Multiplex hell
I've just paid the not-insignificant sum of £38 for my wife, 2 kids and I to go and see Paranorman at the cinema (excellent film btw, just the right mix of darkness and laughs that reminds me of classic kids movies from the 80's).

In the row behind is a group of unsupervised kids who proceed to kick the living shit out of all of our seats for the entire running time. We take issue with this, and raise our grievance to no avail. Strangely the parents of said children are nowhere to be seen.

In front of me, a woman spends the first half an hour merrily texting on her phone with the brightness on full. Again I take issue with this and complain. She apologises, but instead of switching her phone off, she cups one hand over the screen in an attempt to hide the glare. Oddly (in a dark room) this doesn't work and is maddeningly distracting.

I'm a calm man, in fact colleagues and friends often comment on how unflappable I seem. This type of behaviour in the cinema though makes me feel violent like nothing else on earth.
(BinDipper, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 10:19, 9 replies)

Religious figures who've apparently never heard of Godwin's law
Like when the Pope came to Britain and compared secularism to the third reich - you know, the same third reich that his church supported and that he personally was a part of. Or when Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor went on the Today programme to make the same point. Or, more recently, George Carey comparing Christians in this country to Jews in the holocaust because the government wants to let gays marry each other.

Every time they come out with this crap the only way I can assuage my building anger is by imagining that they have heard of Godwin's law but that they're so fucking dense they've misunderstood it as, literally, "God wins".
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 10:03, 25 replies)

Perspective
I was going to say that I hate it that people have posted about pet peeves, minor gripes and general annoyances. Hardly 'driven to madness' is it?

Then again, I just read an article about our latest celeb-nonce, Freddie Starr. During his attempt to deflect blame he was quoted saying that Peadophiles were a 'pet peeve' of his.

A fucking 'pet peeve'? He makes it sound like kiddyfiddling is up there with mixing the knives and forks in your cutlery drawer. I hope he dies a bit.
(King Nightmare, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 9:58, 2 replies)

For all the casual anti-Americanism in Britain
I far prefer their "Have a nice day!" plastic smile customer service than our bloody disinterested cashiers that simply hold out their hand and gaze into the middle distance, saying "£4.69 please" in a bored monotone.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 9:58, 8 replies)

Bomfunk the chipmunk
There was a timid chap who worked at the desk next who I decided in a fit of passive/aggressive workplace bullying to nickname Bomfunk as he looked like a weird white tracksuitted guy in the Bomfunk Freestyler video.

He would eat his sandwiches by first opening his desk drawer, carefully removing his sandwich box, delicately opening it and gently lifting out a triangle-cut sandwich. He would then nibble on the edge of the sandwich like a chipmunk before reversing the whole process. Moments later he would then start the whole drawer,box,nibble process over and over until all his sandwiches were gone.

Oh, and the way he ate Beef McCoys every day also pissed me off.

Closest I've ever been to stabbing someone up with a pencil.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 9:52, Reply)

Day running lights
Following on from an earlier comment about asshats driving about with sidelights and fog lights on.

Now, this was once popular with the underclasses and BMW drivers keen to show off their 'angel eye' headlights but thankfully fell back out of fashion for nearly all but the truely chavvy.

Then, Audi start dressing the front of their cars like it's Christmas and every other manufacturer has copied them.

Volvo had lights you couldn't turn off years ago. They weren't 'trendy' and no one copied them but oh no, a bright white LED string to make you look like a fun council house tenent in December is all the rage.

Moreover, as they don't want to re-design the whole car, a lot of the manufacturers are putting these things right by the front fog lights. This has thus encouraged every back passage who wants to look like they have a car newer than they do to start with the sidelight/fog light thing again.

Grrrr!

Rather than looking to speed cameras for revenue generation Plod should start pulling these birth canals over and dishing out fines. Got to be millions in it.
(fivetide, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 9:51, 17 replies)

The adverts on DVDs
DVDs you've bought legitimately, from a shop, or on-line.
Why do they put the pirate DVD warning advert on these? surely they're preaching to the converted. They wanna put it on the dodgy ones.

