Wo0t
The only few times I've gotten cramp were during orgasm, right down the back of my leg. Lush.

My dad broke my knee playing football when I was little; embarrasing for him, especially seeing as I was in goal when he did it.

I wheelied my BMX, but landed with the front wheel tweaked 90degrees. Cue hilarious "hitler tash" scar above my lip for a week. That was the coolest.

Got a nosebleed by playing "throw the tennis ball straight down as hard as you can." How was I meant to know it would bounce rather than just tunnel into the earth?

Tried an overhead kick too close to the corner of my house and split my knee open on it.

My wrist is still fucked months later after failing to jump over an incredibly small wall.

Both my large toes are bust after smashing them off walls in two seperate but near identical incidents.

Not embarrasing, but interesting (for me cos I don't know how I managed it.) At Leeds the other day I got too drunk and burned some odd places with my fire poi - I'm used to arm burns, but how I got the back of my neck and my armpit, I doubt I'll ever know.

Also, having a nipple ring and playing nunchucks has led to some extremely girly wimpers coming from me, much to the amusement of my "friends."

Haha my mate got burned when I set his pubes on fire. I didnt want to get my hand close enough to his arse to burn those hairs, so he stuck a match up it and got me to light that. Same guy has split his banjo string.

The end of my cock went a fucking horrid shade of purple for about a week when I tried overenthusiasticly to get it in my own mouth in my more experimental days.

And the guy on "101 things taken out of the human body" who fucking ate dolls heads and masturbated as he shat them out (until it went wrong and they got stuck in his stomach.) He pwns this QotW.

I only wish this could be longer.

OOooooh yeah my eye went red for ages after I got jizz in it. Fucking stang aswell.

Want cyber?


EDIT: More; One of my mates, who is pretty slow to say the least... right if I hadn't seen this I wouldn't believe it, but he wanted to check if an iron was hot, but being the smart lad he is he knew it would burn his hand if he checked with that... so he kissed it. Massive fuck off burn on his lips, right there.

Same guy gets a small scratch on his face, almost unnoticable. He just keeps picking at it though - every time it heals up, he picks away again - and he ends up giving himself a massive scar on his face. Only embarrasing cos we'd seen this thing progress over a few weeks, and thus mercilessly ripped the piss as it got bigger.

And he went over a sledge jump with his tongue stuck out; you know what happened.

And he got his nose bust when a really small kid headbutted him.
(Daveh, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 19:33, Reply)

No sex involved, but my friends and family find this hilarious.
About a month ago, mum was out visiting me so I took her down to San Diego. After spending a merry day getting drunk, we went for dinner then onto a "duelling pianos" bar where my friend worked.
I'm sat there quite happily swinging my legs in time to the music when I whacked my sandal shod foot on the barstool in front of me.

"Whimper" I went. Mum laughed and laughed until I stood up and fell down. We looked at my foot - it was black and looked like a balloon.
One pissed up trip to the emergency room later - where mum was bouncing me off the walls in the wheelchair and I'd made 2 cops pose for a picture - turns out to be just badly bruised. But it doesn't end there.
The next morning, I woke up hungover as all hell and in that state forgot about my foot. Stood up, screamed, fell down again. Managed to hobble to the bathroom, get a bath etc. Blow drying my hair, I then proceeded to drop the hairdryer on my foot! More screaming ensues, and even though it's only 9am mum is laughing her ass off and hands me a brandy.
At lunch that day, the fucking waitress dropped her tray of drinks all over my foot!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 19:14, Reply)

This injury was caused by a bit of varnish,
and a rug. My dad was varnishing the dining room table, I must've passed out. Because I woke up in the den with my clothes off, and had some serious rugburn on my cock. I think you know what happened.
( tolin its me, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 19:13, Reply)

Not embarrassing but it still makes me laugh
Getting home about 2am after a large session I staggered upstairs and into my bedroom. The simple action of trouser removal became far more of a task than it should ever have to be. So I balance on one leg as normal and try and take them off one leg at a time...in hindsight I should've just sat on the bed...in hindsight I should've just got into bed fully clothed. So the balance had gone and I managed to fall over - fine, bit of a bang normally followed by getting up and into bed. However, on this occasion there was a keyboard stand - with those lovely serated bits that you use to adjust the height and lock the legs together...my arm found it's way down that with rather a large impact and at speed and then my jaw found its way onto the corner of my guitar amp.

