The Motor Trade (Boo, Hiss etc)
Although I currently work in the nice honest side of the trade, the stories, the stories…

A few general bits for now...

There are models that we genuinely don’t want to sell you, as they are notoriously crap and we don’t want the aftersales hassle. But the bloody manufacturer insists on building the things, so…

Fancy something buckshee? Insist on picking up your car on a day that the salesman is off (as we get on average one day off a week and have to try and fit our entire life into one day, don’t be surprised if you insisting that we come in is not well received). Then blatantly lie about you had been promised item X for nowt.

Try writing a letter to the manufacturer full of complete blatant lies. That’s a good one. Most dealerships have to achieve a ridiculously high score on customer survey results or get penalised. You’ll get your £30 set of mats (from a deal with a profit margin of £20, and yes that’s not uncommon).

When a salesperson says ‘that’s as far as I can go’ on your umpteenth ludicrous attempt to haggle, this is generally true. Most new cars have a profit margin of 0-8%. So if you’ve got a few % off, a bit more for your swapper and a buckshee accessory, that is genuinely the lot. The pre-registered ‘save XXX’ have got fuckall margin at all. Be polite when asking – we don’t mind. Be a twat and demand 20% off, plus £10k part ex when your heap is worth £6k on a good day in poor light, and then go all shouty and claim to be a golf buddy of the MD and you’ll get feck all. Oh, and don’t demand ‘best deal for cash’ as it’s illegal. Try ‘best deal with no part exchange’ and you’ll get somewhere. Just don’t get the price down and THEN chuck in a part exchange. Not polite, you know.

Bear in mind as well that the person you are negotiating with usually has a basic salary of bugger all, has signed out of the working times directive, and is paid on retained profit. Oh, and may well be sacked for having one bad sales month. That’s why he’s called you back 3 times because he has a Manager screaming at him and threatening him with a disciplinary on a daily basis.

Company car buyer? Fine. Just tell us. You’ll get the brochure, and a nice play with the car. Just don’t expect the poor bastard to spend too much time with you because your company won’t be buying from him in a million years. Don’t say ‘you’ll get the servicing work’ and expect cries of joy – he’ll be getting maybe £50 per sale and has a mortgage to pay. Just don’t pretend to be a retail punter and take up half a day and then piss off.

Piss us off while we have custody of your vehicle, usually for something we can’t do anything about? Milk under the backseat’s a good one, as are all sorts of noxious sheeit in your air vents. Just like waiters, tech support and others, don’t be a shouty big time Charlie because you will suffer. Mwahahahahaha. Be reasonable, and we’ll be reasonable.

Rant over for now. If I feel fluffy later I’ll actually post some ‘secrets’.

Oh, okay. One for now. If you’re on a forecourt and there are half a dozen of the same to choose from, go for the one with the flat battery. Why? It’s been there for ages, and most dealers have a policy of disposing after 90/120 days into the trade. You’ll get a cracking deal on it: as long as they get their money back they’ll be happy.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 13:08, Reply)

Timber Frame Houses
Theres a block of flats in London which is double studded all the way up,

i forgot to take them out when i was 'copying & pasting' the drawings.

waste of about 4Km of timber,

i'm not proud.
(Grahamey Lagroin For Its a grand old team to play for..., Thu 27 Sep 2007, 13:07, Reply)

Photoshop
So you've all heard about celebs being photoshopped to look better.
On the other hand i've been paid in the past to make z-listers look worse just so they can get their desperate faces on the pages of trashy magazines.
Mostly they request spots and facial hair but i've had the occasional request for things like cocaine residue. It defies belief.
(JoePhoto, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 13:07, Reply)

Market Research
I used to work for a very large market research company.

When we didn't get all the data we needed, we just made it up.

