Well, I'm a born again Christian
does that count?

I have a relationship with Jesus, speak in tongues, believe the Bible and worship Jesus and everything. I even hardly ever swear. And I recently grew a full on beardy beard (now gone).

But I used to be quite pushy about my faith, and spend lots of time trying to convert people and stuff. I even went to Bible College and started training to be a Pentecostal pastor...

I'm still down with the G.O.D (no, really - that's hhow some people put it) but I've learned not to be a patronising twonk now.

I still think everyone should follow Jesus, and that his sacrifice on the cross provided the only way for us to be forgiven and stuff, but I've learnt not to push Christian culture so much as just try and bring God's undemanding love where I can.

I think I lost a lot of the wierd pushiness when I discovered that all of the biblical references to Hell were actually just talking about death, rather than some eternal place of torment for everyone who doesn't believe in Jesus.

Anyway, sorry for the serious answer. Apologies for length etc.. (Even bible bashers can have long ones)
(teasus likes tea, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 21:08, Reply)

I used to live nextdoor to
a woman who looked a bit like Jack Osbourne. She was a mentalist, her husband looked like a paedo and her kids all had speech impediments and misshapen heads.

Early last year I discovered that she had been attending a "spiritualist" church in Camden with her mother. I was regaled with stories about them contacting their dead relatives through the 'leader' and how she - and the rest of her family - had been given new (spiritualist) names. Mental.
( Fictional Emma, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 20:50, Reply)

Yeah... some mad online thing called b3ta or something....
anyway... back in my school days one of my classmates invited me to a party.. ermm.. in his church hall?

none the wiser, i set off and arrived to find a "bretheren" meeting in full swing. I never ran faster than that night...

and an old mate from work a few years back, got mixed up with the mormons, with the result that his wife legged it with one of the members, leaving him on his own with 3 small kids.

thing is, she then dumped the one she left him for and went out with one of the more senior members, and nobody in the "church" batted an eyelid.. odd people.
( TBL I posted this on, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 20:23, Reply)

during year 7
i got indoctrinated into the cult of pokemon, with the games and cards claiming my soul. i manged to rebel against my oppressors and escape the control.

today some mates (most 17/18) started playing the gameboy game again. WILL WE EVER BE FREE???
(davethefoolishone, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 20:19, Reply)

The Guardian
said I was a cult.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 20:17, Reply)

Campus Navigators
I followed a skirt into the Campus Navigators, a quite ultra conservative Christian group. Not my best-thought-out plan.

Actually, they were kind of cool for the first couple meetings. Then they brought in their "guy who was really good with new people and really knew the Bible" who cornered me and proceeded to spout verses, with that weird, patronizing look of concern (thanks Fire & Forget! I was looking for a way to describe that!). "I just don't want to see you fall away from Christ," he whispered, resting his hand on my shoulder

Then you better look away quick!
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 20:11, Reply)

I once went to a very scary church one evening, by the request of some Christian friends.
When I got there I realised it was basically an evening where regular church memebers "bring a non-christian friend to be converted". The church in question, I wouldn't personally consider to be a "normal" chruch. It was a "happy-clappy-funtastic-modern" church. It was all very uncomfortable, they kept arguing that God existed and stuff, which I guess is what Christians should do... and they kept saying I'd go to Hell if I didn't convert to Christianity, and they were all going to Heaven so ner-ner-ner-ner-ner... and things like that.
( FreudianSlap, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 20:11, Reply)

Cults
I had a brief liason with a lovely girl called Claire, and one of the unspoken deals when interacting with g/f's relations is that you have to atleast pretend you like them, in the short term anyway,

Her wee brother was the teenage metal head who was annoying to say the least. Always trying to be my mate by showing off, with his cheap Gibson, that he was going to be the next Jimmy Page. He was into Slayer, Dokken, Metalica etc.

Imagine to my amusement when, after an number of years later, I return to Hometown to discover him all "loved up on Jesus" and swaying his tambourine in the High Street, with his accolytes round him at his feet, all singing.

Talk about fucking evangelical! He even converted his sister and her mates!

They went all dowdy and plain ["only Jezabels and painted whores of Babylon wear makeup"] and he had that fucking weird, patronising smile, which he must have thought would convert you by sheer force of presence.

He will be the next David Coresh.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 20:06, Reply)

I created
a cult of personality.
(icouldbeahero, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 20:05, Reply)

well...
Myspace... The place has got me locked in...

