Airfield mishaps
Every now and again my friends and I have a private airsoft (paintballing without the paint and cooler looking guns for the uninitiated) in an airfield not too far from where I live. Because it's basically several giant open fields we always play the game over night (and invariably when it decides to piss it down with rain). The dark doesn't scare me, but the dark filled with the possibility of getting shot is quite tense.

The dark has a lovely habit of hiding things such as yourself, other players and natural hazards. My friend and I are going for the enemy base and manage to sneak up undetected. All well and good until I heard my mate say "Spack, over here..." *SPLASH*. Yup, he fell in a small river which blew our sneaky attempt, not only because of the sound of a man falling into a knee high river but because I was now pissing my self with laughter. We got shot out quickly after.

Another incident was on one of the coldest nights I've ever been out in. A mate and I are sitting happily chatting about stuff by our fire and guarding the base when we're ambushed, luckily my mate attracted every single shot that came in leaving me to run away with a chair stuck to my arse where my gears caught up in it. The enemy quickly try to take off with their objectives (a couple of barrels) but Mr "I've got a chair stuck to my arse" takes them out from behind, no chair is going to stop me from defending this place!

We've got another one coming up soon. I wonder what other fun and frolics will come of this one!

Length? 10 meters to cover with a chair stuck around my hips.
(Dr.Spack Dr. Lepper! What's the worst that can happen?, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 23:16, 2 replies)

my Clockwork Orange moment
There's a medical test called Electroretinography, which I had about 8 years ago, when I had a weird eye problem. It has to take place in almost total darkness, and with your eyes at their most sensitive. So, to start with, I had to sit in a blacked-out room with the radio on for half an hour, in the opthalmology department in a major eye hospital.

In total darkness, weird things happen to my eyes, which are a bit more sensitive than average. At first, they over-react; I see spots, and moving patterns. If I focus on them, there's a kind of feedback loop, and I can enter a hypnotic state or fall asleep. (This sometimes comes in handy when I can't sleep at night.) They get more sensitive, obviously: a tiny crack under the door becomes brighter and brighter.

After the half-hour was up, the researcher (a pretty girl named Hillary) came to get me. However, the whole lab was blacked-out with only the dimmest of light, so so she couldn't see where she was going and kept bumping in to things. I could see perfectly, with my acclimatised eyes, so I had to take her by the arm and lead her to the desk. So far, so sweet; then the torture started.

Remember that scene in A Clockwork Orange, where Alex is undergoing "aversion therapy"? His eyes held open with clamps, so that someone needs to apply artificial tears to his eyes? Well, that was nothing, since his eyes weren't sensitised by half an hour of darkness. I had electrodes attached to my head too, hooked to a computer. Hillary - the bitch - then set off a flash gun dozens of times, directly in to my eyes.

Did it hurt? Yes, it fucking hurt, despite what it says on t'Internets. Alex, the filthy Droog, only got to experience emotional torture, while I had the real thing, real physical pain in my real eyes. Just to add insult to injury, after even more tests, the last-ditch diagnosis was ... dry eyes. I now have a better idea of what the problem was - nothing to do with my retinas - but no thanks to Hillary, the specialists ... or Alex, thou no-yarbles eunuch jelly.
( bnt what, me worry?, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 22:46, 1 reply)

classic
Have you ever woken up in the night when you have a temperature and felt your heart racing becuase you have frightened yourself nearly to death becuase there is a coat hanging on the back of your bedroom door but in your fuddled state you believe it be a terrible horror coming into your room!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(sarahwasp frequently cynical, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 22:45, 5 replies)

the mop incident
so recently i was at a house party and after a few drinks everyone began playing the mop game outside in the garden.

the basic rules are you stand at the top of the garden, hold the mop and run around it 10 times then let go.
you then see how far down the garden you can stagger before falling flat on your face.
the winner being the person who can make it to the house before they fall over.

anyway it got to around 2 am and everyone went into the house to sleep (or so we thought)
myself and the other half were sleeping in the conservatory on a
couch that faced the glass doors that lead outside.
the curtains for the doors were open but you couldn't see a thing outside because of the dark.

it gets to around an hour later, we're having the usual drunken rambling conversations and staring into
the darkness outside when
BANG!
a face hits the glass its features all squished and distorted.
i then ran screaming into the living room swearing at the top of my lungs.

