Resident Loon
Sorry, it is not my own photo, it was posted by someone on a koi forum i go on, but it is genuine, and hopefully shows the level of intelligence needed to work for a council.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 20:56, Reply)

Having not being given any bins...
...we used to just put our rubbish into bin bags and just pile them outside, which was fine, but then the council decided that they would no longer take away rubbish that was not in a bin.
As we have a big house (15 bedroom student house), we had asked about having bins before, cos 20 festering bin bags in your yard is no picnic. We were promised them by our landlords (who are lying bags of shit at the best of times), but we kind of forgot about that for a bit, until the whole 'rubbish must be in a bin' thing came in.
We had no idea about this, until after all our rubbish had been sitting nicely in the sun for about a week or so, a bloke from the council knocked on our door to complain about our rubbish not being in bins and the way it was all decaying and gross, health and safety hazard etc. I explained how we would dearly love to use bins, but they still haven't given us any (our house used to be part of the college here and didnt generate nearly as much trash as us, so it just didn't occur to them to give us the nice big dumpsters we have now). He said there must have been a mistake and that he would check into it, with no word of apology for having had a go at me about it. Bah.

I then wondered how he knew it was our rubbish, other then it being behind our house, but then i noticed a skanky looking, greenish, damp smelly envelope with our address on in his hand. It must have been in the rotting trash for at least a week, and it still makes me smile to think of him rooting around in all our mouldy rubbish.
Ha. Tramp.
(Ryuken-Kai, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 20:33, Reply)

@ turtles head
Please, please tell us that you took that photo. The other engineers and I have been pissing ourselves.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 26 Jul 2007, 20:26, Reply)

TW council employ traffic wardens that are probably sex pests.
I got a rather unfair parking ticket from a local cunty traffic warden with the badge number TW*** who I regularly see skulking around town grinning to himself. Sadist.

I shall let my letter to the council tell the rest of the story:



Dear Cunts.

I would like to make a complaint about the aloof, obnoxious attitude displayed by your uniformed automaton TW***. Today I received a parking fine for being parked opposite the Foyer video shop on London Road Tunbridge Wells (despite the fact that cars seem to be parked there all day long without any problems and that I was there for approximately 6 minutes, NOT obstructing traffic).

I am not disputing the fine since I am not a hire company or white van driver. I am angry by the way that TW*** spoke to me as if I was 12. I have never had a parking ticket before so I am not familiar with your draconian procedures. When I asked how the system worked I was met by a snort and a sarcastic “Well what do you want to know?” He kept walking away from me, and not answering my questions, referring me to the leaflet stuck to my car, no doubt on the prowl for other targets to pounce on therefore adding to his hopefully meagre pay packet.

I must point out that I was not aggressive or rude. Although I was understandably annoyed, obviously I will not be parking there again as I have no desire to break the law. As the brief conversation ensued I became more and more frustrated by TW***’s evasiveness. If you are going to take a job that makes you a despised figure in public opinion at least have the decency to take the time to POLITELY explain the fine procedure, not patronisingly dismiss me. I started the conversation calmly and politely I am a passive person who as no affection for confrontation, however TW***’s attitude annoyed me far more than the parking ticket. By the way I suggest you concentrate your efforts on Monson Road. A road where blatant obstruction is commonplace.

I do not think it is too much to ask that TW*** is polite enough to answer my questions. I had not seen the documentation stuck to my car and simply wanted to know the process.

I would appreciate some sort of reply and for this to be fed back to TW***, so that he perhaps thinks about the way he speaks to his ‘customers’.

I appreciate your time, and look forward to receiving a reply within 14 days or a twice as large reply within 30.

Yours sincerely,



Drugs ARE the answer.
(Drugs ARE the answer., Thu 26 Jul 2007, 20:17, Reply)

India
We have 2 lovely Indian nurses working at our place. Both recruited from India a few years back to fill a (genuine) shortage of trained Psychiatric Nurses. Both Indian Citizens.
So Im helping one with their Citizenship exam the other day, doing a Q&A session from a book. I ask "Who cannot vote in a general election ?" and I ask the 4 answers. Turns out they voted at the last election, despite not being British citizens / Nationals. Looks like someone at the electoral office cocked up.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 19:56, Reply)

Plymouth City Council
Bumholes. They have this policy where you can't put your rubbish out before 6pm the night before your rubbish is going to be collected. Which we stuck to for the whole of our tenancy, except for when we were due to move out.

