I work for a removals company
We get given the names and numbers of people from a certain estate agents, we then do an estimation for them and if we get the job we're meant to give the estate agents a commission, but we only tell them about half of the jobs we actually get through them.
(Belgaer is, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:49, Reply)

My former father in law
owned a restaurant

One day customer ordered a glass of Remy Martin VSOP

The glass arrived, the customer takes a sip and says "That's not Remy"
"I assure you it is, sir"
"It is not, bring me the bottle"
F-i-L gets the bottle and pours a fresh glass for the customer who smiles and drinks it happily.

I used to do the drinks buying for the restaurant and in all the time I worked there I was never asked to buy a bottle of Remy (costing in excess of £20). I had to buy loads of cheap three star brandy (costing less than a fiver) though.
(bald old git was bemused and befuddled on, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:49, Reply)

In IT Support
Switching your computer off and then on again really does fix some problems. It's not just a fob off to get you off the phone.






OK, it is.
(d371ght back again since, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:45, Reply)

Council Workers
We despise the public.







Whaddya mean that's no secret?
(Red Morning Light, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:44, Reply)

a student
the secret that no-one knows, and those who know dont believe is:

sometimes, we do actually do some work
( wjh31, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:40, Reply)

I work in a school
but from previous QOTW replies I now know that there are members here who's kids attend said school so I'm going to keep my big mouth shut!
( SiX and his hat, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:38, Reply)

Turkey Inseminator
We sometimes use our own for our 'science project'.
(lincolnsmithvstheblackprince I'm up to my knees in lionel here, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:38, Reply)

university lecturers
we make it all up.



Whaddya mean that's no secret?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:37, Reply)

Plonk
I used to work for a wine merchants and, when we didn't have enough of a particular wine, we would take the labels off inferior wine and apply labels for the more expensive wine which had been supplied by the producer "for promotional purposes"
(bald old git was bemused and befuddled on, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:36, Reply)

I'm a student
Thanks for the loan, taxpayers. It means I can get drunk frequently and lie in bed a lot. I also smoke heavily and have a 10-daily tea habit.

And an extensive tunes collection, and some really nice clothes. And lots of urban vinyl too.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:36, Reply)

HI I'M FROM ZOO MAGAZINE
and we would like to use this qotw in our next publication
(duketh *raises rifle* everyone loves muffins!!!!!!, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:34, Reply)

top secret, eyes only
my trade: Army Soldier
the dirty secret: IT'S SHIT. don't anyone be fooled by the flash recruiting drive video you won't be going ski-ing, free falling, mountain climbing etc.
you don't get great pay and conditions, the pay is in fact less than minimum wage, I got more pay when I worked for a call centre!!
you get bossed around by social inadequate fuck wits who usually don't last ten minutes in civvie street.
the accommodation is worse than the stuff illegal immigrants riot over, it would be a breach of human rights to put prisoners in the conditions we were "housed" in.
and the crowning turd in the water pipe:
just as you get back in to being a "human" again the fu*kers call you up and send you to a war zone
I could go on but I'm saving it for my book - Confessions of a Ginger Welsh Medic, sub title - Pass the Morphine The Bitch is Coming Round
Length - first time around 9 years now extended by 6 months, Joy!!
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:33, Reply)

Oh yeah
and our Intellectual Property lawyers regularly steal pictures from the internet as part of the plan to take over the world. We have our own scientists, and I think they are building a deathstar on level 5.
(clockworkkillbot, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:31, Reply)

We are the law
I work for a big law firm. Our office is a hollowed out volcano and we are trying to take over the world. However, I don't get a natty labcoat with my name on it.

I feel cheated.
(clockworkkillbot, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:30, Reply)

big-girls-blouse is right
Not only does he not want to speak to you, he will write rude file notes about you and advise all his colleagues not to speak to you either.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:26, Reply)

Lost in Translation
I'm a professional translator and over the past few years I've seen all manner of dodgy practices.

