Oral sex-related pearoast!
My former bro-in-law told me that he once heard a little boy in a supermarket attempt to blackmail his mother, thus -

'If you don't buy me some sweets I'll tell everyone I saw you kissing Daddy's willy last night!'

His mother was cringing, but I bet his daddy wasn't.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 9:39, 3 replies)

Pissed as a fart and work with people with learning disabilities..
So i have devoted my life to working with less able people, trying to bring a little sunshine to their lives lol...
Anywho here goes!
Watching Chelsea Vs Arsenal a few years back with a few too many beers in me, getting overly irrate about ultimately a bunch of nambys kicking a ball...
A female companion remarks about thinking Jehns Lehmann's fit... what did i do? Make a remark about the obvious poor condition of her eyes? NO. Instead i announce he looks like he's got downs syndrome... Not just saying it and then marking the ugly episode with a fullstop, oh no, i then proceed to start substituting part of the chorus of "get down on it" to "Get downs! Get downs!" really loudly. The pub goes silent, i mean deathly silent, i turn around to see two people with downs syndrome clutching their pints with a support worker accutely aware of how much of a penis i am...
Think my karmic balance took a nosedive there!
Truely one of the worst things i think i've ever said, even now it feels like someone subjecting me to hours of coldplay... pure agony!
(SteroidPigOhurugu, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 9:33, 3 replies)

Playing
Monkey Island 2 again with my 11 year old sister.
When looking at a portable street organ as an inventory item, Guybrush says "What a big organ!"

I had forgotten about that one, and started laughing my ass off.
My sister didn't understand the joke.
( Grokthought wouldn't pay that for Chinese 5-Spice, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 9:32, 3 replies)

Weddings - Oh no
Late 1990's - I was old enough to know better. A very good friend's wedding. Lovely rural location, lots to drink, not enough to eat (that's my story and I'm sticking to it). Me pissed, talking to another old friend and his slightly older (6 yrs older) girlfriend (now his wife). At the time I had a convertable Triumph Herald (for those not in the know - this was a classic car from the 1950s/60s and very early 70s) which I spent every spare pound on. Bit of a saddo really, but I loved that car. The conversation moved on to the subject of my car with Sue commenting that she had once had one. My response? "Was that from new?" They moved on and soon left the reception
(conanow, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 9:31, Reply)

Another Xmas Caper (reminded by post below)
In 2ndary school, our class are all made to take "Religious Education" or as it's known nowadays as "Why they want to bomb us". We're all sitting there bored shiteless and Christmas is mentioned by the teacher. She asks "Anyone know why we celebrate Christmas?" All of us stick our hands up like good little sheep, bar (or should that be bahhhh) little Brian who'se sitting quietly and keeping to himself. The teacher immediately spots this lost lamb and asks "Brian, you know why we celebrate Christmas?"
"Ummm....we all get presents?"
"Yes....and?"
"And....um....we all have dinner together?"
"Yes, Christmas dinner, but why do we celebrate it?"
"Ummmm....Santa Claus?"
By this time everyone in the class is smirking to themselves and a few sniggers are heard here and there. Oh how we cringed for poor Brian, the lost lamb of the fold. Sorry, I meant stupid chav.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 9:30, 1 reply)

Best friends boyfriend
My best friends boyfriend, James, casually asked last week:

"When is Christmas this year?"

After giving him a I-know-you're-not-that-dumb kinda look, and then realising that he WAS being serious, she asked "What, seriously?", giving a few seconds for the sheer daftness of the question to sink in.

James's face changed as he realised his mistake - Christmas is the same day every year, after all - but he is a man, so he had to try and save some face.

"No! I didn't mean THAT!..." he replied, "I just meant is it on the 25th this year?"...

As she says, she's with him for his looks.
( SeasonTicketless is too often the statue, and rarely the pigeon., Mon 1 Dec 2008, 9:07, 1 reply)

This happened just now
Like, literally 5 minutes ago. I have still not stopped cringing, and yet, I will post it here for your amusement. Or more likely complete disgust.

So, I went to the bog to drop some kids off at the pool, kids were dropped off successfully, I turn towards the toilet roll dispenser and...no bloody bog roll.

FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

What to do? My eye was drawn to the waste paper basket, in which there was a load of scrunched up bog roll. Heaven be praised, I was SAVED! There was only one thing for it. I pulled the paper out of the bin, whereupon I discovered that it was all glued together. Ewwww! But of course, beggars can't be choosers.

And that is how I had no choice but to wipe my arse with my housemate's discarded spunky toilet paper.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 8:52, 13 replies)

Library VS NWA
It happened way back in college whilst i was studying hard in the library. I had been hard at it for at least 20 minutes when i noticed people going up to the counter and getting headphones (the big Dave Lee Travis ear cup ones), and so i wanted a piece of the action. I got up and asked for the headphones and the librarian told me what to do and where to go. I sat down in front of the tape cassette player and inserted my day old copy of 'Straight outta Compton'. After pressing play i waited for the intro, but none came. I pressed stop then again pressed play and still nothing after a short while. Then the tap on my shoulder made me take the phones off. Unknown to me i had inserted the jack in the wrong socket and every student, librarian and lecturer in the library had an earful of 'FUCK THE POLICE' at high volume. CRINGING BADLY AT THIS AS I READ IT..Nver went back into the library again all term...
(whuppingboy, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 8:30, Reply)

I was cringing for days after seeing this.
au.youtube.com/watch?v=w0OWwAcXtTI
The worst part is, I go to school with her. It's hard to pretend to like something like that.
( Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 8:16, 9 replies)

Driving on the way to work one early morning
I've got a hangover and am not quite fully awake yet. So I hop in the car, air-con blasting and driver window open. It's a bit dark this morning and I'm knackered, but I need me beer token pay, so I set off.
I get about 30 yards down the road when some nutter walks out in front of me. I slam the brakes on and just about stop myself from flattening him. Me driver-side window is open and I shout out "What are you, BLIND!!?!?!??" just as the white stick comes into view and the guide dog's head appears from around the car bumper in front of me. Oh fuck.
I swear the dog was giving me the "How dare you" look as I drove away, leaving me mentally feeling like I'd just kicked myself in the nuts.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 8:09, Reply)

Last Night
Badminton, I was winning for a change and winning well. My friend and I were in the middle of a particularly good 5 minute rally which had my badminton partner all over the court, from front to back, left to right, when I chanted "run monkey-boy, run"

He visibly winced.

I chanced a look over onto the next court, only to see a family of four African American faces staring back at me.

Time stopped, The shuttlecock landed un-noticed at my feet and I died a little inside.

At this point a couple of thoughts go though my head. Would I make this worse if I apologize as I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone? Or would my apology just emphasise the fact that my remark could be interpreted as a racist and my apology would just be underlining this fact, despite the fact that it wasn't aimed at them.

Eventually I just stared straight ahead, avoided any eye contact, retrieved the shuttlecock and continued playing with a kind of terrified, smiley, rictus plastered over my face in the sincere hope that it was really obvious that I was referring to my mate...

Not proud of that one at all, not one of my finest hours... :-/

Length - about 4" with feathers and a cork tip
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 8:00, 4 replies)

Shameful *heavily edited* Pea-Roast
It was without doubt one of the best, yet simultaniously worst times of my life.

The Scene: School. A picturesque lakeland town, where a few holiday houses were situated.
Spotted one day, sat on the wall was a lass who quite blatantly was not from the area.

I was 15, Bold, and had nothing to do all afternoon. Introductions went well, the afternoon went like a breeze; after agreeing to meet the next day we part with a kiss. Sorted.

Next evening we're sat on a hillside looking out over the town, gently fiddling and cuddling, and the following conversation ensues.
"Penny for your thoughts" drops off my lips.
"Sex" says she.
After mentally running a victory lap of the world, I delve deeper, both physically and mentally... "Be more specific"
"I'm Wondering what sex would be like with you"
*another victory lap.... this time with WOO and YAY on a banner*
"Couldn't say", says I trying to be mature, "Never done it, so I have no idea if it's be good" *pats self on head for smoothness*
"Well, I have no idea either... but we could find out....."
*My victory-lap-running metal figure went into overdrive*
Smart-arse here has a rug, and rubber with him... so suggests we toddle off into the woods...
"No" says she... "I have to go talk to my mum first"
No probs.. she's obvously gonna say "Off for a walk with Humpty Mum.... back in a bit"
"Sure" says I. "I'll meet you back here"
"No, You're coming with me"
*Eeeep* We walk to the cottage, and she rings the doorbell.
Mum "Hello L, Where've you been"
L "hi mum, this is Humpty, we've been for a walk"
Mum "ahh. That's nice"
L "Mum?... We're going to go and have sex"
At this point, I nearly lost bowel control.

