You know those people...
That never ask if they can have something you might be enjoying, like a soda? THey just pick it up and take a swig?

Well, I was in high school and my lunch table was all football players. We also ALL dipped (chewed tobacco...it was the US in the 80's, so it was 'cool'). So a few of us shared a spit cup (I know, absolutely disgusting, oh well)and on the day in question, the Captain of the Cheerleading squad sauntered over to our table to be 'cool' I guess.

She sat on my lap and just reached out for the cup I had just placed on the table and took a swig.

Then her eyes got very large.

On her way to the bathroom, she threw up three times. Thats about 50 feet.

Oh how we laughed...right up until the three of us got called to the Principals office. D'oh!
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 21:32, Reply)

At 3am on the first of April
I told my sleepy girlfriend I had something important to tell her. She went silent, then asked "Are you seeing someone else?" I didn't reply, thinking that it was far better to let her run with whatever her imagination had cooked up instead of inventing something myself. She started to get hysterical: "Have you slept with her?!?" This time, I merely grunted, not seeking to confirm or deny it, but she'd already convinced herself.

She started crying and leapt out of bed. She was halfway through packing her things before I managed to mutter "April Fool" through barely suppressed laughter.

Turns out she was cheating on me anyway with the person she always denied cheating on me with...so I guess the joke was on me, but it was fucking hilarious at the time.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 21:15, Reply)

The Old Circular Saw Trick.
Once when a mate pissed me off i crept into his room at 2am, quietly plugged in a handheld circular saw, held it 3 inches above his face, and turned it on.

It was rather loud.

He didn't appreciate the humour of it (even though I had the blade guard on).

Instead he shat his bed.
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 21:12, Reply)

Gig dates
A friend of mine at school was a big fan of a certain Irish rock band whose name ends with a question mark. One week he let it be known that he had joined their official fan club, but hadn't received anything back from them yet, so mischievous as I was, and also a dab hand with CorelDRAW, I skilfully reproduced their logo at the time (two question marks forming a heart), knocked up some headed notepaper and sent him a letter purportedly from the fan club. It said that the band would be playing a secret gig at the local civic hall, and as a new member of the fan club, there would be two tickets waiting for him at the door. Now a more cautious person might have called ahead to the venue to ensure that said gig would actually be taking place. Not our hero. Apparently his dad was a fan too and drove him the 20 or so miles to the venue, only to be told that there was no such gig that night. He was, as you can imagine, extremely pissed off.

I owned up some time later, and he's just added me as a friend on facebook, but I doubt he's ever forgiven me.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 21:08, Reply)

Don't know if this counts
Most of last week's QOTW was fine, and a few made me laugh really hard. Especially the one about the metal bowl.

But, a couple of people posted stories of how they were *intentionally* cruel to animal(s), in disgustingly over-the-top ways. My prank? I clicked "ignore".
(chase, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 20:53, 1 reply)

Mmmm, yummy crisps!
I was up to this and that in Undergrad days of yore at an Architecture school that rhymes with 'Fartlett', when I found a dead sparrow on a windowsill. I decided to remove said dead bird and placed it in the nearest receptacle that came to hand... an empty crisp packet.

I was walking through the studios to put it in a bin and spied a girl who I thought was a bit up herself. So I walked past her holding the open packet, pretending to munch on a tasty potato crisp. Of course, without so much as a "Golly, Pastor, those sure look like mighty fine crisps! Might I possibly have one?", she shoved a scrawny mitt straight into the packet.

She let out a blood-curdling scream and ran off in floods of tears. I got a bollocking because, naturellement, she went blubbing straight to the Feds, and had to apologise nicely, but it was pretty funny.
( PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Fri 14 Dec 2007, 20:15, Reply)

My uncle Scott came back from his Honeymoon
to find that we had placed plastic cups half filled with water through the entirety of their house

and built a solid brick wall in front of his garage door that contained his brand new Motorbike that had been delivered when he was away and hadn't ridden yet

then they sent him an invoice for the work

he didn't pay it
( SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 20:02, Reply)

Orange Tango
I suppose I was about nine or ten at the time and have a younger brother who I always enjoyed being cruel to. One very hot summers day whilst playing in the park I found a rather mint looking Orange Tango can then decided that peeing into it and offering it too my brother would be a fun game.