So we've cleaned out the house and have a few bin bags full of crap etc, but it's Monday and our rubbish isn't due to be collected until Wednesday. We didn't have a car and so couldn't take it to the tip. We couldn't leave it in the house or we'd lose our deposit. We couldn't technically put it out yet. So I phoned the letting agency and asked their advice. They assured me that the council make allowances for this kinda thing, especially as we were moving up to Bristol and couldn't just pop back round.

So we put the rubbish out, we move and all is well.

Until a week later I get a letter in the mail with a £50 fine for putting the rubbish out too early. I wrote back to explain the situation and even sent copies of the train tickets to prove what day we went. Their reply? Pay within 14 days or we will be forced to start an official enquiry. So I paid, to save hassle. And thought it was done.

A couple of months later I get another letter saying that as I haven't paid, they need me to come to their office to have some investigation and possibly go to court. Wtf? Over a few bin bags? I called them to find out why they thought I hadn't paid when it damn sure had come out of my bank account. They phoned back a while later to say a limp sorry, it had been an admin error.

Idiots.
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 19:54, Reply)

Have you been trapped in the relentless petty minded bureaucracy of your local council?
No, but these council workers will soon realise they have been trapped by all the hard work they had been doing...... putting up bollards.......

(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 19:35, Reply)

Damn.
If only I didn't work for the council.
(abignumber, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 19:31, Reply)

This is probably on the level
but it still makes me fucking mad enough to kill. Not about the council I know.
I married an American a few years ago and she came over here to live. Despite being wed to a UK citizen, every so often, her visa would need to be renewed, an uncomfortable £250 but still managable. All this time she has absolutely no access to benefits or aid, only relying on myself to take care of her until she could get a job (yeah, I know, sponge.) Recently we were overjoyed by the news that the next visa would be the last, and after this payment, she'd be elligable for citizenship, hurrah.

Except the fumbling cunts put up the price to a whopping £750. okay, that's no problem, we can just about manage on the credit card. Until they inform us that the process takes longer than before and while this visa is being processed, she'll have to get another temporary one... oh, what's that? £250 again? Shite.

It was at this point in a show of expert bad timing that her step mother fell ill and the missus had to fly home to look after her for a few weeks. You can imagine how much this is costing now, it's beyond the joke and quite frankly, if I moved to the states I'd have no trouble. Now I'm no racist but can someone explain how immigrants get by so bloody easily? How does a Polish guy get his fucking house paid for by his own damn government, put straight into a cushy job and all his visa shit done for him? My wife's a university grad and can't even get a fucking reply from Woolworths!!! when she applies for a job there in desperation.
I make no apologies for length, girth or vent of spleen, funting government.
(Suddenly, zebras Safe and sound for eternity, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 19:28, Reply)

Probably not just Perthshire unfortunately
Those who live in the UK already know that is has been wet this summer, for those who don't. It has been wet this summer in the UK. A lot of Englandshire is 6 inches underwater and my town has had maybe one afternoon this week (possibly even fortnight) when it hasn't been pissing it down.
So you understand now why I laughed until I almost crashed my car when I was confronted by this idiocy just along from my house.



To their credit it IS summer, and in summer the little planties need watering otherways they might wilt a little and that would be a tragedy! It's nice to know what your tax pounds are being wasted on eh?

wouldn't be suprised if this was seen either.

(Malcav, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 19:15, Reply)

Hitler hated artists too....
As part of the graphic design course I'm on, I regularly have to go out and about sketching buildings and the like. This can get quite aggravating on it's own due to the hours of sitting in the baking sun and sketching objects that have no relation to giant robots or tanks (I'm still 5 inside) without the constant threat of being arrested by some jumped up little shit in a flourescent jacket. I wouldn't be so bitter about it if I was politely told that the object of my attention was owned by the council and I needed permission to carry on (no big deal, I can move on and find something else), instead of being talked to like a fucking criminal. My only crime is being a student with a pencil it seems. Never mind the terrible rates of knife and gun crime we have here, oh no....

What's wrong with the council workers I encounter on my travels? Why are they so incapable of talking to people politely and not like some crap they just found stuck to their shoe. Absolute bastards.

I must apologise for ranting, I just have absolutely no respect for people who can't even make an effort to show some basic human compassion.
Oh yeah, this would be Nottingham City Council I'm talking about.

EDIT: There's also a traffic light on the city's most important main road that's completely obscured by a tree. If that's not incompetence I don't know what is.
(Badgers wear Corpsepaint it's true, I've seen them..., Thu 26 Jul 2007, 19:07, Reply)

Oh yeah and the police...
Sorry, know it's unrelated, but reading patently's thing reminded me about that. We used to have a police station right down the road, which would seem to be very useful when somebody rings on your door and screams that all your family will be killed in a massive river of blood, for about half an hour.

