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This is a question Have you ever started a fire?

I went to sleep with candles burning - woke up to a circle of flame on the rug. Thought, "Tits. Better put the rug in the bath and turn the taps on." TIP: Don't put a burning rug into a fibre glass bath. I caused about £5000 of damage to the house and was coughing up smoky black phlegm for a few weeks. Can you beat that?

(, Tue 2 Mar 2004, 17:48)
Pages: Latest, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Rocket Power
Last year I was having fun flying a model rocket on a near by hill.

I started to wonder what would happen if I took a solid fuel model rocket motor and launch it sans rocket, the result:
with out the rocket to provide stability it had a spazz attack 2ft of the ground and set fire to the extreamly dry grass.

Fortuatly I was able to use my keen river dance skills to stomp it (not befor there was a 6 foot area of blacken grass).
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 14:05, Reply)
Oh, and another one.
We have been messing around a bit with butane flamethrowers, which of course have been caught on video.


There you go, kids - some inspiration for you. Note the whining sound in the first clip. It's from air coming into the room from all possible places, as the flame uses all the oxygen it can get.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 14:00, Reply)
Sooo many fires
There are just loads, one scary one was at 14, I lived near a river and there were a few emergency floating thingies in boxes to rescue drowning fuckwits with. These boxes were at head height and had a hole in the front to open them with. I emptied a can of deoderant into the hole and held a lighter up in front of it, then "WHOOOOMP", massive fireball engulfed my body, didn't do any me damage but scared the shit out of me. The same could not be said of the box. I hope no-one needed rescuing..
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 13:48, Reply)
Napalm birthday...
OK, a friend of mine and I have been "joking" about the internet being nothing but porn and instructions for making your own napalm.

Well, up comes Miku's birthday and I thought it would be hilarious to give him a bottle of "household napalm" as the label eventually would say. He had a pretty big party at a bar so the present got the attention it deserved. Good gift.

Some time later the napalm turned from "ha ha, funny gift" to "let's go somewhere and try it out". Said and done, we took the stuff and went to a pretty quiet place to light it up. At first it didn't seem to do much so we poured quite a lot more on the ground. Note that this was done on gravel and thus perfectly safe. What we didn't take into consideration was the fact that this particular kind of household napalm has a tendency to create a shitload of black smoke when it eventually caught fire. Another thing we didn't think about that the gentle breeze was heading in the exact direction of the nearest houses.

Good thing was that we had a good smoke-screen for our not so grand exit.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 13:36, Reply)
New and fun toys
Well, I bought a zippo lighter off ebay a few months ago and hadn't got around to buying fluid until yesterday. But last weekend my very drunk self and my very drunk friends decided I needed to put lighter fluid in it, but what kind?? BUTANE of course! (very very bad ideah) So i srapyed butane all over the inside of the lighter, and a little onto the lighter itself. When I tried to light it, it decided to ignite my whole hand. So what do I do??? Drop the fucking thing onto an alcohol covered card table. YES, I am a geius when I am drunk! So here are three drunk people trying to blow out a bunch of flaming cards, while drunk as piss.
Good times, good times.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 13:15, Reply)
Foolish Experiment
When I was at university I decided to see if my cheap nylon curtains were flammable. I did this by holding a lighter to the bottom of them. They were very flammable.

Another time I set fire to my carpet. I'd heard that the shoe polish is easier to apply if you melt it. So I duly lit my Kiwi polish tin, which co-incidentally, is very flammable, and promptly burnt my finger. Putting the lid back on the pot, thinking that that would extinguish the flames, I went to run my finger under cold water. After about 1 minute I began to smell that tell-tale smell of burning. Ran back into the room to find the newspaper I was polishing my shoes on was on fire. Evidently I didn't but the lid back on the pot firmly enough. 30 seconds of frantic goose-stepping on the paper soon put the newspaper out. Totally managed to melt the carpet. Story has a happy ending as I managed to claim a new carpet back by telling Endsleigh that I'd knocked over a candle. Don't think they pay out for people being stupid dicks.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 13:13, Reply)
I didn't start the fire, God did...
A couple of years ago I was in York Minster. Some twat had lit some candles and somehow set fire to my sleeve. I threw my jacket off and burnt a whopper on a kneely pray cushion. It probably belonged to Saint Jesus or something.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 13:09, Reply)
Tip . . .
If you have been foolish/unfortunate* enough to set your/have someone set your* waste paper bin on fire and are planning on stamping the flames out with your foot, check your footwear first. Plastic/Jelly sandles have a disconcerting tendancy to start burning and melting all over the floor/carpet/your foot, in a hot, burny, melty and smelly way. Damn funny to watch someone else doing it though, gave me hiccups for an hour.
*delete as applicable
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 12:58, Reply)
addicted to fire
Myself and several friends have a strange fascination with fire that has resulted in a string of mishaps over the years...