The details of what followed are unimportant. Suffice to say We went on for hours, and I hated every moment of it. All the time there was the mental image of her mother's disapproving face, with mine mirrored in her eyes, cringing with horror as L uttered those words. The image itself was the complete opposite of an aphrodisiac.

The words "Hi Mum, we're going to go and have sex" left me stood infront of her sizeable mother, feeling very, VERY small... To this day I think the only reason I didn't run like the wind was because in light of this amazing statement, my brain was too busy melting to be able to galvanise my legs into action. Had I managed to move, I'd have been skidding in shit as I tried to run. Bowels or feet: I'd have only had the mental capacity for one at a time.

Even though I now know that they were the words that paved the way to one of my life's most told stories, It was still terrible.

***** wavy lines *******

15 years later, and I'm now in touch with her over Facebook. Seems as though my terror-fuelled "stamina" earned me a place in history. She tells the story of a 15 year old Stud who screwed her rigid and made her come countless times... I haven't had the heart to tell her that I never came, and that every time I think of it, the image of her mother calmly containing her burning rage comes to mind.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 1 Dec 2008, 7:44, 1 reply)

and another
This question's tailor made for me.

This one was reminded to me, just after Movember finishes for another year. I was told that whilst on the beer, I'd said to a female friend that she'd grow a better moustache than I could.
(Grey_Ghost has yet to decide on a sig on, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 7:23, Reply)

fresh off the press!
This one just happened this afternoon, in fact.

I had to give a blood sample, put simply, to find out what's wrong with me. The closest place to my girlfriends house to do this is a local womans clinic.
Went there, and had the hole drilled into me (I don't like needles. At all.) and then left my phone in the consulting room. Didn't realise this until an hour or so later, so went back to get it. They said they'd called the number listed under Dad in the phone directory.

An hour after that, I got a phone call from my father asking if I'd knocked the girlfriend up, as they'd rang to say that "Your *daughter* has left her phone at the womans clinic". Certainly fun to explain that I was at the woman's clinic, using the pathology services, not because the girlfriend was up the duff.

No excuses for length, she finds it perfectly sized.
(Grey_Ghost has yet to decide on a sig on, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 7:08, Reply)

JAFFA CAKES
Someone close to me works in a field where she has to often chair or present to very large meetings.

Often there are people with disabilities present which is fine and how it should be but one such event saw a guy with severe physical disabilities put his hand up during the Q&A. Obviously he had to be taken. His words were exceptionally hard to make out - and his questions I am genuinely assured sounded like "Jaffa Cakes Jaffa Cakes Jaffa Cakes" to our herone.
She politely asked him to say it again but still all she could make out was what seemed like a request for more chocolate spongy delights filled with orange tangy jelly.
At a loss to answer the no doubt perfectly apposite and insightful question she turned to look for help from the person's carer on the assumption that the carer would be used to the speech impediment. The carer shook his head very slightly at her look of query and looked away to avoid being brought into the awkward situation. Slowly the horror of her plight dawned on our presenter - she was entirely on her own in front of a 200 strong audience who together collectively were desperate to see how she would respond to the question without offending anyone.
A moments pause then she spoke
"Thank you, for making an important and often forgotten point. I agree housing retention for vulnerable adults is an area of concern. The demographic is one which should cause us to consider various factors." And so on.
She cringes about this even today but it was probably the only thing to do - and after all no one could be really sure he wasn't asking about housing policy for adults at risk.
And if he was only asking for a Jaffa Cake well the tea break was immediately after the session and he wouldn't have long to wait.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 5:18, 2 replies)

Probably....
when I was informed that there wasn't a girl in Hanson!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 3:56, 4 replies)

Well...
MatJ's guide to not being caught watching internet porn:

I have never been caught in a compromising position (wanking, looking at porn, anything) by anyone. That's not to say I don't do any of these things, just that I'm not enough of an idiot to let myself be caught.

