Don't
ever get drunk and try to smoke a tampon. And if you are stupid enough to see how it tastes to smoke, don't follow it up with another one 'just to make sure'.

Also I once got drunk at an office party and decided to see how painfull it was to rub salt in my eyes. You see I'd stolen a salt cellar from the dinner table and it'd broken in my pocket which was full of salt.

1st rub... fairly painful.
Shot of vodka.
2nd rub... really getting more painful
More vodka
3rd run... holy shit that hurts
More vodka.

I woke up next to a potted plant full of vomit, with salt encrusted eyes and impaired vision for a few days.

EDIT: Also don't experiment with making 'cocktails' from fat skimmed from the top of gravy, some gravy, cheap gin, pepper, chili powder and salt.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 18:40, 1 reply)

Perhaps not pointless
but ultimately fruitless.

My first experiment at text sex:
Beware predictive text. No woman wants to learn you want to kick her pussy.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 18:31, 7 replies)

I was a curious child
I spent a vast amount of my free time doing lots of little experiments and at the tim I certainly didn't think they were pointless at the time!

There was the time I mixed all of the chemicals from my chemistry set together and then poured the bubbling mess down the kitchen sink...and burnt the sink.

I tried to make an overhead projector with a Tomy Torch and a few mirrors. Needless to say it didn't work.

I tried to swing up and over on my garden swing and tipped the whole thing over, grazing my bum on a rock as I landed.

But I think the crowning glory was the world's most pointless experiment I ever did, in fact that anyone has ever done. Something my parents still tease me about now. When I was very young (about 6, I'm told), I had an old woolly hat in my toybox. Not sure why it was there, but it was. Anyway, one day, I decided to see if I could pee in it without it going all the way through. Yes, you did just read that right. Don't ask me why I did it because even I don't know. My face has gone bright red just writing this.

My mum made me wear a nappy that night as punishment.
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 18:29, 1 reply)

I used to do loads of these as a kid
1) I stared at the sun for a good minute just to see what it would do. I reckon that whole 'going blind' thing is bollocks cause it did nothing

2) Put red ants in a black ants' nest. That was fucking cool, they had a vicious fight and the red ants lost miserably.

3) Put a wasp in a jar over the same ants' nest. The wasp fought valiantly but it eventually succumbed to the wrath of the ants

4) Made chlorine gas by mixing bleach with vinegar. My friend Martin told me it would explode if I lit a match over it so I tried but it didn't work

5) Ate way too much beetroot as I heard it made your pee go pink. It did.

6) At primary school we tried using rose thorns to pop the pipe that was filling up the swimming pool as we were curious as to how high the jet of water would go. We couldn't go through the thick plastic of the pipe, though.

7) built a huge see-saw out of old cereal packets and loo rolls, then tried to find stuff that would balance. Apparently one flower pot is about as heavy as two small flower pots. I then broke it when I tried bricks

8) Speaking of bricks, I once stacked up a huge wall of bricks in my garden, then tried to jump over it. I got as high as 11 bricks before my rear leg caught the top brick and I got moderately injured when I fell head-first onto the ground, followed by a load of bricks.

9) Raided my neighbour's rubbish bins to see what was in there. Funnily enough, most of it was...well, rubbish. There was an old, broken umbrella and a full tin of in-date spaghetti unopened.

10) Lit a candle using the sun an a magnifying glass. It actually works!

I could have continued this list for a long time. God I miss being a kid.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 18:26, 1 reply)

Stair jumping
I always wondered whether or not jumping down the stairs wrapped in a quilt would hurt more, or a sleeping bag.


Didnt really make a blind bit of difference, after the first jump in the quilt I woke up in hospital 3 hours later with concussion...

NOTE: dont jump down stairs wrapped in things
(the cactus kid- what a prick..., Thu 24 Jul 2008, 18:25, 4 replies)

Pant jumping.
Sadly not my own work,but nonetheless,pretty stupid and indeed foolhardy.

My mother told me one day (over a dry Martini),that it was a wonder I was ever born....

