Mayonnaise
Why the fuck is it impossible to buy a goddamn fucking sandwich in this country without mayonnaise already slathered all over the cunting thing? I happen to like the taste of ham and salad, but for some reason sandwich makers seem to feel the need to disguise that taste with a fucking massive dollop of what I can only describe as horse spunk. It makes me retch. It really makes me feel fucking sick. A bacon and egg baguette does not need lubricating with globulous lashings of Satan's semen, and why can't they sell little sachets of mayospooge alongside the sandwiches for the over-glandular cunts who seem incapable of shovelling food down their chubby throats without gunking it up first with this foul muck? No wonder Britain's got obesity problems, people have forgotten how to eat without first lubing up their lunch with manfat. Christ on a fucking bike.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:42, 11 replies)

Vegetarians who eat chicken and/or fish
Why? I have no problem with vegesexuals - respect other peoples etc, but I cannot comprehend why it is unacceptable to some to slaughter pigs, sheep & cattle but ok with them to slaughter chickens and catch fish - either eat meat or don't.
( lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:38, 24 replies)

Hairy Guava's, Snatch, Coekie, Flange...
Guarrrrr, Fanny, punani, Kitty, Muff, Poon, Beaver, Box, Coochie and dare I say it... CUNT.

Seriously, I am a chika and I have been told I have a nice 'all of the above' but seriously, I look at it and I reckon its the naffest looking thing and why a man would wanna lick it, suck it, touch it fuck it is all a mystery to me...
(Barmybarny, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:37, 12 replies)

The Beatles
Are shit. And here's why.

1) Lennon. Snide, sneering, hypocritical waste of space. The only good thing he did was realise that he was in love with someone and that he wanted to spend his life with her. Can't write a tune, let alone hold one. Good rhythm guitarist though.

2) McCartney. Paranoid, controlling egomaniac who got found out when he got fleeced by Heather. Writes two-dimensional, moon and June songs. Responsible for The Frog Chorus, lest we forget. Dyes his hair.

3) Harrison. Dull, dull, dull, dull, dull, as befits a Hare krishna devotee. A lead guitarist who can't play lead guitar. No-one would have noticed if he wasn't there, except there would have been fewer sitars on the later stuff. Which would have been a good thing.

4) Starr. Seems like a nice bloke, but can't play the drums, which I think is a pretty significant drawback for a drummer. Can't sing either, but we still got one track every bloody album.

5) The songs. I honestly only like one Beatles song that was written by them - She's Leaving Home. You can keep the rest. Having grown up in a Beatles loving household, I've heard every single thing they've done. To my mind, the albums get worse as they get later. Some of the covers they did early on are good. But then so were Freddie & the Dreamers.

6) The 'legacy'. Endless documentaries and biographies by middle-aged rock hacks. George bloody Martin being wheeled out every few years looking more and more decrepit. More box sets of the same stuff...

7) Public perception & actual practice. They were there at the height of the hippy phase. To paraphrase a better writer than me, they were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave and they saw the place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. They hired a bastard of a manager and a shit-load of corporate lawyers and have milked the public like a herd of AOR-obsessed heifers. Peace & love, guys.

No apologies for length. Rant over.
(Merson, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:36, 18 replies)

Sport
Golf

They knocked down our local 500+ year old castle to build a golf course in the 1890s.
I still hold a grudge.

Soccer.

I am relieved when England get knocked out of soccer tournaments.

All Olympic sports.

(Except the Louge)

Cricket.

A waste of radio bandwidth - why don't they get their jock straps off Long wave.

Basketball

More sheep dog trials on TV would be great though. Now theres a sport for you.
(Shashi, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:35, Reply)

Why are there so many types of tea?
Back before I was disabused of the notion that tea is tea is tea I went round to a friend’s house once and was offered a cup of tea. I said yes. I was asked what I would like. "Milk and half a sugar please." She gave me one of those looks, the 'I'm far too polite to say this out loud, but you're an absolute fucking cretin' kind of look, sighed and said. "No, I mean what kind of tea do you want." "Oh, any. I don't mind."
I ended up drinking purple boiling water that tasted of scalding.
I still don't know why people drink that crap, when real actual tea is so much better.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:35, 5 replies)

Floating Head?
I bloody hate them Cadbury's adverts.
Especially the most recent one with that floating head?
What the bloody hell is that all about?
It makes me wanna stick pins in me foot, utter bollox.
(Cunning Stunt, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:33, Reply)

What’s the deal…?

What’s the deal with Harry Potter?
I bet he likes it up the jotter
Dan Brown’s shit sells by the tonne
& Obama’s peace prize? – what’s he done?

