Builder Phil and site shenanigans
Apologies for repost, but this deserves another airing:

One of Phil's builder workmates is a notorious trickster and delights in the grossest kinds of japes imaginable. He starts one morning by handing out Opal Fruits which are declined all round by knowing parties until one gulliable sort takes a sweet and puts it in his mouth, but his suspicions are aroused when he notices that everyone is wincing at him.

"Wot? Wot the fahk's up with you lot?" enquired the unfortunate chap.

Turned out that the Opal Fruit had been inserted in a builder's bum before being carefully resealed in it's wrapper.

"You fahkkin' dirty kahnt!" screams the victim, who swears blind vengence and the next day pisses in the half full milk bottle of his tormentor.

Naturally our prankster is none to impressed to be on the receiving end and hatches the most devious and nasty of plots. The next evening he returns home and engages in coitus with his wife who was in a rather delicate time of the month. This last detail was essential to the revenge, declining a shower the next morning, our site prankster turns up at the site portakabin and smears his ripe knob all over the inside of his victim's tea mug.

"Fahkkin 'ell, anyone checked the fahkin' milk today? I fink it's gone orf. My tea dunnarf smell cheesy"

I'm told the ensuing punch up took five people to subdue.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:49, 1 reply)

Failure..
At my friend's wedding a few years back..

Before the main ceremony started (and after the bride and groom were already there, but in seperate rooms), a group of friends and I decided to redecorate the groom's Mini..

We covered it in shaving foam (even drawing some rather risky drawings), tied stuff the the arial, and tied cans to the rear bumper. Normal sort of thing.

Then, we had the service, and went to the reception.. A few hours later, everyone went back the cars. We got to the mini. Which was worryingly free of shaving foam. We looked at the Mercedes next door. It was covered in shaving foam. Obviously, the wind had blown the foam on to the Mercedes.

Another sort of prank we pulled that day (on another mate, who was the best man), worked.

During his speech, the best man was looking to us (his mates) for our reactions to his speech. As arranged earlier, we all set that and didn't react visibly to the speech. When he came over later, the best man just said "You're all bastards..".
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:48, 1 reply)

Housemate cruelty
Sent him a spoof e-mail from Microsoft saying they had detected pirate Windows running on his PC and some highly illegal porn which they have reported to the appropriate law enforcement authorities.

Bloke goes in his room to check e-mail. Doesn't come out for an hour. When he does he has a hard disk with him, which he is intending to dump on his way to PC World, where he is headed to buy a retail copy of Windows and a new disk.

Then we tell him. He is not amused. But we are.
(rogerzilla, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:46, Reply)

this was really bad
My friend and I alex in pre school were in the same year as a kid called dave (names changed) with cerebal palsey (spelling yikes) or something similar i cant remember now but the point is he had one of those motorised scooter things you see old bastards on to get around between classes.It was one the wettest days of the year and lunchtimes had us stranded in classrooms or just milling about Now being the hideous evil little twunts we were we decided to have some fun. A decision was made that we would steal Daves scooter and go joyriding. Thats not the worst bit, after we had worked out our plan we got one of the girls to act as a decoy while alex nicked the key from daves bag. Que to preteen boys running out of the room, stealing the buggy and driving off down the halls. (when im pissed and i tell this story i claim there was wheel spin.) After a lap of two of school we thought fuck it and headed off to the playground, when we saw how flooded it was genius struck and we headed dead centre for the middle of the puddle that was taking up about 50% of the playground.
Still not sure if it was worth the suspension, the sopping wet clothes and my old man paying to get the electric motor fixed on daves buggy, but it still makes me laugh now. for the record im a horrible horrible human being!
(drew pea great minds like a think!, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:43, Reply)

YTS and Work Experience abuse
I think I've posted this b4 so soz if I have :(

We used to systematically abuse work experience peeps and YTS kids in an old computer games shop. It ranged from the usual prank errands ("Get some suppositories or however it's spelt from the chemists, there's a good lad") and pranks involving masking taping someone's Mars Bar with half a roll of tape to some downright evil ones.
My old neighbour, a nice enough lad called Daryl, wanted to do work experience with us. I had a chat to him and his mum and tried to talk him out of it (as I knew we were a bunch of feckers) but no, his heart was set on gaming for 2 weeks.