WHY???Mother....????

Apparently my father used to be a bit of a show-off,doing wheelies on his scooter,drinking lots etc....and so she regaled with their first ever "post-shag" story.

To impress her the morning after his heroic enterprise,he decided to hold his boxer shorts out in front of him and jump into them.

And failed.Spectacularly.

He missed both legs and split his head open on the bedside table.

Mother says she knows I wasn´t conceived then because the fit of laughter basically forced all his top-hatted swimmers out of her.Thankfully she gave him another chance.

She says that she knew he´d be a great father,there and then.33 years later and I absolutely agree with her.

Mind you ,he is a bit of a fuckwit and the fruit didn´t fall far from the tree...

Length??He got a second chance,so who cares......
(shirleytemplesarse, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 18:14, Reply)

Apparantly.....
James Anderson, told Amy Jackson that Billy Whitecliffe's brother said that if you rub your willy long enough white stuff comes out.
No doubt the latest batch of L-Plate B3tans will be experimenting with this over the summer holidays.

(Also works with teddy bears on girl's front bits according to Amy's sister).
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 18:10, 3 replies)

Electricity
Licking a 9v battery is pretty funky on your tongue.

Doing the same with a 16V, 5A 1950s (or thereabouts) Meccano transformer isn't so good.
( thistle, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 18:03, 4 replies)

Fuzzy tongue
When I was a child, I would stick my tongue out to see how long it would take to dry out. I also wanted to know what my tongue would feel like in this state. It felt creepy, almost like my tongue was no longer a part of my body.

Last weekend, my daughters informed me that they just tried this neat new thing. They were quite excited because it felt so weird.

Yup, they stuck their tongues out to see what it felt like for them to be dried out.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 24 Jul 2008, 17:38, 5 replies)

I've been reminded by rachelswipe's tales of chemistry
of a couple of stories, one involving the adventures of Stalker Boy in GCSE Chemistry, and one involving me in the same class.

Stalker Boy and the Titration Experiment

I had the misfortune to take Dual Science Award for GCSE (for those unaware, this is where you sit all three science subjects separately, and have separate classes for the two years and your two highest exam marks are submitted. I know for a fact mine were Chemistry and Biology because I knew jack shit about Physics on the day, having spent five years listening to the teacher - who I'd not be surprised to find out is a b3tan - talk about his Reliant Scimitar and Cardassians and getting my dad to help me with my physics homework). Our chemistry teacher at the time was a rather horsey looking creature with wavy ginger hair and a whiny voice, and a fondness for saying "Maaalaaadictaaaa, you're going to fail..." if you so much as coughed in her classes*.

Stalker Boy, in another bizarre twist to his special personality, flirted shamelessly with this teacher - who we shall call Mrs Jones, for that was her name - to the point where if she saw him coming she'd do her best to escape by any means necessary. Consequently, he spent most of GCSE Chemistry trying to chat her up (despite her being at least three times his age) and generally being a pain in the arse.

One day, we were split into pairs, as usual, and given a burette and some colourless liquids (probably sodium hydroxide and hydrochloric acid - see, I was OK at chemistry) and told to add one to the other till they were neutralised - which you could see thanks to that nifty universal indicator stuff.

Half an hour into the lesson, my slaggy ex-best friend and I have more or less accomplished this, and glance over to Stalker Boy and his lab partner, the ever-present Tris. Their solution is still ruby red, and no one can quite work out why, until Mrs Jones appears with the magical indicator.

The whole block must have heard what happened next.

"You STUPID STUPID BOYS! All this time you've been wondering why it won't change, and you've been adding ACID TO ACID!"

They were never allowed to work together again.

* I got a B. Somehow.


Young Maladicta and the Water of Crystallisation

As I've mentioned, I was OK at, and even quite enjoyed, chemistry, when there was no maths involved and I was left in peace to fiddle with things. The exception to this rule was that our class usually had an odd number when one of the slutty girls was skiving to call her boyfriend and as I was chronically unpopular (lack of boyfriend and interest in things that exploded), no one tended to want to work with me.

