My boss's e-mails
(If I get caught, I'm likely to get sacked, so there will be very few details in this story.)

My psychotic breadstick of a line manager went off on loopy leave 6 months ago. As I was the only one who knew what work she'd been doing, I got temporarily promoted to her job. IT was instructed to set up an out-of-office for the breadstick, forwarding all e-mails on to me instead.

Well, she came back a month ago. And no-one seems to remember to tell IT to cancel the forwarding.

(Well, I'm the only IT-literate person here, the rest couldn't find porn on the internet)

So for the last 4 weeks every e-mail she's been sent has been duplicated to me. It's been very interesting hearing what's going on, who's slagging off who etc.

The only tricky bit is trying to remember in meetings what I know and what I shouldn't know.

F x
(please don't click "I like this", I don't want to get caught)
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 16:36, Reply)

Other People's old phones
Dropped my [cell]phone in Lemonade so borrowed a woman at work's ye olde Nokia one until mine got replaced. Bored on the bus home, flicking through the message folders. On the old Nokias you could save messages in any folder. As i browsed through the Templates ('i will be home at' etc. etc.), i found this. This happened last week and i've shown a lot of people.

'Just woke up and cant sleep and thought about slowly pulling down my knickers, kissing my nipples and then brushing your lips over my fanny, pushing my legs apart so you can lick and tease me until im begging you to fuck me. But im going to slide my hands down front of your jeans to feel how hard you a*some text missing*'

Wonder what the some text missing might've been.
(Cradlecap, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 16:14, Reply)

virgin shirt
I found out from my sister's diary that she had lost her virginity to Robert Barber in a cemetery, while wearing my prized denim shirt (this was the 80s). Her hymen-breaking hi-jinx caused the shirt to become bloodied, but she hand-washed it that night and replaced it in my wardrobe the next day.

I wasn't offended, however, because I'd slept in her yellow panties.
(frankspencer, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 15:40, Reply)

My brother's diary
My brother died quite suddenly and tragically (the story gets better, I promise) and in the run up to the funeral we (family) had a gander at some of his stuff to see what needed chucking/what anyone wanted to save. My sister found a diary he wrote when he was the grand age of about thirteen. She read through a few entries and shed a tear and told me how touching it was and how funny he was, even back then. What page do I open it on? I quote:

I'm going to have a wank, I'll try to get some spunk on the page

*crusty bit of page with a biro outline*

Cue me pissing myself laughing (and dropping the DNA laden diary). You should never find a sibling's secretions and certainly none that are more than a decade old.

Length? Girth? He never mentioned it.
(carpediem, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 15:34, Reply)

Dont know what to make of this..
Not snooping, only last week, actually, my mate, after a few drinks, proceded to show me some VERY revealing pics of his girlfriend that he has got stored on his phone.....

There was lots of them....

I noted that he deffo got to grips with the 'Zoom' function on his phone, and also that his bird regularly prunes her ladygarden.
Another thing, was he kept asking me what my opinion was...."Errr, very nice.."

What do you say to something like that?
(CaptainSpaulding is the leader of the lost cause., Tue 6 Feb 2007, 15:19, Reply)

My friends Girlfriend keeps a food diary
Which lists all the calories she eats, it perfectly sensible, that was until we vandalised it by writing

MEAT 700000 calories
DINNER 6009098 calories
etc

inside it :)
( WormuIus, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 14:33, Reply)

Bonjour everybody
Greetings from la belle France.

Longtemps lurkeur, premiere fois posteur.

I can remember one time finding my own journal many many years after writing. It was as if I was spying on someone else, I didn't remember some of the people written about, and what they did! It must have been someone else.

I had a similar experience, but more scary when I was cleaning out my old college notes one day and I found some papers of probability sums. Now, I could not remember doing these, though it was in my handwriting, and I could not understand any of it, and I had got about 80% for the work.

My brain dies a little every day, like a poor kitten tied in a bag in the river with a brick for company.

By the way, what does WTF stand for, is it "Why the Face" as in 'why the long face'?