The clients don't care as long as they get a good report. Some of the questions we had to ask were total and utter bullshit anyway, so I wasn't worried..
(mejt, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 13:06, Reply)

IT
You think we know everything. We don;t. We're just guessing and hoping like you.

and if you bring us a PC or laptop to confgure then please make sure all your pr0n folders are not hidden or locked. Thank you.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 13:06, Reply)

Working for a stationery wholesaler
does not make you more attractive to the oppposite sex.
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 13:03, Reply)

Stairlifts
I wrote the TV ads for Acorn stairlifts. In one ad, a dog is sleeping on the lift and 'granddad' presses the remote control to send the dog downstairs. It doesn't wake up.

In reality, the stairlift makes a piercing beeping noise every time it moves, so no living animal could remain asleep during its movement.

And the old guy is a doctor in real life who has retired and taken up acting.
(Fothermucker, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 13:00, Reply)

Advertisers are wankers and proud of it
I work in advertising. To all you poor saps who complain, we know when the ads are annoying, that's usually the point!

For instance, do you think it was just a fluke that Michael Winner was picked for Esure over all the other available cheap celebs? It came down to a shortlist of him, Alistair Campbell and Carol Vorderman for feck's sake!!!

See also the Cadbury's singing gorilla.

Point is we know that most people will buy any old crap so long as they remember the ad (for whatever reason) and it has a celebrity's 'approval'. And it's much easier/cheaper to make an irritating ad than a good one.



The exception to this rule is anything involving Kerry Katona.
(Milo Minderbinder, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:59, Reply)

I write software for the military
It's an advanced system which is used to plan and execute orders. Lots of secret information.

But our users disregard our system and use Excel instead because it enables them to do the planning on their laptop at home. Occasionally they type the information into our system afterwards.

The amazing thing is that they don't follow orders. There is no way to order them to use the system. This seems to be the dirty secret of the military: *people don't follow orders*.

I take this as a hint to stay clear of all wars.

Still not convinced? Don't get me started about the general quality of military software ..
(spinoza, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:54, Reply)

Not my industry, but...
I was told by a luxury watch repairer that 99% of quartz watches use a mechanism made by one Japanese company. It costs about 20p. Which means that all of those Gucci, Omega, Tissot etc. watches which cost hundreds of pounds probably cost about a fiver (maximum) to make.

Top quality mechanical watches, however, can cost up to £600 just for parts and labour. Thus, if you buy a Rolex at, say, £2000, they're making less of a profit than some piece of Armani shit. And my Grandad had a Rolex for 40 years that was running fine when he croaked.
(frankspencer, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:53, Reply)

I once worked for a major high-street retailer...
...who would swap all the paperwork that came with their printers. So instead of getting a three year manufacturers warranty as was supposed to happen, you got a one year warranty and "would you like to buy extended cover on that?".

100% true. Robbing cunts!
(jimi.vicious regrets criticising the American electoral system!, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:42, Reply)

Mobile Repairs
Perhaps the best advice I can give you that I've learnt from working in a mobile phone repair shop is this: if you have any homemade filth on your phone, remove it from your handset before taking it in. That is, unless you don't mind deviant phone engineers watching your wife pleasure herself.

I've mentioned this particular example before, but it bears repeating. This chap bought his phone in, because it wouldn't turn on. Our engineer instinctively opened the phone up and checked for liquid damage, which there appeared to be a significant amount of. So, following a swift clean-up, the phone was back in working order.

Our engineer also instinctively checked to see if there was any pornographic videos on the phone that he could add to his collection. To his delight, he saw a close-up of a nice, juicy twat getting shafted by a bright white dildo. The action was rather boring, until the very end, when the woman jizzed everywhere, at which point she told the cameraman, "it's gone on your phone," so obviously the camera was actually a cameraphone. Then, a curiously familar voice replied, "don't matter, carry on..."

Need I go on? On further inspection, his wife's twat wasn't that juicy. In fact, it was rather mouldy.

*shrugs*
(Roll Fizzlebeef enjoys a good Cleveland Steamer, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:40, Reply)

Computer games journalism
To be fair, I've been out of the industry for a few years now so things might be different now from what follows...but I doubt it.

