Not so much crazy as racist.
Old people are racist, its a fact.

On the day of my sister’s graduation, I sat in the car with my parents and father's parents. My Dad got lost and my granddad was doing a poor job of directing him, considering he used to be the captain of a ship. Chuckling, my gran turns to me and says "There like a pair of nignogs!" I laughed a little, putting it down to badly chosen words. Then she smiled and said "It's such a nice, sunny day. It's because were Christians." I laughed harder.

Then really began in the ceremony, I was sat with the oldies in a side row, nestled between the two. As Asian man was sat beside my granddad, who looked rather annoyed, and whispered to me that the guy stank of garlic. I made an acknowledging noise, hoping the guy wouldn’t hear. Don’t want to ruin his day. Granddad then repeats this to my gran rather loudly explaining that the man next to him "stinks of garlic." I just wanted to hide, I didn't want to upset the poor guy, or have a jihad placed on me!

We finally get out, I think the racism is coming to an end, oh no my gran giggles then remarks "trust your granddad to get sat next to a darkie!" Right when the guy walked out. They sound mean but god they are so nice, I love em to bits.


Length, two long hours.
(Mong goose, Fri 6 Jul 2007, 0:41, Reply)

MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
I am the black sheep of the family, apparantely when i was born my extended family on my dad's side we're saying that my mother gave birth to the devil, and true to their word at the age of 10 i broke my older cousin's nose for looking at me weird, the cocky shit.

i am a much calmer person these days.

Length??? blood all over the place!!!
(Squid83, Fri 6 Jul 2007, 0:38, Reply)

Resident Loon...
Said video has been removed due to serious allegations of reverse child abuse.
(wrigglesworth, Fri 6 Jul 2007, 0:31, Reply)

My grandmother is afflicted with both dementia AND Alzheimer's
and thanks to terrible family relations I actually don't even know if she's still alive....but anyway.

The last time I saw her she thought I was my mum, and my mum was me. So she was poking my poor old mother around and pulling her cheeks saying things like "Haven't you grown up" and "Oooh, I'd love to see the boys chasing you".

As for me, she ignored me for a while before suddenly remembering I was in fact her granddaughter, whereupon she counted out a handful of two pence pieces and pressed them into my hand, saying "You'll need a bit of pocket money, you'll be starting school soon eh?"

I had tits for fuck sake.

Anyway. Last thing I heard the wardens were having a terrible time because they'd tried to take her out to watch the dogs and gamble a bit of her pension, and in her hurry to get dressed she had put on every single item of clothing in her possession because she didn't want to get cold and she was scared Nancy from downstairs would steal her clothes if she left them in the flat.

Poor old bird. It's more depressing when I remember how compus mentis she was only a few years ago....*sigh*
( Spazzcat jam out with your clam out, Fri 6 Jul 2007, 0:27, Reply)

How many
b3ta users are the crazy relative of the family?
(ratthingbazzterd, Fri 6 Jul 2007, 0:17, Reply)

A bit late
Sorry I was too late to post something good in the last QOTW - I got home from shopping to find I had locked myself out of my house, so to get in I decided to climb up to the open window. However, when I climbed, my trousers and underwear fell down, I fell backwards and a bottle of ketchup managed to enter me, which then would not come out, resulting in a week of hospitalisation and thus, my lateness.

I'll show myself the door.
(ratthingbazzterd, Fri 6 Jul 2007, 0:16, Reply)

My great crazy grandfather...
He was a bit off his rocker bless him, he used to wake up every morning, go down to the local cornershop (in his slippers and dressing gown) and buy a loaf of bread and some marmalade, go home and then go back to sleep. he'd wake up again later on in the morning, thinking that it was the next day, go down to the cornershop and by another loaf and some more marmalade. He didnt even notice the piles of the stuff in the kitchen! Eventually my mum had to tell the guy at the cornershop not to serve him more than once.
(cantbearsed I cant be bothered to write a sig... wait, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 23:59, Reply)

Bob.
My late grandfather used to have a problem with cats crapping in his prized garden. He hated them so much that he would keep a water pistol filled with bleach by his back door. He'd watch through his kitchen window and, upon spotting a moggie, grab the squirter and dash out of the back door to attack.