E-mail
(E-mail Zola Son of Che, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 14:28, Reply)

I snuck into my own room and read my diary

I'm glad I did though, it turned out I'd been sneaking into my room and reading my diary!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 14:18, Reply)

food diaries
Many years ago I used to go to a slimming club and the Marjery Dawes lady used to make us fill in "food diaries" of what we had eaten that week (so she could haul us over the coals for that sneaky extra packet of hobnobs).

Anyhoo at the time there was a girl I used to work with who would regularly demolish a large chip butty* for lunch washed down with 2litres of tizer, then for pudding (and this was my favourite bit) would have a weightwatchers individual strawberry cheesecake with all the strawberries scraped off ("I don't eat fruit, do I" )and would constantly snuffle through her well-stocked desk drawers for chocolatey treats for the rest of the afternoon. She was huge and she honestly didn't care.

So instead of filling in my food diary properly, which was boring, I would imagine it was hers and fill it accordingly:

Monday: Breakfast, half a grapefruit. Lunch, teaspoonful of cottage cheese. Dinner, two tubes of pringles, four cans of lager, a whole roast chicken, 16 roast potatoes, three Sara Lee double chocolate gateaux and a tin of Cadbury's Roses**. Supper, kebab on the way home from the pub after 8 pints.

Marjery wasn't very bright so didn't realise it was made up, and used to say things like "happylittletulip's done ever so well this week, three pounds off and god knows how"

all very amusing.

*recipe for which was:
1. put standard slice of cheap white bread onto dinner plate.
2.heap greasy chipshop chips onto bread until plate is covered and chips are piled high enough to obscure person who is eating them.
3. put second slice of cheap white bread onto teetering mound of chips.
4. scoff in front of astounded and slightly revolted colleagues.
** sort of a bit like the Very Hungry Caterpillar only less endearing
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Don't piss me off!
I used to work somewhere and was given the job of finding an email in my supervisor's 'sent items'. I noticed an email in there with my name in the subject line and had a quick snoop.
Apparently, she had noticed that for the past few days I had been about 5 or 6 minutes late into work. I made sure I got in a good 15 minutes early the next day and took a piss on her seat
She had such a fat ass, she didn't notice.
(mysticegg, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 14:11, Reply)

Snooping can do good!
I was having massive issues with my bitch of a flat mate- lets call her Hovak- and took to writing down my more coherent points to be used in the next inevitable argument. I also kept a calendar marking when my boyfriend stayed over, making sure it was no more that 3 times in a week- also noting when her bf stayed, so as to have more ammunition when she next accused him of moving in. She also suggested he pay some of the water bill for taking the occasional shower and said that our other flatmate was afraid he was stealing from them. Luckily, said notes were never found…

Anyway, I went to her room one day to return a stereo of hers and found a letter in draft stage to myself detailing how said bf was simultaneously "strutting around like he owned the place" and "skulking about and hiding in (my) bedroom)", how I had lied to her on numerous occasions (about bf not having a place to live, which was not true again!), didn’t ever clean up ever (completely untrue, she was OCD and couldn’t leave a cushion on the couch in the wrong position and used to wash my glasses as soon as I put them down) etc etc usual bullshit. I don’t feel bad because hey, it was addressed to me! After reading this I became so incensed with her stupidity and her incredibly self involved, skewed version of the world that I wrote her a letter subtly addressing all her ridiculous points in a concise and veritably unanswerable form, to which she could not and did not reply. HA I WIN!

There are so many more tragic stories from this girl, so I suggest a new topic of “Horrible Housemates” or something of the like…

Apologies for length, and slightly off topic but she just gets me so mad!
(blacktangled, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 13:02, Reply)

Usual preference for the older, cleverer sister
I started a diary as a fairly dull teenager with nothing to report about how much i hated my sister and wether Mark Castielli was in school that day (sigh/flutter eylashes etc).

Any hoo, one evenig at dinner, my dad told me off for swearing too much in my diary. Then my sister told me off for writing that she had hit me on some day or other and that I had hit her first blah blah blah.

My entire family had not only read my diary- but felt that they should comment on its content.

Now up until this point I had only ventured into my sisters room to borrow clothes/wear her make up etc- but decided the time was right to read HER diary, especially as she had a boyfriend as this point.

