Dressing for the occasion
A long time ago, when I were but a lickle nipper, I went on holiday to Norfolk with my family. We woke up one morning to glorious sunshine and decided to take a trip to the beach. As you do.

It turned out that the very beach we were visiting had recently built itself a brand spanking new lifeboat station, or bought itself a brand spanking new lifeboat or something along those lines. Whatever it was though, the Duchess of Kent was on hand to open it, so we stood around with the masses waiting to catch a glimpse of (semi) royalty. As you do.

I'll always remember the excitement I felt as my young, innocent eyes fell upon a Proper Famous Royal Person and we watched her walk down the beach chatting to the crowds and making her way towards us. And the sheer embarrassment and shame I felt when she clapped eyes on my dad, wearing nothing but a pair of Adidas Bethlehem sandals and some snazzy, tight, small, green and blue speedos and commented that he had "really dressed for the occasion".

And that was my first and last encounter with royalty.
(tallulah kittiwake, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 13:45, Reply)

I'm sorry, this is a crap story, but the paint reminded me.
I was talking to a guy yesterday who does some stuff with the Prince's Trust. As a result of this, he got to go to a tea party at Buckingham Palace. The invite apparently said "Bring an umbrella in case of rain" - this in the middle of a humungous heatwave.

So anyway, come the day, my mate turns up and says that Charlie, Camilla, bodyguards etc are all carrying umbrellas - every single one of them - even though they could have nipped indoors in about 20 seconds (and there wasn't a cloud to be seen anywhere anyway).

How queer.

What a shit story. I really am sorry, I just thought it was worth repeating...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 12:56, Reply)

princess anne
my dad was once invited to a party in the queen's private art gallery. he was chatting in a group with prince edward and princess anne, and princess anne was telling them about how ill her horse had been. she was discussing the tests the vet had done.

"but i don't understand," simpered this fluffy blonde thing. "how on earth does one test a horse for illness?"

princess anne stared at her for a moment in absolute scorn and disbelief. then she said coolly:

"just like us, don't you know. you have to wait for it to have a pee".

keeping it real in the 'hood, anyways...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 12:53, Reply)

Feeling up the Queen
The Queen herself came to my school some years ago to officially open our brand new Six Form Centre (which had been built with a hefty wad of cash from the Sultan Of Brunei, but that's another story).

After the ceremony, she was to make a speach to the upper school in the main hall. We were waiting for her Maj to arrive, when she appeared at the back and started walking up the ailse. I was in an aisle seat so thought this would be a perfect opportunity to touch the Queen, as I'm sure not many can say they've done that.

She was walking on my side of the aisle to get to the front stage so as she went past we gently brushed against each other and we rubbed shoulders (technically elbows but don't worry about minor details). So I've rubbed shoulders with the Queen of England don't you know.

I don't know whats so great about that actually.
(Eertamai, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 12:39, Reply)

I met Arthur Pendragon in a pub in chiswick
I'd seen him on a tv documentary about the summer solstice in Stonehenge. I was with the girlfriend and had had a few beers. Girlfriend wouldn't believe it was him so I went up and asked him. He confirmed he was indeed Arthur Pendragon and showed me his passport to prove it. He was wearing a crown in the photograph and he was rather pleased to inform me that himself and the queen are the only people in the UK to have a crown on in their passport photographs!
I never thought to ask why he had his passport on him in the pub. I guess he needed to be ready to travel at any time in case of a holy war breaking out in mainland europe. 'Hello Easyjet, I need to get my legions across the waters and fast....'
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 12:31, Reply)

Watching the gee gees
Was doing some waitering at Royal Ascot one year, in the Royal enclosure no less. Got a little held up coming back from a ciggie break by a large crowd of the great and good (by which I mean fat, ugly, rich old men with skinny pointless wives) which had formed to watch Liz and Phil roll by in their carriage. All well and good, until my mate pipes up in a slightly too loud voice, 'I wonder what she's like in bed?'

Cue lots of harumphing from the crowd and an explosion of snot from my nose. Makes you think though, don't it?
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Tue 8 Aug 2006, 12:26, Reply)

Could chatting up drag queens
while you are drunk be construed as an "Encounter with Royalty"? No never had one pfftt..!
( Zank Frappa Who let the lefties in?, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 11:34, Reply)

i suppose this sort of counts
i mentioned before my gran's royal service (shuffling princesses around in prams), but my other half has something similar, if a little more sinister.

His great grandparents worked in the royal palaces for Tsar Nicholas II, and, er, got out of there before it all got properly hairy. They escaped across the border and settled there. There's a rather lovely huge leather and iron carriage chest heirloom, which my man's family all suspect was 'booty'...
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 11:29, Reply)

Royal bastard
A friend of mine's very fit sister Susie used to work as a waitress at Deals Restaurant in Hammersmith. One of the owners at the time was a certain Viscount Linley, son of Princess Margaret and Lord Snowdon.

So what, you say? He owns several restaurants and a successful furniture business and therefore has many current and ex-employees.

Well, someone that she worked with closely paid for her to attend a private clinic for an operation but she suffered a miscarriage before the procedure could be performed.