He didn't make it.

Within the short time he was there we had;

1 - Run out of the bog standard practical jokes. I mean he was just taking them; he was like a prank-sponge.
2 - Hidden most of his stuff randomly around the shop floor and got him to play "Treasure Hunt".
3 - Got him to re-do the large shop window display. When he was in there we locked the door, went outside the shop and stuck a bit of paper on the window with the words "DO NOT FEED THE ANIMAL" written on it. We left him there for 1/2 an hour.

The crunch surprisingly happened on the next prank which resulted in him storming out of the shop never to return.

4 - We had an office toilet which was right down the back of the store; twas a good 20 yards away from the shop floor and at the end of a long bendy corridor looping around the back of the building. One thing with this small toilet room was that there was a small ground-floor window which was unprotected. So the solution for this was to bolt the OUTSIDE of the door, rather than barring the window (and making the building more secure). It meant that when Daryl was comfily having a poo one of the lads walked past the outside of the toilet and quietly locked him in.
20 yards away we were back on the shop floor listening to shouting eminating from the back. For a few minutes we all laughed, then the shouting turned to screaming. Pure fear containing screams, echoing through the corridor to our ears. Somethings not right here....
A few minutes later one of the guys eventually thinks "Ok, maybe he's had enough" and walked out to the toilet, unlocking the door. Daryl walks straight down the corridor, tears streaming down his now purple face and straight out of the shop, never to return. "Uh oh, we broke it" says Chris.

I get home from work and go straight around Daryl's house, trying to find out what happened. Turns out that Daryl was highly claustrophobic and nearly had a nervous breakdown being locked in the small toilet room for 3/4's of an hour.

Well I did warn the daft fecker, the mum was witness to that.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:36, Reply)

Big Foot
When I was a lad, I used to share a bedroom with my two brothers. At the time, the most favoured TV series in our house was the Six Million Dollar Man, with Lee Majors and one of the recurring themes was Big Foot (god know why, thinking about it now). There were many scenes where Big foot walked through what can only be described as a kaleidoscopic, psychedelic rotating light tunnel into his secret base or something. And every step he took sent out a resounding “boom boom” noise.
I used to wait until my brother was almost asleep and then start breathing loud and deep, before emulating the inevitable “boom boom” noises. I even livened the nightmare up by shining a torch I had against his side of the bedroom. One of those torches that you could clip various satanic-like faces on to.
I still feel the stifling guilt thirty years later, seeing a terrified five year old brother screaming against the wall whilst I made Big Foot impressions…
He brought it up a while ago. I don’t think I scarred him for life or anything as he finds it funny now!
Shit, was a really such a bastard as a kid?
(Ghostlight, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:36, Reply)

Once upon a time...
...during one of those gap-year trekking holidays in the 3 world where everyone wears beads...

We had just completed an exhausting saunter through thick jungle - trudging through knee-deep mud and hacking our way through the innocent carbon-swallowing vegetation with our lovely machetes. Upon arriving back in civilisation, a good hard sleep was in order. It was a particularly good sleep for the fat boy who overslept everyone else for a couple of hours and was seemingly unwakeable.

We did the obvious thing: using our stash of condoms - which we were hoarding in case we might have to walk through a jungle river (you don't want to know what sort of things might swim up what sort of places in jungle rivers) - we carefully placed the empty wrappers around the body whilst draping the unravelled rubbers across his chest, shoulders and belly. Having filled them a little with aftersun lotion (so similar to jizz in colour and consistency that they must surely use it in blockbuster films where jizz is required in the scene), we went one step further and dribbled it from his lips and eyebrow before taking a photo...