For Christ's sake, how hard can it be! Follow these simple tips for a worry-free existence.


Don't watch porn with headphones on. Ever. Unless you have a lock on your door. It's just not worth the risk.

Wait until people leave the house. Be certain they have left by shouting "Fire". If no-one comes, you are safe.

Get into a position where you can overlook the entrance to your house. Make sure that you can see down the drive in time to get ready.

Make sure you have an admin account. Then you can delete the history.

Delete the history. Delete the saved files. Delete the cookies. Leave the saved passwords if you must. Firefox will do all this automatically if you take 3 minutes to set it up.

For the love of sweet baby Jesus, turn the autocomplete off. You really don't want a list of suggestions popping up all the time.

Although people think the "clear history" button is foolproof, it's not. Clear it manually. In windows the file path is something like

Hard drive:/users/userX/documents and settings/local settings/temp

Local settings may be a hidden folder, but that's not hard to get around. You wouldn't believe the amount of stuff that ends up there when you think it's gone.

Invest in a decent antivirus program.

You know how media player displays a list of previously played files in the file menu? You didn't? Well you do now. Turn it the fuck off. Tools, options, privacy, uncheck the box under "history". You know it makes sense.

Media player again. You know that it automatically monitors certain folders for new media, and adds them to the library without asking? You do now. Tools, options, library, choose which folders you want monitored. Don't monitor the porn folders.

You know when it says "add to library by searching computer"? Be careful what you press, or it WILL find the porn anyway.

Last, make sure it hasn't been perversely added anyway. Check your videos list. Then check it again, just in case.

Make sure you retain enough clothes close to hand so as to look innocuous, should you be surprised with only a few seconds to react. keep your dressing gown on. You'll get a reputation for being lazy, not for being a dirty bastard.

Be very, very wary of multiple tabs. Set the browser to close however many there are without prompting you. That extra second can make all the difference.

Don't think you'll get away with minimising stuff. It's not worth the risk.

Opening multiple versions of explorer/firefox WILL cause the bar to show only "8 firefox", but that's almost as bad as just minimising it. "What is he hiding"? "Could it Octogenarian scat porn"? (To borrow a phrase). Probably better if they just saw the porn in the first place.

Limewire: Be afraid. Be very afraid. Those "File XXX has been successfully downloaded" dialogue boxes are a bitch, and I haven't yet found a good way of disabling them. Also, check your "incomplete files" folder often. It can hold nasty surprises.

Hiding the porn: Make the file name harmless. Something like "Accounts Jan08". Put it in a backup folder, not a working directory. Don't try to put it in the last place someone will look - often it's the first. Stick it somewhere in program files, maybe in with minesweeper. I don't know.




This has been a public service announcement from "Paranoid bastard" publications.


MatJ
( MatJ LOOK, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 3:14, 10 replies)

I started this as a reply but its turned into its own story
How not to introduce yourself to people 101

… So much cringe worthy stuff here.

It was the third day of being in Uni halls and I went down to the common room (It’s a big place with one giant common room for about 100 of us) to try and meet some more people as you do when first starting. While there, I run into a couple of people I already know from the previous few days drinking, I sit down and start talking.

They mention having a couple of drinks and playing cards to get some strangers involved. I agree, run up and get a new bottle of vodka. We play a few games, meet a couple of new people and have a couple of drinks... When they say that they're off to bed as they have something to do in the morning, therefore can’t get drunk.

“Pah” thinks I, its still early days and I’m just starting to feel tipsy, so continue to drink my vodka with relative strangers.

** Wavy lines into the distance**

My next memory is waking up on the floor of a toilet with someone bagging on the door yelling at me "Wake up your drunk bastard" then saying "Who the hell are you?" when I emerge – I was on the wrong floor entirely.