apparently, one of the lads had gone outside for a cig and decided to try his luck at the mop game again.
he didn't count on making it all the way to the conservatory doors before he fell.

needless to say we just closed the curtains and left him sleeping outside with his face pressed against the glass.
(stitched, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 22:26, 2 replies)

temporary toilet
are i and my siblings the only kids to get utterly freaked out by a film, need to go for a wee and refuse to go upstairs to the loo, choosing to pee in the mop bucket in the kitchen instead?
somehow, i doubt it.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 21:50, 6 replies)

Sparkie in the big city.
Once, when I was a young Sparkie, I bought a house (with a mortgage) and set up home with my fiance on a traditional English red-brick Victorian terrace, in my home city.

I used to love the walk home in the summer, across the old railway sidings and down the side of the canal. However, as summer turned into autumn, it got dark earlier. It did this every year, I just forgot, being loved up and all. I hadn't brought any money with me that day, so I couldn't get a bus, even though I'd have liked to, as it was really beginning to get dark.

I turned off the main road, onto the disused sidings, and along the bushes, ignoring the rustling leaves, leaves rustled in the wind.

Ignoring the moving shadows in the bushes, shadows moved in the wind, so it was nothing.

Besides, as my Dad always used to tell an alien-fixated little Sparkie, "There's nothing here in the dark that wasn't here in the daylight, Sparkie" I muttered those same words to myself as I scurried forwards, hands in my pockets, ignoring the rustling, moving shadow behind the bushes, ignoring the grunting noise, and the young man with the huge naked erection that he was rubbing and grappling frantically with..
Only I couldn't ignore it, or the young man on the other end of it, as they both emerged from the bushes and stood on the path in front of me, blocking my way down the pavement.

He politely asked me (even said "Please!") to raise my skirt a little bit. But I couldn't reply, couldn't breathe or move, couldn't have been more disabled if he'd hit me over the head with his appendage, rather than (seemingly) attempt to strangle it, whilst whispering obscenities to me.

Finally my legs answered my brain's frantic communiques, turned my body around and propelled me back along the street, towards a car dealership, where I explained what had happened to me. The lovely staff called the police, and insisted on plying me with cups of sweet tea, and biscuits until the police came.

The young WPC taking my statement, after my only part-describing the young man, put her pen down and looked at me, took a deep breath and remarked "This is going to sound like a really strange question, but was the penis erm... exessively large?"

"To be honest officer, I haven't seen that many, but yes, huge, why?"

"Well, it sounds from your description like the same boy, and we've had about 120 reports of incidents like this over the past few months"

"Oh.." (Well, there's not a lot you can say to that..)

PS. six months later, a young man appeared in court charged with indecent exposure on six specimen charges, he asked for 500 other offences to be"Taken into consideration when sentencing" . And he was 17.
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 18:42, 3 replies)

The Dark & the Exorcist
Another darkness story.

Went to see the Exorcist at a Local flick house in west london, arrived their on my Motor Bike and after seeing the film drove home convinced that My crash hat was possessed !!!!!

Never watch a scary movie since !!!
(ebagumsidog, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 18:40, 1 reply)

The Dark and Poaching !!!!!!!
Many moons ago whilst in the scouts we went down to Exmoor on a camping trip, It was agreed that as we had all taken our fishing gear with us we would go and try out Poaching for sea trout and Salmon at night.

Not far from our camp site was a river, that over the mists of time I have forgotten the name of, that was a Private fishing river.

We set out late at night to go on for our illicit fishing trip, not realising quite how dark it could get on Exmoor.

After about 1/2 an hour of absolute boredom all of a sudden this massive bright light was switched on illuminating night like day !!!!!!

I droppped the rod in the water and legged it, after cowering under a bridge for a while I suddenly realised that the "Searchlight" was actually a full MOON...........Dohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Never did get my rod back but lost my fear of the night/dark after that!!

I was probably 12-13 years old at the time.
(ebagumsidog, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 18:19, Reply)

Black Sail Youth Hostel
Some of you may know it. Possibly the most isolated place you can pay to stay in England. 2000 feet up in the middle of Black Sail pass in the Lake district, 5 miles from the nearest tarmac road. You used to have to write to them to book (no phone obviously), no electricity, yada yada, only has space for 16 people.