Someone save me... Please?
(blackfacedfightinggibbon, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 19:50, Reply)

Chupacabra
few years back i attempted to start a cult of my own called the chupacabra cult, ended up getting about 40 people to join who were all given weekly instructions, stuff like say biscuits to a nun and send random abuse to whichever houemate diddnt to the washing up that week, drink nothing but cherry brandy at the pub for a week etc.. lots of fun but i got less and less origional until everything focused on beeing surreal to nuns, i still say biscuits whenever i see one :)
( chuff monkey I AM him, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 19:45, Reply)

Join me
yeah i'm in join me, its def not a cult its a collective...this 'good' friday i'm taking chelsea buns into work for everyone!
(monstermunchqueen a queen for the people, by the people, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 19:42, Reply)

I quite often get called a cult by people...
But the funny thing is, they keep misspelling it!
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 19:37, Reply)

I'm in Join Me
But that was ages ago, and anyway, it's a collective, rather than a cult.
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 19:35, Reply)

I am a cult horse

(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 19:35, Reply)

well...
a friend of mine once almost joined Opus Dei, the roman catholic sect that's often called a cult by people.

they were well tasteful apparently....along the lines of "your dad's just died? maybe you'd like to come to one of our meetings...".

didn't get taken in though. quite impressive for a manics fan. etc.
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 19:31, Reply)

Crazy Christians
I went along with a school friend to Hillsong church once. It's an Australian thing but they use the Dominion Theatre in London on Sundays. As a pretty strong atheist I went along with the intent to observe brain-washing in action but had a mixture of curiosity and fear... would they let me leave?!

Sitting in the second or third row in a packed theatre and suddenly everyone gets up and starts 'praying' like this: jumping up and down with their arms outstretched while 'Christian rock' blasts out from the three giant video screens, speakers, and yes - live performances. It's like being at a pop concert except you're being sold Jesus rather than Busted.

As I sat there for the sermon I started to worry that the charismatic guy on stage might actually mush out my brain so much that I'd start believing it. My trick - picture an empty room with water gushing from a hole in the ceiling through to a hole in the floor. The water was his speech going quickly through the room (my mind) and out again. I'm aware that sounds a little mad, but it was better than being drawn into the cult that is Hillsong church.
(Red Dalek, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 19:24, Reply)

I joined a cult
it cost me lots of money and is full of wankers - The Oxford Union
( WormuIus, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 19:16, Reply)

I was in a cult for 5 years
I am a recovering management consultant.

The way the cult tempted you into joining during the interview process was:
Competitive salary = A nice pair of ‘golden handcuffs’ – a large salary that ensured that no matter how miserable you were, you would never leave. For some reason after happily managing on a student income for 4 years, I was massively in debt after 3 years of earning 10X that as a management consultant?????
Flexible hours = 12 – 14 hour days
Lots of travel = ‘Warm body’ staffing – i.e. if you had a pulse, and you were available, you would be sent to timbuk-effing-too to work on some crappy job you were barely qualified for.
Great social life = Actually this bit was pretty good. Loads of alcohol, especially at lunchtime and on the company tab.
Once every 3 months we would get together and were expected to appear wildly enthusiastic about whatever shit we were doing and give presentations on how lovely it all was. This was really scary as everyone had this glazed expression of complete obedience and maniacal obsession in their eyes.

My guiltiest moment was working on a ‘Welfare Reform’ program and having to drive my car through a picket line of angry poor and homeless activists while they spat and lobbed eggs, and wishing I could get out and shout “I agree with you, it’s a shit program! I only work on it because it pays me more in one month than you’ll get in a year.” Not desperate for a lynching, I stayed in my car and continued to implement welfare cuts for my own personal gain.

The irony was that we would go hungry ourselves at lunchtime rather than brave the picket line to leave the building.

Another guilty moment was when I had to manage the list of employees who were being cut from this giant company. It was an entire staff list of the company. There were thousands of them and not being too familiar with excel at the time, I would constantly make mistakes. I had a personal policy of “if in doubt, - throw them out”.

I will burn in hell.
Although I've been out of it for many years, I feel that I need to work for the Peace Corp or rescue HIV infected babies or something in order to stock up on some good karma.
(Peelmytangerines, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 19:13, Reply)

Well, we chanted crap like "McDonalds, McDonalds, Kentuky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut"
The scouts is probably the only "cult" like organisation I've ever been in.

That was such a waste of time though. The scout leader (who was a bent copper who we found out was also a full-time thief) had us nearly every week playing "Bulldog" AKA "beat up the little kids" for an hour. I'll never forget almost removing a kid of his ability to sire children despite being one of those 'little kids'.

Ahh... revenge.
(AdamJ Just another pom, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 19:00, Reply)

What a question...
Yes I've been part of a cult. I may as well tell you the story from the top.

Cast your minds back to a time when you were 18, just out of A levels (or just finishing them), and looking forward to dealing with life. Like many of my peers, I got it into my head that I wanted to go abroad and do development work. I found an organisation via a newspaper advert, signed up at the recruitment weekend in Hull, and then straight after my last exam I jetted off to Denmark to train to do what I wanted to do for six months. The basic idea was that I would train in Denmark, then head out to Africa to do stuff like building toilets, educating people about AIDS, general well meaning stuff. You get the idea.

