memories of pyromania...
step one:
discard solvent down sinks in chemistry lab
step two:
remember that sinks are linked through the plumbing
step three:
hold lighted matches at plugholes at each sink
step four:
enjoy the lovely little flames!

Or: nestle huge firework rockets in a bonfire built in your tiny back garden. Use a bow & arrow to shoot a flame into the fire (melting said bow + arrow in the process). Duck as fireworks shoot off into the crowd/house/nextdoor's garden etc.

Or: wind up chemistry teacher by striking matches under the lab desks & extinguishing them quickly. watch as he pathetically prowls searching for the source of the smoke.
( Hidden Mouse, Sleeping Kitten Gromada? Gromada!, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 18:52, Reply)

Don't pick up lighters!
I must have been about 11 years old and going through my pyromaniac stage of life! Whilst walking the dog I found a half melted lighter just sticking out the soil. "I'll have that me thinks!" So when I got home I was straight up to my room to have a play with my new find. It lit on the 1st attempt, it lit well!! Would it go out?? Would it f##k! With a flame edging closer to my little hands, and my ass twitching like a rabbits nose I had no option to drop it. What an intelligent 11 year old I was...... straight into my waste paper bin - whoosh! Off I marched to the bog, thinking that a glass of water will sort the problem out. Then my mum who has heard all the comotion marches up stairs - to see my room blazing!! What a scroting I got... Still I didn't get asked to walk the dog again!
(Sweetrelief77, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 18:31, Reply)

I saved everyone once
I woke up one Sunday night back in 2002, needing a cack. I could smell smoke, so I looked out the bedroom window and I realised the neighbour's kitchen on fire. I alerted people, nothing was too badly damaged.
The next day, some little kid who I didn't know came up to me in school and said "You climbed through your neighbour's window when the house was on fire and saved them, didn't you?" I didn't have the heart to lie to them. Oh well.
(Bastard Sloth, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 18:24, Reply)

I believe it is compulsory
for students to be fireraisers. Apart from the scarred fingers from falling asleep fag in hand, and loss of hair and dignity from herbal tabs in bed (thanks Dom for the timely bucket of water), my favourite would be the candle on the windowledge over which I fired jets of laboratory meths from a "super-soaker" water gun. Had to replace most of my furniture from an empty room in another campus block.

Catering drums of dried milk tipped from the ninth floor to be met by ground floor hairspray/lighter flamethrowers gives an effective powder explosion too.

Also, set fire to my dear friend Albert at school in the library. It was sort of an accident - I set fire to his Times while he was reading it, but it went up rather well and he caught briefly.

I've had therapy now, and am safe to be around. Honest.
( godstar, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 18:06, Reply)

too cool for school
Not me, but some "school friends"... our brand new school was going through a spate of fire-drills and some geniuses in my year decided it'd be good to take things a whole stage further. They chose to go down in school history for writing "DEVIL" on the floor in deodorant and lighting it: cue burning letters, an amusingly scorched carpet, one terrified head teacher and a series of talks on devil-worship...
I guess that's the deep south for you... god bless sussex...
(griffster, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 18:02, Reply)

Actual interesting story about chemistry from an arrogant twat...
Seeing as chemistry lessons are as boring as buggery so to speak, normally various attempts are made to liven things up. But this was no ordinary 'set fire to some chemicals unhhh' kinda tale, this was the most cunning and brilliant chemistry plan ever devised. A Bunsen burner has a little ring shaped groove around the top just around where the flame comes out. this ring was just big enough to hide a coil of magnesium.
So the teacher's big experiment for the day comes around, so he leaves his other one alone for a while. He sets about lighting his doctored Bunsen burner and is promptly blinded for a few minutes by an eyeball ravishing white light. He then stumbles around and forgets about his other little experiment which sets on fire too. The whole class pisses itself. The end
(lifelikeandposeable, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 17:34, Reply)

at school we had a tie-setting-on-fire-competition,
which really didn't work too well

not only did we all burn our necks and chins, but when the teachers got wind of "children setting their ties on fire", it was kind of obvious who it was >.<
( stevierar, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 17:31, Reply)