Sadly my brother declined my kind offering having seen what I'd done and offered it to one of our fellow chums who gladly took the beverage and began to drink. He must have drank half the can before he actually tasted the liquid and vomited on the spot, proclaiming "Its Piss!". How did he know it was Piss? had he tasted it before? I went home and prayed that night.
(piercee100, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 19:49, Reply)

I really don'y know why i did this...
Tell your girlfriend that you're moving to Scotland and you're leaving her in London.....its funny for about 5 minutes.

*warning*dont drag it out too long could turn nasty*warning*

p.s.we're honestly good friends now
(kristofski6992, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 19:47, Reply)

In the groove
My father was a teacher in a tough Glasgow school. One day, some of his wee darling pupils decided that it would be entertaining to put a drawing pin on his seat. He didn't notice it, and sat down.

Luckily, however, the pin went straight up the gap between his buttocks, so he didn't feel a thing. He did, however, notice some interesting looks on his pupils faces, so he stayed sitting until the end of the lesson - until after they had left the room - when he discovered the truth.

Which is how he got a reputation as a man so tough that he could sit on a drawing pin for forty minutes without flinching. No discipline problems after that, oh deary me no.
(ubergeekian, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 19:40, 2 replies)

"Where's Mandy?"
My brother's stag night, a couple of years ago. Many drinks, much hilarity, gradually winding down in our hotel lobby.
When my brother's future brother-in-law pipes up: "Look as this phone I found in the club. It's a nice one, I might keep it". He hands it round.

It might have been a nice phone, but of course all we really wanted was its number.

Bro-in-law pockets the new toy and forgets about it. About 30 minutes later, it starts ringing: "You should answer it" we say. "Maybe it'll be the owner and you can give it back".

So he answers it.

"Where's Mandy?? Are you with my bird? Who the fuck are you - put that slag on the phone NOW!" shouts the guy at the other end. Brother in law stammers a few pleasantries and hangs up, looking slightly pale.

A few minutes later it rings again, with a similar, angry "you'd better not be with my bird" but this time throws in for good measure "I'm coming right down to your hotel with my mates and if I find Mandy with you I'm going to beat the shit out of you". Any remaining cockiness evaporates a second later, when Angry Boyfriend mentions the precise name and address of the hotel we're currently standing in.

He runs for his room, shitting himself.

So we say goodnight to him, and once he's out of sight our mate who'd actually made the calls reappears from just outside the hotel. Cue much hilarity.

Of course, we waited a few minutes, then went up to his room. Angry Boyfriend pounds on his door and shout "Mandy you bitch I know you're in there get out here NOW".

Imagine his surprise when he finally opens the door.....

He didn't live that one down for a while.
(Thomas_The_Spankengine, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 19:03, 1 reply)

Named and shamed
Some people can't resist going too far....

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/south_of_scotland/7142913.stm

Sorry for link, but I wasn't sitting writing all that lot out. And they tell it better anyway. Still, it only cost him £350, an appearance in court and a full write up on the BBC website. Don't mess with the cops up here!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Fri 14 Dec 2007, 18:38, 2 replies)

Eeeeevil neville
In no particular order of merit (not neccesarily evil, but meh)

- Wiping dogshit on a gate handle
- Lurching out of a cupboard in a darkened room like an extra from 28 Days Later, scaring my wife / flatmates / colleagues shitless
- Hitting someone in the knackers with an industrial air-compressor
- Feeding my brother laxative tea until he shat himself inside out
- Sneaking up behind a mate who was elbow deep in servers and cabling (all live) and shouting BANG in a very very loud voice (a perennial favourite with electricians and engineers - I was paralysed with laughter at his expression)
- Shaving a colleagues head but giving up halfway through, even though he was in such a stupor we hoovered his head with a dyson and he didn't even flinch (he looked like a ginger version of Nosferatu when we'd finished)
- Sniffing pager messages (easy when you know how) and calling back any juicy numbers pretending to be the pagee, quality entertainment with huge scope for mischief
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 18:26, Reply)

As a teenager I and friends would gather in a mates house to play games and smoke, but were plagued by this twat who would come to the house
and fall asleep. Not so annoying you might think, except he would do it right in the middle of everything and you could not wake him up!