I lay there, blood pissing out of my arm from a wound the size of Nosemonkeys arse after a bumming session, jaw rapidly swelling into a balloon and I was rolling around in fits of laughter.

Wasn't so funny when I woke up mind but I still look back on that night and chuckle.
( Benny Tied To A Tree As much use as Anne Frank's drumkit, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 18:54, Reply)

Obsessive Japanse Dude
I saw a program about extreme obsessions about a year ago, late at night, and thankfully there was a guy clinically obsessed with wanking. This guy would jack it "5, 6, 7, sometimes 8.... hours a day." Naturally he had severe problems with both blistering and repetitive strain injury.

And he was a transvestite. He had a more than is healthy collection of high heeled shoes. Nice.
(Daveh, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 18:48, Reply)

Ear, Ear
In the throwes of passion my g/f (now my wife) quickly reached for my head, but on the way she caught my ear with one of her fingernails, taking a small chunk of flesh out of the very top.

It bled quite a lot - and killed the moment. I now have small piece of ear missing :(
(JaffaMused local in the So.Cal, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 18:32, Reply)

haymaker
sporting an impressive three-finger splint i went to meet a date in a bar, empty save for the staff.

barmaid: how did you do the fingers?
me: uppercut in the fourth round...
girl (stunned): wow, you box?

you know when a white lie comes back to haunt you?

if said injury had come via any other sport than softball i just might have come clean first time.

sorry kim.
(chives, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 17:29, Reply)

scene: doctor's surgery
doctor: how did it happen?
me: I caught it in my zip.
doctor: looks like teeth marks to me.
( magoo, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 17:14, Reply)

£50 bet
One night a couple of years ago, I was getting quite drunk at my friends place (as was our custom).

His sister decides to prove a point, and whips out a £50 note from her wallet - how she came across this money I would add, is quite unknown - she then proceeds to tell me that if I wrap the money around my arm and put a lighter on it, my arm will burn before the paper. If she was wrong, and the £50 really did burn, then I could have it.

I was too drunk to realise that a burnt £50 note was completely useless, so I took her up on the bet, and I was going to do everything in my power to win that money.

I put all my willpower into ignoring the pain from the lighter as it slowly barbequeued my arm. I ground my teeth, made manly grunting sounds, and prayed for the first time in my life that money would burn.

Unfortunately, the money did not burn. Even more unfortunately, my arm did. I lasted about a minute, and all I had to show for my endurance was a rather large blister on my arm that adamently refused to dissapear for a good few months. I still have a small scar on my arm a goor 4 years later.

She also reminds me if every time I see her.
(Fubear, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 16:57, Reply)

Poison Ivy
Being English living in America, to me poison ivy was just a crap song from the early eighties not a plant that emits a poisonous oil and causes severe rashes when coming in contact with the skin.

So anyway, one evening the missus is feeling frisky and starts to 'head south'. On getting nearer my 'manpole' she lets out a scream, I look down and notice a red ring around the base. Then it dawned on me, after working in the garden I came in, grabbed a can of beer, flipped on the telly and it was womens beach volleyball - they looked very nice in their skimpy bikinis, I was alone and...well you can guess the rest.

I am just glad she didnt look too hard as I swear their was a red, rashy thumbprint on it.
(DrTugnut, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 16:47, Reply)

Ambulance Ride
One day in September 2002 I was cycling to work. I got to the High Level Bridge here in Edmonton (Alberta, not North London) and started down the hill on the multi-use trail.