When he discovered that this didn't do his roses much good when he (usually) missed, he bought not one but _two_ air pistols. He'd keep them loaded and developed an amazing technique where he held one in each hand, could quickly cock both, and burst out of the back door firing them together, John Woo-style.

He continued this until about two months before he died aged 88.



P.S. as far as I know, no cats were actually harmed during the making of this story. He was brilliant to watch, but a lousy shot.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 23:54, Reply)

My older brother
Is a total knob. I don't speak to him, sort of, ever. He is a knob you see. About ten years ago however, when I was 14 and still living with my mum, I remember him sitting up at the dining room table filling out a mock 'intelligence test' he'd been given in the pub. Dodgy old photocopy it was.

He caught on with the first question 'a plane crashed exactly halfway between England and France. Where did they bury the survivors?' and clearly felt of Mensa standard.

Sadly ths was dashed on the next question when he shouted 'Muuuum! What was the dog called in Lassie?!'

He was twenty-six.
(Northern Lovely, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 23:21, Reply)

Dad
When my dad was younger (fresh from his first year at uni, the story goes), he came home at the end of term, and engaged in a bit of jovial wrestling with his 13 year old brother, as is to be expected. However, he then proceeded to smear Tabasco Sauce on his younger siblings bellend. Apparently the bidet was occupied for days.

This story was later recounted at said younger brothers wedding... The marriage didn't last long.

As for length, he was only 13 at the time...
(Merrep, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 23:07, Reply)

Two Mad Families Unite
Oh where do I start? His family or mine? I don’t know which is worse. When I first met his mother, she fell asleep pissed in her jumper; his gran told me to pull her finger and promptly farted and his brother flashed his dick having a piss.

My family; the mad nan who hit her head on the garage door and said she had amnesia and decided to shave all her hair off; the deceased gran (who used to flash her knickers all the time) who pissed in my wardrobe before dying in my bed; my pot-smoking uncle who ate the flowers at my (mad) nan’s conservative dinner party or my v. posh granddad who told my then boyfriend now hubby that the next door neighbour had accused him of pinching her tits (blue-tits, the bird). There is never a dull moment in our family!!! And that’s just for starters.
(brocky, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 22:43, Reply)

My mum
is a bit of a dog.

Don't really trust my brother that much either.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 22:29, Reply)

Nazi...
The day after my 18th birthday my Nan phoned me up to say -

'Now you're 18 you can vote...BUT DON'T VOTE FOR THE NAZIS!!!' As if I was planning to...:S

Also when taking an old boyfriend to meet my grandparents, my mum had brought my Nan some granny knickers as a present - to which she replied - 'BUT I DON'T WEAR ANY KNICKERS!!' rather loudly...not a pleasant thought...
(Strangemiester, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 22:22, Reply)

shit steppa
years back when there was always loadsa dog $h!t (even white) on the pavement, my grandad always walked along and go to tread in a nice fresh dogg slop, pretending he didnt notice it was there.

anyone he was with would start panic-warning him, he would'nt take notice, giving my mum a heart attach, but then at the last minute do a little side step.

i think it was more of a habit than a practical joke.

Oh yeah, another time he came round our house in summer.

he stayed in the car as we all made our way out back for a bbq.

next minute, we all hear a sound up on the roof.
looking up, the old git has only climbed over the house and is sitting there like a monkey!

he stayed there for a while and we just threw nuts up at him!
top notch, old boy
(burkymurk likes to jerk, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 22:07, Reply)

Inapropiate presents
It was my mums birthday(back in the day when I still carefree ).I was in my bedroom playing some tunes when my mother walked in and said you may as well have this.I was presented with a cartoon figure on a skateboard and underneath was written WORLDS GREATEST SKATEBOARDER ??????...I asked who,d you get it from? "It was a birthday present FROM YOUR GRANDMOTHER!!!!"...What the fuck??????
(andycrass loves two hats on, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 21:50, Reply)

A girlfriend
Aged 23, who mostly speaks through her cuddly toys - in particular a penguin she's had since she was born and she won't allow to be washed or sprayed with febreeze.

Eventually I stopped going anywhere near this penguin as I always ended up itching or came out in a rash.
( thistle, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 21:41, Reply)

My late grannie
Lived to be 94 and spent the last twenty years of her stretch dispensing misery wherever she could. One remark she made about thirty years ago, though, has gone down in family history.