So we took to doing various cruelties to the man as he slept to make ourselves feel better and hopefully make him think twice about doing it again, mainly inserting random objects into his clothing.

These include:

Inserting breakable crunchy items such as Monster Munch or biscuits into various parts of his clothing and taking bets upon which would break when, as he occasionally shifted about in his sleep. One of us got told off for cheating by the use of a feather under his nose. We did eggs once.

When he fell asleep on a leaking bean bag, slowly and creatively finding ways to get the leaking polystyrene balls that left the bag upon each of his stirrings into his clothing. Using rolled mags, plastic funnels and the less creative method of just stuffing them in there, he eventually became the (now flaccid) beanbag! Come his awakening, as he rose, he exploded in white, and as he wobbled upstairs to pee (his first job of every awakening) we heard a scream! Apparently they were even under his foreskin days later! We had a lot of vacuuming to do afterwards but it was well worth it.

Making up some wall paper paste with a splash of milk and with the aid of a child's toy (too complex to explain) squirting it into his underwear and then when he eventually awoke and found this mixture messing up his privates convincing him he had earlier had a wet dream right in front of everyone. I believe we used the phrase, 'Humping the carpet'.

And once covered him with a hot quilt, and then slowly but surely (as his positions allowed) removed his outer clothing until he was only in his undercracks, then removed the quilt and turned off the fire he was curled up in front of, and watched him awaken in the cold in front of everyone perplexed, semi naked, and not knowing where his clothes were nor why or when they went. We all played dumb like everything was normal and he was really confused for about a half hour.

For no good reason we once put on his helmet (he always arrived on a moped) and closed the tinted lid, and again, played dumb when he awoke confused and gasping.

Nothing ever stopped him BTW...
( ..wil, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 18:25, 2 replies)

The soup shower.
Unscrew your shower head. Insert 2/3 stock cubes. Re-attach shower head.

Wait for the next person to use the shower.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 18:02, 8 replies)

Uni Japes
Not me but a friends dad (sorry).

When he was at uni there was a kid who lived in their halls who was, shall we say, somewhat twitchy. For some reason he was incredibly paranoid and kept looking over his shoulder. His eyes would flicker nervously round the room.

To say he was highly strung was something of an understatement.
An evil plan was hatched and one day someone got into his room while he was making dinner in the kitchen.

The patient prankster waited under the bed until our nervous friend decided it was time for sleep. He undressed and hopped in and no sooner had he just started to drift off when a pair of hands suddenly reached up and gripped him, one coming from each side of the bed.

The screams must have been terrible.
(vibrating tuna, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 17:42, 2 replies)

Superglue
This sounds like an urban myth and I took it with a pinch of salt but it's a funny story anyway... Sort of.

Many moons ago a friend of mine and his cohorts used to go out to the pubs and onto the clubs in a nearby town. After the clubs, they'd always go back to one bloke's flat for a smoke and more drinks. A prank was always played on the first person to fall asleep and eventually it got to the stage of trying to stay awake for your own safety, a la A Nightmare on Elm Street.

The pranks started off as innocuous stuff like tying shoelaces together and the drawing of biro moustaches on top lips but slowly and surely moved up in severity. Next came the shaving off of half an eyebrow followed by a full one and then both eyebrows. Then came the dog licking food off a sleeping persons nether regions with accompanying Polaroid and so it went on.

The final straw came when one poor unfortunate fell asleep and the others in the room removed his trousers and underpants and superglued his scrotum to his leg. He awoke, panicking and the ambulance had to be called to separate bollock from limb. The ambulance crew managed to separate the tissue but the lad had to go to hospital to be checked out.

Before the ambulance drove away, the paramedic gave the rest of the revellers a serious roasting for being so stupid whilst they all stood and mumbled apologies with their heads down like naughty schoolboys.