I hosepiped burning white spirits once
and caused a mass of 3-feet tall moving flame that edged slowly towards me and the house...
(Red Fox, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 17:26, Reply)

I've never started a fire,
but I have witnessed my little borther start on. For my moms B-Day I got her an Oil Lamp, and my little brother thought it would be a good idea to light the oil on fire. Well as you can imagine, it went up in flames. These were the biggest flames that I've ever seen, and the ended up starting the chandelier on fire. Long story short the room quickly filled up with chemicals from the fire extigusher and my Dad through the lamp into the sink where we let it burn.
(screamingchicken, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 17:16, Reply)

The Doors
I recall The late singer and part-time botanist Jim Morrison from the Doors singing "Come on baby Light my fire". How bloody irrisponsible is that!! Any sane adult of his era would know that to ask a small child to "Light a fire" is completely obsurd. Toddlers of that age find it impossible to hold matches......
(Mapper, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 17:01, Reply)

I was once playing with some candles in my living room
Just messing around, then one of them fell over. This in turn knocked over the other candle which set fire to the box of tissues causing a little ring of fire which gave my hands and feet a damn good burning.

I have no idea how I managed to get it out just that there was alot of flapping and rolling around.

I also set some magnesium in a test tube on fire and exploded a test tube, showering my classmates in hot glass.
( anythingbutthisactually, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 17:01, Reply)

Join in everybody
'I'm in the mood for dancin'
'Romancin'
'Yeah I'm givin it all tonight'

This is part of a song by the Nolans called 'I'm in the mood for dancing'
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:48, Reply)

My birthday fire
I was 16 and alone and hungry. I was 'cooking' some stuff when the frier caught fire. I sort of panicked and I threw water, on boiling oil. It made a crackling noise and the fire grew. I panicked more so I threw dirty clothes on it to put it out. They also took fire. I ran in the street shouting for help and got my uncle to help me. After burning the kitchen and my hand we finally put it out. Oh and it was my birthday. Moral - never throw water at burning oil and never throw dry clothes at a roaring fire in your kitchen
(Musk ox hygene inspector, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:47, Reply)

As well as my previos post that included a shed burning down,
a quick way to burn off 30% of your hair is this:
In morning apply dax wax to hair. (basically solidified vegetable oil).
Thus turning shaped hair into millions of little candles, with the wick being your hair and the wax obviously as wax.
Go to school.
Perform "burning hair" while forgetting that you are wearing said wax.
Run like fuck to get something to put it out.
Smell of burnt hair for fornight following.
(monsta, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:41, Reply)

Bruce
I seem to recall when the American sex pest Bruce Springsteen sang quiet openly the song " I'm on fire" I deem this to have been a total untruth as if i were in the same situation, "On fire", the last thing i would do is sing about it. I would hastily make my way to the nearest water source and douse myself, thus extinguishing the flames. In conclusion, I strongly suggest that Mr Springsteen keep his ballshit statments to himself!........Tit!
(Mapper, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:37, Reply)

"cough"
Me and my mate never accidently set fire to a hay barn causing tens of thousands of pounds worth of damage about 15 years ago. Honest.
( Hankster, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:35, Reply)

Little Story Of My Fire
Well I was out drinking (as you do when ur a teenager) and me & my mate had found this nice little base where we were surrounded by trees and throught 'this is a great place to get drunk'. So we drank a gd few tins and mary j's and my mate goes 'yo lets get some heat here' so he got my lighter and just lit a wee fire with some sticks. Then he goes 'hmm its not warm enough' so he checks his pockets and pulls out a condom box and bag and started to light those. Hey presto we had a little fire. As I was drunken dazed I noticed another bag right beside this tree that was close to the fire and I said 'yo watch that bag there' and all I remember is looking over about 20 secs later and this big fire emerged. I was now a little worried but my mate said 'na its not a prob is only a little fire'. Well the little fire expanded and took up the whole tree which was fuckin huge. So we had to get our asses out of there, and some man was shining a light from his house down on us, and this is some trippy shit when your stoned and drunk. So we had to do a runner over the river and then down this wee lane. By the time we got away we could see the fire and it was so fucking huge, we could hear sirens goin off and shit. houses. So we were pretty much shittin it, but luckly nothing happened to us. We went by a few days later and seen a big open area where the tree was and all this burnt area. It was pretty funny to us seeing we were drunk and stoned. Ah well stupid stoner stories eh
(GeEsuS, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:32, Reply)