Also the line "you wouldn't steal a car"well, if I could get a copy of the car and the owner of the original car could keep his, then chances are I probably would.

Also I'd really like the download speed of the girl in the adverts.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 9:13, 13 replies)

TV and Radio adverts which use an actor instead of the celebrity.
e.g. The obviously fake Johnny Vegas on the implausibly bad Jacomo adverts (previously mentioned - I agree that they are shite).

Or the fake Vic Reeves from the old Churchill ads.

The impersonated and financially cheated "real" person must struggle with insanity every day.
( Jabberwoc misses D.R. and Quinch, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 2:44, 24 replies)

This doesn't exactly drive me to distraction, but it does make me ponder about how pathetic some people are
Fanboys obsessed with camera brand loyalty. I was once wandering about the zoo and spotted some guy in the distance who I assumed to have a rather large Canon white lens mounted on the camera around his neck. I genuinely didn't notice it clearly was a Nikon camera, and asked the guy what Canon lens it was in my naivety at the time, given I didn't recognise it. The guy seemed to get really angry, stating it was a Nikkor lens which swiftly became obvious, and stated his can sell with a "white hood," before storming off with a bad attitude. To this day, I like to think he heard my laughter behind him.

A lot of this bollocks goes on in the photographic community. I have no idea why; the rest of us pick up a tool and make a living
( Jahled Three shades of black, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 0:32, 19 replies)

Libraries
Since when did they become a playground? No more the quiet, calm retreat.
Is it against the law to shush somebody in the Library when they’re talking too loudly on their mobilephone? Will I be arrested for asking some running around screaming child to shut the fuck up? Will I wither and turn to dust if I ask a mouthbreather to control their devil child spawn who is violently flicking through the dvd/cd racks creating a wall of ‘click, clack, click, click, clack, click’ sounds that make me want to dismember them slowly?
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 22:42, 7 replies)

weasels

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 21:47, 13 replies)

People who
can't take no for an answer.
At work we get people enquiring about whether we sell certain items.
I'm quite happy to go find out for them if we do have whatever it is they want but sometimes I know for a fact that we don't have it.
Whenever I tell people this they get stroppy and refuse to believe me. So they'll go and ask another member of staff and
being given the same answer react the exact same way.
Yes its a conspiracy we're all lying so we can laugh at you after you've left and it can't possibly be because we really don't have what you want.
(FootOfTim, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 21:04, 5 replies)

supermarket vultures
As a supermarket employee who has the dubious joy of reducing goods on the days date, you have to develop a skin thicker than that on a rhino's arse. For the biggest peril of the job are the hard core yellow label specialists a.k.a. vultures.

I know money is tight and people are on the lookout for a cut price meal where they can, but it is the greedy ones who are usually the most offensive and deserving of a good kicking.

Vultures are the customers who are only happy to buy something once it is as cheap as they can get it and have a tendency to fill a basket or trolley with reduced price goods. With some of them it's play spot the full price item.

It is common to refer to applying the final reductions as feeding time at the zoo, especially in the chilled food aisle, as this is their preferred area to pounce on unwary staff.

whilst they are helping us by taking otherwise unwanted stock, there are a few who have mastered the art of being a first class asshole.
Some will hold on to their chosen item and give it to you to reduce, with the most ignorant just thrusting it at you.
Others will pester until a specific product is reduced, with the most determined hanging around like a bad smell. You quickly learn to not carry out requests unless you love being harassed.

They always like to test the resolve of a newbie.

The true arseholes though will try and grab it out of your hand as soon as it has been reduced and you're about to put it in the reduced area. It's not much fun being caught between 2 people trying to grab the same item as you put it down.
They're also great at acting like kids - we've once had 2 vultures argue over access to a reduction area and ask a member of staff to resolve the dispute FFS.