Those 'talent' shows that please the plebs
And spaff out more ‘Z’ list celebs
To pack the pages of ‘Hello’
With wankers I don’t want to know.

ipod, iphone, and i-whatever,
They think they sound so fucking clever
They’d sell a crabs-infested cunt
If someone put ‘i’ at the front

And 'supermodels'?...I've never tried ‘em
(Although they could do with some meat inside ‘em)
Those stick-thin girls don’t float my boat
They’d snap in half against my scrote

Amy Whinehouse? I don’t rate her
In fact I’d say I fucking hate her
And ‘R’-'n'-cunting-bastard-‘B’
Is nothing but a noise to me

There’s one thing I don’t understand
How in this talented, musical land
That Coldplay still make stacks of cash
Despite the fact they’re fucking gash…

And those ‘Movies’…Epic, Date, Disaster?
About as funny as being raped by a 7ft Rasta
Who pays to make these piles of shite?
Or goes to watch them any night?

…

And…

*deep breath*…

Cordon 'Bleurgh' and tiny portions
'Modern Art’ displaying abortions
Txtspk when it’s not required
Alan Sugar? – YOU’RE FUCKING FIRED!
Chavs in jeans that hang too low
That strictly fucking dancing show
Pete Doherty – his stupid hat
Ben Stiller – what a dead-eyed twat

I could go on and on and on
Until this question is long gone
But if we all had similar tastes
The world would be a boring place

So thanks to B3ta for these pages
That give us space to vent our rages
I’d say ‘don’t take this rant to heart’
But fuck it, let the flaming start!
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:29, 20 replies)

Ketchup
Open Sandwiches, coffee, chocolate, McDonalds, Salt (unless it's on chip-shop chips), Everything but the girl and the Manic Street Preachers. The End.
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:22, 2 replies)

Dan Corbett
The most irritating man ever to grace the weather forecast, with his ridiculous hand gestures and pompous accent.

But everyone I mention it to seems to love him. Where on earth is the attraction? He's incredibly annoying.
(d371ght back again since, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:21, 4 replies)

Porn Perfection
Why are we totally obsessed with perfect bodies? I fail to see the attraction of the typical self-tanned DVD porn star. I really dont see the appeal of someone resembling a day-glo ironing board with a gigantic pair of rock-hard veiny mellons stuck to it. Gimme an old sack with some soft baps and i'd be far happier!
(skintagain, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:21, 1 reply)

Fat Dancer!
Robbie 'fuckin talentless fat' Williams.

Cant write songs, Cant dance, cant sing.

No wonder he's depressed?
What a waste of oxygen that twat is!!!
(Cunning Stunt, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:20, 7 replies)

TV scientific/medical "experts"
Gillian *fucking* McKeith:
Does anyone still listen to the utter nonsense spouted by this pinch-faced poo-sniffing harridan?
She got her PhD off the back of a cereal packet and her "studies" obviously failed to prepare her for the fact that everyone's shit smells bad when you crap into a Tupperware box and then rummage through it.

And then there's Dr Raj *plagiarising cunt* Persaud. Not content with being the owner of one of those smug faces that would be immeasurably improved by a high-speed collision with the back of a juggernaut, "television's Dr Raj Persaud" can't even be arsed to write his own articles and just rips off other people's instead. For lifting passages from other people's work and pasting them into his books and newspaper columns, he got a short suspension from the GMC then resumed his place on daytime TV sofas offering patronising platitudes to the dole scum and assorted weirdos who don't just watch This Morning to catch a glimpse of Holly Willoughby's cleavage.

Length? - depends if Holly's on screen
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:14, 3 replies)

american, so i don't know how much of this will cross over
first up: that ricky gervais thing. every film "buff" and "connoisseur" over here fucking loves him. I've never thought he was funny or a terribly good actor, but since he's a brit he's suddenly the greatest contemporary comedian that ever lived.

second: weed. i've tried it (quite a few times), don't care for it. everytime i visit a friend, they've got the bong proudly displayed in the front room. like some sort of a trophy or monument. c'mon...

third: singing/rapping stand-up comedians. this shit is on par with ventriloquism. I don't get why everybody loves this stuff. it's not very funny, nor particularly clever. youtube is filled with this garbage.
(Baron von Aaron CHARGE!, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:05, 7 replies)

Totally ignorant parents...
...who have no idea what their offspring are up to. Yet if you say the wrong thing about their little angel, they come round and mouth off regardless of the truth.