I stayed there in the middle of some epic 400 mile mountain biking trek when I was about 18 or 19. Middle of August but the cloud was at about 1000 feet, absolute pitch dark, you can't see more than a foot in front of your face. A few beers meant a piss in the middle of the night, and the toilet is outside, some 25 yards away. Not a problem, but that level of silence, isolation and dark is a bit disconcerting.

As I'm just about to climb down from my bunk, I hear a hushed whisper from the next bunk across, my mate Rob

"fuck me ... is that the stealthy footfall of a crazed axe-murderer I just heard?"

Cunt.

I'd have pissed in his bag, but there were other people in the room.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 17:21, 2 replies)

I have never been afraid of the dark.
I've always been a night person, me. I am at home in the dark and despite my weird little sleep paralysis thing, I never felt even the slightest bit afraid when the lights go out.

Not until about three years ago.

It was a weird period of my life and the details are boring, but I started to get freaked out in the dark. I found I couldn't sleep without a light or the TV on, and sometimes would remain awake until the sun started to rise. I put it down to just being another symptom of the really rather odd time I was going through..... divorce, stress, depression, bleh. But recently, I think I've discovered another explanation.

Something weird is going on. About a year and a half ago I noticed I had tinnitus. I've always had very mild tinnitus, but it seemed to be getting worse, so I went to the doctor. He sent me to the ENT dept. of the local hospital where it was decided I had perfect hearing and there was nothing wrong with me. There's nothing you can do to relieve tinnitus, so I just decided to live with it. But, on returning to the doctor after the ENT check, he gave me a thorough examination and while he could find nothing wrong with my old lug-holes, he seemed very interested in my eyes. Scarily interested. So interested in fact that he called another doctor in to look at them. I sat there for about ten minutes while these two doctors shone a bright light in my eyes and went "Hmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

After what seemed like an eternity of becoming ever more worried, the doc told me that my eyes were "strange". My "discs" were odd shaped and slightly reddened, he said, but he couldn't work out why and decided it was probably just the way my eyes are. It was after this that I started to notice weird little things with my vision.... I got floaters in my right eye and strange flashy lights around my perhiperal vision and as soon as it gets dark, it's like a bloody laser show. I do not know how I had never noticed this before, but it was freaking me out severely. I'm sort of used to it now, but the other night a friend and me were walking home along a dark road and I had to hold my hand out in front of me the whole way because to me, it looked as though there was some sort of chain-link fence about a foot in front of my face.

Now, with the silence and the darkness, night time isn't the pleasant place it used to be. Horrible tinnitus and big flashing shapes in front of my eyes have ruined night time for me altogether. I've thought about going back to the docs but I don't want to look like a hypochondriac, so I'm going to go to an optician soon and get my eyes looked at that way.

It's exploding head syndrome. I know it is.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 16:40, 9 replies)

In my sleep...
I apparently often talk, move, shout...

My ex waited 6 weeks before telling me that the random scratches appearing on his face during the night were (mainly) caused by me.

Yesterday my (current) boyfriend informed me that the night before, I'd woken him up, writhing around and kicking the covers. He'd asked me if I was ok and what was going on, to which I replied:
"We're having a fight! And I'm winning!" before smacking him in the face.
(floella, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 16:39, 8 replies)

The strangest boreen in Ireland.
For those who are unfamiliar with the word, a boreen is a small country road. No paving or anything like that - more like a track. My family holidays more often than not consisted of trips to Clare where we would stay in a variety of damp holiday cottages situated along a boreen far from the nearest village.

One year the whole family went at the same time. Mum and Dad hired a cottage at one end of the lane and my aunts clubbed together to stay in another about half a mile further up the road, on the other side of the road. Halfway between the two, on our side of the road, was a ruined cottage with no roof, door or windows (you see these all over the place in Ireland) and that was it - no other houses or buildings for a couple of miles.

The boreen was kind of creepy even in daylight for no specific reason. Maybe it was the silence - it was the furthest out we had ever stayed. When we arrived the first night it was already pitch black and my uncle, who had picked up the keys earlier, was a bit jumpy after walking down on his own to let us in. He'd near shat himself when he walked into the bedroom and found himself face-to-face with a large statue of St Theresa smiling at him in the gloom. Now this was a man who was born and brought up in the wilds of Wales so it wasn't a townie reaction the dark. He was genuinely freaked out for no real reason.