First off you need to know that when you buy a magazine, in most cases the cash that you fork over doesn't get close to covering the cost of writing, printing and distributing it (in some cases, it actually costs more to produce than the cover price). You won't be surprised to learn that the shortfall is made up for by advertising.

Not surpirsingly, in niche areas like computer games the sort of people who pay to advertise are the very people whose products are being written about. As you can imagine, this introduces a certain degree of tension between the need to create reliable, unbiased content (or at least, the illusion of it) and the need to attract advertising cash.

The pressure is rarely as blatant as "give us a good review or we'll pull all our advertising", although I've experienced that in my time too: I gave a lukewarm review to an A-list title from a big-name publisher but somehow they got to hear about it before we went to press (journos and PRs hang out a lot). Wild threats were made, my copy was spiked and they got someone else to write something that was rather less critical.

There are plenty of other tactics that the companies use to get what they want. Mags don't just publish reviews, they also do news, previews, feature, cover CDs (do they even do these any more?) and so forth and much of this relies on co-operation from the games companies. In one case, we'd run a series of exclusive (oh, how they love that word) previews/features on a game that had been in development for some time. Previews, of course, are all about hype so there were no problems there. But when it finally came to be released, it turned out to be a great big steaming pile of donkey turd. Irredemably terrible. And the reviewer said as much.

The reaction from the company behind the game was, unsurprisingly, quite extreme. First they demanded a retraction, which the editor refused (good for him). Then they began harrassing the reviewer, calling him every name under the sun, and demanding he be sacked. No dice. So they withdrew all advertising, and refused all future preview access. They even refused to send review copies of their games, meaning we'd have to buy them from the shops. I'm glad to say that in this case the mag's publishers stood their ground, but I know that many mags routinely promised favourable reviews in return for privileged access and advertising spend. Some of the biggest ones, too.

Not that the writers are above criticism. As I indicated before, if you think every game is played from beginning to end then you're kidding yourself: it's just not practical. If it's a very good game, maybe, but in most cases it'll be a few hours tops. In many cases, reviews were based on unfinished beta code. Publishing deadlines rarely coincide neatly with game release dates: on more than one occasion we'd get a CD couriered over the evening before press day, play for a couple of hours, write the review (giving some leeway for all the bits that weren't really working yet) that evening and submit it the following morning.

Also, the industry is (or at least was) quite small and incestuous -- journos and company PRs were often friends or ex-colleagues, so a nudge here and a wink there, a freebie or two (skiing trip to Aspen? Boozy day or two in Paris? Some free kit maybe?) and you know who's on your side.

The internet has changed things I'm sure so maybe things really have changed. /shrug

Length? Hey, I get paid by the word OK?
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:39, Reply)

Oh gawd, Accountancy....where do I start?
It's all lies...LIES! We over analyse really trivial stuff so that when a client gets investigated, the numpteys working for Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs have to spend days ticking off bank statements against ledgers and computer printouts, and it doesn’t matter if they find any errors because they are almost certainly immaterial to the accounts so no action is taken. They go back to their superiors and explain how they found x-many errors which have now been corrected (well done, pat on the back) and we go back to the client and tell them no action is being taken due to our sterling work (well done, pat on the back and more chargeable hours invoiced).

But the biggie, the really big lie is estimation. Here is the official Accounting Standards Board definition:

Estimation techniques are the methods used to establish the estimated monetary amounts associated with the measurement bases selected for assets, liabilities, gains, losses and changes to shareholders' funds where there are uncertainties over the amounts.

There are ALWAYS uncertainties over the amounts. Always. Profit lower than expected? No problem, the stock and work in progress is "estimated" to be surprisingly valuable, oh look...your profit has soared, wont the shareholders be happy. What’s that? Can’t afford a big tax bill this year? Nevermind, the stock is "estimated" to have no net realisable value and now you've made a loss and get a nice fat tax refund from last year.