1. When young I set fire to some grass next to a set of back garden fences. The whole set (about 30 panels) went up in flames but luckily all the owners believed that "the big boys did it"

2. At uni myself and a couple of friends decided that it would worthy of our valuable time if we built a fire on the table in the living room. We did, there was fire, there was smoke, there were screams of delight then fear. We didn't burn the house down but it did have a comforting rustic smell for a few months.

3. At uni (I hate students) a small gathering of sophisticated friends descended into a frenzied debaucherous debacle of tree burning which climaxed at 4am with the fire brigade being called out to put out a 30ft confire roaring with funny coloured flames
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 12:40, Reply)
Lighters and Eyebrows
I rememeber this kid at the college where I used to 'work?' at kept asking me for a light for his cigarette. This got annoying after a week of telling the 'chav' bastard to buy his own. Anyway one day I constructed a very special lighter just for this guy. When he asked me for a light I pulled out the modified lighter and gave him a light, the flame being about 2 foot high, proceeded to burn the hair on his eyebrows away. This was 12 years ago, I saw him just the other day and he has to put eye liner on to make it look like he has eye brows. What a bastard I am :)
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 12:39, Reply)
surprised we're still here....
As kids we regularly went into my best mates garage set up a scene with our star wars figures then took the big blue calor gas bottle...attached a length of standard hose pipe to it.....
Turned on the gas
Lit the gas at the end of the hose pipe
and torched chewy and the ewoks......
Home made flame throwers......great fun as long as they don't explode......
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 12:37, Reply)
Kids quest for Santa
As a kid, I though I would be a - funny, and b - clever, if I stuck my head up a chimney in front of my friends, to see if Santa was up there.

He wasn't.

But I set my hair on fire, as an early Christmas present to myself. I tried to hide it from my parents, but burning hair stinks the house up worse than cat piss.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 12:15, Reply)
A'blazing Grace or Sacrilage ?
So, there we were the middle of summer, three 11 year olds climbing on to the pipe at the same time, to get onto the large parafin tank at the back of the church where we used to hang out. Needless to say the combined weight was a little too much for the pipe which promptly split...emptying the contents of said parrafin tank onto the floor and into the stone gutter running around the base of the main wall of the church.....
So, a couple of days later (n.b. middle of summer and still hadn't rained) we were sitting in the grave yard chilling and chatting and I'm flicking matches (I was 11 and none too quick)...one of the matches hits the stone guttering, immediateley igniting the soaked in parrafin which then spread rapidly around the whole of the back of the church !
We then spent the next 20 mins watching from the safety of bushes as the vicar in full frocks etc ran around panicking with various buckets and fire extinguishers......I'm going to hell for that one, especially for laughing at the guy........
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 12:14, Reply)
Breath freshener
True : Exstiguishing matches in your mouth makes your mouth feel fresh and clean.

Just like a smoked haddock I guess!
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 12:14, Reply)
I vaguely remember a schooltrip i was lucky enough to be able to go on to London. Strangely my mother paid for it as a special christmas gift. Anyway, i think it was in 1666 and I was walking down Pudding Lane. Me and one young slut i knew were enjoying a sly cigarette when this fuckpig of a teacher approached. Quickly i discarded the said cigarette into a nearby dustbin. Luckily to my knowledge the teacher didn't find it and the day ended without any further drama. Phew!!
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 12:07, Reply)
For Sale (withdrawn)


I have just noticed that my wardrobe is infact signed by all 4 Beatles, Elvis, William Shakespeare, Ghengis Khan and the Nolan Sisters.