We've one in our street aged 12. She's a thief, swears like a docker and shows the younger kids porn on her mobile phone. But you say the wrong thing to her or word gets back to her folks and they'll provoke you into a public argument which you cannot win because they refuse to believe anything that you've actually just witnessed?

Arseholes!
(minky, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:04, 4 replies)

Sara Cox
She's single handedly perpetuating the myth that women from Bolton are ill-educated, boorish and have lamentable personal hygiene if her example is anything to go by.

And she's continues to have her own radio programme...

Why?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:04, 6 replies)

Fog lights
Because they obviously make you look cool in perfect visibility.

And I love being temporarily blinded whilst driving my Honda Accord. Cunts
(skintagain, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:01, 2 replies)

Russell Brand, Chris Moyles, and James Corden.
*sighs* all 3 are painfully unfunny. Yet the sycophants that hang round their ringpieces keep brainwashing the public into believing they are indeed entertaining. Humour based solely on the abuse of others to deflect how utterly boring they truely are..just doesn't do it for me.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:52, Reply)

Two planks of wood...
Skiing and skiers... Skiers especially.
Born and bred in Scotland, winter was invariably bloody cold and covered in snow.
Being well over 6 foot I also do not have a low centre of gravity.

But why oh why do people who ski think I have an interest in listening to their every carved turn on the piste or traversing down a white run?
No! Don't show me your fucking photographs of a huddled mass of people in colourful jackets, wooly hats and sunglasses!

I honestly don't give a cuss... If I want to spend shitloads of money on a holiday, I'll spend it where there is considerable warmth, be it the beach, the sea or between the thighs of my fancy and the only cold thing I want nearby is the beer.
(bof, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:47, 8 replies)

Can't Touch This...
I remember going to school discos when I was eleven or twelve and seeing all my mates writihing round on the floor like a gathering of spasticated mongoose who’ve just been set on fire. They were breakdancing. Now, for those of you old enough to remember this was the time of MC Hammer, big baggy pants, and incredibly bad hair. Being a sullen, moody, incredibly sophisticated boy I didn’t want to associate with this load of old tosh. So I stood to one side, listening to The Associates warble on on the shitty stero system, sipping my dandelion and burdock.

Tossers. That’s what my mates were. Look at ‘um, lying on their backs, wriggling their arms, looking directly up Marianne Dunkley’s raa raa skirt –

Its amazing how quickly you can develop an interest in your friends hobbies. I was breakdancing like a professional within about thirty seconds. No knickers, that girl... Massive fucking black bush that made it look like she was smuggling hamsters... But no knickers...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:38, Reply)

Ginger
Why everyone seems to treat having red hair as an affront to nature these days. For a start i hate the term ginger. My hair is not ginger its reddish-brown (or auburn). Ginger root is light brown. Seriously who cam up with that term??

Seriously i think at least 5 times a year i will get random people (mostly drunk) coming up and just saying abusive stuff but somehow feeling its ok. e.g "mate you know theres a cure, dye your hair then u may get laid innit" Then when he adds hes just kidding and his cousins ginger apparently its cool??

To put it another way i randomly say run to a black guy "oy mate you can't get a job cause your black, nah its cool my neighbours black"

Seriously we are as rare/common as blondes however blondes seem to escape all the abuse somehow.

Oh and for all those who think North Americans love it, well i did get compliments sometimes on holidays, but thanks to the boys from South Park that no longer happens.
(redman89, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:29, 15 replies)

Angelina Jolie
I always think she looks like she might have a cold sore.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:28, 4 replies)

People complaining about immigrants or non-whites getting access to public services over 'local' people
This is probably going to get me accused of Daily Mail reading or living in an ivory tower but I've had a liquid lunch so I don't give a fuck.

I don't get it. How many public services does the average person need very often? If I get ill I can get treatment without being passed over because of immigrants. If I need my bins emptying they get done. If I call the police, not once have I been told "Sorry mate, we think you're calls important but we have to prioritise the Somalians down the road over you". I have never once been told by the local library that that book I wanted is reserved for immigrants. The job centre will see anyone, its equally useless to all.

Most often I hear it about housing. Why is it a fundamental right to own a council house? Its not, its at the councils discretion and if they think a family with 2 small kids should get that pokey flat ahead of a 23-year old single male living at his mum and dad's then its up to them. Every other fucker has to rent at market rate or pay a mortgage, its a gift if you do get one.

