I had a friend
That was adamant
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 19:28, 4 replies)

Millenium bug re-post
1999 inspired strange fantasies in many people's heads. At best, there were fears that hoovers and washing machines would pack up. At worst, some feared armageddon and the end of the world as we know it.

I went to stay with a friend who lived out in the sticks in Leicestershire and had a huge garden. He showed me the reinforced fence he'd just completed, complete with floodlights. Also the cellar he'd dug under the house, filled with tinned peaches, beans and long life pita bread. He'd tried to get a gun, he informed me, and failed. He'd just have to be vigillant.

"What the fuck is all this for?" I protested.

He then explained that when the year 2000 began, there would be massive food and power shortages and that people from the village would descend on him with flaming torches, to raid his stash of food. he was prepared, he'd ride out the chaos.

He was still offering me rusty tins of peaches 5 years later.

(And yes, I did shag him.)
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 19:27, 13 replies)

Many years ago, aged about 20, I had a boyfriend who was boringly normal
He loved football, he drove a sensible car, he worked in a factory, he didn't have an irrational phobia of microwaves or think the moon landings were faked, etc.

Then one day, he talked about his ex. He told me she'd given him amazing insights into the future of the world, so I sat up and listened. The channel tunnel was just coming to completion at the time and it was big news.

This guy told me, completely straight-faced, that when complete, the tunnel would send a massive shock wave up the length of Britain, that most of Europe would sink under the sea and that he was one of 44,000 "chosen ones" who would survive. Because his ex had given him that power, apparently.

I left him soon after.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 18:55, 7 replies)

The SAS
At work one day, the boss asked us each to tell the group something interesting about themselves as an ice breaker.

James said he was once in the SAS, only he gave it up because he didn't like the commute.

Needless to say, no one believed the geek, especially not the guy who had actually spent decades in the Royal Marines as a commando.

Perhaps he meant SAS as in Scandinavian Airlines.
(Bob the Builder killed Captain Alex, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 18:52, 4 replies)

My late boss
used to tell the shittiest lies imaginable. "My sister used to go out with the bloke who did Trevor Eve's hair, you know." "Gosh, really?" "GOD, YOU BELIEVED THAT!?"
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Thu 5 Jun 2014, 18:41, 2 replies)

I was the lead singer in the Human League and I wrote Love Action.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 17:40, 6 replies)

Once, I found a lump under my armpit.
Fearing the worst, I went to the doctor to get it checked out. He pushed it and prodded it and it was quite squishy and said he didn't think it was anything too serious but that he would take biopsy and send it for analysis just in case.

He took a scalpel and went to make little nick in the skin over the lump and it suddenly burst, sending orange fluid squirting out so fast, the doctor couldn't move out of the way quick enough and some of it squirted right in his mouth. The doctor recoiled, a little shocked and disgusted, but then he licked his lips and said it tasted like orange and was, of all things, fizzy.

He then sighed with relief, stood up and said, "It's ok, there's nothing to worry about, it's just a Fanta cyst".

The end.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 17:38, 7 replies)

Guitar Zero
I knew a kid who was always telling suspiciously grandiose tales. On one particular occasion, he said he had an electric guitar - which was not common, for 12-year-old kids in the 1970s!

Naturally, I asked him what amplifier he had. He looked confused. "It doesn't need an amplifier, I told you, it's an ELECTRIC guitar. Durrr!"

I quizzed him further, and apparently his electric guitar didn't need an amplifier because - being electric - it could obviously be plugged directly into the household electricity socket...

Come to think of it, I don't remember seeing him around after that.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 17:00, 5 replies)

I had a brief fling with a guy who contacted me 6 months later to insist I'd given him a nasty STD
I said I couldn't see how, as I'd had no symptoms, etc. He insisted in a stream of polite, concerned emails. So down I went to my doctor, had an embarrassing intimate examination, tests etc. Nothing, never had been anything there. I was totally clean.

I reported this indignantly to the guy. He then sent a furious, fire and brimstone rant, claiming I worked for Satan and that he'd caused all the recent flooding as "a warning" to me.

Weird.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 15:28, 20 replies)

Oh, are we doing EdsMeds again?
Seriously, Are the QOTW MODs fantasising that we haven't done this question many, MANY times before?
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 5 Jun 2014, 15:25, 6 replies)

I think I might look at starting a second career in Estate Agency - just for the sheer pleasure of lying to strangers.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 14:40, 2 replies)

His motorbike is 540 BHP
His Grandad invented the Tank and he was thrown out of a magic show in Vegas for throwing bacon Frazzles at a tiger.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 14:34, Reply)

Yewtree fantasist
One of the older kids (year above) at school, used to hang around with a group of lads in my year.

He was a bit of a computer geek and didn't have many friends. What he did have was money to buy booze and fags, which obviously endeared him to his younger peers.

The source of his wealth? Apparently he’d been committing credit card fraud and therefore had a decent cash resource to fund under age drinking in shitty parks.

A year later, the truth came out. One of the teachers had been paying him to take part in some school-time noncing. The teacher was arrested and placed on the sex offenders register.
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 14:19, 5 replies)

B3tans

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 14:04, 3 replies)

I knew a guy at uni who used to make completely innocuous shit up.
These were really mundane lies; they would never impress people, or cast him in a better light, or get him something for nothing.