Or so I'm told.
(Taunting Lunatics Belming at you since, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 17:41, Reply)

Not sure if these are evil pranks
or evidence of youthful sociopathy. Either way, two of my favourite Junior School passtimes;

01. Switching classroom lights off and leaving a dangling snotwire on them ready for the next switcher to enjoy.

02. Removing a sheet of toilet paper from the single-sheet dispenser, wiping a liberal helping of shit from my arse onto it and then carefully tucking it back in the dispenser.
( routine has perfected burgers, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 17:29, Reply)

Not done it YET... but I can't wait.
My Girlfriend is pregnant and is due in the middle of April. My Mum is very VERY excited about this as it's her first grandchild.
So... Come April the 1st I shall be making a very panicky phone call to Mum...

Me: "MUM, It's me! Mrs Maffers is in labour! We're on our way to the Hospital!"
Mum: "Oh my god! I'll be there right now! Oh my God Oh my God!!!"
Me: "ROFFLE LOLLERCOASTER!!!"
Mum: "YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!!"

I genuinely can't wait...

Length... 14/15 weeks to go.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 17:26, 4 replies)

Shaving foam
Here's an interesting one:

1. Buy a few cans of cheap shaving foam, and stick em in the freezer.

2. When you can feel it's all a solid block inside, take a hacksaw and cut it open (careful with the other good inside!)

3. take your frozen block of shaving foam and place it in someone's bed/sleeping bag/underwear drawer.

As the block warms up, all the gases still in the shaving foam will start to expand out again, and with a sudden WHOOSH their entire sleeping bag/whatever will be full of foam.
(emcake putting a donk on it since, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 17:19, 5 replies)

In School..
We had an old maths teacher who had a well known habit for picking up every penny he happened upon. so one day we all brought in as many pennies as we could and made a trail of them the whole way round the classroom, which said teacher followed intently.

"ah, i seem to have found a penny, thats lucky. oh, theres another one, and another, and another"

we laughed and laughed and he never caught onto the fact that someone was deliberately leading him about the place until he had accumulated £1+ in pennies. The senile mummy was several years overdue retirement.
(Pimp my Clown is going back to the future on, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 17:19, Reply)

Cones
Everyone knows students like to play with cones. A couple of friends of mine nabbed a couple while drunk and kept them outside their room.

We were walking up past the college building one day when we spotted a couple laying around, so we thought we'd help them and add to their collection, so they've now got 4 cones outside their room.

One night a few friends and I went a little silly. We raided our science site and managed a good 35 cones or so, which ended up outside their room. They weren't amused, especially when they couldn't get out. A few weeks later the police were having a 'cone amnesty' so you could take back any cones you'd taken off them without reprisal.
(emcake putting a donk on it since, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 17:16, Reply)

My dear old mum did a good one on me...
I'd been living with my grandmother all my teens, in part because of odd family issues I had nowt to do with, and in part because of schooling issues.

So anyway, I'd not visited my mum, stepdad and brothers for a good two months so I decided to ride the eight miles to their house and say a big hello. I knocked, and the door was answered by a stranger who said "Oh no, they all moved to Spain a few weeks ago." I was almost in tears as I stood there, thinking that my mum and family had all moved abroad without taking the time to say goodbye to me.*

Oh how we all laughed about it years later, when I'd finally tracked them down to their new address.

* It's all a true story. We get on ok now, somehow. Forgive and forget and all that, you know.
(clopinettes, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 16:37, 7 replies)

Halloween.
A uni friend of mine, was a little unhinged and told our friends that he had beaten me up for shagging his girlfriend, both of which were complete bollocks.(his girlfriend was rough as old boots and he couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag)
Slightly miffed about this, I decided to call his house and play the 'halloween' song, from a doll which my girlfriend had, down the phone to him.
He started effing and blinding down the phone, which amused me greatly.
So I decided to do it again and again and again, at all times of day and night.
It got so bad, that he got the police to put a trace on the line.
But he told me about it, so I called him from payphones.
Eventually after a few months I got bored and the calls stopped, but only after he'd apologised profusely and admitted to our friends that he had made it all up.
Never did tell him either.
(henrya1, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 16:22, Reply)

When we were young
we knocked about with a guy who was from Hull at upper school ( us being southerners) he was a year older than us but was in our year cos he was a bit 'behind'

He was a good lad, everyone's mate, always had fags, money etc you get the picture.