Next memory is as dawn breaks and I blearily open my eyes to find myself face down in the corridor of a different, but still wrong, floor from where my room is, as a relatively good looking girl is stepping over my mangled corpse and tutting. Still apocalyptically drunk and, from my point of view, operating from a state of pure charm, I look up at her from the floor and cheerily come out with the eternally smooth “Hi, I’m /Spleen/, I’ve not seen you around yet, who are you?” not at all as if I had just woken from some form of alcoholic coma, probobly looking like a psycopath and smelling of piss.

“We were talking for around 2 hours last night” she replied shortly and walked off. At which point I staggered to my feet and then immediately lost my balance, falling headfirst into someone’s bedroom door at 7am causing them to open it and ask what the hell I was playing at… “Sorry, I fell” I apologise making myself look like even more of a spacktard.

I find my room; sleep off the drunkness and hangover and somehow find the nerve to emerge again that evening. I’m walking down the corridor to the common room and people I have never met before are openly laughing at me. I try to carry on as normal and later on in the evening introduce myself to someone new and the first thing she says to me is “Oh yeah, I saw you last night… you’re the one who was walking around looking for your bottles of vodka and asking everyone if they had seen them when they were sticking out of your pockets weren’t you”

Cock-Badgers!

Turns out nearly everone in the building knew of me by now, but I did not know any of them…

Worst of all, it was a Tuesday night as well…..
(The_Mighty_Spleen, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 3:05, Reply)

I recently caught myself posting a blog-like essay containing lots of personal information in lieu of an interesting answer.
Fuck me, that really was embarrassing!
(WANKERTRON you say "prick", I say "wanker", Mon 1 Dec 2008, 2:16, 6 replies)

I...
...got my head stuck in the doors of our school bus.

I had extra stuff, the old guy in the driving seat didn't see me lagging and closed the doors as I was getting out... I tried to jump out and got stuck. Oh how I laughed as everyone asked "hey did you get your head stuck in the bis doors?" for the next 3 fucking years!!!

And the bastard nearly drove off too!

Yeah, school was fun! I was short, fat, wore glasses and had a lisp... I think someone was bored when they made me!
(suicidalducky has too much time on his hands, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 1:38, 2 replies)

Holacaust jokes = LOL!
11 years old in the back of my best friend's mom's Oldsmobile. His Mother and Grandmother in the front. My friend, his sister, his sister's boyfriend and I in the back. I had just discovered Blanche Knots's truly tasteless jokes and studied them feverishly. I was reciting them verbatim quietly in the back to my friend when I told an especially funny one that he wanted me to repeat to everyone in the car.

"Er, I'd rather not."

"No tell it."

"Well... How do you fit 200 Jews in a Volkswagen? Two in the front, two in the back and 196 in the ashtray."

Did I mention my friends grandmother was a holocaust survivor? I cringed just writing that story.
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 1:00, 2 replies)

Post-it notes.
The memory of this is still horribly fresh, but here is the whole messy story anyway.

Being at university for the first time in my life, I began to forget all the careful lessons i'd learned over the previous two years about drinking.

So it comes to pass that there is a fancy dress party, with a theme that I now forget. The upshot of this is that I am wondering around, dressed in finest primark, as an emo kid. To really complete the look, I have borrowed someone's lipstick and made a few suspicious looking marks on my arm.

So there I am, still in halls, and I walk into the room next door. At which point I am immediately told off for the 'self harm jokes' by a half tearful girl who I didn't know, whilst a roomful of people look disapprovingly on. Great start.

This leads to me going back to my room, and cleaning off the lipstick. Figuring that alcohol is a wonderful thing, I grab the bottle of cheap vodka from my shelf as I leave, reasoning that this will better help me face the roomful of people who seem to think that I have just deliberately emotionally destroyed an unstable stranger.

At this point, things become a little hazy, and I am reliably informed that I never made it to the party. There exists a solitary photograph of an unlikely looking emo clutching a by then half empty bottle of vodka.

Wavy lines. Horrible swirly evil wavy lines.

I wake up, miraculously enough on my bed. I am cold. I am covered with a blanket. I look on the floor, and see my duvet cover. It takes a few minutes to realise that some bastard has puked on it. Come to think of it, my bed is feeling a little damp too.