A few days after we arrived, Dad pointed out that there was smoke coming out of the chimmney of the ruined cottage. We went up later and poked about but couldn't see any sign of a fire, recent or otherwise. My family all thinks of themselves as a bit fey and so no one was unduly freaked by this - there was just a bit of finger wiggling and making of ghostly noises. It was sort of intriguing but not really scarey. That said, Dad did tend to drive up and down to the other house, but that could have been laziness, so none of us, apart from my uncle, walked the road in darkness.

On one of the last nights of the holiday Mum, my sister and I spent the evening at the Aunts' house and were waiting for Dad to come and collect us. My uncle turned up in a friend's car, more than a bit worse for wear, and said that he and Dad had a few drinks in town and so Dad couldn't drive up. It late and so the only choice was for the three of us to walk down on our own in the dark.

As a cowardly teenager I did the only sensible thing and clung on to my Mum's arm for dear life as we walked along. My sister decided this was the best bet too so the three of started off down the road, all trying to talk naturally (none of us wanted to let on we were scared) but all walking far faster than normal. As we got nearer the ruined cottage the conversation trailed off and I had that panicky conviction that "something was about to happen" so I did the only thing possible and shut my eyes knowing that the other two wouldn't be able to tell in the dark. It turns out that on the other side of Mum, my sister came to the same conclusion and had decided that what ever it was, she didn't want to see it either. Thankfully, Mum was a bit braver than us or we would have ended up in a ditch.

All of a sudden Mum lurched into a run, dragging me and my sister along with her and didn't stop till we got home. Nothing was said as we ran, the adrenelin just kicked and we all legged it. Inside the door we could see that Mum was white as a sheet. According to what she said, the moon had come out behind us as we walked along and cast very clear shadows onto the road in front of us. The only problem was there were four not three.
(Innogen, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 13:27, 14 replies)

I hallucinate
In the dark, I hallucinate. If something comes to my mind, I can't convince myself it's not there.

Most often, I think there's something behind me, chasing me. Or, I imagine hands will grab me if I go near a place a hand could pop out unseen. Or I just think that I should be terrified, so I become terrified.

When I was a kid, I once wet myself on the way to the toilet at night just because it was dark.

:(
(mmmkay, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 5:26, Reply)

Footpath sex
I was walking in the dark and nearly tripped over a couple having sex on the footpath. This was in an area with no street lighting.

I was one of those awkward literally frozen moments.

As they were silent and weren't moving, I thought the indistinct crumpled shape was a mugging victim. So I froze thinking, "Holy shit..."

Meanwhile, they had frozen because their interlude had been interrupted by a guy in a black trench-coat silently standing over them and staring. Mr Freakazoid.

Eventually one of them moved and all the tension disappeared when I sighed, "Oh, I thought you were dead."
(xixax, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 3:39, 1 reply)

The dark
k o s gpong t wtohe thos thong. bit O cpi;dnt wprl pit hpw tp ty[e th edat.

This is a lie. I have a smug mac (yes, the laptop is smug) with a backlit keyboard. Also, the light is on. There are no excuses.

Ok, I've now tried several times and cannot mistype "the dark" with my eyes closed. The subject stays.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 2:40, 6 replies)

If you ever want to be scared witless in the dark..........
..visit here
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hardraw_Force
Even the most cynical unbeliever will find it hard to spend more than a few minutes alone there in the dark.
I have camped there many times, and in daylight a more tranquil place you will be hard pushed to find.
The deep pool is freezing but very welcome for a dip on a hot day.
Once dusk descends however, unless you have bowels of steel do not go near the waterfall.
I have camped alone a lot, and been to a few places that change their nature after dark, but this one is right up there.
I have seen, heard and felt things there that have turned my innards to icy water.
I have watched hairy arsed bikers flee back to the safety of the campsite behind the pub and sit shaking in fear.
Over the years everyone I know that has been there at night has had a tale of terror to relate.
Funnily enough once you are about 50 feet away from it, the 'presence' isnt there.
Once camping there with a bunch of people, the stories were told and a few decided it was bollocks and went to see for themselves.
We built up the fire and got the whisky ready, and sure enough back they came white and trembling.
Havnt been there for a few years now and wonder if its still the same.
If anyone wants to go check it out, do please let me know what happens ;)




edit
it would seem the pub itself also has a ghost

www.unexplained-mysteries.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=75811&pid=1306368&mode=threaded&start=
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 2:01, 10 replies)

When I was younger
It was impossible to wake me by sound once I'd gone to sleep. This meant that I'd often be late for school and everything else.