...and posting it to his mum.


And we weren't even drunk.
(dazsnow the "ever amazing" - cowjam said so once, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:32, 1 reply)

BOO! – (or ‘Simple, but effective, the art of making someone jump out of their skin whilst simultaneously shitting their pants’).
This is the story of two friends of mine, brothers called Craig & Trevor. When they were young they were close, but choc-full-to-the-brim of the healthy, mentalist competitive edge and sense of one-upmanship that pushes sibling rivalry into the farthest stratosphere of knob-rottery.

Like so many stories of this type (which you will no doubt be subjected to this week), this ongoing series of pranks started off small and harmless, before snowballing into the depths of the ridiculous and ever intensifying dangerous proportions.

Now, nobody really 'likes it' when something or somebody makes them ‘jump’. From the controlled conditions of the cinema whilst watching a horror flick, which serves for your ladyfriend an opportunity to give your arm a squeeze and make you appear all manly-like, to the real-life sudden-shock scenarios where you feel like your heart will burst from your chest.

Either way, the fear and uncertainty of the unknown when coupled with it’s effect on our survival instincts creates the most unpleasant gut-wrenching reaction.

Then again, when it happens to somebody else, that’s different. Watching somebody shit their pants with fright when you know that all is actually perfectly safe…well, that’s just as funny as fuck.

So…back to Craig & Trevor.

Who knows who started it, for all we know it could’ve been accidental, but one of them at one point, had a genuine fright and ‘jumped’ in full view of the other.

In the way that pretty much everybody does, his shoulders shot up over his ears, his eyes opened wide and he shuddered whilst shouting “WAHUHUUHURGH!”

His brother, instead of offering support and understanding, felt that this merely highlighted what a girly wimpo wuss-bandit his brother was; therefore he decided that the only decent thing to do was to submit said brother to be subject of much mirth and general pisstaking.

Unfortunately, brother one wasn’t having any of that…he understandably believed that anybody, despite how ‘hard as nails’ they were, would ‘jump’ under those circumstances and indeed, he knew he was ‘all man’.

Therefore, the thoughts of revenge began to fester and the cycle of retaliation started.

It begins.

To start with, one of them would hide behind a door…as the other walked in, they would jump out and shout:

“RAAAAARGH!”

The other brother would quite justifiably jump 3 feet into the air and squawk:

“WAHUHUUHURGH!” before following with a statement such as “You utter bastard, you nearly gave me a fucking heart-attack!”

Then much laughter would ensue.

Now , there’s no real problem with this, and it continued happily for a while, but unfortunately they adjusted, evolved if you will, and before long neither of them would open any sort of door without creeping round and checking with a look of total paranoid expectation.

So things had to change.

They would procure themselves at ever more difficult positions using increasingly complex tools, techniques and alibis to accomplish the goal of:

Brother 1:“RAAAAARGH!”
Brother 2: “WAHUHUUHURGH!”

It started to get worse…and out of control.

Trevor had noticed that Craig had accumulated a pile of clothes next to his bed (his washing ‘to do’ pile). After informing his parents of what he was going to do (and getting their blessing – how great is that?) he hid under the pile of clothes one evening while his brother was out.

He waited…..and waited.

When Craig got home, his mum & dad informed him that Trevor had already gone to bed. Blissfully dismissive of the huge pile of clothes and wotnot by his bed, and completely unaware that Trevor was lurking underneath, Craig slumped into his own bed and prepared for a good night’s sleep…

Trevor meanwhile waited silently beside…not even daring to breathe…waiting for the moment to strike.

Craig let out a big sigh, rolled over towards the pile of clothes, sighed again…and

“RAAAAARGH!” Trevor dived out of the pile of clothes and grabbed Craig.