None of this is ever mentioned. When I was a junior I asked my manager why we bothered producing sets of accounts when all that happens is that the reviewing partner changes the estimated figures to get the bottom line the client desires. I was informed that accounting is not an exact science.

What a complete waste of time. I do this every day.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:38, Reply)

Health Insurance
I used to work for a health insurance company where you had to sign a declaration stating to all intents and purposes that you would not spill any beans regarding any information you may come across to your mates down the pub.

Well being a large company there were regular pieces of correspondance from famous celebs telling us their current circumstances and so on. One day however, I was reading a letter from - and I'll try and be nice to the b3ta lawyers - a young, female tv presenter who used to co-present a legendary live late-night Channel 4 'magazine' show.
Well apparently - and this was a very delicate matter - she somehow managed to get a contraceptive device wedged up her muff.
She went into hospital to retrieve said device with her then beau, the obligatory footballer, and eventually it was hoofed out. As you can imagine this situation demanded a certain amount of sensitivity being such a private matter an' all.
Needless to say, I couldn't wait to get down the pub that night. This was just before the big internet boom so thankfully this news never went very far. At least not more than a mate who told a mate who then told their mates. That sort of thing.

Also, one could search the database for friends or neighbours to see what ailments they were currently experiencing for further mirthment/blackmailing opportunities.

I hasten to add that I don't work there any more so cannot handle personal requests. Sorry.


Length? I'm a noob and trying to impress.
( Ultimate Cakes & Sweets Why,what are you planning to do - photosynthesize?, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:36, Reply)

Why do I get the feeling that this question will be a Ratner moment for many.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doing_a_Ratner
( cupboardy, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:30, Reply)

I murdered a director
I used to work for a company that was run by academics. Marketing types would ring speculatively and, being academics, they hated talking to real people let alone sales people and would often hang up, not answer or just leave them on hold while they went off to do more interesting things. This often left me, acting as the receptionist, getting an earful from some very annoyed phone monkeys.

Eventually the directors and I came to an agreement where we would give marketing companies the name of a fake marketing manager, who would be "out" a lot. And when one of the academics was bored, or the company seemed useful, they would speak to them.

As the head academic was particularly keen on X-men, we named the marketing manager Dr. Jean Grey, but pronounced it John.

It all started very well

PM (Phone Monkey): Can I speak to your marketing director?
Me: So sorry, he's out on the road
PM: Can I have his number?
Me: He probably won't be able to pick up, he's in China, you can send some literature if you like, address it to Dr. Jean Grey.
PM: Okay, I'll call again after I've sent some information

All very nice, no-one got hurt, and everybody was more productive.....

Until we met the jack russells of the sales and marketing world. They started ringing, and I gave them the above speil.

After a week or two, they rang again

PM: Hi, can I speak to Jean Grey?
Me: It's Dr. John Grey and I'm sorry, he's "out" on the road.
PM: Did he receive the material we sent?
Me: Yes, I'm sure he did
PM: Do you know if he read it?
Me: No idea, I'll ask him to return your call when he comes in.
PM: Great, thanks

*sniggers from office*

And again:
PM: Hi I called last week to speak to Jean Grey
Me: That's Dr. John Grey
PM: Okay, sorry, has he read the material?
Me: Oh yes, he said he was very interested and he was going to get back to you. Did he call?
PM: No I have no record of that
ME: Well not to worry, I'm sure he will soon, he's in India at the moment.
PM: Thanks

*sniggers from office*

Another week passes:
PM: Hi, could I speak to Jean Grey?
Me: It's Dr. John Grey, I'm sorry, he's not here at the moment
PM (getting irritated): Do you hold his diary? I've been trying to speak to him for weeks
Me: I'm sorry, Dr. Grey *sniggers* is a very busy man, I'm sure he will get back to you when he's available
PM: Well, make sure he does...