One night, I'd gone to sleep. I woke up sometime later, probably to toss and turn, and saw a figure in my window. Everything went black again. I woke up some time later, to find three people round my bed, looking concerned.

What had happened, is that my mother had forgotten her keys. She'd banged on the front door, the back door and threw stones at my window. She'd then knocked on next door's window to have their sons (my age) get up on a ladder to knock on my window.

At this point, I hadn't seen the twins in a while. In this time, they were looking more manly, so when I'd tossed and turned, I'd seen a man in my window.

And promptly fainted.


They actually got in by breaking the back door down, when the lad reported to my mum that he'd seen me wake up, sit up with an expressionless look on my face, and lay back down again as though nothing had happened. We both got a fright that night.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 1:47, Reply)

I suffer from night teri's.
When I'm lying in bed at night, I keep thinking about Teri Hatcher for some reason.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 1:00, 2 replies)

whenever anything like this happens to me
it turns out to be the owner using a film projector to scare everyone away, so they can look for the lost mine by themselves.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 0:50, 1 reply)

lurking in dark-or not
Years ago when i was in 6th form we stayed at a youth hostel in the middle of nowhere-no hot water-no mains electric-outside cludgie,at night when one of us needed to go pee we would wait till morning with bladders bursting cos we was to full of the fear to venture out.

Numpties we was
(shug, Sat 25 Jul 2009, 23:31, Reply)

As my Dad says -
I'm not afraid of ghosts but I hate being caught by the ghoulies.

Anyway, my folks still live in the house I grew up in. It's a really old farm house and is still the only place where I am afraid of the dark. I don't know what it is about it, it just gives me the fear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was about 6 I had a friend come to stay and she stayed in my room. She had a blow up mattress on the floor. Across an alcove in my room I had a set of shelves, this was at the foot of my bed and her mattress.
As children do we stayed up late talking until my mum came in a put the light out. We soon dropped off to sleep.

Suddenly I was woken by my mum coming into the room, she reached down to the floor and picked up a toy clown car I had.
Now this thing was proper scary, it was a clown car with a clown in it. when switched on it would roll across the floor playing a tune while the clowns head spun round. See, damn scary at the best of times.
It had started up of it's own accord and was rolling along the floor, it's god awful tune had woken my mum up.
She took the batteries out and put the thing back on the shelf.

Go forward about 15 year and I was on a train when I find myself sat opposite the friend, as we weren't at the same school we had lost touch over the years. during reminiscing we recalled the above event.
"the scariest thing' my friend said "was when it started up again even after your mum had taken the batteries out. I remember seeing rolling across the floor at me. I was so frightened that I couldn't cry out".
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 25 Jul 2009, 22:49, 1 reply)

Evil Furby
When I was at uni, I got myself a Furby. There was no real reasoning behind it, more like a crappy impulse buy to fritter away my money. I enjoyed playing with the Furby and it had a place on my bedside table. One night, I woke up to find it at the edge of the table with its eyes looking my my direction. This only slightly disturbed me and I moved to the far end of the table and faced it towards the wall. A few hours later, I suddenly woke up and noticed that the Furby was again at the nearest edge to my bed and was again looking at me. AAAAGHH SHIT BOLLOCKS! Totally freaked me out so I snatched it off the table and went to put it under the bed. It started to move and was mumbing in that fucking annoying Furbyese. This just added to my fear and I started to take out the batteries. Bad Move!

BIG BOY
BIG BOY
BIG BOY
BIGGGG BOOOOY

WTF?!!!!

The bloody thing was still talking with its batteries out. A powerful flick from my wrist threw it across my room and I retreated back to bed and probably cowered under the duvet.

Freaky.
( The_Commander_of_Skips wears his sunglasses at night, Sat 25 Jul 2009, 22:27, 4 replies)

Recurring childhood nightmares
I know this QOTW would end up going off on a bit of a dream spin. But just wanted to share two recurring nightmares I used to get a lot as a child.