Well, the first mistake happened when I arrived- that is, because they forgot I was arriving. I was sat in the bloody airport for three hours before thinking "screw it" and got a taxi to where I was staying, making sure I charged it to the company.

Anyways, about a month in, we were all put to work to clean up the school where we went to train. Myself and a friend were working on the library, and I happened on a book with a very interesting title- The History of North Korea. I read it, and had a laugh at was essentially some very weak propaganda from our friends in Asia. And then I threw it out, thinking nothing of it.

Another interesting occurrence was when the school decided to have a sing-along session. Fine and dandy, but we decided not to go because we had plans of our own, mainly involving lounging around and doing nothing. One of the teachers basically busted in, and ordered us out. She seemed most put out when I stayed where I was... I don't think she was equipped to deal with a narky English teenager who wasn't in a mood to put up with bullshit.

The final straw came when I found a website called tvindalert (have a look around, I think it's still out there) and noticed several odd things about this supposed "charity" I had signed up with. First of all, there had recently been a police raid at their headquarters. Secondly, there were allegations of money laundering, tax evasion, false accounting, brainwashing, and best of all... gun running. Not forgetting wage slavery and shoddy treatment of its' workers. So, not liking what I was reading, I emailed the link to my Dad who was a journalist at the time. He emailed back saying "it's real... get out of there!". Oh crap.

Anyways, I started to email the creator of the website in order to formulate an escape plan. The only problem was, what was meant to be a private email was posted on the website, which was monitored by the lovely people I was working with. Here's where the story gets interesting: we were just about to go on an outward bound weekend, when I was pulled off the bus, regarding the email that had been sent. I was put in an office, on my own, with a large pissed off Danish man, oddly enough called Rene. He couldn't understand why I was afraid of him- could have been something to do with the lock knife which I had on my person should he try anything.

So, after an hour or so of him trying to intimidate me, and me making a fool out of him, he tells me to leave the office. Here's the fun part. I get in contact with my Mum over msn- and she actually phoned up this guy and threatened him with coming over there herself with a presspack and making life *very* difficult if he didn't pay for a flight home and put me on the plane. Suffice it to say I got the plane on the tacit understanding I wouldn't contact the media. Which I did the very next day.

As a postscript to this, the leader of this cult is now on trial, the place where I was staying has closed, and the whole organisation seems thoroughly tits up.

And that's the story of how I managed to screw over a Danish cult.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 26 Jan 2006, 18:53, Reply)

i once nearly joined a cult
I mean they sold it to me pretty well, and the final promise of 87 virgins in heaven got me rite going. All they wanted me to do was wear this rucksack and jump on a train to Kings Cross.

Then my mate called me and told me my breakfast pint was going flat. Well I'm not being funny, King's Cross is nowhere near Plaistow, not even the same line.

I politely declined their offer. I will always remember the 7th of July for that crazy meeting with that bloke with the big beard....
(ruffdiamond, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 18:40, Reply)

should've gone to specsavers
My mate "Mike The Midget" once disappeared into a cunt...
(barrythief, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 18:30, Reply)

Mormonic
I was in Perth Australia about 3 years ago and I got talking to some Mormans...Mormen?...whatever on the street. They're always nice enough people and I'm the type to talk to strangers. I mean, what harm could Mormen do? They told me about where they were from and all that stuff and I even got my picture taken with them.

So I come back home to sunny Southend-on-Sea, the jewel of Essex. About a month or two goes by and I'm standing in the high street of my town with a few mates. Sudden;y, one of my friends looks over my shoulder in a rather puzzled manner.

"Who are they?" he says, and I look over my shoulder as well. I recognise their little badges and I say,

"Oh, they're just some M...orm..."

As I spoke, my blood ran cold. It was the same set of mormans. The exact same people as I had met in Perth Australia on the other side of the planet. They must've redflagged me. Out to get me!

I ran. Very fast. Away.
(dirty gypsy, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 18:28, Reply)

Erm...
...does the Cub Scouts count? It's the only time I've ever done anything that resembles chanting. I mean, 'Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie whatsit...' - you don't have to think about it for long, do you?

Baden Powell could well have been the David Koresh of his day, except for his open and slightly suspect preference for the company of young boys. And Bishops.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 18:14, Reply)

ooh
near the beginning


no cul;ts, just grammar school
(ameoba photographer for hire, cheap, see profile, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 18:11, Reply)

I've been involved in the cult for about 20 years...
...mind you, I am Ian Astbury.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 18:03, Reply)

Hopeful Christian
A friend of mine (well about seven of them) the Cooper brothers were brought up in a cult in New Zealand which they ran away from and eventually testified against their father Neil Cooper (Hopeful Christian) for child sex abuse!
(essbeenz there done that, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 18:00, Reply)

I started a bit of Dice-living
nothing serious though

sorry I'm boring
( GrandmaOfShoes, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 18:00, Reply)

I joined the cult...
of b3ta.

Tastes kinda cheddary.
(mehmeh 0% witty, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 17:52, Reply)