None of your business but...
Her name was Jillian. She was deeply hot. Unfortunately she was also extremely boring but that doesn't really matter when you're 13. She said she wouldn't give it up until she was married and then when she was 17 lost it to a ginger. That jerk. He hit me in the face with a huge loaf of fibreglass once, hurt like a bastard.
Second love was the Japanese exchange student, who as far as I could tell couldn't speak a word of English, but was *kawaii* as they say. Possibly premeditated my moving to Japan.
Third would be Jennifer, the barkeep of my local, who broke my heart, followed by my good friend Kirsty, who ruptured my spleen and sold my kidneys on the open market, but at least I got a shag - And we're still friends!
Then my most recent ex, who in all fairness I can't have loved that much, othewise I wouldn't have broken up with her and fled the country.
No more. I'm strictly breaking other people's hearts from now on.
I agree. Somebody needs to post something funny, and fast.
(weirzbowski, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 13:04, Reply)

My first reet love
Well my first real love? ok
We where both 15 (although she was a year below) and in secondary school. I always thought she was ace with a cracking chest and used to get the bus home with me, untill one day sat at the bus stop she suddenly decided to sit on my knee - then the next day well.. you can guess!
Anyway to cut a long story short about a week or so later the first real snog was behind mcdonalds at teesside park (well I was 15? Where else would i take her for dinner!?)
A week after that? Using my inexperience in banging the brains out of things on her.

Then I left school and went to college, didnt see her again for 12months... That was untill september this year, By pure chance she's come to the same college as me (rare, as college i go to is well out of the way) and i'm now shagging her a again, a bonus as she's lost a stone since before!

There goes my proper posting virginity - the first one dosnt count.. like when your 10 in the cloakroom and th... no? OK!
Apologies for length, girth etcetc
(bunta, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 12:58, Reply)

Lesley Keale
Junior school, fancied her rotten, never told her, she was moving to Wolverhampton, offered to give me her address so we could write, at 5 years old I was far to cool to be seen fraternising with girls - what would my mates think after all, so I didn't take it. Then realized the enormity of this, I would never ever see her again, so at home burst into tears and went to bed. Had to lie to my mam and dad that I felt sick rather than admit my heart was broken. Any 5 year olds out there, swallow your pride rather than ending up bitter and twisted like me, you won't regret it!
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Thu 27 Oct 2005, 12:01, Reply)

I remeber my first love
I shat on her tits
( slippery doctore, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 11:02, Reply)

Hurrah for Red Coats!
ahhh... late 70's possibly early 80's... On Holiday at Butlins Filey, a particluary fit female Red Coat who i THOUGHT was my bestest mate... blonde hair, blue eyes, tons of makeup, massive chest - she looked wonderful!

I'd go find her every day, i'd join the knobbly knee contest, the 'shaking stevens' dance off - the lot - just to be around her. For a whole week i was in love and on cloud 9!

On the last day as mi dad packed the Cortina i found her to say goodbye, maybe ask her to marry me and run off together to Bridlington, she went to give me a kiss good bye, i got a little excited/paniced and i planted a full on song (i was about 7 or 8) and was TOTALLY MORTIFYIED - she looked a little shocked too.

I ran away, got in the car and told mi dad to get back down the A64...

I was heart broken for the rest of the 6 weeks holiday, i'd ruined such a beautiful and unrequited love, spoilt what could have been a perfect match... but even now i remember her peroxide blonde hair, thick red lipstick, voluptous knockers.... ahhhhh.....


God i bet she could have suck-started a double decker bus
(TheManofScience, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 10:40, Reply)

My first love was a blue hedgehog
called Sonic. Ah the sega mega drive. 13 years later and we still have a strong active relationship.
(rosstheboss, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 10:10, Reply)

Pass the Parcel Hell
His name was Kelvin, he 5 or 6 years old. He had invited me to his birthday party. I put on my pretty little flowery suit for this special occasion.

Great fun was being had by all, until we sat down to play pass the parcel. I was handed the parcel, the music stopped so it was my time to leave the circle. As I stood up to do so, i stood on my skirt which i pulled down to my ankles. There i was, all of 5 years old standing in front of the boy i 'loved' with my bright pink Barbie pants on display.