One is that im going down my stairs in the dark. And there was something behind me. A scarey presence after me. I needed to get to the bottom of the stairs into the room to whack the light on to make it go away. Then I'd whack the light on and it wouldnt work, or it would be very dim. Certinately not bright enough to get whatever it is off from coming after me. I'd force myself awake then before it did.

Second one, is (and my brothers still laugh at me over this one) Is do you remember the little glow in the dark glowfriends you could get in the 80's? pic here farm4.static.flickr.com/3196/2812003380_d5302dc45f.jpg
Well i dreamt loads of times that id wake up in my room, and ther would be one on the top of my wardrobe looking down on me with a very evil cross face. It would be there glowing in a very dark room staring at me. I had that dream so many times in my very early years.

I have very few nightmares now. Most of my dreams arent even a visual story that can be told. Just a mix of feelings, situations, sounds, colours and emotions that just simply cannot be put into words.
(Miggyman, Sat 25 Jul 2009, 22:03, 1 reply)

Night Terrors
I get night terrors quite often - a semi-awake state in which I think a person, sometimes a bird, or sometimes creepy crawlies are in my room whilst I'm asleep. The delusion can last about 30 seconds before I realise that they're not real and go back to sleep.
I've had them for a while now and they don't really bother me, but to other people, it can come as a bit of a surprise when I suddenly announce at 2am that there's a snake trying to come through the door etc. Here are a few prime examples:

A few nights ago:
"Well I never. What a stupid bird"
There was no bird. What a stupid me.

To my twin sister in the bunk bed above:
"It's falling in on me! IT'S FALLING IN! I'm holding it up!" said whilst pushing up on the mattress above me
Sister: "The only thing *you're* holding up is my good night's sleep"

After revising too hard for my chemistry A-level:
"Argh! A benzene-derived hydrocarbon! IT'S ON THE CURTAINS!"

To the boy I happened to be sharing a bed with:
*DRAMATIC GASP* *sit bolt upright, stare at boy* *pause* *realise where I am* *go back to sleep*
Fortunately he was asleep too so no harm done.

In hospital, staring intently at my pillow:
"It didn't have a pattern before!"
( Peapod Has returned to the fold on, Sat 25 Jul 2009, 19:11, 10 replies)

Some habits you just can't get out of.
When you're using the toilet, and you always turn around your shoulder at regular intervals. Every few seconds or so, just to make sure that no skeletal beastie with icy cold hands is standing behind you. Every single bloody night I catch myself doing this.
(almightyjoey is most likely listening to Electric Wizard on, Sat 25 Jul 2009, 18:42, 2 replies)

when we were at uni
my friend elkie started going out with the mechanic who'd fixed her car. tim was a nice guy, and he was quite obscenely fit, but sadly the village was definitely missing its idiot when he came up to london to see elkie.

so after 3 or 4 dates, tim clearly felt the time was right to make his move. after dinner, he was walking elkie back to our student houseshare. desperately trying not to get packed back in his car off to essex, tim paused at the gate (actually, this being a rancid part of haringey, it was just an empty gatepost, the gate long since having been nicked) and pulled elkie to him for a long, slow kiss. then he ran his hands through her hair, and said, "you look really beautiful in the moonlight."

"oh thanks," said elkie cheerfully.

sensing 'goodnight' was imminent, tim tried again. leaning forwards, he whispered soulfully in her ear:

"but i bet you look soooo much better in the dark..."

oh dear. poor lonely unshagged tim!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 25 Jul 2009, 16:56, 3 replies)

not mine but a good en
A few years back (about 10 i think) My friend was "celebrating" his 21st year of existance... he was staggering home swigging from an open whisky bottle when a cop car spotted him and immediatly did a U-turn to nab him (as drinking on the streets in his home town was met with a rather nasty fine) he paniced and naturally thought..... "i know, ill jump that fence, run over the railway tracks and im away" he did so but once said fence was cleared the landing took an extra few seconds thanks to the grand total of a 16 foot drop to the ground, rather spooky and dark ground, upon landing he was most dismayed because his half drunk bottle was now broken.... Along with both of his ankles! This was the least of his worries as he landed upon a grave.... bearing HIS name.... OK the bloke had been dead a long time but it still shit him up enough to start screaming for the coppers to drag him away! Not only did he get charged with public intoxication but also an open spirit bottle in public, trespass and evading arrest! the £500 fine rapidly changed to over 1K and 30 hours of community service!
( tim1701 I have no board signature!!!!!, Sat 25 Jul 2009, 15:58, 2 replies)