Of course it isn't in real life, it takes at least an hour for two policepeople to saunter down the road. My mum didn't sound scared enough on the phone, apparently.
(Cap'n, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 18:53, Reply)

I knew this woman once...
..run into the local nick, crying and sobbing her heart out. She looked a right mess, and there was makeup and mascara everywhere. The copper on the desk went up to her and asked if everything was ok. "I was raped by some council workers!" she cried. The copper took this in then asked "How do you know they were council workers?" She screamed "Cos I had to do all the fucking work!"

*changes username to apeloverage*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 18:45, Reply)

Bromley council
Decreed that a portion of my old house was actually owned by the house below it. However that portion was about one square foot in the middle of our living room. There was talk of building a small trapdoor that the people below could poke their heads through and just have a little look around, but luckily it never came to pass.
(Cap'n, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 18:44, Reply)

I nearly nicked myself.
I was rather amused earlier this year to recieve a threatening letter from my local council, stating that I would soon be prosecuted for failing to comply with fire regulations. A neighbor had begun storing petrol inside his shop for the purposes of cleaning , and some dimwit had addressed the warning letter to me instead of to him.

The amusement stemmed from the fact that the letter was supposedly written and signed by a certain fire officer of the local brigade, a nice bloke going by the name of 'incongruous'.

My council therefore managed to put me in the unusual position of threatening to prosecute myself. I almost wish it had gone to court:

"Would the defendant / council for the prosecution please rise and take his anti-schizophrenia medication".

I wonder how many other people I've unwittingly prosecuted?
(incongruous, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 18:38, Reply)

Canterbury Council
are a bit "special".

Last year I lived in a 7-bedroom house on the outskirts of the city (hour's walk from uni, but the housemates and the Sky were more than worth it, plus it was a gorgeous house).

The council's rubbish collectors come once a fortnight for all the general crap, and then again the next week for the recyclable stuff. So, we would have to find room for two weeks' worth of smelly, usually kebab-based garbage for the two weeks between collections.

Seven people. Three of which are kebab-loving boys, and the rest of us usually cooking things out of packets, plus the sheer volume of junk we had in the house that kept breaking. You do the math.

After we moved in, our next door neighbour's house went up for sale. Looking back, this was not a coincidence as our house had been empty for years, it seemed, before our landlord bought it, gutted it and did it up as a student house. The garden was full of the kind of junk people drunk on the way home from the club down the road would fling over the wall. That was a hell of a lot of Coke cans, takeaway boxes, crisp packets, and some things that were unrecognizable.

After a week the neighbour popped a letter through the letterbox explaining as though to idiots the workings of the rubbish collection and saying "I hope you find this helpful and not interfering."

About two months in, Neighbour comes round. She is a shortish woman, and is screaming like a banshee about the rubbish, claiming it was us who'd caused her to lose a sale on her house as they "thought you were squatters!". Any suggestions of "why didn't you tell them we weren't, if you want to sell so bad?" were met with more hissing and spitting.

Over time, this problem got worse, and no matter how often we called the landlord (who lived in a mansion somewhere in Islington) and asked him for another bin, he refused even thought it would only have cost him £40 (and considering he was getting 7 x £300 a month from our house alone...). Housemate With Car #1 refused to have the bin bags in his car, and the rest of us had no way of getting it to the dump that Neighbour From Hell kept screaming unintelligibly about.

Eventually, the situation got much worse as the weather got warmer and Neighbour From Hell's sale fell through once, twice, three times. The rubbish got warmer as it festered in the heat and admittedly the stench was unbearable. We recycled as much as was humanly possible, but Neighbour From Hell still came round to yell and sweep our path and tell us we were disgusting more often than we would have liked.

She came round and screamed at me when I opened the door one evening, I screamed at her, three of the others went round to try and calm the demon, and then the landlord phoned to bitch at us (no, I have no clue how she got his number), I had to beg him to sort out another bin for us, we called the council numerous times and ended up with a ton more binbags instead of the wheelie bin we wanted, we begged the landlord again, and we spent most of that night being as noisy as humanly possible to irritate our lovely neighbour.

From what I can gather, when we all moved out we left her about 15 binbags to deal with, and she hadn't sold last I heard when a friend of my former housemate moved in.

Serves you right, Christina or whatever your name was.
( Maladicta, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 18:21, Reply)

Brighton & Hove Council
Brighton and Hove council are great. It seems to be fully staffed by people who graduated from Sussex or Brighton but don't want to leave town.