One day, we were told to split into pairs and heat a solution until it made water of crystallisation - how this is different from what was already in there is beyond me, but I digress. I'm about ten minutes into this when Mrs Jones demands we all stop and pay attention to her for a moment, and tells us something inane about growing crystals on a tampon string.

Suddenly, there is a strange noise from behind me.

*pop*pop*pop*pop*pop*

Turning around I can see the crucible has boiled dry, and tiny white crystals are now leaping, popcorn-like, from within. And I got bollocked for it.

This was the same module where we were meant to make crystals by a similar method, and sticking them into my book resulted in whatever was inside them eating a hole through about twenty pages like a shrinking caterpillar. Strangely, Mrs Jones minded this a lot less.
( Maladicta, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 17:36, Reply)

bomb making
Remember 'Devil Bangers'? They were little crystals of something wrapped in a bit of toilet peper which, when you threw it at a hard surface, made a little bang. But imagine if you could buy hundreds of these thing and empty the crystals - then you could make a bomb!

This was the theory of Richard Baldrick, who, during a maths exam, decided to fill the inside of his digital watch with the crystals [the time-keeping innards had been removed and it was just a case and a plastic face]. And so it was that, during the deathly silence of the test, young Baldrick could not quite close the case that was stuffed with crystals.

So he hit it.

The resultant explosion made a few of us in the remedial class [worst student - Frankspencer] soil themselves in fright. We all turned around to see Baldrick sitting with a stunned expression, and bits of plastic sticking bloodily in his face.

I heard he became a policeman.
(frankspencer, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 17:31, 3 replies)

Sliding down stares
is fun when youre a nipper although you tend to get carpet burns.

So me and my brother decided to use a nylon sleeping back, with BOTH of us inside.

10 minutes later after breaking the sound barrier we were picking the remains of a ripped up sleeping bag out of (what remained of) our front door. Luckily I was about 5 at the time, so my brother took the Jip.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 17:26, Reply)

Blatent scientific incompetence
LordMatthius reminds me of my own scientific past, and why I decided I was probably better suited so other careers.

I was of a mildly chemical bent while still at school. The experimentation was fun, and we were still allowed to do moderately risky things at the time.

Example 1:

5th year at school - Higher chemistry.

A melting point experiment where capilary tubes of powders were heated to melting point using a bunsen burner modified with a block of aluminium as the holder.

Twas the end of the day, and I was in a hurry to leave. The bell goes unexpectedly, and I rush to put stuff away - including the bunsen.

Reaching out, I grab the toasty-warm bit of kit straight on. The aluminium blockfits neatly in the palm of my hand, and I just have time to hear the sizzle, as I drop the offending item, leaving a nice little angular design wheremy palm closed arund it.

Experiment 2:

Having proven my scientific credentials and reliabilty, the following year I'm taking 6th year chemistry. 6th years were typically allowed to work on their research projects while other classes were being taken.

This day, I was heating something in a test-tube over a bunsen (yes again - I din't learn my lesson), when I became engrossed in the 2nd year class going on around me.

Failing to keep an eye on the tube, I didn't realise that it was bubbling away, until it suddenly launched itself over the heads of at least 6 of the youngsters beside me, and landed on the teacher's desk.

Length? Probably 12 feet or so, at an elevation of around 45 degrees.
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 17:22, Reply)

Experimenting with drugs
Back when I was doing my GCSEs, my English teacher (now sadly dead, RIP Dobber Dew) was one of those people that just knows EVERYTHING. The depth of his knowledge never failed to astound me. He could be a bit of a dick to people, but liked me because I was in Chapel Choir and he was obsessed with the composer Charles Villiers Stanford. Anyway, I digress...

One day, he was obviously tired to the back teeth of comparing and contrasting "1984" and "Brave New World", so decided to tell us how to make opium. Yup. Drew diagrams, told us when to do it, how to take it (boiling it with water makes a basic form of laudanam, or one can simply boil the whole poppy heads to make hallucinagenic tea) and everything, before finishing up with "but one can't really find opium poppies in the UK, so this information is of no use to you lot".