Ha fucking Ha
I did a job at a remote country house a few years ago, supplying a generator, site lighting etc etc for a posh wedding (it was a National Trust or Heritage building or somesuch).
There were two of us on it, with nothing to do but sit around babysitting the genny in case some twat hit the emergency stop button, and after a while we were getting bored so decided to stroll the grounds in the dark.

Marvelling at the stars above, we wandered about a huge lawn, our night vision seemingly enough, no need for torches. Suddenly my colleague disappeared. He was there, then he wasn't. I swear we stopped to look at the night sky, I asked him a question and got no reply, looked over and he had completely disappeared.

Obviously I shat myself, a joke's one thing, but I know he hadn't run away, he wasn't crouching down trying to fool me, aliens had obviously got him. Instantly deciding he was history, and not wanting to be next, I prepared to leg it back to the marquee when I heard a whimper.

Finding my torch, it turned out that my mate hadn't been abducted, he had taken one step more than me when I stopped and gone straight over the edge of an 8' Ha-Ha, the existence of which we were blissfully unaware. Luckily (?), he only broke his ankle, not his fucking neck, and was so shocked he didn't even cry out as he fell.

Moral of that story? Humans' night vision is shit, no matter how well-adjusted you may think it is. That's why torches were invented.
Oh, and one day I'll have a garden with a Ha-Ha, it must have been fucking hilarious to watch.
(Rsoles, Sat 25 Jul 2009, 14:44, 6 replies)

spider-induced wank disaster
Lying in bed struggling to sleep, I had the usual sinister sexual thoughts and decided a burst of oxytocin will aid my slumber and began the usual rhythmic movements safe in he knowledge I had my 'wankrag' (bog roll)close to hand to clean up the inevitable mess.
After the gooey climax I reached out for the wankrag with my 'cum-claw' trying not to drip any rapidly cooling gloop onto my sheets, but alas It wasn't where i thought it would be ,so I flicked on the bedsight lamp, spotted it and reached out to pick it up.
As I lifted it, underneath was a fuck off enormous wolf spider, my involuntary movement, including an embarrassing girly yelp involved me doing another flick of the wrist! Only this time instead of aiding the emergence of the manpaste it served to flick it in a perfect arch right into my fucking eye!
So theres me stark bolluck naked hopping around my room with a cooling flaccid slimy cock and a burning hot-monacle trying to reduce the amount of stinging and trying to find the fucking massive bastard perv of an arachnid, never did find the hairy cunt, bet he is still laughing about it now!
(lankynyack, Sat 25 Jul 2009, 13:51, 10 replies)

Am I the only one that can do this?...
I have this wierd ability of being able to visualise things as though they are real.

It only usually happens when I'm really tired, but when I close my eyes, if I think of something, after a couple of seconds, I can 'see' what I'm thinking of, be it an inanimate object or even something as complex as a room, including the view out of the window. While this is happening, I am fully aware of what I'm doing.

The best way to describe the experience, is, if anyone has seen one of them 'magic eye' pictures - well, you know the moment when your vision 'snaps' to the image of the 3d object within the poster and you can see the picture 'move'? Well its kind of like that, except in greater detail and on a greater scale.

When I was younger, it used to startle me, but over the years I have grown used to it, I find it quite relaxing, and I can keep the resulting visions for what seems to be minutes at a time.

In some cases, I have even been able to 'walk round' said objects or scenery and look around.

Someone once asked me if we dreamed in colour or black and white, I myself was unsure of the answer, and some time later, whilst I was having another one of my strange visions, I remembered my friends question so the object I was 'looking' at, I imagined it was green, and in my vision, it was indeed green.

This also resulted in my sleepy visions becoming more colourful, this might also be because of my new found awareness of colour.

I can also sometimes change the outcome of my dreams too, usually when I'm under a lot of stress - although this happens very rarely, but when it does, I don't have many nightmares..
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Sat 25 Jul 2009, 11:55, 8 replies)