Next thing I know I'm in the back of an ambulance and the paramedic is asking if I have health insurance. One quick trip to the University of Alberta Hospital later and I'm admitted to the ER - amazing how a head injury helps you jump the queue.

It seems I taco'd the front wheel of the bike on something and went over the handlebars, then skated down the hill on my face. If I hadn't been wearing a helmet I wouldn't be here now, as the doctors pointed out when they came to see me:

D1: Oh you fell off your bike?
D2: On the High Level Bridge?
D1: We treated a guy who did that last week!
D2: He was a doctor, you know.
D1: Yes, and he wasn't wearing a helmet.
D2: He died on me, on the operating table.

Way to help with the healing, guys.

Anyway, to this day I have no recollection of half an hour of my life, no witnesses came forward, and I managed to halt traffic for a good long while.

I got ribbed by my friends over in the UK ("Was it a moose? Did a beaver scare you?"), and my friends here ("Stop using your face as a brake"). For the next few days the wife had to wake me every two hours to make sure I wasn't dead, too. That was fun for all concerned...
(kiwanotree Meh, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 16:42, Reply)

My house had just been decorated
and the ladders were placed (albeit very stupidly) behind the bathroom door.

Needing to evacuate my bowels, I went in to the bathroom, closed the door behind me....*SPANG!*

Casualty for a few hours, stitches. I now have a minor scar on the back of my head to remind of that fateful day that I was KO'd in my own toilet by a D.I.Y. implemtent.
(Sorry, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 16:30, Reply)

Walking home from pub,
Very much the worse for cold drinks, we were playing kick the can/cone/ball/anything found on the street.

My mate went one better, aiming a proper penalty spot kick at a litter bin, aiming to send it flying.

Bottom of litter bin is filled with concrete to stop it moving.

Breakages:
1 big toe.

Shatterings

1 right foot.

Bob Ford, hobble on down.
(kunti lala if we can't be free can we at least be cheap., Fri 3 Sep 2004, 16:09, Reply)

chilli seems popular
only try being a girl. I cannot say any more on this incident, suffice to say it hurt.

Also, as the other one wasn't exactly shag-related, how about these:

1. Often,as I am built SO badly, my shoulder will dislocate during 'action'.
2. Me and my other half both have fake front teeth (veneers, not falsies). And are PERMANENTLY misjudging distance and smashing then into each other. Has cost me a fortune in dentist bills.

Also, because it is funny, you must be told that I went to Newquay to learn to surf recently, boyfriend got me a foam one, which the wind caught and whipped into my face, which gave me a nose bleed.
Not to mention the fact I was allergic to the surfboard, causing my hands to swell up and the skin to fall off. Certain clasping actions were out for a while, making it the reverse of the QotW.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 16:07, Reply)

Teenage Ambition
Was recently comparing battle scars with some mates. I have a wicked scar on my ankle from some surgery. One of my friends showed the angry pink scar from multiple shoulder surgical entries. Another showed the long ragged remnants of knee reconstruction. The oldster lifted his shirt to show the rib cracking major wound from heart surgery.

Paul was strangely silent up to this point. But after seeing all of our wounds with nothing to show of his own, he announced that he had broken both of his arms at the same time when he was 14. The cause? "Masturbation accident!"
(snooly, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 15:52, Reply)

more ouch
story told to me by uni friend, who shared a flat with barking fine art student (though a lovely bloke).

One night he was woken by a knock on his bedroom door. Crazy flatmate pops his head in and announces he's just off to A&E. Not much surprise there, frankly (he did once leap out of a second storey window forgetting there was another floor under that, and broke everything in him, pretty much). Next morning the truth is uncovered.

He was drunk, and had a hankering for a burger. He put the meat on the grill, sliced salad and got to the bun to slice it in half, placing his hand on top to steady it.

And proceeded to slice the palm of his hand off. Ow.