It is now available on Ebay.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 11:53, Reply)
Back in the heady days of the early 90s, our garden consisted of a patch of grass, two fishponds, a rather large wooden shed and three of the largest sycamore trees I've ever seen. The shed had seen many years and the years had not been kind to it. To make room for a new shed [another story] the old one had to go and so did the trees. Barely teenage me was given the job of disposing of these.


Bad idea.

The shed came down quite easily, I only broke one thumb demolishing it. Back from the hospital and a day later I piled up most of the wood and lit it. To say I was not quite prepared for the size and heat output of the fire is a humongous understatement. I ran back to the house, grabbed the hose and spent most of the evening keeping the fences, etc, damp with it. Another fire of similar took care of the rest of the shed and most of the grass in the top part of the garden.

Now for the trees. Have you ever tried to cut down a large tree with a small tennon saw? It takes some doing. It takes the better part of a day. You can't get all the way though the tree with the saw, so it also leaves the tree in a somewhat unstable state. Stupidly I threw a rope up in the tree and start pulling on it. The tree started to fall. Towards me. Oh shit. A ton of ex tree missed me by about an inch. My Mum's response to this was something along the lines of "Well it missed you." A talent for stating the obvious that lady.

Cut forward to the evening of the next day. The tree is chopped up, a fire has been laid out, consisting of lots of tree, a few bits of shed and some newspaper. It was lit, taking warning fro the previous two fires; I kept well back with the hosepipe handy. It smoked a lot. It crackled and spat a lot. It went out. Green wood doesn't burn. Ever resourceful, I got the jerrycan of petrol. Soak the tree, stand back and throw a match.


*Crackle* *smoke* *spit* *Go out*

Now I did something very silly. I threw on more petrol. The fire was not totally out.


I was now holding a burning jerrycan of petrol, one of my shoes was burning quite happily and I was being chased around the garden by a burning stream of petrol issuing from the bottom of the jerrycan. I dunked my foot into the smaller of the two ponds and dropped the jerrycan in as well. Burning petrol floats, so now I had a pond on fire and a tree that was scorched and blackened but very much not on fire. I did the only sensible thing and ran indoors, hoping it would all go away.

The pond eventually burnt itself out; thankfully there were no fish in there. The pond liner had started to burn so bits of tree were used to fill in the hole-that-was-the-pond. The rest of the tree was allowed to dry out over the summer and finally burnt on bonfire night.

The other two trees remained in existence for some more years, until the new neighbours moved in and helped cut them down. I gave my assistance in burning them. I steered clear of the petrol this time.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 11:33, Reply)
More Top Tips (From me not Viz)
1)Canesten cream makes an ideal substitute for natural yogurt. Simply add 20ml to your desired dessert for that tangy taste. Also helps if you have a scaley knob.

2)Sausages make the perfect pen holders. Slide your pen/Pencil gently into the COOKED sausage, nip off the tip and stand it proudly at your desk. You'll be the envy of the office.

3)Dwarfs make the ideal pet.

4)When buying an Orange Laminated Chipboard Wardrobes, shop around.

5)Needles are sharp.

6)Chris Akabussi is a loudmouth wanker. Ignore him if confronted in the street.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 11:27, Reply)
For Sale
1969 Laminated chipboard Wardrobe.
Painted Orange, 1 broken mirror (other mirror missing).

Smells of piss.

All sensible offers considered - buyer collects.

(A similar wardrobe recently sold on Ebay for £3400 - admittedly the left door had been signed by all 4 Beatles and it didn't smell of piss)
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 11:11, Reply)
You'd never have known
I discovered recently that M&M's make perfect eye protectors for gerbils. And, Ladies, never expect your man to kiss you goodnight after you've finsihed Gargling his baby gravy.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 11:04, Reply)
on a school camping trip once...
...we were eating dinner one night on little calorgaz stoves (the ones with the little blue canisters). One of the stoves ran out of gas, so we thought we'd change the canister and get on with cooking the bacon. So dopey-twat kid unclips the old canister and jams the new one in without clamping it in...cue canister shooting out of his hand...jet of compressed gas...more burning stoves...eight-foot high fireball! This, much to our amusement, set his head on fire and burned all the hairs off his body. Fortunatly (?) he wasnt hurt. As well as burning him, the jets of flame had also burnt a foot-wide hole in a tent and destroyed my mate's rucksack - the next day he had to walk 10 miles with a one-strapped rucksack with no bottom to it! HAHAHAHA
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 10:41, Reply)
This mornings TOP TIP

1) Remove undergarments
2) Smear genital area with Marmite / Bovril
3) Engage family pet (preferrably Canine)

Hey-Presto instant blow-job / cunnilingus.

