.
I had to ask my friend yet again to cut my hair...
Lenght? My hair on the unshaved side - 6 cm, on the almost-shaved - 2 cm.
( Zhmei HEY B3TA I WAS ON YOUR DINGY ISLAND AT LAST!1!, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 1:08, Reply)

Cheap, but definitely....
Not useless.

Here I am wandering around Cash Converters(The local chain of Hock-shops) and I see a second hand Palm pilot TX, unboxed, no manual, but with charger and aluminum case, along with three 2 gig SD cards. hmmm, poke around for the price tag, don't find one, so ask the manager about that "calendar thingy in the display case" and pointed to it, he pulled it out, and it didn't have a price anywhere.

He also admitted he wasn't really sure what it was.

So what does he offer me for a almost brand new, damage free, (at the time) Current year Palm Pilot?

Seventy Australian dollars.

My response? "For a fuckin' calendar thing, You've got to be joking. How about you thirty?"

To which came "How about forty?"

"Fair enough, we have a deal."

And that, my friends, is how I got a (at the time) Four hundred dollar, Near Brand new palm Pilot for forty bucks.

Length, about four inches, but all but a quarter of an inch is screen.
(Churba, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 1:01, 4 replies)

There was a special offer in tescos.
Just after christmas, A bag of clementines for 5p.

Not wanting to turn down an offer such as this, we took full advantage.



We later bought 56 tubs of cream, Came to about a fiver. Seemed a great deal.
( [DTMX] Fishing hook, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 1:00, 7 replies)

Gnomicidal Maniacs
Some time ago, we, the members of Team Gnomicide decided to eradicate the globe of the menace of garden gnomes, one at a time.

Unfortunately, it soon became obvious that stealing gnomes is not only mildly unpleasant, but is also (for now) illegal, and thus, Team Gnomicide turned to the wonder that is Pound Shops for stocks...removing them from source...stopping people from purchasing these menaces in the first place.

The fruits of our labours can always be found online, here or there...but mostly...:

Here or Here
Enjoy...

Oh, and remember...why buy one when you can have two at twice the price!
( Arecibo Otherwise known as @®£©1ß0, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 0:40, 1 reply)

Christmas Shite
The crappy pencil sharpener magnet got me thinking about Christmas just gone. Some highlights include:

My bf's gift to his brother of a musical toilet complete with bobbing smiley-face plastic turd and "realistic" flushing sounds

My bro's gift to me of a retro Casio digital watch

My gift to my bro of an LED belt complete with bizarre English-ish instructions and fully programmable messages

A plastic squid I got out of a cracker, which wasn't as bad as the genuine Diamonesque necklace my bf got in his "luxury" cracker. He preferred the little plastic plane he got in the much cheaper one. I crashed it into his drink.

Isn't Christmas brilliant?
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 0:26, 1 reply)

Vegas Crap Challenge!
A few years ago, I went to Las Vegas with the family. We had a souvenir tat challenge whereby we each had to purchase the crappiest souvenir we could find for $5 or less. I think I was the only one who bothered so I won by default, but I think I did pretty well:

A fluorescent pink, plastic, miniature one-armed bandit (with working arm and spinning lemons/cherries etc) magnet/pencil sharpener with "Las Vegas" on a crap gold sticker stuck to the coin tray/shavings compartment.

Best $4.99 I ever spent!
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 0:19, Reply)

Birthday presents...
We were in sixth form, and one of our clique wanted a vibrator for her birthday. [She did have a habit of sharing TMI, that girl; she once foolishly told us abou her fantasy of pissing all over a guy and rubbing it in...] Nearly all of us shied away from that and thought about what else we could give her instead. Except her best mate.

Now, this was in the deepest darkest regions of Wales, way out in the sticks where there is nothing to do and nowhere to do it. So the nearest sex shop? Fuck knows.

This absence of sex shops did not deter said best mate, who had a nosy around the decent shops, and then the less decent shops, and then the pound shops, and found- a £1 vibrator. (Cheap stinking plastic, it sounded like a chainsaw starting up.)

Would you give that to your best mate for her birthday?

She did.
(greenycrimson I stole the from pyschotherapist, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 0:19, 1 reply)

Nissan Bluebird........
Most useless crap but certainly not cheapest!!!





Sorry about length but need I say more?
('O' She's my rolemodel!, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 0:05, Reply)

I bought some cheap newbies one recent Tuesday.
Got what I paid for really, shit QOTW answers and bandwagon length post-scripts.
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 23:53, Reply)

Kwik-Save No Frills Instant Coffee
I was on the dole and broke, in dire need of a coffee and down to me last few coppers. Instead of a glass jar or even a plastic pot it came in a paper sachet. How bad could it be? The stencil typeface on the front should have been enough warning.

I made a cuppa, took one sip and dumped the contents of the mug down the sink and the packet into the bin. It was evil. Mind you, it was only about 50p.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 23:29, Reply)

A spirit level
from the pound shop - the bubble was wonky!
and so are my cupboards
( SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 23:25, Reply)

Why o' why?

Cheapest tat ever.



Remember this kids: Buy cheap, buy twice.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 22:59, 6 replies)

Have you ever seen those adverts against movie piracy?
You know, the ones where they smear Vaseline over the image, shrink it to be a tiny square just off centre in the middle of the screen, replace the sound with a MIDI file and try to convince you that pirates films are just like that?

And they never are anything like that.

Apart from the copy of Superman Returns I bought off a handsome persuasive young Bulgarian gentleman.

Didn't cost me much, but knowing Bulgaria it was probably enough to put his kids through University there and therefore I feel robbed.
(Uhmfhshhghd, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 22:49, Reply)

several years ago...
several years ago while on a leo, myself and three friends, nicely pissed at 3 in the afternoon decided to partake of gloucester road (bristol)'s many pound shops. each of us was to spend a pound and buy an item that was as little use as possible for the night of shenanigans planned.

my three associates and i retired to the flyer to compare purchases. the pot of toy gunge drew some admiring glances, and the european travel adapter plug reached an impressive level of uselessness, but the crowning glory.... the true piece of magnificent awfulness, was my saucepan. completely useless on a night out, but also, due to the fact that the handle was heavier than the base, meaning that it was not capable of standing correctly, completely useless for its intended function. we left the items on a table* and went on our merry way, all of us feeling a little more complete for the experience.


length? if the handle had been shorter, the pan might have been useful.




*if you found a small saucepan, with a travel plug in it, in the bristol flyer about 3 years ago, that was probably mine
(court escaper, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 22:26, 1 reply)