“FAAAAAAAARRRRGHHH!!!!” Screamed Craig, leaping into the air like someone had inserted a red hot cattleprod up his arse. Not fully conscious and without even looking back to acknowledge who had done this, he catapulted himself out of his bedroom and yelped down the stairs whereupon he was greeted by two parents bursting kidneys with laughter.

As he slowly stopped shaking and began to regain some composure, the slow realisation of what had happened slapped him in the face like a wet haddock.

“What’s going on? Whaaa?........YOU BASTARD TREVOR!!!”

Now you might think that still to this point, this was not a particularly ‘evil’ run of prankery and you’d be right….there’s dedication, maybe a touch of obsession, but no ‘Evil’ as such.

Here’s where it falls off the total deep end.

Craig waited…and plotted. We all know revenge is a dish best served cold and Craig was prepared to bide his time. As the months passed by, Craig finally hit upon the ultimate ‘Boo’ prank…

He would get him in the car. Whilst he was driving. Oh yes.

Craig went out for the day, knowing that Trevor was going to be at home until late in the evening when he would be going out and taking the car.

To avoid any possibility of missing the opportunity due to Trevor leaving early, Craig sneaked into the back of the car with about an hour to spare. He covered himself with a few coats and assorted rubbish then lay in the dark, motionless in the rear footwells. he waited…

As cramp started to set in…he waited…and didn’t move…this was his chance and he wasn't about to blow it by moving.

As time ticked on…he waited.

Suddenly, he heard the door ‘click’ and squinting from the corner of his hideaway he managed to see Trevor merrily climb into the drivers seat, start the car and slowly drove away.

After a few yards (and with a complete disregard for his own safety given the possible reactions of what was going to happen), Craig gently and silently creeps up from the footwell, then quick as a flash swung his left arm around Trevor’s neck and grabbed him.

“RAAAAARGH!”

“WAAAARRRGHHHFUCKINGFUCKINGHELLAAAAARRRGHH-HELP-ME-ARRRGH!!!!!!” Wailed Trevor, with his head belting the car ceiling as he tries to evacuate both his bowels and his own skin at the same time.

But it doesn’t end there. Before Craig even has time to start laughing, Trevor in his blind panic has opened the door and jumped from the moving car, rolling into the road before bounding up and sprinting away…leaving Craig abandoned in the back seat, cruising towards the nearest garden wall.

The car had just mounted the kerb by the time Craig had clambered in the front and stopped it, by which time Trevor was nowhere to be seen.

Suffice to say, the ‘Boo’ pranks stopped from that day on.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:32, Reply)

Work pranks, Part 2.
As I've mentioned before, I work for a semiconductor manufacturing plant. (See www.b3ta.com/questions/dirtysecrets/post91344 for details.) For those of you not familiar with what a wafer of silicon is like, imagine an 8" circle of silvery glass about one millimeter thick- extremely fragile, and after they've been processed a bit, extremely expensive.

One night one of the polishers had an alarm and I had to manually recover the wafers from the deptchs of the machine and place them into their cassette so they could be finished processing. As one of the maintenance guys came in he said, "Well? Get 'em all out?"

"Getting the last one now," I replied, straightening up with a cassette in one hand and a wafer in the other. "Here, take a look at this one and tell me what you think." And with that I tossed the wafer to him like a frisbee.

It clanged as it hit the floor, and his eyes were about the size of wafers as he watched it hit. And then he realized that it was the aluminum dummy wafer that the maintenance guys used when rebuilding the polishing heads.

Never before or since have I been called a bastard with such sincerity...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:30, Reply)

Before I wrote about what my dad used to have a boat
And when I was younger we'd sometimes sail it out and sleep overnight inside.
One morning after staying over in the yaht, I got dressed and made my way out on to the deck.

I can't remember what happened next, but somehow my dad got my Knickers that I had been wearing the previous day and hoisted them up to the top of the mast.

