Now that's Magic
When I was 10, I could complete the Rubik's Magic in 2.8 seconds. Yes we finally found a use for the stop watch facility in our big chunk casio digital watches.

Strangely, the Cube still defeats me.
(planetmatt, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 7:39, Reply)

I'm an expert at being me.
Oh, and at remembering things that happened in Simpsons episodes.

Yet I can't remember homeworks.


I'm also quite good at manga and having a perverted mind. About half way to Mykeyboy level though.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 7:34, Reply)

Crisp Packet Folding
I am an expert at folding an empty packet of crisps into a triangle - I can do it with any sized bag in a matter of seconds. However it does mean that when my girlfriend finds them lying around the flat it is blatantly abvious it was me.

I can also skin up in crampped or moving quarters - I managed to roll a fag while running on a cross country run & make a joint during Portishead at Galstonbury in 94 when everyone was packed into the dance tent. Easy peasy.
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 6:44, Reply)

I am expert at
fucking with my kids' heads.

Example: my oldest had to have an ingrown toenail removed. We went in to the doctor's, and I stayed by his side through it all. The doctor's office we use is a teaching one- that is, we get medical students in there, working alongside the doctor.

So here's the doctor stabbing away with the anaesthetic and explaining to the student how to do "digital blocking"- that is, how to numb the entire toe. He then lectures as he does the surgery, then he and the student leave and let the nurse bandage my son.

My son asks the nurse what "digital blocking" is, and she explains. I follow this up by saying, "Well actually, the doctor brought in a laptop while you weren't looking and hooked your toe to the USB port and downloaded a Carpenters MP3 file into it. If you bring your foot close to your ear you should be able to hear Karen singing "Laaaaaa, close to you..."

The nurse promptly blue-screened, and my son looked annoyed.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 4:34, Reply)

PC woes
All my friends and colleagues regard me as an expert in PC problems. Truth is I just Google their question/problem and get a zillion solutions. I even tell them this and they still think I'm computer guru...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 4:08, Reply)

big fish little fish
as a wanna be jouro, spent the last two years writing for a Koi magazine, as in ornamental carp.

I now know everything about them, pond filtration techniques and even a bit of Japanese.

ask me anything…
(Gert-Big-Robot-Gal, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 3:25, Reply)

I am an expert at...
Stopping things from hitting me.
Im a slow minded person but I have the reflexes of a cat ,times 10. Throw anything at me ,an orange, pen ,a rock.My hands control themselves and stop any incoming objects, but doesn't work properly sometimes...
At work one day , a large crate fell from a height in my direction.Instead of just hopping out of its way my hands got over-confident and tried to stop the 70KG box.
Result: Broken arm + fractured wrist
(asbad, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 2:31, Reply)

Cherry
I love fruity drinks and the thought of being seductively sexy, so I spent many months learning how to tie a cherry stem in my mouth. In my mind there was nothing more alluring than catching a dashing man’s eye, raising an eyebrow and discreetly showing my craft, hoping he will realize that a tongue as dexterous as mine could perform miracles.
Trouble is: I look like I’m trying to release a rock from my dentures in the tying process, and all those woody stems gave me some mean sores.
Meeeeeeeeeeeoowwww
( salamander, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 2:25, Reply)

Hmm...
I just finished a research project into a totally unimportant mutant virus strain which no-one in the world will ever care about, making me the world's leading expert in it!

Hopefully on my way to becoming an expert in selectively replicating adenoviruses acting as a theraputic platform for cancer treatment (PhD starting soon).

Most importantly of all, I know more about the Muppets than anyone should ever admit to.

EDIT:
I can also tell you within a few seconds the plot and key quotations from any episode of star trek, Family Guy, Simpsons, Futurama, Friends or any other damn program I've ever seen. Why can I remember this but not the names of the people I spent this afternoon with?
(Not very much gravitas at all, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 2:08, Reply)

I am, so very boringly, an expert in..
Fonts. Not those things that look far too much like toilets that they have in churches, but typefaces...