I was single then and mum and I went to visit grannie not long after Christmas. "What did the Jannie buy you for Christmas, then,", she asked. "A book" replied mum. "What do you want a book for" asked grannie. "You've got a book".

Then there was the time I visited at the same time as an old friend of hers. As the day wore on and the old friend made to leave, grannie said "the Jannie can drop you off on his way". She hadn't quite grasped that I was going three miles in one direction while the old friend was going seventy miles in another . . .
(The Jannie, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 21:40, Reply)

The great late father-in-law...
My ex's father (who has been dead for about 16 years now) was somewhat notorious around the area where I was born for his drunken shenanigans- I've heard more than a few stories about him. But he had one trait they never mention- his passion for what I shall generously call "redneck engineering". A few examples:

-while out mowing the lawn one day, a piece of driveway gravel was flung by the mower and shattered the glass globe on the light by the driveway. His solution? He got an old pickle jar, painted the inside white and out it upside down on the lamp post.

-the cap for the master cylinder on his car's brake system was lost. He replaced it with the lid from a jar of baby food.

-his station wagon had a pneumatic system that raised a little door over the headlight when you switched it on. The cylinder gave out on one side. Instead of repairing it, he broke off a chunk of tree branch and jammed it in there so it would be permanently open.

-due to the harsh winters in New York, cars tend to corrode pretty quickly from the salt they put down on the ice. So when his cars got holes from the rust, he patched them with furnace cement.

-he always kept a coffee can in the car. Why? In case there were no restrooms nearby.

-every room in the house had an electrical outlet that was controlled by the switch by the door. So every room had a radio in it which would turn on when you flipped on the lights. This included the bathrooms, the basement and the barn.

He used to be an insomniac, so he would often get up in the wee hours of the morning and listen to talk radio at the kitchen table. (My kids swear up and down that the last two times they stayed in that house they could hear a radio in the kitchen at night and someone moving around in there, opening the cupboards. But when they entered the room the radio was off and no one was there...)

The guy was a true nutter. No wonder my ex is batshit insane...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 5 Jul 2007, 21:19, Reply)

Gluttonous great aunt
My late Great-Aunty Annie lived through the austerity of the war years and made up for it when rationing ended.

My mother stayed with her for a while before my parents were married. Meals consisted of:

1. Breakfast. A big fry-up.
2. Elevenses. Tea, cake and biscuits.
3. Lunch at 12 o'clock sharp, meat and two veg.
4. Afternoon tea at 4. Sandwiches.
5. High tea at 5. A light meal.
6. Dinner at 7. A big meal.
7. If you didn't plead illness and scarper upstairs to bed, supper at 9.

She lived to a ripe old age, but must have needed a spherical coffin.
(rogerzilla, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 21:15, Reply)

Pervy Mike
I think you just earned your nickname. Five seconds of that video was far too much. Filming your dad's naked arse from behind as he crawls across a carpet is beyond disturbing...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 5 Jul 2007, 20:48, Reply)

OOOOH YOU ARE LUCKY
My cousin has had 8 months off school because of "swirly headaches".

One day i'll kill him.
(abignumber, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 20:36, Reply)

My Dad's fucking nuts
Once he came to collect me from school and it just happened to be red nose day. My old man walked into the packed but relatively quiet classroom with a big blob of blu-tac on his nose that he'd tried to colour in with a red biro.
(fatcock has decided to be more mysterious.....or has he?, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 20:35, Reply)

tip of the iceberg:
1. My second cousin has been "away" since he was about twenty because he tried to kill several members of his family with an axe. They had to lock him in the basement - he almost got through the door before the mental health people could come get him.

2. During an argument with my mother about a year ago, my sister got in her car and repeatedly backed it into the neighbor's car until it was totally smashed and then drove away. I've heard that when she gets upset she repeatedly hits herself in the head and yells, "I'm so stupid!" The craziest part: she refuses to seek professional help and thinks that holistic remedies like fish oil will keep the crazy away.
( kingoffools, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 20:29, Reply)

Slightly eccentric rather than barking mad
One of my aunts talks to wheelie bins.

Another aunt.....