Much surgery ensued. Rob Phoenix, if you're out there, I salute you.

p.s. saw that twisty bollocks thing below - will now refrain from David Bowie/Labyrinth/bubble impressions on boyfriends nads. This is a truly useful question of the week.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 15:52, Reply)

Bravery, followed by clumsiness, followed by idiocy and ending in cowardess.
ok, so I'm out in Switzerland and my cousin comes out to see me. He wants to see the Stadium where the Gstaad Open (tennis) is held as he's a pretty big fan. So we go up to Gstaad and drink, copiously. Then, wanting a picture of his baby cousin with the flashing sign, he talks me into bravely climbing up the damn thing in a mini skirt. I make it up, get a great photo and then realise that sirens mean the same all over the world, I go to run, panic, and slip. After a fair bit of self congratulation on not hurting myself I notice the huge gash on my lower leg and limp home. Upon returning to the UK I decide to have it tattooed over with a nice tribal design, I get all the new artwork finished except for the part over the scar, at which I paid and ran away upon hearing how much more it would hurt. Genius. Now I have a big black tattoo to draw more attention to the awful red scar.

Click-for-pic (TM)
(carpediem, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 15:49, Reply)

Punchy
Not me, a friend: we were trying to carry a sofa up some stairs. It got stuck. Friend punched sofa out of frustration, was aiming for a soft bit, but hit a hard bit. Broke his hand, had to have it wired up, was off work for three months. The embarrassing bit was having to tell everyone he did it punching a sofa. The nurse didn't believe him.
(hiccup *cough*, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 15:49, Reply)

Not so much embarrassing, but....
..a well deserved injury.
Was dispatched (paramedic) to pedestrian vs car. The pedestrian had some decent injuries, but seemed very agitated and keen to try and walk away. He was also too drunk to be allowed the pain relief drugs I carry. Arrived at the hospital and was approached by a police officer who asked where we had picked the patient up from. Police officer then explained that the patient had been seen attempting to touch 2 young girls in a pub beer garden, got seen and had done a runner to another pub. Got spotted there by irate parents, chased and ran into the path of the car. (Parents then hid cause they thought they would get in trouble).
I was never so happy to have not given pain relief...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 15:35, Reply)

I'd been soaking in the bath for a while
and the water was getting a bit cold.

This was mid-winter and I had a mains-operated electric bar heater in the bathroom to warm it up a bit so I thought, bath, cold water, heater: perfect!
( <>Dog www.stevelaker.blog, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 15:00, Reply)

Don't TOUCH me!!
Not so much the injury as the incidents surrounding it.

I play rugby. Small girl syndrome or something like that. The coach for my university team was introduced to them by me. He was my fella, and he offered to help the team out. 3 weeks later he'd dumped me and started shagging our captain. Needless to say I wasn't happy about this (devastated would have been closer). But I chose to take my anger out on my sport.

So it's winter, the ground is frozen and we're doing tackling practice. He's giving stick so I do a really big tackle, and as I'm turning to pass the ball out of it my studs stick a bit in the ground and I go over on my ankle with a really loud crunching cracking sound.
I thought I'd just sprained it, but at the hospital it turned out I'd snapped my fibula in bits.
I'm lying on the floor in a world of pain when EX comes over and says
"Do you want me to carry you"
I manage to pull myself to gether for a few seconds to growl/shout the immortal lines
"I don't want you to EVER touch me again!!" Then the crying started.

I practically hopped across the pitch resting on a friend's shoulder before collapsing into more tears out of his sight. BASTARD.
(Imp of destruction, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 14:57, Reply)

Don't stand naked near a kerosene heater.
I was about 4 and staying at my grandmother's house. I got out of the bath and was waiting near the heater for her to bring my pyjama's when my penis actually touched the hot metal side of the heater. Big blisters all over the end of it.