oh, yes even better
This is another lighter based story, in fact it's the same lighter as last time. A cursed lighter perhaps? Anyway this lighter didn't work very well, and when you clicked the electric spark jobby, a distinct lack of flame was often the result. If you kind of half-cocked it, though, gas would come out but no spark and therefore definately no flame would result. In my attempts to determine the exact cause of my lighter's reluctance to do it's job properly, and in order to ascertain whether gas was being evolved i deployed it in this position, placed near my nostrils and inhaled vigerously . It was conclusively demonstrated that this was the case by a slip of my thumb, an electric spark, plenty of previously reluctant fire, burning nostril hair and a sort of startled yelp that greatly amused everyone at the dinner table.
I've since lost the lighter and have not set fire to any part of my anatomy since. coincedence? I think not.
(donksta, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:26, Reply)

How not to make candles
I had some wax. I really wanted to melt it. I decided to put it in a glass bottle, set that in a skillet, and mely it on the stove top. I learned the hard way that too much heat will break the glass bottle, and wax spilled everywhere. I turned my back to throw the broken bottle away and find something to clean up the wax with. I looked back to my oven, and the burner was in flames. I stood there watching it for a moment, wondering who I was going to get myself out of this one. I finally decided that this would be a good time to learn how to use a fire extinguisher. I managed to get the fire under control, but the crap that's in the fire extinguisher made a mess.
And my room mates all came home later and laughed at me.
(pk, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:23, Reply)

Not really a fire but it could have been...
As a kid I loved glow in the dark stuff.
one day I got this glow in the dark bouncy ball set in the style of eyeballs. I really wanted to Super charge it so I ballanced it on the metel frame bit of the lightshade that was attached to the bulb of mums bedside lamp.

Soon completely forgot about it.

About 3 years later, found a nice brown and black crusty burnt bouncy ball which im suprised didnt set itself alight. It had the tiniest bit of no burned parts which still glowed in the dark but i chucked it

What a waste
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:19, Reply)

I remember in one of my chemestry classes
We had to test PH levels of vegetables we brought in. One guy set fire to something like a cabbage which powerd buy its hidded energy, proceeded to roll around the lab at quite a high speed for a vegetable.

Oh, and once my mum left one of those plastic spoons with holes in near a hob which set fore to it, ruiining the dinner. We stil have that spoon...
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:07, Reply)

????????
Work this fucker out :-

Sane - Mentally healthy
Insane - Mentally instable

Firm - Strong and sure
Infirm - Lacking physically strength

Complete - Whole
Incomplete - Not whole

FLAMMABLE - Can be set on fire
INFLAMMABLE - Can be set on fire

It's pissed me off each time I drive past a petrol tanker for wanking years.

PS - Mapper you wanker you've got me at it now
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:07, Reply)

ahh, fire. I've done that.
I set fire to my arm once after trying to fill a butane lighter with the lighter fluid you use in zippos. The flammable contents went all over my arm and when i sparked the lighter to see if my amateurish refueling efforts had worked my arm went whoosh (it caught fire). Ran around a lot, flapping my arm in a comical (to my house mates at least) motion until it went out. No permanent damage done, save for a certain amount of wounding to my pride.
Have also set fire to my dad's chimey, though that's another story and less feverishly exciting.
(donksta, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:01, Reply)

Bong-hat
It was my mate's birthday in the first year of Uni and someone had given him one of those beer hats, with two can holders and a dual straw arrangement. However, we came up with a much better use for it - replace the cans with coke-bottle bongs.

20 minutes later our bong hat was ready and, toting two spliffs, was passed about the room. All was good for the first couple of minutes until we passed it to a guy who was standing under the smoke alarm in the bedroom. Needless to say the emissions from two J's held directly underneath the smoke alarm was enough to set off the alarms throughout the building, despatching the Sussex firebrigade en route to campus.