Disgusted, with throbbing head and filled with righteous anger, I arose from my bed and went down to the laundry room to wash my filthy sheets. When I get back, I notice that my door wasn't locked, and take a closer look at it.

There is a single green post it note affixed to the inside of the door:

"I cleaned vomit off your eyebrows. You owe me. D"

That remains the most cringeworthy piece of paper I have ever seen. And I still have no idea how it got on my eyebrows.

*delurks to post. Yay, first post! Relurks*
(Foxinsockssir, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 0:31, Reply)

An unexpected shag
A mate of mine was renting his house out to a couple while he worked abroad.

He asked me to pick up his post every now and then and forward it on to him.

His tennents didn't seem to mind and we became friends.

One Friday night I popped over to pick his post up (I'd been single for a while so not much planned) and the couple invited me over for beer and curry, with a mate of theirs who was soon to arrive.

She was good fun but not really my type, and we all ended up spending the evening drinking a serious amounts of shots - which I rarely touch.

It got to around 1:30am - I felt utterly hammered so made my excuses to wander home but they all INSISTED they walk me home. I knew I was pretty pissed, but I really wasn't THAT bad. But fine by me.

It was only 5 minute walk back to my place and we chatted all the way, mainly me and the girl.

Anyway, we get 100 yards from my front door and I realise that the couple were halfway up the road and it was just me and their friend - I'd been totally setup.

Got to the front door and just said "Err ... well, I'm off to bed now - you can join me if you like!"

"OK" - And she did.

Fair enough thinks me.

Pretty quickly we're upstairs in bed, groping around etc and suddenly I feel VERY sick.

I turn to her and say "Erm ... I'm really sorry but I think I'm going to be sick" and hop off to the loo.

Amazingly, when I get back, she's still game, so we carry on where we'd left off.

5 mnutes later:

"Erm ... I'm really, sorry, but I think I'm going to be sick again ..." - and off I trot.

When I get back, all I really want to do is pass out so I give up my efforts (though I did wake up a few hours later and slip her one)

Next morning I was still totally pissed, walked her back to her mates house and ingnore the messages on the phone asking to meet up again ... Eeek!
(fatboybubba, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 23:44, Reply)

social suicide
in secondary school i wasn't a popular child due to being a bit shy and awkward so in an attempt to make friends i joined the chess club. how i thought i'd be popular by playing chess i still can't work out.
but i did become my school's chess champion so every cringe has a silver lining
(coolaskimdeal, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 23:38, Reply)

MY COCK IS WELL BIG
I was an early slave to shame. I were aged about 6, and while changing for PE, my gently swollen noggin got trapped as I attempted to remove my shirt. I just sat there like an absolute plum, with it hanging over my head and me crying. A friend came to assist - unbuttoning was the key. I aquired the occassional moniker 'pumpkin head'.

Doing a Christmas play at about the same age, WHY DIDNT YOU JUST FOLLOW THE DAMN INSTRUCTIONS MAN *beats head in a well mad sort of manner* I had copped the coveted Santa Claus role. All I had to do was a figure of 8 round the crowd at the end, but look I got confused, it wasn't easy. Dads taking pictures, the flashes, the lights. I just sort of stood there as my psuedo-reindeer friends trotted off without me. In the effort to regain my herd, it would be the too baggy Santa pants that would be my downfall. The upshot is I stumble and fall, and my trousers fall down. I'm still in faint denial over this one.

Once, a bit older, I and some pals were larking about with some even older year 5 girls, chasing one of those super bouncy mini rubber balls about. The circle around the ball became quite confined, and basically I got a bit excited; the moment got the better of me. I punched a girl in the fanny. I don't know why! I just got a little giddy. Obviously she was somewhat reproachful of my conduct, and the group dispersed under a thick cloud of uneasy tension. I no longer adopt this approach to getting to know women.

There's one that'll never go. I had a good friend who passed away when we were both teenagers. He was in hospital, and I went to go visit him. We didn't really speak much, but I knew he had some weed at his house. Before I left, I asked if I could blag it, as I had run dry. From my friend. As he lay in hospital. I had to tell his mum I was borrowing CDs, then nab it from his drawer. He died shortly after, I also owed him seventy pounds at the time. I don't know if embarrassing is right, but cringe...fuck, it makes me feel physically sick to think of it. Proper ashamed.