In our attempt to keep our sanity, we start giving some of them nicknames such as Joseph Fritzl to a middle aged polish gent; cancer man and his pal to 2 guys who would shop together(one of them had cancer), and an old dear who looks like an extra from the original 'the hills have eyes', as we're not allowed to tell them to GTF, as 1)reductions are a company policy not a legal requirement
2) they are not our superiors and can't boss us about.

\rant
(trainee mad doctor is currently trying to build a secret laboratory, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 20:58, 9 replies)

Celebrity magazines
When I see someone on the train reading Closer or OK, I have to repress the urge to go up to them, snatch the thing out of their hands and say "You are an adult, for Christ's sake!"
I know it's none of my business, but when I see grown-ups reading stuff that has fewer words per page than some of the things I read to my 3-year old, I despair of humanity. I'd respect them more if they were reading The Beano.
(lolwhites, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 20:38, 9 replies)

My wife eats raw spaghetti straight out of the packet.
RAW FUCKING SPAGHETTI! And what's more is she knows it annoys me so she has this guilty look on her face which, combined with the crunching of the RAW FUCKING SPAGHETTI, contrives to make her look like some kind of cockatiel, munching on a cracker.
Makes my piss boil.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 20:31, 6 replies)

Overrated
listen you cock tards, if you don't like something, just say "i don't like it because..." and then fucking explain yourself..

Saying something is "overrated" just means you're a pretentious fucker.

Overfuckingrated...what the fuck does that mean... " Speaking as the cultural bellwether of my generation I would like to point out that the millions of people who have consumed this particular peice of popular culture were in fact mistaken. I and only I am in the position to pronounce defintively on this work. An I declare that it it is indeed 'overated' but I shall not backup this statement with any further arguments" Cunts cunts cunts.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 9 Oct 2012, 20:29, 10 replies)

You know when you think that some achewhine basement has finally be excised from the internet and then some cunt flicks a switch in a fart-filled server room and the fucking thing comes back with all the self pity and misplaced pomposity in place?
That's a bit annoying.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 19:22, 1 reply)

Supermarket grannies
There is a certain kind of shopper who feels compelled to hold a full conversation with the checkout girl, waits until every single item is scanned through before packing anything, disputes at least one item, and fiddles around in their purses to produce exact change in the smallest denominations possible. Yes I'm talking about old ladies.

And they always manage to be in front of me when I'm buying a few items, soaking up precious minutes of my lunchtime.

Yes I know you're lonely / senile / unappreciative-of-the-point-of-sale-model but I still wish you would die you doddering cacky fingered old witches.
(MagicMoose, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 19:18, 3 replies)

New Improved Recipe
Why is it that the fucktards at supermarkets haven't realised that we all know what this really means? This message on a packet can only mean one thing; they've fucked the product up. It is a short way of saying the following:

Dear Customer,

We've decided we're not making enough profit on this perfectly good product so we've given the project to the person in the office with absolutely no sense of taste or any appreciation for the original recipe and told him/her to go out and find someone who can make the product for us for less in order that we can hike up the price a bit more and get even more money out of it. We guarantee that now this product is made from 80% offcuts of donkey offal, once you taste the contents of this container that you will never want to buy it again so you really should just put this down and find something that we haven't messed with yet.
(An eejit passing by in a purple satin skirt with sparkly bits, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 19:14, 5 replies)

Council bureaucracy
I applied for a job as a pedicab (rickshaw) cyclist in Edinburgh over two months ago. I got the job on the spot, but needed a street trader's licence. The process is as follows:

1. Apply to the council.
2. Two-week mandatory waiting period to allow any interested parties to object to my being granted a licence.

During (2) the council sends off for reports from the police and the "community services team" (whatever the fuck that is). I know for a fact that I will come up completely clean in both respects. I've never even had a speeding fine for Christ's sake.

Eight weeks. Eight weeks to type my name into a database and confirm nothing came up. A job that could be done in ten seconds.