It was still an excellent hat though.
(jazi, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:00, Reply)

Not me but...
Two friends of a friend of a friend (well, 2 mates of mine from years ago) once needed to dispose of a huge pile of small pieces of card. I cleverly avoided getting involved in this ever-so-slightly-to-the-left-of-legal activity, realising that no good could come of it...

The pair of them showed impeccable logic when they decided to burn the wee booklets, but less than impeccable logic when they decided to do it in the bathroom sink. The ceramic bathroom sink. Which cracked all the way down to the floor, in half. Cranberries.

They then had to do a moonlit flit from the flat.. Hilarious.
( Dekazer, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 15:58, Reply)

Flaming johnny
Rubber johnny + can of Pledge = Richard Branson sized aerosol/condom combo.

Applying a naked flame to said combo results in a massive fireball, a tangible shockwave and an impressive "WOOF" noise.

Not recommended for indoors or for people who value their hair and eyebrows.
(gowithnoakes, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 15:57, Reply)

Does a frog count?
If yes, yes I have started a fire, a hopping fire.
(Cockfosters!, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 15:54, Reply)

Pyromaniacathon
Well, in my life I have set fire to:

My hand
My hair
My leg hair
A roll of toilet paper
A Sara Lee chocolate Danish
Deodorant cans
Bottles of wine
Air freshener
Cigarettes (too many)
and a packet of marshmallows.

All for fun you understand. Does anyone else agree that burning hair smells of popcorn and petrol?
(el pedro, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 15:44, Reply)

One christmas my dad got my mum a toaster
The're divorced.

One thing you must know is my dad always did od jobs to things in the house, most of them success full, but they had a short life span, like the computer he made us (its the crap one at my parents) that always has something wrong with it, but im thankful anyway...

Anyway, this toaster, it didnt work, so we took it back and got a reeplacement that lasted 2 weks, then the last one which my dad picked up for us one day decided to leave to toast inside and set fire to itself. Cause I was a smart kid that watched lots of tv (i was about 8-10) while my mum wanted to chuck water over the thing, i thought about electricity+water was a bad idea so thinking of chip pan fires i dampened a teatowel to cover it after umplugging the damned thing. 2 burned teatowels later it stopped

Oh, and when my sister did chemestry at school, she forgot about the testtube she left held in the bunsen burner and the glass melted, causing whatever it was inside to set fire to the unflamible table
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 15:28, Reply)

In university in Leeds...
The landlord of our student house had been round a few weeks earlier and savagely felled all the trees in our garden and left all the branches and twigs outside the house making the whole place look like the Blair Witch Woods.

So we decided as it was November 5th to invite a load of people over and have a bonfire party. So we cut up all the wood, piled it into a sizeable bonfire and attempted to light it in the traditional way - unwilling to give it some time, a bright spark in the group nips off to the garage and returns with a can of petrol - which he proceeds to pour onto the bonfire without noticing the lick of flame in the depths of the wood.

Cue, eight foot blast of fire! Petrol can catches fire. Unfortunately, the perpetrator's mind deactivates momentarily and he runs around holding the flaming can accompanied by the voices of thirty people shouting 'drop it you twat!'

He finally drops the can which spills out and leaves a lake of burning fuel on the lawn of the house, very close to the pavement and nearby road. As we discuss the relative merits of calling the fire brigade, I attempt to warn passing pedestrians - unfortunately they are not convinced by my 'i'd cross the road mate, there's a load of petrol on fire down there' warning - that is until they feel the searing heat of the three foot column of flaming petrol.

Long story short, whilst our invited guests (and my other housemates) cower around the corner I singlehandedly put out the fire using every single tea towel in the house and a bath mat. Hurrah!

We did manage to light the bonfire which attracted a guy from across the road who long after we'd all gone inside stood out in the pissing rain and stoked the bonfire whilst we peeked out from behind the curtains to watch him dancing around the fire in a tribal fashion. And it attracted another bloke who was off his tits on something and wandered uninvited into our house for a bit, well until we threw him out. Corner of Winston Mount & Headingley Mount, Headingley, Leeds, November 5th 2003 - were either of these people you?

Sorry, that's quite a long story really - not entirely sure it was worth it now?!
( Gnoll, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 15:22, Reply)