So much so that I've begun amassing photographs and clippings of things that use the textual abomination that is Comic Sans MS in order to one day build a ranting, seething website about how much I hate it. (people actually pay to have their restaurant signs, etc in that font! nnnnnngggg!)

..And Scrubs. The american hospital comedy. I know most of the first two series' off by heart.

It can't be healthy. Why aren't I an expert on tits? or lager? or badgers even? at least that's vaguely interesting..

Ooh.. And also... I'll kick ALL your arses at four-player Goldeneye deathmatch (license to kill mode, with pistols). but I suck at grenades launchers..
(godders loves you, children, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 2:08, Reply)

I'm sure they've trained others since...
but a few years ago I was one of 3 people in Australia accredited to repair flexible urethroscopes and hysteroflators (among other things) for a certain German surgical company.

After playing with the training machines, I can perform a urethroscopy in under 10 minutes - the average urologist takes about 20.
( gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 2:05, Reply)

i can...
dislocate my shoulders and place my arms behind my head, followed by a jumping motion which we have labeled "the bunny."

and one time i took a calculus test with one arm behind my head

but it didn't make my grade any better.
(meltthefork, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 2:00, Reply)

Disassembling water bottles with my mouth
and spitting out their components with surprisingly good power and accuracy.
(Burb Lulls, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 1:15, Reply)

Tea
I make the bloody best cup of tea ever, with the right tools.

I am also an expert worrier. I worry about getting on a bus.

Expert dreamer... yeah.
(Angry Pierre likes his Guinness, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 0:57, Reply)

Stuff.
I once finished one of the Alien Breed games on the Amiga without losing a single life. It was the one with the bouncy lasers.

And I can usually recognse and name any film I've seen in the past 20 years if I happen to walk in and see a few seconds of it. In fact I'm frightfully good at Guess Which Movie.

I don't know why.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 0:55, Reply)

oh yes..
I think this deserves one on its own, Offending people, I have a huge knack for not thinking about what I'm about to say and opening my mouth and putting my foot in it.
Today for instance Gay Phil at work was all upset because his Mum was getting rid of the cat because she was allergic to it, so someone said he should get a shaved cat.
'Nothing like stroking a shaved pussy' says I, I still think it was amusing and there was no need for him to strop off crying.
Or the time when really pissed after bonus day I was out down town, and I was sick to death of being harrased by junkies and alkies wanting some of my hard earned money, so when one came up to me for the millionth time, I took a tenner out of my pocket, held it up, and burnt it in front of their face. That and telling the woman protesting against animal testing that dogs really like lipstick,rabbits smell better with perfume and that cats smoking is the coolest thing ever.
I think reading this I'm an expert at letting my inner bastard take over sometimes!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 0:46, Reply)

I'm an expert at...
(never mind the length, heres some bollocks)

Music trivia from the late 50's onwards, people text me from pub quiz's, phone me from work competitions, drag me over to quiz machines in pubs and generally plunder my useless information, I also have a score of over 120 million on our Pub quiz machine in the local (St leger Arms, Laughton, Nr Sheffield under JRT is a God if you don't belive me) I also know shit loads about Formula 1, Doctor Who (and wasn't the last series brilliant?) ITV logo's and franchises, the history of the BBC (Ok so I did a media degree) British cult comedy, the books of Phil Rickman, how to cheat at Sim City 4 so you get more money, and what else... oh yes mortgages and selling insurance which is coincidental because that my job!! I also have a large collection of the shittest jokes known to man that have taken up squatters rights in my head and escape every time I have a drink. I also know that its better to keep quiet and be thought an anorak than to post on the internet and prove you are one. I also ignore my own advice and am an expert at saying the wrong things at the wrong time, and making the same mistakes again and again and again.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 0:35, Reply)

Expert...