Anyway there was a rumour at school he was leaving to join the Navy at the end of our GCSE's.

We had so many free study periods which we spent stoned, pissed and making prank calls or filling out life insurance forms, free inco pads for the saddo's at school who followed us around....

Anyway we decided to ring navy boy up from a phone box (pre mobile phones)

The telephone conversation went like this

Navy's boy mum : Hello

My Mate : (in a posh accent) Good afternoon may i speak to a mr Navy Boy please madam

Navy Boy's mum: who's calling?

My Mate: This is Admiral Whitehorse from the Navy

Navy Boy's Mum: Oh, one second i'll just go and get him

Navy Boy: Hello?

My Mate: Is this Mr Navy boy?

Navy Boy: Yes, can i help you?

My Mate: I'm afraid to say we are turning down your application for the Navy

Navy Boy: Why's that?

My Mate: ( still in his posh accent!) cos your ugly and your Northern!

Then my mate hung up!

there was 4 of us huddled round that phone box and we just pissed ourselves laughing, making me giggle now and this was 15 years ago..

Thinking about it was really cruel but that was a classic, totally unscripted!


He never did mention it the next day
(djgalaxe, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 16:17, Reply)

well it was really a group effort
but my 10 person suite, or, the pirate suite as we are more commonly known as around campus, are a force to be reckoned with, we all have our specialitys, and their usually consists of messing up the targets room, mine is far more sinister.
My job, as the one who knows that most about computers here, is to unlock their computer, and fill their hard drive with one the finest of the fine in shock sites and evil porn. First step is always to find the gayest picture I can find online and photo shop their face onto it, then comes the bad part, I replace random shortcut destinations, I replace random favorites destinations, I replace the homepage, and even set up a few pop up systems, all of the most gruesome stuff you can find, I'm talking goatsee, tubgirl, 2 girls 1 cup still shots, meatspin, and guro, not to mention the obligatory gay, "mature", and shemale photos I happen to find around (don't look this stuff up if you don't know what it is, searching for it has ended in me loosing all faith in humanity).
Needless to say they are always pissed about the room, but to this day they still tell me they find random disgusting shit popping up on their screens.

The evil part really is that some of their old links they won't be getting back....Muahahahah!
don't fuck with the pirate suite!

...right thats really all I have

length? just check out some guro and you'll be fine
( Arsonade is saving up for a new box of hummus, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 16:17, Reply)

Electricity
When I was studying electrical engineering at college about 20 years ago, we had a piece of test equipment called a 'Megger.' Basically, it put a very high voltage at a very low current across two conductors to test insulation.

On the same college course there was a lad who, to cut a long story short, was a bit of a wanker. One day, whilst he was stood at his bench, I decided that it would be a great idea to drop both electrodes of the aforementioned equipment down his back and give him a mild 500V jolt. I say 'a' jolt but it was more like several jolts as I stood and gauged his reactions and listened to his yelps like some scientist carrying out some pointless experiment.

I felt bad for about five minutes afterwards.
(Taunting Lunatics Belming at you since, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 16:14, 1 reply)

my poor abused father
is afraid of snakes... doesn't like them, is afraid to death of em. SOOOO it seemed like the greatest idea to tape a dangly rubber snake to the inside lid of a coffee can so when opened the snake would be pulled out. Wrapping this item like a xmas gift and leaving it on his desk also seemed like a great idea.
I will miss you dad.
(starvinm1, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 16:11, Reply)

My ex-wife's brother had a few friends round for a drink one night.
While they were sitting in the lounge he turned the TV on and told them he just wanted to check his lottery numbers, then ran off to get his ticket.

He came back and stood in the lounge doorway clutching his ticket while the numbers were read out.

Unbeknown to them, from there he could also see the portable TV in the conservatory, which being analogue, was a few seconds ahead of the digital TV in the lounge.

So as he saw the numbers on the portable, he predicted them, finishing with "42, I need 42, come on, YES!" as the last ball was indeed 42.

This was obviously followed by much stunned rejoicing among his friends, until he could no longer keep a straight face.


/about 8 months (since he's spoken to me)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 16:10, 1 reply)