Passing boats found it hilarious. I, on the other hand, did not.
( Lollylegs lite, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:21, Reply)

Have a smooth refreshing glass of toilet water!
Fairly new to the US Army, newly arrived at my duty station in Japan, I was working in an Army hospital/emergency room. (I was a medic.)

There was a sergeant who was assigned as my supervisor, who pretended to be my buddy. Always clapping me on the shoulder and smiling... You know the type.

Quite overweight himself, he was in danger of being booted out of the Army, but he was going behind my back and trying to get ME kicked out, in a desperate and futile ploy to make himself look better.

One day, he came over to my barracks room. I lived in a barracks across from the base gym. All sweaty and nasty, "Hey, buddy! *pant pant*" and sat his funky, sweat-dripping, nasty arse down on my BUNK!! Grrrrr....

An evil plan hatched itself in my mind.. "Gee, Sergeant," I said, "You look like you could use some water!"

"Thanks!! pant pant... puff puff..."

I went into the latrine, ran the water in the sink, scooped up a glass of water from the toilet bowl, then turned off the sink, dried the outside of the glass, and carried it out to him.

He drank it down like it was Dom Perignon. He left, shortly after, thanking me for the water.

I laughed until tears were squirting out of my eyes.

Shortly after, I received a much-envied transfer to the local aviation unit, (doing medevac), and the "good sergeant" was bounced out of the Army for being fat.

Karma's a bitch!
(Jeepgun, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:14, Reply)

Pranks on my kids, Part 2.
Imagine that you're a boy, nine years old.

Imagine that you're spending the night at a friend's house, but don't have a change of clothes or toothbrush, so you call Dad and ask him to bring them to you.

Imagine being upstairs with your friend and his older sister when Dad arrives with a paper bag and is brought upstairs by the friend's mother.

Now imagine Dad saying "I wasn't sure what underwear to bring- these are yours, right?" and producing a pair of briefs with the Red Power Ranger striking a dramatic pose on the seat.

I wonder if he remembers throwing them at me and trying to beat me...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:14, Reply)

Windows background
I'm sure everyone has done it, but there was a stupid girl at my old job who always fell for it..

When she wasn't looking, I took an image of her windows desktop, set it as the background and then hid all the icons - took the dumb bitch ages to work out what was going on as she was frantically clicking icons that didn't work.
(mejt, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:13, 1 reply)

Reminded by Clowns Pocket
As I have already mentioned, I held the title of Master Prankster in high school. Not undeserved I may add. Even if some of them were pretty lame. I digress.

In year 10 or 11 I think it was, we had design technology and the teacher was an absolute twunt and had many rumors started about him (My favorite was that he was caught jerking off behind the boys changing rooms.)

Anyways, there was a lad that annoyed the hell out of me. So me, Craig and Matty decided to lock him in the cupboard before the teacher got it. We did, and we sealed (well, tried to) the door with the industrial strength glue. Didn't work so we just lodged a stool between the handles.

Anwyays, after about 10 minutes and just before Mr. Bastow came in, he gave up on trying to get out. The lesson went on for well over half an hour until the teacher noticed there was a stool wedged in the door handle of a cupboard.

The look we got when Ryan got out was priceless.
( Hokerou, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:12, 1 reply)

Lockers
High school. April Fool's day. My friend Mike and I, between the two of us, knew several of our friends' locker combinations. We decided to play a prank. We impaled large pickles on the coat hooks in some people's lockers, and left the pickle jar (containing one pickle, a la the homeless guy on "In Living Color") in someone else's. Smeared peanut butter down the inside of the door of others. One guy we didn't like got a tin of catfood dumped out on his shelf, covered liberally in powdered laundry detergent. Sometimes we'd find in one person's locker a note with other people's combinations scrawled on it, so we kept going like a chain reaction for a little while.