...In telling students to fuck off you cunting knobbers. Nobody gives a dying duck.
(carlspick profile? Dunne, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 0:31, Reply)

expert in reversing time
Dozens of highly specialised, long-time expereinced engineers will use prototypes to test their systems... then bring them back and say 'it's broken'

95% of the time you ask them 'what did you do between when it wasn't broken and what you tried to change about it'and then reverse-logic style undo what they did before it went all wrong.

Then you reverse what they've just told you they did.

Hey presto, I am an expert in 'fixing things'
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 0:27, Reply)

plastering
I,m an expert in fuck all but i am looking for someone who can plaster walls..........Rewind 3weeks ago......"Yes my dear it will be done in 2 weeks " 3 weeks later knowhere near finished ,totally knackered taken 4 weeks off sick ,90 degrees in the shade all day and i,m fucked.Getting pissed on stella.Any experts on plastering give me a ring on 0800 DONT START WHAT YOU CANT FINISH..........P.S never sound desperate to a fucking crook builder;;;;;
(andycrass loves two hats on, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 0:21, Reply)

Going commando
Experience? 2 1/2 years straight.

Slippage? Trouser fluff? How to change in front of others? Cock-burn? Ask me anything.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 0:17, Reply)

Where do I begin this story...
So I was driving home and a beggar jumped out into the street because he was my friend from primary school, and to avoid him I had to crash into the side of a pub, and we ended up going out on the piss that night, which was funny because he came in to the club's loos as I was tossing myself off, and he laughed, and because he'd just had a kebab with chilli in it the slight spittle with chilli on it made my knob swell up so that I couldn't actually fit out of the toilet door....

And as I sat there waiting for it to shrink I realised that I'm an expert.

... and then my headteacher walked in with what looked like a BDSM tutor, and proceeded to accidentally cover my video camera with blood, so I left it in my locker at school and the caretaker checked the tape out in the staffroom and the head got the sack, but not before he could rename the school "Goatse College".

Uncanny. What?
( Martini? What is this? 1972?! (steveee), Fri 24 Jun 2005, 0:04, Reply)

Such an expert
Well being a poor A-leveller I have to earn money from somewhere so Asda seemed like a pretty good place to get it. I get placed on the meat department and am now an expert iin what meat is best for what occasion and different cooking times. I'm so proud!
(paintboy, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 23:50, Reply)

Making great omelettes
from whatever shit there is left in the fridge.
And eggs, of course.
(One of these things first, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 23:47, Reply)

not entirely an expert really
but i know more about california state contractors licensing than i'd care too.
(HalfwayHebrew, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 23:46, Reply)

me am teh expert in ....

Kalashnikov assault rifles .... ive even instructed eastern european soldiers in their use.

(right about now i'd like to swap this for an expertise in Flash or Dreamweaver.......)




I am also an expert in clitoral stimulation ... Form an ordely queue ladies ....
( Jaffacake, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 23:38, Reply)

Im sure it will come in useful one day
Every episode of Alan Partridge and The Office. I can and often do quote entire episodes to myself... Its better than watching TV, unless said programs are on.

Length, girth, ict exam tomorrow etc.
(Willis86, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 23:35, Reply)

we is am expert in...
...wondering if we can have a QOTW that DOESN'T involve students telling us how wonderful / zany / hard done by they are.

Oooo you went to school... GET OVER IT

By the way me is am expert in mobile telephony. Boring as a boring thing but I can forward your phone to any other number I care to think of so be nice to me!

No apologies for 'owt... length and girth are genetic.
(timfy, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 23:32, Reply)

Greek and Roman Studies
with a specialty in the archaeology of (Roman and Roman contact) Somerset from the the first century bc to first century ad.
I live in Canada.
So I'm also a stone mason.
(nabi, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 23:28, Reply)

I'm an expert....
At chain smoking during free periods between lectures I understand jack all about.

Good news is I study a lot of useless information prior to the exam and ace with "A"s.

Everyone wonders why I'm very much like a nerd, but not quite one.
(s_nails, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 23:26, Reply)