I went home for the summer, mentioned this to my mother, who snorted and said "well, he might know how to make opium, but he's obviously not a horticulturalist. We've got masses of opium poppies in the garden." She then went back to writing her book and promptly forgot our entire conversation.

Silly mummy.

1 week later, I was scraping some brown gloop off the sides of the poppies into a ramekin. There was probably a tablespoon's worth in total. I boiled it up in a pint of water and drank the resulting foul liquid. Then sat back and waited for it to kick in.

2 hours later: still waiting.
5 hours later: still waiting, and it's bedtime.
Day 2, am: still nothing. WTF?
Day 2, pm: still nothing. This would appear to have been a waste of time. Plus, my tummy feels a bit sluggish.
Day 3: stomach still feeling bad. I have not crapped for nearly 3 days. Ow.
Day 4: Argh. Constipation. Perhaps this was a bad idea.
Day 5: God-fucking-dammit I'm full of turds! They're backing up my digestive tract! I need a CRAP!!
Day 6: Glory be. I've seen God. After 45 mins of straining, that was a singularly painful crap, but the opiate-caused obstruction is now gone.

Conclusion: tastes bad, fails to get you high, and makes you constipated. Would not recommend.


Length? 6 unbearable days.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 17:17, Reply)

In A Level Physics....
...I opted for an experiment of my own, during a lecture on forces of momentum.

I managed to fit an entire packet of Extra Strong Mints in my mouth at once. My mouth was swollen and burning rapidly from the inside out, but I managed to keep them all in. As I was shaking on my chair, beads of sweat forming upon my scalp, it was this moment where my lecturer decided to ask me an open-house question about "which forces would be acting upon the mass". "MMMnnnnnpphhhh!" I managed.

In fairness, when the other students explained what I had did he did congratulate my skills. It took an hour for me to dissolve them and another hour before I could talk properly again.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 17:15, Reply)

Stairs of Doom
As a small boy I wondered how many stairs I could jump down, I started near the bottom and jumped, then from the second stair then 3 then 4, 5, 6, 7.

It was becoming a challenge to see how far I could jump, eventually I reached the top of the stairs, 15 in total and looked down in to the abyss.

It took a moment to get my nerve up before I jumped, then I went for it, I leapt like a salmon, gracefully soaring down towards the landing.

And then everything changed, the door at the bottom opened as my dad came home from work, to be greeted by the sight of a small person clattering into the door side on.

I knocked myself out on the door, and spent the next few days indoors as I "couldn’t be trusted not to kill myself by being stupid."

My sister said it looked good from where she was standing though.
(Andy-Bhoy I'm here all week, try the veal., Thu 24 Jul 2008, 17:12, 2 replies)

Pearoast from the Captain

Those were the days

Back in the days of real chemistry teaching, I found the delights of "vigorous exothermic reactions".
Having made my "vigorously exothermic device" I found the ideal place for it, a 6" pipe which ran under the school pond which was a 3' square concrete affair, shunned by all aquatic life due to the cleaners regularly tipping their mop buckets full of bleachy water into it. With the delay set at approximately 10 minutes I waited, watching from my chemistry lesson, for the gout of flames from the pipe I was expecting.


There was a deep thud, felt through the floors of the whole school followed by a VERY loud bang as the whole pond blasted off into the air, over the chemistry block, over the main hall, over the swimming pool and landed on the all-weather pitch, some 150 yards away. I was impressed, my teachers and the bomb squad less so.

This was merely one of the incidents that prompted my headmaster to brand me "a charming, witty and erudite thug" in my final report.