I had a bit of a "handbags at dawn" moment there, and everyone thought it was hilarious, but I knew we weren't going to be able to do this all the time, afterall, Dr. Jean was supposed to be saving everyone time, and phone monkey was being a bit of a pest.

So we decided to hurt him (Dr. Jean that is, not the phone monkey)

The beginning of the end:
PM: I would like to speak to Jean Grey please
Me: It's Dr. John Grey, and I'm sorry, he's not available
PM: Look, I've been ringing for weeks, I know what my company is offering is not hugely important, but it could be highly beneficial, if I could just speak to him once, I'm sure arrangements could be made very quickly.
Me: I appreciate that sir *sniggers* but unfortuntely Dr. Grey has been involved in an accident and I'm not sure when he'll be returning to work.
PM: Sorry to hear that, I'll ring next week
Me: You do that, thanks!

I'm sure you can see where this is going can't you? We had to kill Dr. Jean Grey, it was a hard decision because he was such a valued member of the team, but he had finally become a bit of a millstone, he had to go.

Next week:
PM: Hi, can I speak to Jean Grey please?
Me: *sniffling* it's Dr. John Grey, and I'm sorry, but no, he's unavailable.
PM: He's always unavailable, is there someone else I can speak to?
Me: There's no need to speak to me like that sir *sniffle*, Dr. Grey was the only person you could speak to
PM: Was?
Me: Yes, he died yesterday, he stubbed his toe at the Australian embassy and contracted gangrene, it spread to his abdomen, they tried to amputate, but he just didn't make it.

(Think about amputating an abdomen - honestly! Australian embassy? Don't ask, I don't know why)

PM: I'm so sorry.....*BIG Pause*...have you found a replacement?
Me: That's very insenstive sir, I suggest you don't call again

*SLAMS Phone down*

Everyone laughed like horses, we toasted Dr. Jean Grey at the pub later.


ADDITIONAL
The whole company agreed that Dr. Grey had to be killed, and that I was the person to do it. Although there was no mess to clean up, no body to hide and no snooping by the cops, this dirty secret was particularly guilt-free and legal (and nonsensical).

But the emotional price was high, not only did I "give birth" to my very own fictitious marketing director, I then killed him with the Australian embassy. I still miss Dr. Grey, sometime I feel a deep ache of longing, he'll be forever in my heart

Most of this story is true.
(Jugular, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:21, Reply)

Shed loads of profit, little work
Now I'm not going to say what I do for a living but it is an integral part of the automotive industry.

I sell an O-ring to customers for 75 quid each stating that it is paint/solvent/oil resistant and that normal O-rings will work but will dissolve and leak within minutes.

This is all true

However I buy the o-rings in at 200 quid for a thousand.
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:18, Reply)

Radioactive materials do not glow in the dark,
unlike in the opening titles of the Simpsons, The glowing which is sometimes observed is either due to a fluorescence effect when charged particles given off by decaying radioactive materials interact with a phosphor or the like, or it is caused by Cerenkov radiation.

Cerenkov radiation is the blue glow which comes typically from pools of water holding radioactive materials and is caused by the charged particles given off by these materials travelling faster than light in that medium (water). It is the optical analogue of the sonic boom.

Not so much a dirty secret as a science lesson. Sorry. I got all carried away there.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:17, Reply)

I work in the hotel/restaurant trade
You would not believe the amount of drunk, drugged up, screwed up, sexed up people who cook your food and serve it to you. Please be nice to waiters, dont ask why, just do, trust me.
(astrosinmyeyes is hoping Manson is released before, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:17, Reply)

Ian Botham moment
Why not claim to be the "pioneer of reverse swing" and take lots of wickets against unsuspecting English batsmen in the 1992 cricket world cup final by lifting the seam of the cricket ball with a bottle opener?