Lets not end on that one. Through family geographics, despite being a born and bred Southerner all my effete life, my father impressed upon me a fervent support of Sunderland football club. It is unfortunately more burden than blessed, but I enjoy going to matches, something I used to do a lot more of in younger years. I liked the singing and shouting aspects, but would normally save my encouraging epiphets for times of elevated noise, to spare the patrons my plum like tones you see. If you're thinking this is gonna be one of those 'you're shouting something and everyone else goes quiet' moments, you're absolutely right - I forget the exact words, but it were something horrendous along the lines of "Come on guys, let's give them a bloody good seeing to" which just didn't sound quite right. The disgust of 5000 adjacent mackems seeped into my soul, as the gravy seeped from my pie.

One drunken evening I found myself naked but for my boxers, and a pair of my female friends pants that I had placed over the top. They were rather tight, and in my defence everything was a bit squashed. One of the lady friends comments (somewhat kindly) "those pants make your cock look small". I actually thought over my reply, did really think it were gonna be well funny and cool "Actually, it's my small cock that makes my cock look small!". The ladies present look slighty startled and ashamed. I cringe and shrink to ever more cashew nut like proportions. I am a grower not a shower.

I like this question, there will be some like me who feel they could write a new answer every day. But sometimes though, it's about perception, shame isn't dished out, it is accepted. A memory that has seared it's indellible shame upon the scorched earth of your mind, is a forgotten giggle to one of the 'witnesses'. Don't let your silliness ever stop you being silly see, for it is not worth it.
(bacontrout got ska, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 23:36, 3 replies)

Lesbians
Aged 15, staying at my then-girlfriend's house for the week. Her parents have been told that I am a 'friend' and accordingly have set up camp bed for me in her room.

Which we were decidedly not using when her mother walked in without knocking.

Cringe point 1 - being caught naked, legs akimbo, clearly enjoying myself at the hands (quite literally) of her supposedly straight daughter.

Cringe point 2 - spending the rest of the week with gf's mother refusing to make eye contact with me, speak to me or in fact even refer to me by my name. Instead, she took to describing me as 'Emma's lesbian friend.'

Thus: "Emma, would your lesbian friend like a cup of tea?"

Gf, unfortunately, couldn't have found it more hilarious. Wish I could say I had some clever retort to fire back, but no. 15-year-old me simply gave her evils when her back was turned.

*sigh*
(Samara Morgan is a small blue thing, like a marble or an eye, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 23:30, Reply)

Projekt Revolution
Back in June my brother, myself and a friend went to Milton Keynes for Projekt Revolution.

During one of the set ups for a band there was a man on stage in a yellow t-shirt. A friend of my mates phoned her to see whereabouts she was, and as we were directly in front of the stage she was trying to explain, so i tried to help by saying 'tell her we are in front of the yellow bloke'.

Just after i finished my sentence the man infront turns around and he just happens to be chinese, and he wasn't best pleased. Can safely say it made the rest of the gig quite uncomfortable.

Even more so when i hit him on the head with a bottle during the bottle fight.

not as funny now i look back...
(JonnySniper In accordance with the prophesy...., Sun 30 Nov 2008, 23:24, 1 reply)

this weeks qotw
me and the (now ex) mrs sick had been going out for a while and we wanted to try somthing new in bed so we tossed some ideas back and forth for a while(not like that)and i happend up on a fisting how to on the net we disscussed it and both agreed it might be fun.....so anyway there we are in her flat what we thought was alone now im upto about half my hand in when her flat mate bursts into the room enquireing about making tea and to her credit she didnt say anything she just sort of turned around and shut the door very quickly we understandably stopped (ruins the mood slightly)

secondly this was when i was but a little sick more of a sicky burp.... anyway we were having a little trip round one of those working farms that lets people have a look about for an hour or 2 everything was fine until we got to the cowsheds the bull was mounting a cow but not knowing this i asked the farmer why "one cow was trying to ride the other" my mum being rather easy to make cringe went red as postman pats van
(imgunnabesick rawr ^ \_/ ^, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 23:05, Reply)