The evil part? We also did this to our own lockers, treating ourselves slightly worse than average, but, there was one girl pretty much at the center of this social web, and we didn't do a thing to her locker.
(chase, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:09, 1 reply)

Not me, my dad.
When I was a very young Loon my father had the most dreadful Halloween mask I've ever seen. It was a full face mask with long wispy grey hair that came back from it and was ashy grey with sunken cheeks and two staring holes for the eyes- in other words, like a week-old cadaver. It scared the hell out of me as a child, and still gives me a chill to think about.

Up the road from our house was Mrs. McGinty, a fairly young widow whose husband had died not many years ago. A very sweet woman, really- I knew her fairly well and really liked her.

So what does Dad do? He puts on this mask at about 10:00 and sneaks up to her house as she's watching TV and starts making scratching noises at her window. Annoyed and expecting teenagers, she opens the curtains to see a large corpse wearing an Army jacket clawing at the glass...

I met up with her twenty years later, and she still hadn't forgiven him.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:07, Reply)

Scuba Diving
When I was at Uni I went on a scuba holiday to Scotland (bloomin' cold) with some mates.

We were completely reckless with our safety: Dive in the morning, spend the afternoon in the pub, dive in the evening / at night whilst HAMMERED. On one of these occasions my buddy and I spotted another pair from our group below us, so we snuck up behind them and buddy switched off one guy's air for a few seconds.

Revenge was had on him, though, as post-pub we decided to do a rapid descent dive with the intention of getting 'narked'. Dumping all bouyancy 4 of us dropped like stones to about 10m and sat on the bottom. Almost immediately my buddy goes straight back to the surface like a Polaris missile in a cloud of bubbles. The other two were laughing (not easy underwater). One of them had cracked up the emergency bottle on my buddy's jacket and inflated it!
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:04, 3 replies)

Polyfilla pants
Back in my youth (all of 10 years ago) when I was a smelly unwashed punk, one of our group had a habit of falling asleep and pissing himself afer a hard session on white cider and whatever other alcoholic substances where to hand. As usual night would start with around 10 of us at a mates house with 2litres of laser/ diamond white each before heading to the pub then back to my mates house for my cider and perhaps some weed if we were lucky (being scummy punks most were out of work or poorly paid)

Anyway, after one session Mr PissyPants had wet himself one time to many. Its not nice waking up to creeping wetness to a piss-soaked comatose mate at the best of times but this time was on a new sofa kindly donated by someones mother. Mr PissyPants was moved to the floor, his pants removed and his cock and pubes smothered with polyfilla and his jeans pulled back up.

I went home before he woke up but was informed that he was not a happy chappy.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:01, Reply)

Canadian Winter Fun
An old hall of residence trick we used to pass the time:
1) Pee on a baking sheet;
2) Leave it outside to freeze in the inclement winter climate;
3) Slide frozen pee off baking sheet and under a friend's locked door;
4) Enjoy the bemused look of friend on discovery of a pee-soaked carpet;
5) Enjoy a beating upon telling said friend the intricacies of the prank.
(Lord Blumpy is mildly off-topic on, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:00, 4 replies)

College pranks, Part 2.
Actually, we did this in high school, but what the hell...

There's this stuff called nitrogen tri-iodide. I'll leave it to you to find out on your own how to make it- but it's a very highly unstable compound, and when it explodes it turns everything in the immediate vicinity purple and will not wash off. And it takes almost nothing to make it explode.

We used to paint it on the undersides of the toilet seats in the girls' bathrooms. We could always spot our victims in gym class...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 16:59, 4 replies)

Never tell kids your deepest fears
In school a guy called Reggie told us he was claustrophobic. Stupid boy. He was locked in cupboard at the back of the classroom and the door was wedged shut.

Fairplay to him, he managed to sit in there comfort rocking and thinking of wide open spaces for a while.

This is boring thought I, we'd expected screams and tears so with a borrowed can of hairspray I got out my lighter and fired the improvised flamethrower through the keyhole.