Other times there's 'nothing to do round here cos the immigrants/Asians get all the money spent on their community' Why is it a fundamental right to have the council build a community centre in your area or organise stuff for you to do? They haven't done it near me and I don't give a fuck. If people want entertainment then go and do something entertaining. If you can't afford a hobby or an activity, give up booze or fags or allocate money better. It doesn't cost much to join a local sports team or research interesting stuff on the internet. Better yet, spend that time when you're bored and whining and get some fucking education and a better job so you can have a better life for yourselves and your children. Its an attitude that seems to be increasingly common these days and it fucks me right off.

End rant.
(The man with the flan swashed his buckle on, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:20, 9 replies)

The Classics
Pride and Predjudice, Jane austen, and particularly bloody shakespeare- all mindnumbingly boring to my mind.The pretentious fools that are thesps and gush over macbeth and the like, yet couldn`t tell you why grass is green. Now before you say that I is bitter and twisted(ie. UNEDUCATED AND POOR)- I can`t admit to that- Ive lots of letters after my name and a couple in front (thanks).
But I will never understand shakespeare- ashe wrote it for cash, he wrote in his contemporary times,it`s bloody hard to read/understand, and yet is interpreted in many ways usually off tangent.
Jane austen- she had to pretend to be a man to get published.
Poor old Terry Pratchett- he on the other hand is a bloody genius and yet is never mentioned.( apart from one book he wrote nation which is shite but he does have alzheimers.) His books sell in the millions, but admit to liking them in polite company and they think you are a retard, and yet they will quite pounce about with a "out damn spot" making no bloody sense at all.
Oh and don`t even get me started on Gilbert and Sullivan- jesus wept, something you can only like if you had a fag in your (posh) schooldays of the non nicotine kind.
(rural confucious, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:17, 8 replies)

Baking
I'm blind, so there's no point in me even trying to bake bread!!

I can't see the knead.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:13, 2 replies)

Terry Pratchett.
Either you've read the complete works of Charles Hamilton and get all the jokes but have read it all before, or you haven't, you don't, and it's therefore unsatisfying and dull.

The Discworld is an idiot.
( Angry Boss Bee I love horses, death to other animals, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:09, 9 replies)

Megan Fox
Why she's seen as being the most attractive woman ever is beyond me. She's even being called the next Angelina Jolie despite the fact that she's no-where near as gorgeous, and that her acting abilities seem to be limited to her standing there and looking "hawt". She's got a horrible square, squashed looking face, and her nose is such an odd and squashed shape. She's got beautiful eyes, I'll give her that, but the rest? Buh?
(Aruu does not put all her trust in root vegetables., Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:07, 10 replies)

Films
Or rather, people who take film seriously.

Now, I'm all for watching a film with a few mates and a few beers, but I really don't understand people who treat the latest Hollywood bit of fluff as some sort of revered work of art. It's not, it's entertainment and an exercise in money making. Yes, I'm sure Saw V treads new ground and explores things which were unexplored in the previous FOUR, equally awful, films.

Now I understand that some films, generally made a long time ago, are genuinely interesting and were made when the medium was still relatively new and directors were experimenting with what they could do. Short films, surrealist films, Hitchcock etc, while I know fuck all about them I can see why some people might find them interesting.

What I don't understand is why airtime is given to puffed up film critics discussing the latest Adam Sandler film using phrases like 'Ooh I really like what he's trying to do here'. What he's trying to do is line his pockets by making people whoop and grunt at simulated vomiting and shitting. It doesn't merit fucking discussion. It's the equivalent of the booker prize panel discussing Jordan's autobiography.

No one seems to give a shit about Joyce, Becket, Blake, Marquez, Shakespeare etc and yet society (led by Jonathan 'it's such an honour, I'm such a big fan of your work' Ross) seems to get it's collective cock out and tug merrily away as soon as the latest piece of shiny, explodey Hollywood crap comes out.

Polanski drugged and bum raped a child and international politicians (as well as the usual mob of pretentious twats) defend him. What in the good name of paedophilia is going on? THEY'RE ONLY FUCKING FILMS!

Gah.

relurk
(jabberwocky, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:02, 10 replies)

Too much CGI
Really. Is there any need to have a billion tiny moving parts flit across thescreen in under a second? I admit all the detail is impressive but the overall effect is just a blur.

Transformers is a great example. The car advert that inspired the film was brilliant, you could see the car parts and how they fitted together. Megatron. Yes, billions of tiny grey moving parts might be a master piece of GCI design but I honestly couldn;t tell you what he was doing, it all just faded into 1 big grey blur.

I have to say I think Ironman's suit was just perfect. Yes there was lots of detail but he wasn't covered in it. You didn't need a degree and years of experience with CGI to see what he was doing!
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:00, 3 replies)