It took people a while to realise he was doing it, since the lies were always entirely plausable; having just come from working in the library he might instead tell people that he had just come from the pub. Or he'd say he spent the weekend hanging with friends in Bristol, when it was really friends in London.

The only time we actually managed to catch him, was when he claimed that a very attractive girl we knew had slept with some total dweeb... he told this story 4 separate times to 4 separate people, each time claiming that one of the other 4 people had told him. It was only a week later when we met up that it transpired he'd simply made it up... again, for no apparent reason.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 13:36, Reply)

A guy at school was adamant he was Lion-O from the Thundercats.
I believe he was booked in for some kind of curative therapy.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 13:25, 13 replies)

Twat in work called Olly was so full of shit/unable to remember the crap he spouted , he often retold stories we had told him but with him in them as us . I particularly liked the one where he told us he`d been to Live Aid (originally my story , forgetting that it was before he`d been born - twat) .
Oh and a kid in school who reckoned he had 6 Daleks in his garage .
(Helikaon, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 13:05, 2 replies)

I like to think about breasts. I like breasts

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 12:51, 1 reply)

I used to work with a bloke we called 'Highlander'
because if you calculated all the jobs he'd had, countries he'd visited, women he'd been engaged to and all the other shit he'd done he'd have to have been about 370 years old to fit it all in.

He was once engaged to the Malaysian president's daughter whilst working out there as an advisor to the oil industry, for example. This also allowed him to legally use the name 'Mohammed'. He was actually called John.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 12:45, Reply)

Uncle Denis
Not actually an uncle, just a family friend, but you know how it is. He just could not resist making stuff up to 'beat' people. So I was telling him how I'd sung in a concert in a big church. He told me he'd been a choirboy in Westminster Abbey (despite being brought up in Chorley, Lancs). Someone else told him they'd one first prize in the village fete for a cake: he'd been awarded a special prize by Fanny Craddock for his recipe. I had been on a survival course with an ex-SAS guy: he had been with David Stirling in WW2 when he'd invented the SAS... Nothing anyone said could top his experiences.

Everyone knew what he said was complete crap but no one ever challenged it, just because it was so obviously made up. A few years ago he died of lung cancer. I'm sure that when he was in hospital he was telling everyone he'd been irradiated with polonium by Russian spies.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 12:41, Reply)

I had a school mate nicknamed Hadder because of his habit of muttering "had 'er" almost every time we passed an attractive woman
One day he announced his conquest of a woman we passed on a bus who then got on at the next stop and sat a couple of rows ahead.
"Have you had sex with him?" Sniggered one of us.
"Yes." She rather unexpectedly replied.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 12:34, 16 replies)

Even cyborgs have off days
I had a friend at school who was obsessed with Terminator 2. Or any military-based fantastical hero – he’d adopt the qualities of them and proclaim them his own. I remember him forcing me to watch as some tiny injury he’d suffered healed at a rate “FASTER THAN A NORMAL HUMAN,” me nodding politely as I stared at a completely fucking static graze for 25 minutes. When he was eleven he assured me he could squat 500lb. He was also the Yorkshire Pool Champion, having smashed all opposition in pubs throughout the county, aged 14. Fucking wally.

But yes, Terminator 2. Unfortunately he decided he was a cyborg. Normally this would be another one of his harmless bits of idiocy, but sadly for him, he was labouring under this particular misapprehension around the time he got into a fight with another kid. So what should have been a brief albeit exciting playground tussle was instead the excruciating sight of this utter nobhead walking with robotic determination towards his opponent while maintaining a blank expression, hands by his side, Arnie on his mind, relying purely on the irresistible force of his metal endoskeleton to ensure victory.
Naturally the lad he was fighting just started punching him in the face repeatedly, and the rest of us were soon treated to the once in a lifetime experience of having to console a sobbing T800. The best bit? Through his tears, which he insisted were merely a symptom of a cold, he managed to choke a semi-impassive "I'll be back."
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 12:31, 11 replies)

George!
George!
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 12:21, 8 replies)

'bullshitters' has been done twice already

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 12:20, 1 reply)

The guy who empties our rubbish chutes, right, I once cut his head off and gave it to a samurai in exchange for drugs

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 12:02, 6 replies)

I used to be Albert marshmallow and Dr. Sakgra. The japes we have.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 11:53, 6 replies)

There's a guy in my office who is nicknamed "Catweazle" behind his back.
This is because of his wispy, straggly grey hair, his bottle-bottom glasses, his stained, old polo shirt-n-tracksuit-bottoms clothing combo, his brown, roll-up stained, chipped teeth, propensity to shave only every few months, and the fact that he talks down to everyone in a bored monotone, due to his being FAR intelligenter than ANYone in the building, which is evinced by him understanding both HTML and being able to set up the pre-flight settings on Adobe Acrobat.

Given half the chance, he will tell you about how all the girls and gays fancy him, and on one stomach-lurching occasion he told us a story about when he was having sex.

He is - of course - a master ninja. And likes PROPER heavy metal - not the pop SHIT.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 11:52, 7 replies)

Predictable answer, scraping the barrel before it's even been filled:
www.b3ta.com/questions/
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 11:50, Reply)

I once came first on this board

(LetsGetDownToIt, Thu 5 Jun 2014, 11:43, 5 replies)