When you phone up, people are slack/relaxed but in a good way. You always know you're talking to someone with a brain.

It's certainly better than the awfulness that can be councils in London. I'm pointing at YOU Wandsworth.
( cupboardy, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 17:50, Reply)

All council workers are idiots! (except me)
I currently work in a press office for a council in London (won't say which), and yes, although there are a lot of good people here, there are also people who seem like they've been lobotomised. I seriously dread ever having to book a meeting room.

But the worst are (unsurprisingly) the traffic wardens. The best warden related story I have is from a good few months ago, when a warden decided to leave a ticket on a motorcycle, parked on a double yellow. Fair enough, you'd think...

Not quite.

A few metres away, the motorcycle's owner was being carried into an ambulance after a nasty crash. How dare he leave his bike on a double-yellow!

The worst bit is (from my point of view), is that these dickheads thoughtlessly do these things, then I have to deal with the repercussions!
(hit me with your jesus stick, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 17:44, Reply)

If you want some idea of my local council
try reading this article:

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/1022712.stm
( Mystery_Bob, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 17:38, Reply)

I have been trying to give Manchester City Council money for the last two months.
I moved to a new flat about two months ago, and its the first time i have needed to pay council tax (I previously lived in all bills included rented house). I have called and emailed the council to ask the for a bill, but all i ever get is an automated phone service and they never reply to my emails. In the end, I'm just going to get lumbered with a big bill for retrospective payments. Manchester City Council Council Tax Department are cnuts
( JimmyD I let my best ideas go to waste, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 17:36, Reply)

Punk Band Special Duties also
wrote a punk classic called "Colchester Council (full of shit)

Seems Hackney aren't the only local authority immortalised in musical hatred.
(Nick_Toznost, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 17:35, Reply)

North Somerset County Council
Or perhaps more specifically, certain parts of it.

Although I work from home during the week, I have a weekend job at Bristol airport, and don't get home on Saturday and Sunday nights till nearly midnight.

This one Sunday night there was a car parked outside the house opposite ours, so to leave room for passing cars, I parked half up on the pavement outside my house.

The next morning I looked out of my kitchen window to see a traffic warden happily ticketing my car. The cunt-munging bastard.

A ticket. A fuck-buggering parking ticket. For parking outside my own house. I don't think, in all honesty, I have ever been more angry with another human being - and in his case, I do use the word reservedly.

Now, there are a few extra points to this story, as follows:

1. I live in a cul-de-sac, three miles out of the town centre.

2. I have never seen a traffic warden in our part of town ever.

3. Our street is not visible from the main road: you Can't just happen upon it as you walk or drive past.

4. The woman a few doors away from me, who works for the council has recently fallen out with my best friend (and by association, with me) and is a petty, spiteful, vindictive bitch.

You don't have to be Sherlock fucking Holmes to work out a possible connection...
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 26 Jul 2007, 17:34, Reply)

Not Council, but Bureaucracy Nevertheless.
I'm American, but I've lived in Korea for many years. Once I lost a job and under Immigration rules, you have to leave the country to get a new visa, so I went back to New York to see the parents and to get a new visa. The (Korean) missus wasn't happy about it, but those are the rules.

When I went to the Korean consulate in New York, I filled out the visa application and went to the window. The woman behind the thick bulletproof glass pointed at the blank that said "Type of visa" and mentioned that I hadn't filled it in.

"Yeah, I know," I said. I have to ask you about that. I'm married to a Korean. My wife and I bought an apartment in Seoul. What sort of visa do I need?"

She asked, "Do you have a job in Korea?"

"No," I answered, "I am going to look for one when I arrive."

"Oh," she said quickly, "Then you're a tourist."

"Lady, did you hear me? I am married to one of your citizens. I own property in your country. What visa do I need?"

She stared at me for a moment, and then asked again, "Do you have a job in Korea?"

"No."

"Then you're a tourist."

This went on for five more minutes with me explaining how asinine this was (in English and Korean), but she wouldn't budge, simply because I didn't have a job in Korea.
Marriage and owning property weren't enough.

When we finished, I understood why she was behind bulletproof glass, and in the end, I had to get a tourist visa to go home.
(countertroll, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 17:18, Reply)

Legless
Nothing makes a statement quite like greeting a complete and utter c*nt with a 10 second burst from a heavy machine gun. I know this may sound a little over the top initially, but if it's Charlie, fuck 'er, give her 15 seconds and a good hard kick in the flange.
Sorted.
Statement made.
Length? 15 to life if you follow this advice.
(behold the golden sausage has never been bi-curious., Thu 26 Jul 2007, 17:07, Reply)

Bangor Shity Cuntcil
Second year of univ, first year in a private house [read: cheaply-gained shit-tip for rent]. As we all know, students are exempt from Council Tax, right?