- shaves off her eyebrows and pencils them in....badly;

- bought me cologne for Christmas (I'm female). It was that '50p at the market' stuff too. My cousin got a better present of an umbrella. Shame he's permenantly on crutches.

- has grown her fringe and has it piled up on top of her head so she looks like Mr Whippy.

- is still convinced 70s wide collars are in fashion and wears black tights with white sandals.

- her jaw starts moving a good 5 seconds before her voice decides to kick in, like a badly dubbed kung fu film.


But the nuttiest relative has got to be my late grandad. Examples include.....

- playing hide and seek with me and my cousins wearing a balaclava and dark sunglasses (I have photographic proof of this).

- throwing a stepladder out of an upstairs window because he couldn't be arsed to carry them downstairs. Broke the steps and most of my nan's flowers.

- going swimming in the sea on a family outing, wearing white pants because he didn't have his swimmers. They went seethrough.

- walloping my dad over the head with a wooden mallett for a laugh. Something to do with keeping his troops in line when he was in the army in WWII.

- insisting that Taboo was a new kind of squash and gave it to me and my cousins (I was about 7 or 8 at the time).

I miss the mad old git.
(ninja chinchilla, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 20:12, Reply)

sleepwalking loon
I once awoke to find my mother in her nightclothes with one leg out of my window trying to climb out.
I grabbed her just before she plummeted 20ft to a certain death and asked what the hell she was doing. Her befuddled answer haunts me to this day:
"I've got to dust the picture"

mad old bitch
( MontyyouterribleCUNT I gave Jeremy Kyle cancer, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 19:45, Reply)

And here's one on Mom...
The year was 1993. It was about a month before I moved away from upstate NY, while I was living on one of the Finger Lakes southwest of Syracuse.

There was a massive snowstorm in April that dumped about three feet of snow overnight. It took me a day to dig out my cars from it and paralyzed Syracuse for a couple of days- not an easy thing to do.

That weekend I called up my parents to see how they had fared in the Adirondacks. Mom said that Dad was very worried, as rain was in the forecast. Rain on a large amount of fluffy snow is like water into a sponge- and that's usually what causes roofs to collapse up there. So I agreed to come up and shovel the roofs with Dad.

He and I spent the better part of the morning and afternoon on the roof with our shovels. We realized that the best approach was to use the shovels to cut the snow into blocks and slide them to the edge of the roof, so we dumped these three and a half foot tall blocks down about twenty feet to form a pile that was to stay there well into May.

When we finished, Dad was pretty well wiped out- he was 65 at the time- so when Mom asked if he was also going to clear off the woodsheds, he growled that as far as he was concerned the goddam things could collapse. Mom turned to me. "What do you think? Are you up for shoveling a bit more?"

"Sure." I was thirty at that point and had had some coffee, so I was still able to go on. So Mom and I set up a ladder on the back of the woodshed roof and climbed up to shovel.

We used the same technique- cut a block, get the shovel under it and drag it to the edge- and got it cleared reasonably quickly. But when I went to climb down I realized that I had done something very stupid.

We had buried the goddam ladder under the snow.

I shook my head. "Sorry, Mom. I should have thought of that. I'll jump down into the snow and dig it out." And I hopped down about eight feet and landed knee deep in the pile we had made.

I was about to dig out the ladder when I heard, "Hey, that looked like fun!" And I looked up just in time to see my 63 year old mother sailing through the air and end up waist deep in the snow.

It took me a few minutes extra to dig her out because we were both laughing so hard...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 5 Jul 2007, 19:11, Reply)

My Nana
Regularly phones the council to complain that there are ARMADILLOS living in her house, and they should do something about it. No matter how much we try and explain to her that WOODLICE can get through the smallest crack, and that getting the odd one a month in her hall during summer will not actually harm her.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 18:41, Reply)

wish I'd met them
My great grandfather was apparently a warlord in the Chinese south.

The fact that he was a warlord wasn't the craziest part...

...nor was the fact that he was assassinated by his own lackey who was bought off by a sworn enemy...

...whilst he was getting absolutely wasted in an opium den...

nope.

It was my great-grandmother who eventually had the lackey and enemy killed after putting a price on their heads.

Lovely.
(lardarse, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 18:38, Reply)