Cue her really pissing me off one evening and standing in the kitchen with her mates looking all older-sister-smug about bullying me i recited a passage I remembered from her diary

" Robs (the bf) got a purple one- of all colours"

My sister went BRIGHT red, called me a bitch and came running after me.

No idea whaat she meant at the time (I am now presuming condom???) but my mum came running upstairs and got the MASSIVE hairy pube on with me about reading the sisters diary/privacy/not embarrasing her in front of her friends.

Not exactly interesting, or fair but there we go.

SW's.
(audreyforbes audreyforbes, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 12:51, Reply)

The current Mr Quar
works in IT and, as others in a similar position have thoughtfully shared here, does indeed find 'interesting' emails and images on users' PCs and laptops.

The directors' private files are always the most intriguing. Private, did I say? Nothing, NOTHING is private from the IT department.

Remember what your mum used to say - the further up a monkey climbs, the more it shows its bum.

Monkeys' bums would look tame compared to the stuff he's seen, though.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 12:41, Reply)

My father and I.....
After several suspicious items arrived at the house in his name, which he claimed were errors, I decided to follow up my long running suspicions that he was having an affair and hacked into his computer.
There I found that he was less than 48 hours away from cleaning out the house and bank accounts and fleeing the country. He'd applied for a transfer to New Zealand with the company he worked for and had struck up a relationship with a 'madgenz' over there. There were disgusting msn messages back and forth including talk of him showing "his bits" on web cam and him laughing about how stupid we all were and he'd never recieve his come uppance.
I never liked him, never trusted him and I damn sure made sure his uppance came with a vengeance. I told my mum.
An hour later his mate came around to get his stuff. He was still working. I broke his glasses and destroyed his passport.

He's tried to contact me to 'build a relationship. I told him to fuck off and die'
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 12:28, Reply)

I once accidentally read my mum's divorce certificate...
... I wasn't expecting that.
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 11:13, Reply)

My Brother
Myself and my brother never got on. Hate each other with a passion, and still do.

So that's why I came up with this little bit of cruelty when I was around 12 and him 9.

Never kept a diary, but I started to for reasons that will become apparent.

I made mention of the fact I was keeping a diary at dinner. You could see my brothers eyes light up. My mum saw them as well, and made it very clear that anyone other than me who read my diary, would be punished severely.

So for the next month, I wrote about crap, with the occasional tit-bit of gossip. I made mention of where I hid $5 in my room, and amazingly the money disappeared.

That was it, I had him. Now for the culmination of my evil plans.

My parents were going away for the weekend. I was staying with friends, and my brother was staying with the next door neighbours. I knew that he would be allowed back into the house for a bit, and that he would use the opportunity to read the diary.

So I put the following in : "My parents told me some interesting news today. Scott the shit has been diagnosed with cancer. He has about 3 months left to live. They told me, as they want me to be nice to him in his last months. They also said they don't want to tell him, as nothing can be done to help him. Be good when he's dead, I'll get the nice room."

When my parents got back, the neighbours said he'd been crying all weekend. Asking him what's wrong, he finally said he's dying. WTF? asked my parents. He said he had read it in my diary.

I was brought in for a yelling, but all I said was "I knew he was reading my diary. I was trying to catch him out." I also made mention about my missing money.

My Mum thought it was a clever plan, and decided to punish accordingly. Thought he suffered enough for the diary reading, but for the theft, got a caning, and I got his pocket money for the next two months.

Result.
(Kaer, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 11:12, Reply)

Not a diary, but...
As a sysadmin, one of my responsibilities is to ensure nothing offensive goes through our Internet connection. We just rely on manual monitoring now, and a list of blocked sites, but I used to go through the Internet caches of each browser. Some of the stuff I found..

One that sticks in my mind is a video of a young lady in leather walking up and down on a man, while she was wearing 5inch heels. What made me wince a little was the she stopped at his groin, sorted out his balls, then stepped on them.

Oh, and one user had an interesting collection of sites: He went to loads of sites featuring nude pregnant women (sort of understandable), guns (erm ,dangerous territory here) and Hitler worship (rather worryingly, he did apparently think Hitler was a God and Goebbels was some sort of Angel).