....I got better
(gamera, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 14:56, Reply)

I was doing some ironing
when the phone rang; I put the iron to my ear...
( <>Dog www.stevelaker.blog, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 14:52, Reply)

ring of fire
my dad has piles.

the first we learnt of him having reached for the deep heat instead of the preparation H was the anguished screams from the bathroom.

"my arse, it's in fire" he yelped.
(pb4ugo2bed, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 14:44, Reply)

decided
to play on the ice see how far i could slide, i was only 5, sliding down the ice, i notice my zippers undone, so i reach down to do my flys up, get my piece stuck, scream, look up my nose meets the forehead of some poor child in the playground, nose, shattererd, bone on the floor next to me, trousers coverd in blood, off to hospital for a week to have nose pinned and rebuit and stitches in man hoo
d... have the scar if you want to see it.........
(codec monkey, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 14:34, Reply)

Chili Balls
My dad told me about how he was making a chili con carne once, and, as is his wont, was using birds-eye chilis for the heat - very small, but extremely hot. So he's cutting away at the chilis and gets chili juice all over his hands. Chili in the pot. Boosh. Leave for two hours to cook.

Now, as my dad's sitting down waiting for the chili to cook, he suddenly feels a burning sensation coming from his testicular region. The packets of birds eye chilis tell you to wash your hands thoroughly after touching them, which my dad had failed to do and then absentmindedly given himself a bit of a scratch in the downstairs region.

Apparently my mum came in to find him squatting in the bath over some shallow cold water.
(scoob668, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 14:30, Reply)

A Fly
Not sure it's classed as an injury but it was certainly embarassing.

One day I'm having a nice relaxing game of golf when I fly decides to invade my right ear. My efforts to kill the bugger seemed pointless as it went further and further inside my ear. Until I could feel it 'inside'. Bugger.

Hoping the thing may kill itself I decided to leave it. That night, trying to sleep, was awful. As silent as it usually is a night I could hear it moving around trying to escape only to get so far and fail.

Cue next day, 4 hours in A&E with about 3 doctors sticking pipes in my ear trying to suck the fucker out with a vacuum style thingy, when that failed they finally drowned it out.

The wait was worse, I'd have been there an hour less if the nurses learnt how to page a doctor properly that was about 5 rooms down from them (and actually opposite where I was waiting).
( Hainesey, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 14:30, Reply)

Well
I was once doing that thing you do with a lovely piece of fruit, and when the height of the moment came, I pushed it right up and it got stuck in my guts, i had to have an operation. It was fairly embarassing
(britneylover, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 14:28, Reply)

I broke my dear Mother
Not once, but twice. (And not in the way you're thinking, you sick fuck. I'm not from Norfolk.)

Time 1: Aged about 7, being taught how to putt in the garden (Golf is a big thing in my family for some reason). Having seen it on the telly, I thought a big backswing was necessary. So I went for the over-the-top follow-through, shattering my Mum's jaw in the process, as she had foolishly positioned herself behind me to see if I was aiming properly.

Time 2: About 4 years ago. Hadn't been home in a while, so on arrival gave my dear Mother an almighty bear hug, lifting her off the ground in the process. Heard something go "crack". It was her back. She's had to make weekly visits to the osteopath ever since, costing (by now) a good few thousand pounds, and is in almost constant pain.

I am a great son.
( TV's Nosemonkey, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 14:28, Reply)

Many, many years ago
whilst visiting student friends in London, we went on the obligatory piss-up and ended the evening at my mate's digs very much the worse for wear. One of my friends had decided that stealing one of those orange, flashing road lamps would be a jolly idea. This was all well and good until we tried to sleep (and that was the LAST time I ever slept on a filthy student bedsit floor!) and descovered that, no matter where we tried to hide it, the bloody flashing made sleep impossible. Cue Keith trying to undo the cover with a filleting knife to remove the battery. All he achieved was a knife sticking a good inch out the other side of his hand and a trip to casualty at 4am.
( Slippery Jim Seeking a psychotic lady for fun & sex & crime., Fri 3 Sep 2004, 14:25, Reply)