Eight weeks.
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 17:14, 10 replies)

The big long pause before announcing ..................






the winner of something .It really makes me mad . I think it's Davina McCall's fault or at least that's where I started noticing it . I'm sure when I was younger it was considered rude and ill mannered to prolong someone's agony for comic effect or entertainment , now you've got time to make a cup of tea while they cut between nervous faces .And anyway , it's not even the best bit , surely there's more of that type of 'entertainment' to be had by showing the crushed bitter angry losers wailing and gnashing their teeth after the announcement . (Pearoasted from irrational hatred)
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 17:12, 3 replies)

achica.com
A members only website, that about sums it up.
Trite crud for people too lazy to buy what they like and need instructions. (*I could add a similar comment for apple products).
If I remember correctly Matalan is also an exclusive members only club.
(Master_Slob UK minister for cultural appropriation., Tue 9 Oct 2012, 16:53, Reply)

Endless

Walls

Of

Fucking

Line

Fucking

Breaks.

Cheers.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 16:25, 4 replies)

Using "turned around and said" or "was like that" instead of SAID.
As in
'He turned around to me and said, "Who do you think you're talking to?", so I turned around to him and said "Why, do you want to make something of it?" so I turned round and said.......' etc etc etc

and
' I was like that, "No I didn't" and he was like that, "yeah you did" '

They really really fuck me off.

Other than that, I'm Mr Tolerance. Probably.
(Euan_Kerr, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 16:25, 3 replies)

PFL (Txt spk for ‘Pointless-Fucking-LOLs’)…

The first bit below is a pearost with added new bits. Also, the point I’m trying to make has Shirley bindun this week?

There’s a chap I work with called Martin, who is the most chronically, death defyingly dull human being I have ever met. Words cannot express how much this moaning, miserable mong-a-tron morbidly mopes his way through every working day with the fixed, pained expression of a man who has just been forced at gunpoint to felch the sloppy schlong syrup from the clap-ridden chutney cupboard of a syphilitic three-legged goat.

Sporting the amiable charm and good looks of a sweaty, seventies serial sex-offender, Martin winces and grumbles as he hobbles along, and with every step he resembles a man who is permanently having the larger of his haemorrhoids violently rubbed with sandpaper before having his hog’s eye prodded with a red hot knitting needle dipped in sulphuric acid.

When this pitiful spaff-splat actually ‘speaks’, it is a mundane, monotone excruciating experience that usually ends with people weeping tears of despair…swiftly followed by a mad surge for the exits after an ‘impromptu’ fire drill.

You get the idea.

Yet somewhere, in every communication that this putrid lump of pure despondency sends through the medium of email (or even worse, text) he will include the acronym ‘LOL’!

The thing is…It doesn’t even follow a joke, or even an attempt at humour!

For example, Here’s a direct quote of his, copied from my inbox:

“It is the same Sharon, she is changing roles, and she will be getting a laptop as she will be field based LOL“

What the floppy-eared fuck? I ask you. I’ve never seen the guy so much as crack a smile, let alone an actual laugh…out-loud or otherwise.

Why do some people do this? Why do they feel the need to inform us that they’re laughing when they’re not?...and sometimes when it’s not even relevant in the first place?

What’s next?...

“I’m afraid it’s herpes. LOL”

“I was brutally arse-raped last night. LOL”

“Goodbye, cruel world. LOL”

LOLs are not full stops, required at the end of every message. Pointless, unwarranted LOL’s are like a virus…infecting the planet with the sole purpose of dumbing it down, closely followed by the rapidly-devaluing ‘Genuine LOL’ that people are now writing.

If every LOL was genuine, we wouldn’t be able to hear ourselves think over the noise...everybody’s work environment would be like a non-stop comedy extravaganza, and you wouldn’t be able to walk down the street without tripping over hordes of cretins ‘ROFL’ing all about the place.