Notso according to the first letter. We laughed it off, sure, we reasoned, they couldn't be arsed given most of Bangor is students?

The second letter came and my dear friend Al used it for rollups. :) I called politly, and informed them of the situation. And all was well on the hill behind the High Street.

The third letter came. It was big, red and smelt odd. Yes, it smelt. Had it been used for a wankrag then hastily hairblower-dried? A frown and an ignore.

And then came the fourth and the FIFTH 'demands', including mentions of court action. Panic let loose, I was not happy and ran about trying to find numbers to call in order to rage at the forgetful, lazy, shitstain excuses for council filers.

Did I mention our single female housemate went into a panic and hurled a fork at my face amidst the frenzy?

Bastards.
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 16:43, Reply)

not hackney, but bloody Islington
just bought my first home.

turn up at islington parking office with just about every piece of paper with evidence that I had just bought the damn place... ie mortgage forms, leasehold contract, registry docs the works.

can I get a temp permit while I unload my van?

can I fuck. I need a 'utility bill'.

did I get a ticket?

of course I did.
( ExactlyHowLongDoIHaveToBeHere, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 16:29, Reply)

as a teenager,
I had a friend (also teenage) who was attending the local college full-time, and lived in one of the tiniest, grottiest little council bedsits you ever did see. Unsurprisingly, he was eligible for full Council Tax Benefit.

One day, he got a letter informing him that he owed the Council £0.00 in unpaid council tax over the last few months, and should come to their offices to pay it within 28 days.

He dutifully made his way to the council office where they assured him that it was a computer-generated letter and that obviously £0.00 wasn't anything to worry about.

Couple of months later, and there's another letter. This one tells him that they are taking him to court for his non-payment of the outstanding £0.00 and gives the date and time of the hearing. Again, he goes to their office. Again, he is told it is obviously a mistake and to just forget about it.

Shortly after that, and fast approaching exam time, another letter. This one informs him that as he didn't attend the hearing, the Council have won by default, and he is now required to pay not only the £0.00 but also £40-odd in fees and costs. It gives another hearing date. My friend was rather alarmed by this, as £40 is a lot of money when you're on teenage-level benefit and have no family to fall back on.

He showed up to that hearing, to make sure that a human being would have to actually look at the details of his 'non-payment'. It was thrown out by the person in charge of the hearing within minutes. No one from the council apologised.
( Batsgirl, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 16:21, Reply)

it's the same all over the world...
this was the recent experience of a friend of mine over here in the great state of Ohio...

"My weekend began with a letter stating that my personal information (social security number etc) had been compromised along with 500,000 other Ohio citizens when a laptop was stolen from a state employee.

In an attempt to diffuse the uproar, a spokesperson insisted "the IT system is so complex, even we don't know how to fully access the information".

I feel better already...."
(jaimemcc, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 15:50, Reply)

joined up thinking? RUBBISH
My council have outsourced everything including commonsense. If I put my rubbish out a day early I will be liable for a fine, but if the contracters don`t collect it what do you do? As I asked are you deemed to be putting rubbish out 6 days early and still get fined? Grrrr.

and as for recycling.... we are now obliged to only use the council supplied pink bags which seem to be glazed ricepaper for garden waste.
" we will collect any number of these. " fine I had two proper bags worth of bramble to clear and it filled 8 because they tear oh and if they are in the sun for more than X days they fall to bits, so if the contractors leave it a week in summer there is a danger they will disintegrate.

My favourite the "waste food bins" because of an eu directive, when I was a kid (60`s) the local council and the farmers ( despite this being in greater london) had a similar scheme that had gome on since the war, except the bins were emptied regularly, every couple of days because they were "swill bins" for their pigs.

Thats what I call them, thats what they are, lets not get all genteel about it, the only pigs are those on the council and they are nowtalking fortnightly removal?

Ah that feels a little better...........
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 15:39, Reply)

Crazy Council employee
There’s a man I meet walks up our street
He’s a worker for the council
Has been twenty years
And he takes no lip off nobody
And litter off the gutter
Puts it in a bag
And never seems to mutter
And he packs his lunch in a sunblest bag
The children call him bogie
He never lets on
But I know ’cause he once told me
He let me know a secret about the money in his kitty
He’s gonna buy a dinghy
Gonna call her dignity

Fucking liar.
(brycemonkey No fatal accidents since:, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 15:26, Reply)