Reg kicked both doors off their hinges in a superhuman effort to escape and I was in detention for 2 weeks, evil enough?
(clowns_pocket, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 16:56, 2 replies)

Be there in a Jif
Many moons ago, I worked in a double glazing factory. My job was to sand and polish the upvc window frames, quite a boring job but allowed you to switch off and let your mind go a-wanderin.

Old joe also worked doing the same job, he was 190 if he was a day. One of those blokes old school, gave as good as he gets.

Anyho, one particular day, me and another lad Jason had been watching Joe and he had finished sanding a frame and was ready to polish it. At this point Jason lured Joe away from his bench and I set about the dastardly deed.

The tools we used were air powered and the polisher had a massive bristle head that you could pull apart, so I got hold of a bottle of Jif and proceeded to pull the bristles apart and apply plenty of the white stuff.

By the time i'd finished, the bristle head was sopping with Jif, anyway Joe came back, plugged in the buffer and continued with his work.

At this point I actually turned away as I was trying my damndest not to laugh, thinking about it as I type it still makes me chuckle.

All I heard was the buffer give a whirr (these things spin round at some fuck-off rpm) and Joe scream "You Bastards!!"

I turned round to see Joe, white from the waist up, he took his glasses off and that was it, everyone pissed themselves laughing, he joined in to, christ it was funny!!

The following day, I walked into the rest room for my dinner, I looked for my lunchbox wasn't in my bag. Shouted whose got my lunch, next thing I heard was the cross cut saw starting up, you guessed it, there was Joe grinning like a maniac with my lunch box. He crouched down and chopped it in half, my can of pop exploded and sarnies went everywhere.

Apologies for length, but had to get Joe's prank in as well!!
(Skeksis 2nd place is 1st loser....., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 16:54, Reply)

I voted for George W Bush in 2000.
Take that, world.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 16:51, 1 reply)

Work pranks, Part 1.
Before becoming an actual engineer, I spent a lot of years as a draftsman in the pre-CAD days. Two pranks that were unusually vicious spring to mind:

As this was the era before Windows became prevalent, we did a lot of our work on computers running MS DOS. A favorite prank was to go to an unoccupied computer that was blinking C: and type in "Formatting C:..." and walk away. Guaranteed to result in a scream of "Nooooooo!" and a frantic lunge for the power switch.

Some background for the second prank: in the old days, if you needed to make a copy of a map you took a sheet of mylar sepia (which was mylar with a photosensitive coating) and ran it with the original through a print machine, then developed the sepia by running it through an ammonia bath. Where light didn't hit, the coating turned black- so you got a contact print of your original map. Part of the process, if you were splicing together two maps to make one, involved using mylar sepia that did not have a matte finish on it, so it was like thick Saran wrap- a shiny clear sheet of plastic which would end up with nice black markings on it that you could then cut up and stick together with transparent tape to make your new map.

We took a chunk of the clear sepia and ran it, unexposed, through the ammonia bath to produce a shiny black sheet of plastic. We then cut it into a flowing blob shape to resemble spilled ink.

When someone was at lunch we would take this chunk of plastic and put it on the map they had been working on, with their drafting pen sitting on top of it, then wait for the screams...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 16:51, 1 reply)

Me and my friend...
had a prank competition. He stole all of my lightbulbs so I snuck into his house in the middle of the night and beheaded all of his family. I think i won#

Edit: ok my bad, didn't occur to me that this is;
a) not funny
and
b)bindun

Apologies
(Ketzer, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 16:49, Reply)

several
I was a bit of a nasty studenty flatmate in the past!

I've peppered my flatmates pizza with laxatives only to watch open jawed as his girlfriend eats it

I've sneaked into other halls and taken all the chocolate (about 2 kg) from their kitchen and dumped it in their tumble drier. I saw the resolidified mess the next day and felt ver verr guilty.

sellotaped an upturned drawing pin to a black plastic chair and then even took the care to colour the pin in black. Never laughed so hard in my entire life - the immediate look of pain and confusion on his countenance which can only be translated as "I'll never trust a chair again" will ensure I'm buried with a grin on my face
(witterquick, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 16:47, Reply)

Spunky Monkey
Years back (must have been, I still had hair) my mate Phil developed a novel strategy for pulling women. This strategy took the form of an uber-cute glove puppet monkey, called 'Spunky' which Phil would use to lure unwitting ladies into his ghastly clutches.