When he visited her the next day, his first words to her were "That's saved me the cost of the abor operation". _Allegedly.

As for me, I once met the Queen Mum but was too shy to say anything.
(SpittyWoonerism, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 6:37, Reply)

Not me but my dad
When he was in the Army in the 70s the Duke of Edinburgh came for a tour of his barracks. Dad was on the honour guard for HRH's arrival but then had to go straight to his duties around the base (he was on cleaning duty that day). Now there was a planned course around the building that had be security checked and cleared etc. for Phillip. Prince Phillip being Prince Phillip went off course and bumped into my dad who is now in full janitorial garb.
Prince Phillip: Ah! So that's what happened to my honour guard!
Dad(who is gobsmacked and carrying bucket, broom and mop at this point): Yes Sir. (Which recieved a filthy look from his Colonel).
(Melmite This is a MUMORPUGUH!, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 22:51, Reply)

Once when working in threshers...
Prince something or other i see on tv lots came in for posh ciggys.
I was a little alarmed when the three guys in suits n shades walked in.. i digress.

Basiclly, the un-elected scrounger comes up to me and asked for "6 panama please my good sir"

In which i promplty replyed in my best chav accent "sure fing bruv!"

I still to this day wonder if he thinks me as the uncooth of britan. Hell i dont care.
(City wall is not doing much, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 22:42, Reply)

A one time colleague...
...has a wife who worked for the BBC, producer or some sort. According to him, wifey was assigned to Sandringham or something for Christmas to film them leaving, farting around in the grounds etc. While waiting, a Range Rover approached, pulled up to the gate, and rolled the window down. A certain member of the family, face not unlike a two handled soup mug, said something along the lines of "Mummy wants you all to fack orf". Then drove off again.

Said encounter is also allegedly captured on tape as well.....
( LuftWaffle, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 22:17, Reply)

Back in me Army Days
I was one of the lucky few chosen to do royal protection for one of the less important royals, you know one of them princes you don't hear much about, think it was the one that started that tv company, can't remember his name. Anyway I digress, so Royal protection eh? sounds exciting don't it? Well it wasn't, It consisted of sitting in full body armour in the back of a land rover with a bunch of other guys wearing the same warm set up. Did I mention it was in the middle of july and so fecking warm the previous day me and some of my mates had succesfully fried an egg on the pavement. So there we were waiting in the Rover (so that if anything happened it could drive straight there and we'd all jump out and shoot people, women, children anything except prince whats-his-face). After 3 hours we got told there was a a change of plans and he wouldn't be coming. And thats why I hate the royals. Oh Charlie and Camila drove by me too whilst I was stationed in Belfast not too long after the got married. I was within spitting distance but I reacon the MP's may have jumped me.

Edit: Oh and the paint, yeah its true, they even paint the grass, no word of a lie, I have personally spray painted a yellow patch of grass green.
( Laird Dave Draws Now charges to take off his clothes., Mon 7 Aug 2006, 21:43, Reply)

My cousin jumped in a swimming pool
and splashed Princess Anne

legend
( Drunken Vet, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 21:12, Reply)

Once bought ciggarettes for underage kids

I bought them Rothman Royals, turns out they wanted Regal.
(Lt Columbo, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 19:48, Reply)

My uncle used to work for Denby Pottery,
Princess Anne came to visit them all once and all the workers had to stop what they were doing and stand in a line as she walked past them all doing royal-type things. I have been told that as the princess walked past my uncle, he stuck two fingers up at her (behind her back). A little chuckling from co-workers and she turned around to witness my uncle . . .

Now I could add some pun in here, what with it being Denby pottery and all, but basically, she had him fired.
( Fluffy elephants, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 19:39, Reply)

It was the road leading up to Ascot rather than...
the racecourse itself, where the royal family used to stop in their carriages for a few minutes before carrying on. I'm not sure why, just one of those snooty 'changing of the guard' ceremonies where nobody knows what the hell's going on.

Aaaaaanyways, I'd wangled a day off school for being a snotty nosed little mummy's boy and I had dressed rather splendidly in my favourite pirate outfit and a top hat out of my Paul Daniels magic set (top hat's being the thing to wear at the races, of course).

Now this was the year that Fergie had been caught scoffing a man's toes (in between sniffing for truffels) and she was banned from the whole event by M'am. But as I was generallly being a little boy, running along the roadside flicking bogies, I caught sight of a Rolls and made a bee-line for the window. To my surprise I was confronted by a beaming Duchess Ferguson waving at me and pointing out how cute I was to her toffo chums!

Not knowing the true significance of the previous Saturday's Daily Mirror expose, I proceeded to sit on the floor and pull my foot to my face while feining a lick/suck action, in mockery of her foot-fettish-foolery.

To her credit, Fergie burst out laughing and I returned triumphantly to the crowd awaiting the 'real' Royals.

Since then I've always loved our Royal rogues - Harry, Fergie etc.

Apologies for length and girth. How about a royal rumble?
(Party Sausage, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 17:27, Reply)

I once got caught wanking

in the monkey cage at the zoo after closing time.