Regards,
Imran Khan.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:14, Reply)

All prostate examinations are unnecessary

(SSSSS, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:08, Reply)

Enzyme
I know what you mean. It's almost like a badge of honour. I'm a computer science lecturer who never did maths beyond GCSE level (I got a B).
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 12:06, Reply)

I'M NOT REALLY A NGIGERIAN PRINCE
AND I DON'T ACUTALLY HAVE A SECRET ACCOWNT WITH $25,000,000 DOLLARS IN IT WITCH I WOOD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU AS I KNOW YOU ARE A GOOD HONEST MAN.

WHEN YOU SEND ME YOUR BANK DETALES I WILL SIMPLY STEEL ALL YORE MONEY.

And I know what the caps lock button is for, but I assume you'll think you're more intelligent than me if I pretend I don't.

Hey! Look! I can spell too!
(ReAndyMator has been very bored since July, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:59, Reply)

Business Consultancy
I tend to work for some of the less salubrious sectors of industry, i.e. oil companies and arms manufacturers. So when they have issues that should by law be reported to the relevant authorities, it's our jobs to do a bit of "damage limitation". I believe in most circumstances it would be called lying.

Whacking 15-20% on top of any expenses, especially those purchased for my own use, like a week's shopping from Tesco, before the invoice goes to the client is pretty commonplace.

Much worse goes on, but as it's all illegal I'm not going to mention it. I'm sure you won't be surprised once I mentioned the word "consultant".
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:59, Reply)

I am a scientist
Firstly, let me reinforce the stereotypes. I wear a white (albeit badly stained) labcoat at work, with my name on it. I'm wearing it now. I am slightly mad, and forgetful of important things. I forgot a dental appointment and a work meeting last week, despite having them both written down in my planner.

On the up side, I do get to play with some fantastic toys and stuff that the general public doesn't get access to. These include:

Electron microscopes
Gas torches which can melt quartz
High voltages (once made my own HT kit which broke 5 safety rules simultaneously)
Very high pressures
Very low pressures
Liquid nitrogen
Lasers which can burn holes in metal
Toxic gases
Explosive chemicals

The list goes on.

I have used all of the above for entertainment purposes at one time or another.

The most remarkable thing about all of this is that I'm still alive.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:59, Reply)

Video games, they make you violent you know
I work in the games industry, which despite common misconceptions, can be more than a little prone to drink, drugs, lies, sex, bankruptcy and occassionally some work.

I work for an outfit, who in turn work for a bigass outfit (you can't spell "CHEAP" without their name, ironically) located in the US.

So our working days are spent trying to implement the latest, greatest, buzzword inspired brain fart that our friends across the atlantic have excreted on our desks.

Evenings on the other hand involve varieties of debauchery, culminating in the kind of injuries, reserved for those indulging in a spot of fight club, or maybe some mutual BDSM.

So next time you buy a game, spare a thought for the actual blood that was shed during it's conception.

I'm thinking I can probably squeeze more than a few stories out of the years i've been doing this job. Highlights possibly include but not limited to, russian crime bosses providing finance, a potentially schizo boss, and the senior guy caught having some "alone time" in an empty office.
(ShiftyBastard won the World Cup on World Soccer Champs 2010!, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:56, Reply)

crackhouseceilidhband
I was wondering about posting something along those lines, but I think of it as sponteneity and ease with the subject. I'm not ashamed, therefore it isn't really a dirty secret.

I have, however, had conversations with other lecturers about canonical pieces of work that we actually haven't read (Kant's first critique being prominent on that list, for all the philosophers out there...), and I do know of people who have taught on such works.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:55, Reply)

Electrics
You know when you have had anything done to the wiring in your house you get told that you need to get it checked at least every 10 years because the insulation on the wiring degrades over time.


Well that is a load of bollocks, if done correctly, the wiring in your house should be able to last longer then you can. Thats only said because if you knew that, then there would be alot of buisness lost.


Dont tell anyone else tho. our secret
(chemicals1234, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 11:52, Reply)