Git.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:58, 4 replies)

Sugar substitute.
I remember once when I was in my early teens, I got myself a bowl of Wheetabix for breakfast.
Now, of course you can't eat Wheetabix without sugar, because I assume it just tastes like a strange mixture of straw and cardboard (not that I've actually tasted either of those things...)
Anyway, I went to get the sugar and discovered that there wasn't any in the little jar we usually keep it in.
"No fear" thought I, "There's probably a new packet in the cupboard, just no-ones put it in the pot yet."
But I was sadly mistaken. There was no sugar at all in the house.
So instead of finding something else to have for breakfast, I decided to try to find something else that would make my first choice a bit sweeter.
I eventually found an old bottle of strawberry syrup that we'd probably bought for pancakes.
"Ooh, this'll do nicely! Plus it'll make my Wheetabix taste all strawberry like."
.....
Conclusion of experiment:
Strawberry syrup in Wheetabix doesn't make it taste sweet and wonderful.
It actually turns everything into a purply-greyish goop that looks like death and just sits there, staring at you, willing you to taste its evilness... Which you do only to discover that it tastes even more evil than it looks.

I now eat toast.
( Mellicious is made of candy, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:54, Reply)

Question: How many people can you use to drive an Opel Kadett?
1) steering done from rear seat
2) pedals operated by an inverted participant using their hands whilst in footwell
3) gear shift operated from passenger seat using left hand
4) 'back-up' brake operation performed by person in passenger footwell using hands
5) random indicators, lights and horn functionality performed by rear left participant
6) sound effects provided by the poor unfortunate in the driving seat who was not allowed to use hands or feet

We hit a tree, it was the only tree in the sodding field
(conanow, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:54, 1 reply)

Petrol... How flammable *is* it?
Being 12 or so, and being the summer holidays when parents left you to you own devices way before knife crime or pedophiles were invented, I took heed of the advice from the popular kids tv program "Why don't you?".
I set up my experiment in the garage. Was a large garage, double doors one end, up-and-over at the 'car' end. No cars inside.
Found the petrol can and put a small amount on the floor. Made a very small puddle of about 2 inches on the concrete floor. Standing about a metre or so away, lit a match. Happily tossed it forwards to the puddle.
*WHUMPH*
About a metre round pool of very fucking hot fire, with a thick, black cone of smoke rising began to burn very furiously indeed. A little more fire there than I expected.... Time methinks to extinguish. Water. Where is the hosepipe? Out the double door, across the garden, grab the hose. On the way actually think about it and realise oil floats on water and this may cause 'issues'. So I abandon the idea in favour of some sand - which I find behind the garage. See, the young 'Stuntman was a clever sod. Only a handful was needed and the fire was brought under control.
*Whew*, that was lucky.
And it was at this exact moment, studying the scene of the blackened concrete and sand mixed into the centre of the garage and the thick, black plumes of smoke now billowing from the door when I noticed something which may have adversely affected the results of my experiment. A 200 gallon heating oil tank, half full with kerosene. Conveniently located inside the garage. Next to the blackened floor.

Dad never knew what turned the floor a little black. Or my pants a little brown.
(unknownstuntman, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:53, 1 reply)

Ooooooh Mince!
My friend once fucked a pint glass full of mince.

Result: Never let him make lasagne.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:52, Reply)

Ultra Safe Condoms
Have fast do you have to make sweet sweet love before the thing pops? Not splits coz it's faulty but actually falls apart???

The answer is 80mph. This was not discovered through the art of making sweet sweet love. I doubt I could reach speeds of 80mph and I wouldn't like to see the state of the ladybits after. The method used to determine the speed was as follows:

Take ultrasafe condom (procured from gaybar in Manchester) out of packet and comment on thickness, inflate upon reaching Stockport Grand Central, hang out of car window and drive as fast as you can!

The fluttering nodder made a funny little vibrating noise, pedestrians looked in awe of the genius antics of 2 speeding young men with a wobbly nodder hanging from the window of a (probably not entirely roadworthy) Ford Fiesta, the policeman looked a little bit shocked and possibly amused as we sped past, and the officer that pulled us up just past Rileys Pool Hall didn't really think that our experiment was a justifiable answer for speeding (although he did make a little chortle).