Some people need to get a fucking grip. Grrrr

~~~~~~~~~~~~Wavy lines to present times…~~~~~~~~~~~

The rant above was initially written in February 2009…but have things improved since then? Have they my severely rotting ringpiece. If anything it's even worse. Because people now actually SAY THE FUCKING WORD INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY LAUGHING!

I overheard a conversation recently in a pub where one chap ‘cracked’ a joke. Hmmm. In my opinion, the joke was about as limp and unfunny as Jimmy Saville’s cock in the 70's when approached by a female above the age of consent. But how did his mate respond to this pathetic insult to humour?

Honest to fucking Mergatroid. His expression barely flinched from its standard stony, blank, indifferent expression to turn into what I could best describe as a ‘smirk’. However, he then took the effort to glance up from his phone, performed a lame attempt at the ‘finger pistol shooting’ thing towards his buddy, and said with barely an ounce of emotion in his voice:

“Yeah – that is well lol”

I have never wanted to be holding a loaded gun so much in my life.

Although I fear that this post may start a veritable tsunami of people replying saying 'lol', I still stand by my point...

I weep for the future.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 9 Oct 2012, 16:18, 10 replies)

Reading the policy recommendations
from the Tory conference...I'm guessing that each and every one of them have been driven to madness by ALL of the things mentioned here.

Seriously....Businesses voting in a general election, Boris for PM, no benefits for the under 25s etc...

Madness? I should coco!
(dchurch bah, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 16:15, 2 replies)

Experience above all else
Reading these posts has really stirred some deep seated issues in me. What irritates me is when people say "I have more experience than you, listen to me above all else". Being fairly young, I get this alot and don't get me wrong, I always have time to listen to my elders who have been there, done that and often get some easy, quick way to do a job that would of taken me years to learn. However, what I do hate is when people are so insistent they are right due to their experience, they themselves won't listen to reason or anyone else's opinion, even if what they are doing is so clearly wrong, it makes you foam at the mouth with rage. As I work in Civil Engineering, this happens more often that I drink cups of tea. Even things like driving around sites. "I have more experience in driving than you, I will drive around etc etc." No matter he drives like Stevie Wonder and has has crashed the car twice in a week. Still insists on driving. Even things like simple formulas etc. I will prove it on calculators, paper, computer etc etc that we need to lengthen this section of works etc but "I've done it like this before, you know nothing young 'un". Then I simple sit back and watch as the bridge he is building is too short and he sits there like an ape scratching his head puzzled.

I also hate it when people can't accept responsibility for their actions. I then get blamed for the bridge issues (because I am young and an easy target and don't have the experience so it must of been me)and when I get home my Dad blames me for locking him out even though he was the last one out of the house and he had my keys.

Still prefer listening to "Experienced" people over being in a room with teachers.
(Davidbaddiellismylovechild, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 15:23, 3 replies)

Driven to distraction by
Jacomo adverts.
It's not stylish or fashionable.
It's scruffy clothes for fat blokes.
(Elnicko Nearly pub O'Clock, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 15:06, 5 replies)

No matter what I did.
No matter how well I planned things.

I could never catch that damn pigeon.

D. Dastardly.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 14:55, Reply)

Fucking job applications
Some years ago, the web design company I worked for went bust and I was out of a job. I managed to get a few freelance jobs, but then after a while they dried up. But now, I don't appear to have any experience. Being freelance for a couple of years doesn't count it seems. I apply for jobs, and very rarely get a response. I have an occasional interview, but nothing comes of it.
I've gave up applying for web design jobs and just applied for any IT jobs. I then broadened that to any office jobs, then just any job. I went on to Totaljobs and just carpet-bombed the site, applying for everything.
I heard nothing. I'm beginning to think someone is intercepting my applications so they don't go through. I know I can do the jobs I apply for, hell, a monkey can do them, but because I have an ever expanding stretch of no experience, it's going against me. I even went on peopleperhour and bid for a shit load of freelance jobs on there. Nothing, because I don't have any recent experience.

I've got grovelling obsequiousness down to fine art, but it's clearly not working, so the next interview I get, I'm going to be blunt. You can always tell when the interviewer have made up their mind bout you when they try to play the job down as being more difficult than it clearly is.

Driven to madness? I'm going fucking spare, stir crazy even.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 14:52, 4 replies)