I'm sorry, I appear to have misread the question.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 17:01, Reply)

The tale of the Queen and the child molester...
When I grew up there was a nearby boarding house called the Royal Caledonian School, which was basically where kids with parents in the armed forces got sent, and they all went to the nearby schools. So it was rather odd in a north London school with no uniform to find a dozen or so scottish kids in grey uniforms (all pikeys by the way).

Anyway, Madge decides to visit the place which necessitated pretty much every kid from neighbouring schools to be dragged there, sit on the grass in burning sunshine with no water for about 3 hours until she bothered to show up and walk past to meet only the teachers (who didn't actually teach, were more prison guards) at said Caledonian school and selected kids without criminal records. For the record, the royal gene pool needs help as she's quite small, couldn't count the fingers from where I sat though...

Dunno what she said but a year or so later the place was shut down after one of the staff was found to have been kiddy fiddling some of the boys in his room overnight.

Amusing anecdote, about 10 years later I was dating a ginger minger from Newport Pagnell. She wanted me to attend her uncles wedding when he got out of prison later that year.... Turns out he was the teacher that did the fiddling and got the place closed down! I used it as an excuse to dump her "as I knew the boy he abused from school".... I didn't, I just was fed up with her!

Not me who should apologise for the length...
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 15:15, Reply)

Well my dad......
Met prince andrew after winning the Navigation prize. (on a side note, its designed for two people to do, he was the first to do it single handedly, Woo for him!)

suprisingly, he's ginger, and small.

prince andrew that is. my dad is just very tall and very dutch, with a slough accent.
(KaiserPro captain arse rape, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 15:08, Reply)

Diana drive by
Princess Diana drove past my house once (seriously!)....

...she was in a stretched black car, going pretty slowly. She had lots of flowers with her and she was wearing a pine box.

I'll get my coat now for my trip to Hull.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 15:06, Reply)

my friend's friend in high school

claimed that his family were aristocrats from the Baltic states (then part of the USSR). He was a blond obnoxious American person, and made you wonder if there was something to this Stalinism business.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 14:16, Reply)

i've never met the royals
and don't really want to (inbred wankers).

but, somehow, I am slightly removed from being royal, something to do with the duke of devonshire in the family or something.

so if i kill about 500 - 600 people, i will become king!

if anybody feels like helping me with this, you will all inherit those stupid manor houses the royals seem to like, so we can fill them with kittens and other assorted fluffy things. and the new english flag will be the b3ta logo, just for kicks. and it will have badgers. many badgers.
(fantomex, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 14:02, Reply)

What's less interesting...
...than a second-hand royal meeting story?

Answer: A first-hand royal meeting story...or a royal related urban legend passed off as yours...or a feeble 'royal-encounter-joke-the-twentieth-time-round'.

Pleased to say my closest encounter with royalty was probably going up to London on the evening of Chas & Di's wedding to see the fireworks wearing my 'Sod the Jubilee' badge saved from a couple of years before. Told you I was a rebel.

[promise I won't post again until I've got something good]
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 13:37, Reply)

My sister
presented flowers to princess anne at a ships commisioning (daughters of officers were all given a chance in a kind of raffle). Aparently apart from looking quite pissed and having a knot holding her handbag together she reaked of booze

gotta love those royals
( SiX and his hat, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 12:25, Reply)

boring but true
my grandmother, who died long before i was bron, was disowned from her family for marrying a commoner (my grandfather, a drunken gambling poet/painter petty crim glaswegian)

turns out shes from an aristocratic family - royal cousins or some shit. totally loaded they were as well, estaest, the whole fucking she-bang. Except in the 50's my great-grandfather died and left all his money to the Mormons.

the fucking Mormons. jeezus.

I think my grandma on my mothers side was the daughter of an Irish diplomat as well. blue blood in my vines, but not a penny to my name.

girth/length etc
(Mildred is a slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 12:02, Reply)

I met the Queen
....when I was about 4 or 5. She visited my school, and for reasons known only to the teachers, the entire school had to dress up Victorian-style for her visit - not just us kids, you understand, the classrooms were also decorated and the teachers put on an all-singing, all-dancing musical spectacular for Her Highness. I do have one theory that due to a breakdown of communication, the organisers believed it was actually the reanimated corpse of Queen Victoria that was visiting - who knows?

Anyway, my memories of it consist of rather haunting visions of my teachers singing 'Daisy, Daisy' while swaying and waving their hands and me getting angry because my parents wouldn't let me wear a flatcap even though all my friends had one (they were too common, apparently).

But I'm getting to the point. My particular job was to sit on the grass and play marbles - a challenging task, of course. I have no recollection of the next part, but I'm told by all relatives present that one such marble became temporarily misplaced, and Queen Lizzy, having just wandered over, pointed and said "It's over there!".

So there you go. Queen Elizabeth II helped me when I lost my marbles.
(The Worminator I have discovered that Quavers are nice, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 11:41, Reply)

Die
A few years ago I was on my scooter with a camera in Paris.
Fucking hell that bitch can drive fast.
I got quite close to her. Didn’t get a quote though!
(waxdart hello., Mon 7 Aug 2006, 11:01, Reply)