That's why he was a policeman and not a scientitst.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:51, Reply)

Hindsight really is 20/20
Nothing happens if you save up your piss in 2 or 3 litre bottles for over 2 months. Except is seperates a bit and all this cloudy murk sinks to the bottom.

However, once this 'experiment' is over, dispose of the bottles WITHOUT opening them up and sniffing the contents. This experiment will leave you gagging and bolking for a good 20 minutes.

To summarise, piss in the toilet and not in plastic bottles.


When in Amsterdam for 2 nights, DO NOT buy 5 different eigths of the strongest skunk you could source, just because you cant make up your mind. After smoking ONE joint you will look at your horde and decide you wont even be able to finish one of the eigths let alone 5 of them. In the wake of this realisation DO NOT chop up most of what you have and stick into some salsa and then proceed to eat in a munched up frenzy. Then definitely, DO NOT, go out for a walk and bump into the assorted weirdos that only the 'dam can produce.

Just don't, trust me.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:49, Reply)

Swimming pool
My sister, when rather wee, wanted to know what would happen if she put her inflatable armbands on her ankles.

The lifeguard got the very frightened, screaming sister out - that's what happened.

By a strange twist of fate she is now a kayak instructor and spends much of her time pushing children underwater.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:38, 4 replies)

'Helping' the Uni Lecturer ...
You'd think by the time they get to teach at Uni they'd know better. We were doing transducers, so he had a compass with a couple of turns of wire wrapped around it to demonstrate magnetic fields.

Out comes his trusty AA battery to demonstrate turning the indicator first one way, then the other. Thing is, he must have been using this self same battery since he was first shown this demo for his 'O' level physics. It was flatter than Norfolk!

"No probs!" says a keen Dio, who promtly offers up a mobile phone battery. Being conscientious type I started to speak: "You might want to be a bit careful, tho 'cos that's a NiCad cell and can dump quite a few ... " ****YEOUCH! FUCK! FUCK! OUCH!**** "... amps in one go if you short it out."

Yes, he had just re-invented the electric heater IN HIS HAND. Melted plastic insulation clung to the pads of his fingers and the lecture took an early coffee break while he went to run them under the cold tap for a while. I claimed the experiment as a Dawin Success.
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:31, Reply)

Stupid idea
I was in the bath once and suddenly had a thought come into my head, I thought "I wonder what water actually smells like?". So, without a moment's hesitation I dunked my head underwater and took in a deep breath, only to come back up immediately, puking water everywhere.

I really don't know what I was thinking. At the time I thought it was the most original idea ever. I wasn't even a child when this happened, I was around 14 years old.
(kabukisteve, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:29, 5 replies)

Electroplating
Someone mentioned electroplating a silver ring in another thread, which reminded me.

I use electroplating solutions at work from time to time, and one day decided it would be fun to plate some coins. I made for myself a collection of nickel-plated 1p and 2p coins and copper plated 5p, 10p, 20p and 50p, so they all appeared the wrong colour for their denomination.

If you don't put very much metal on, they still work in vending machines, as the weight is still within tolerance. I have also spent them in shops, and although I occasionally had one refused for being a 'funny-looking coin', most of the time I've got off with it.

I'm not actually doing shops out of money by doing this as I hand over the correct denominations (albeit with the wrong colour), but it's fun to see the confusion on the faces of the till jockeys.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:22, 6 replies)

Not entirely on-topic
but worth a mention.

We had a very fastidious science teacher at my school, called Dr Levy. He took things very seriously and was forever rollicking us kids for not doing as we were told.

Until, that is, he got cancer, lost all his hair and appeared to lighten up somewhat, to the point that one day in class he asked me, 'Robert, how do you make a hormone?'

I squirmed in my seat, 'Erm, I don't know, sir...?'

'You don't pay her,' he replied, with a wry smile, and continued the lesson.

Many jaws in the lab dropped that day. -he was alright that Dr Levy, he even did my Science coursework for me, but I still only managed to get a B.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:19, 2 replies)