I've often been asked to "check" and "proof" translations into and out of languages I have absolutely no knowledge of (and some of these are important documents with real consequences if they're wrong). I've seen translations done by people who describe themselves as professionals but who in reality have little or no command of English and sometimes only a passing acquaintance with the source language- and who get loads of work from non-too-discerning clients and agencies because they're cheap, and often clients are in no position to judge whether a translation is any good or not anyway.

My first foray into translation was to do quite a lot a freelance stuff for Eurotrash. The very first thing I did was a load of footage of Lolo Ferrari for a tribute show after she snuffed it. I grossly underestimated the amount of work involved in that one and didn't sleep for 72 hours getting it done. I may or may not have *made up* portions of said translation.
(Crayola Oblongata Is it Monday?, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:25, Reply)

supermarket deli chicken satay sticks
You just don't want to know.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:24, Reply)

OK, it's a friend-of-a-friend story, but here goes
My little bro' is in the RAF, and one of his mates has a confession about a training flight on which they were looking for a wind turbine as a route marker. The Nav. was convinced that it should be around here somewhere, but couldn't see it.

Puzzling.

Then he noticed it. As the Hercules passed between its currently rotating arms .
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:23, Reply)

Glorified secretary
I run an office on my own and quite often can get away with doing fuck all all day.

Plus, often when we say the boss is not available, he is and doesn't want to speak to you.

*shock/horror*
( girlinthehole, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:17, Reply)

Dypso...
I have been known to teach while (a) drunk; (b) getting drunk and (c) so horribly hung over that I couldn't focus on the students and had to set them a discussion task every five minutes or so to allow me time to run to the loos to do the technicolour yawn.

Not, I hasten to add, at my present august institution.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:16, Reply)

I make cheese
And I leave a little of my own magic now and then in a selected cheese.

But I'm not going to tell you what brand of cheese I work for, that would ruin the suprise now, wouldn't it? ;)
( spaceage, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:15, Reply)

Emissions trickery
I work in engine and gearbox development for a nameless car manufacturer.

We were fairly convinced that we wouldn't be able to make one of our engines pass the latest round of stringent emissions tests. That is, until one of my colleagues demonstrated a fairly crafty trick...

In essence, what we've done is to divert some of the air directly from the air intake into the exhaust tract, bypassing its route through the engine completely and 'diluting' the exhaust gas. Daft as it sounds, it worked, and that's how that engine's been made for at least a couple of years. It now passes the test, despite not actually producing any fewer pollutants than it did before.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:15, Reply)

Accountancy
It's not big and it's not clever.



And it's slightly more interesting than you'd imagine

Not much though!
(Jugular, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:14, Reply)

never
i have never been to Trade, and therefore i have not committed a dirty secret there.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:13, Reply)

I'm a stand-up comic
We're a bit dull socially as we tend to talk about ourselves quite a lot.
(undemanding, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:12, Reply)

Builders
in many of the sub-trades often piss in the corner of houses they're building because they can't be arsed to go to the site loo.

I'm sure there are more, but I haven't come across any so far...
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:12, Reply)

Lasers
I design and build high power lasers for a living in a lab for a biggish company.

The company is not trying to take over the world, nor is my place of work a hollowed out volcano or a moonbase.

I vary rarely get to see the lasers working due to health and safety (there are always in a locked box when they are on).

I do get a lab coat with my name on it though.
(Tim K, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:11, Reply)

I'm a nurse
It's not true at all that we're all sex-fiends.

Sorry!
( Wifey, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:10, Reply)

I'm a scientist
and all thse women with their hair in a bun and glasses- they dont look any better when they take them off!

edit- too many words dammit
(Symball, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:05, Reply)

Media sales
Nuff said

I don't actually work IN media sales (thankfully), but my company does have a media sales department. I am a journalist. Because that's so much better...

I almost feel cheated by this QOTW; everyone knows the dirty secrets of my industry already.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:04, Reply)