Please note - Vegemite is not recommended due to long term staining of skin.

Experienced users may wish to upgrade to the Salmon paste / Feline version. Beware of unpleasant odour and very rough tounge.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 10:28, Reply)
Back in the day,
when I was a wee chillblain, me and a mate were larking about in my garden in the middle of the summer. Now, there was this huge pile of dry leaves, wood, bits of tree sitting at the end of the garden, which my dad had expressly forbidden us to go near - so what do we do? Yep, 2 matches later it's a towering inferno, setting light to the trees at the end of our garden and getting mighty close to next doors garage. Cue me, my mate and my dad running back and forth with buckets of water and the hose. Oh how we chuckled afterwards...
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 10:08, Reply)
Ahh yes
I find that Clotted Crream Fudge, when heated to the correct temperature can aid the process of nasal hair removal once sniffed. Also i would like to point out that I have a huge cock. My ugly (Ya wouldnt take her night fishing) bitch of a neighbor pointed this out to me as it was crowing to her over the fence one crisp july morning. Oh yes, and one more thing while I'm on the subject, Its now been scientifically proven that dwarfs are more affectionate in general that dogs......
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 10:00, Reply)
Desk lamp danger
To subdue the lighting in my flat I pointed my anglepoise desk lamp straight at and close to a big kapok-filled pillow I bought in Indonesia. After about an hour it began to smell like someone was baking the most delicious cake. Then the pillow began, ever so subtly, to smoke. Then I noticed that liquids spilt on it sizzled instantly into steam. So I put it in the shower and made a lot more steam. I wasn't about to sleep with this monster wet steaming death-pillow in my bathroom so I lugged it outside and dumped it in the courtyard... where, at 6am, the security guard saw it steaming and gave it a kick... which disintgrated the cover and allowed oxygen into its insides. It left scorch marks on the third floor and took eleven fire extinguishers to put it out. The next morning the whole courtyard was ankle-deep in singed kapok.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 7:52, Reply)
The Great Chipmunk Fire of '79
Was started when a cipmunk entered my garage and ingested some fertiliser and then ran into a can of kerosene. It turned into a tiny little teeny little flying molotov cocktail and ran amok through the town, completely levelling the whole neighbourhood west of Newtons Hardware store
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 7:51, Reply)
Just Close The Door
When my dad was about 16, he lit his bed on fire, and couldn't put it out.. Instead of telling someone, he just left the room and closed the door like nothing happend, hoping no on would find out...

Needless to say.. they found out...
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 6:22, Reply)
this on time
i set my hair aflame, pretty stupid eh? I don't recommend it. P.S Thats what you get with a 60oz bottle of rum, and a lighter with a massive flame
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 5:44, Reply)
evil death cheese
I remember catching a whole bunch of flies in a kodak film canister, but my uncle was walking up the stairs. I knew he would dissaprove of me capturing the flies, so I hid the canister above a flurescent lamp. My uncle and I talked for about 5 minutes--and as the conversation ensued, burning plastic mingled with the carnage of smoldering fly-guts slowly melted down from the lamp like an impure cheese. Lovely, right?
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 5:41, Reply)

ME and my mates decided to make a morter. So off we go to tesco and the local diy shop, buying cans of hair spray, drain pipes, blow torch and butane cans, firelighters, asked if we're up to anything dodgy we replied "no" :)

Dug a hole in the ground, put plastic pipe in it, set fire to the bottom with the firelighters and put a can of hairspray at the bottom, then got my friend to shoot the can with an air rifle at rather close range. Unfortunatly he is fine and still blowing things up.

This thing gave off one hell of a draught, it was cold out, and the blast of hot hairspray smelling air warmed us right up. If you look at the pic you can see the can actually launching into the air, this was our only sucessful attempt, it wentt about 40 foot into the air. Was really cool

Edit: Don't try this at home?

click me for a bigger version

(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 4:10, Reply)

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