Oh, and another user had a thing for ( apparently legal) boys with big dicks. Wonder if his boyfriend ever found out.

Most of the rest of the porn I used to find was a mix ranging from softcore (nude women and men), through hardcore through to bestiality and, let's say an unusual use for bodly secretions.

As for the most embarassing time? Well, I did once see a user (not mentioned above) typing out an email in which he came out to his best friend and admitted he fancied him.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 9:37, Reply)

Perils of misinterpretation
I found my mum's diary under a floorboard in her bedroom and had a look at the most recent entry:

"I've never experienced such a massive dong. When he slotted it into my apex, it filled up the space entirely. I pulled on his length and we went like the clappers until my ears were ringing...."

Smut? No, my mum manufactures bells for churches and she'd been atending a campanologists' meeting. Doh!
(frankspencer, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 9:26, Reply)

Thanks, B3TA... I Think.
Things haven't been peachy between myself and my BF the past few months so yesterday after reading this QOTW I succumbed to temptation - I googled him and his preferred usernames.

I found him.

Oh yes, I found him in a looking-for-a-fuck profile on a cottaging* site I'd never previously heard of, dick pic and all, last accessed at the weekend when he was away in Blackpool supposedly spending time with his kids. I also found an entry for him on rate-a-rod (I gave it a barely-deserved 1 out of 10). I showed the link to one of my friends, a single gay guy who spends a fair bit of time on gay personals sites - he told me it isn't the first time he's seen a profile for him whist we've been together. He didn't want to tell me because he knew I was determined to try my hardest to rescue our relationship. Bit of a moot point if the BF is cheating, but still.

When challenged about it on his return from work, he said he'd created it that very weekend, 'just fucking about'. It struck me as rather specific, very thorough and considering the state of our relationship lately, fucking dangerous and thoughtless fucking about. Suffice to say, I didn't believe him. The discussion went downhill from there.

So that just about wraps it up for us, I guess. Two years, almost to the day I met him. And now it amounts to fuck-all. Shite :(

* COTTAGING: The practice of men having anonymous gay sex in public toilets. Classy :/
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 9:08, Reply)

Sister
Shit story I'm afraid.

I found my sister's diary once - I opened it and then decided that I really didn't need the trauma of finding out what my sister gets up to - I already had enough to keep me in therapy for the next 50 years..

Size? I'll show you - oh look, I dropped the soap ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 8:30, Reply)

I read Frank Spencer's diary
Damn does that dude have some life.
It's all, "throbbing bulb" this, and "steaming string of semen" that. He has sex with like a million women a day! He even has a nervous fat slave called Phil who gets angry when you look at his master's diary. I didn't want to upset Phil, so I gave him the diary. But here's a passage I thought you'd all like.

"I NEED THE SEXY TIEM REEL BAD!"
(Alexxx It wasn't me, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 2:53, Reply)

Personally
I think anyone who gets caught reading a loved ones diary should be hung drawn and quartered, which is why I always do it when the two timing cum bucket bitch is at work.
(Fatima Whitbread's hardon drugs and the causes of drugs, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 23:11, Reply)

I found...
A spack's diary at college today.
The first few pages were what they'd done over the course of the past fortnight - chopping wood, cooking food etc.
and then the pages became moist.

I read no more.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 22:54, Reply)

not quite diary
Imagine my horror when i borrowed my mums phone and found a message saying, "my garry's a big boy" ( my dads name is peter)

Then another message saying "no he's not black"

Then imagine my relief when i realised that the date the messages were sent was the weekend my presumably straight uncle with a wife and 3 kids was over from canada and using my mums phone so he could keep in touch with people while he was here.
(fwack bang on it, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 21:22, Reply)

Good Times
A group of girls at my school kept a diary of all the events that happened between them and boys. I learned off this book and "found" it during form time. The words are ingrained on my mind. They would not speak to me for around 15 months, then went out with one. So i hope im in the bloody thing.
(dirtyfukinmanc I swear the sheep was awake, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 20:58, Reply)

Gerg....
There is something deeply disturbing about a desire to sniff your sisters packet.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 20:22, Reply)