Initially this had novelty value, until Phil insisted in taking Spunky everywhere with him, even when there were no women for Phil to lure.

One evening, while crashing at a mate's house after a night on the piss, we decided that enough was enough...Spunky had to go, and in the most spectacular style possible. So with Phil momentarily distracted (I think somebody waved a piece of tinfoil on some string in front of him) I grabbed said monkey and pegged it upstairs to lock myself in the bathroom, followed by Phil screaming for his monkey.

Once in the bathroom, I shoved Spunky down the back of my trousers, flushed the loo and unlocked the door. Phil burst in and lunged his hand down the toilet to try and rescue poor Spunky, but alas he was gone...

Phil, understandably, was a little put out by this and went back downstairs to sulk. Taking advantage of this, I sidled quietly to the kitchen and got to work. One breadknifing later, and Spunky's head was detached from his body. Having then put out one of his eyes (I never liked the way that monkey looked at me), I liberally splashed the decapitated spunky with red food colouring, then snuck back upstairs.

Later that night, when Phil went to go to bed (still in a sulk), the silence of the night was shattered with a scream of 'YOU BASTARDS!' as Phil discovered his beloved monkey's head on his pillow along with a note reading 'Daddy, daddy! Look what they've done to me! The Horror, The Horror.'

Ahhhh, happy days.

Though short-lived, two weeks later 'gropey trunky' the elephant made his debut...
(clockworkkillbot, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 16:40, 3 replies)

College pranks, Part 1
Back in the 1980s I went to college at a small forestry school in the northern Adirondacks. Yes, it's true, the Resident Loon could literally have been a lumberjack rather than an engineer- but that's another story.

Anyway, as one would expect at a small college in the middle of nowhere with a primarily male population and easy access to dangerous things, strange games abounded on campus, such as axe throwing competitions in the hallways. And, as one would expect, there were some particularly brutal pranks pulled.

One night a rather chubby and nerdy kid (whose name escapes me and who really should not have been in forestry, to be honest) was awakened by violent pounding on his door. Being about three in the morning, he opened the door in his underwear while not actually conscious.

And Brian was on the other side with a chainsaw that he ripped to life and ran up between the kid's legs.

The kid gave a falsetto howl and wet himself as he danced backward while Brian slashed at his arms and belly with the saw, and collapsed backward onto his bed.

Brian about wet himself as well, laughing as he turned off his chain-less saw.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 16:40, 2 replies)

Snot sample
My husband had to have nose surgery to stop him snoring. He had to go to the hospital for a check-up about a week before the op was due. So I wrote a script and got a friend to ring him up. The conversation went something like:

Friend (putting on Scottish accent): Mr Safetyfox, this is Nurse Biggins from the ENT department. You were here earlier for your check up. I'm afraid we forgot to ask you for a mucus sample. We need it to make sure there won't be a reaction to the drugs.

Husband: Oh... OK. Erm... by 'mucus' you mean 'snot', right?

Friend: Yes, that's right. Please just blow your nose into a piece of cling film and send it to the ENT department at [address]. Thank you bye.

At this point we were wetting ourselves laughing and had to get off the phone before he began to suspect us. When he got home that evening, he said to me, 'You'll never guess what happened... I've got to send some snot to the hospital! and the nurse on the phone sounded really nice. I think she liked me. I could tell she was laughing.'

At that point I could no longer contain my own laughter, which is why some unfortunate postroom worker at the Kent and Sussex hospital was spared having to open a snot-filled blob of cling film.
( Safetyfox, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 16:35, Reply)