I acted so mature about it. I ran and hid behind the door crying and refused to move until my mum came to get me. Needless to say, romance didn't blossom.
(The Kinkster Returns, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 9:44, Reply)

First Girl
We were 6, she was called Lisa Scott and a little blonde hottie! Her dad was a Major or something.
We went out for ages, i used to headbutt the filing cabinet to show how cool i was. We even did the whole "Show me yours and i will show you mine" thing behind the living room door.

She cried when i left germany.

Strangly enough, the only blonde i ever went out with. Redheads are much better ;o)
(Fishbone-didi, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 8:52, Reply)

I'm not sure this was love after all...
She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
(apologies_for_length, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 5:56, Reply)

It must be love, love, love DUN DUN DUN!!!!!
I ended up getting with a girl i once considered an evil ice queen bitch!

Never talked to her until about 5 months ago when we decided to go for a drink (i was going to make the peace coz she's mates with my friends so i was feeling a bit awkward!) we really hit it off after what i thought was a doomed date (i'll save that for another QOTW!) now shes the love of my life and i couldn't be happier.

She also is currently living in Scotland at uni, and i'm near London so the distance gap hurts but its love so its all good.

*POP* ladies and gentlemen.....my posting cherry!


No appologies for pointlessness, length or any of the crap, i'm in love so STFU! HA!
(Xyphious : Sinkin' Gin since '85, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 23:29, Reply)

My first love
Guess what the most important thing in his life was?

Me?
No.

His record collection?
No.

His family?
No.

It was his hair.

Unsurprisingly, I dumped him and took my engagement ring to the charity shop.
(Pachey, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 23:10, Reply)

As most things like this happen
We used to slag each other off like nobody's business in the playground at school. I started a vicious rumour than she kissed Scott Povah (the butt of many jokes in my yeargroup, association with him was comparable to admitting you liked to lick cat's arses. Sorry Scott, but you were pretty filthy) while she implied that I was "a big fat schmerald".

A few years later and would have liked to "get with her" as the kids say these days.
(the_fracturedpope, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 20:38, Reply)

not quite the first
twas the evening of school leaving prom, many fired up girls looking for their chivalrous companion for the evening, even more adolescent young boys looking for anything- that included me, i was wide eyed and full of anticipation at the grand age of 16- looking for that first time away from the wrist. The evening started well, quietly sipping the vodka that was smuggled in by someone, the first bunch of slow songs arrives, i saunter up to Tracy from my geography class and casually ask her if she would like to come and dance, you can imagine her immediate response to a 5'0 16 year old virgin cant you?? FUCK OFF, came the reply, i vanished for more voddy, never mind i think, the night is yet young, try later, second attempt is with friend of Tracy, Rebecca- altho, looking back, fuck knows why, her eyes were bigger than her tits...... anyway, the same response as the first, FUCK OFF you little smelly cunt, harsh i know, i wasnt a cunt in them days. By this time the voddy has been drunk and the few of us that hadnt pulled were running on pure adrenalin (and desperation) so i turn to Theresa, and then my charm sparkles through, "hi Theresa, I have been watching you all night and have only just got the courage to ask you to dance" i say, all sweetly, trying not to sound TOO desperate "dont wanna dance with you" she says with a wry smile, so, about to call it a day i just wander off, when she comes up to me and says "just cause i dont wanna dance, dont mean i dont wanna have a fuck- are we going outside??" and there we have it, friends, i became a man that night, my wrist has never forgiven me, and she dumped me 2 days later for a 20 year old bloke who knew how to have sex- bothered?? i was a man. 2 weeks later my mates mum taught me an awful lot more than i had seen that first night.........
(superyid100, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 20:37, Reply)

"Paging Dr Freud"
My first love was a leggy blonde woman in a bikini and large basooms who would frequent the pool where I was learning to swim.

I hatched a plan where I would somehow sneak up behind my nameless love on my bike, kidnap her, and keep her tied up in my basement until she learned to love me.

Like all the best plans, it was doomed to failure from the start.

I blame the insurmountable age difference.

I was five.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 19:14, Reply)

Waaaahhhh
I don't think I've been in love! Unless you count my right hand. Left one's not so keen, bit of a clumsy lover. Makes an awkward* love triangle.

*downright embarrassing, if caught.

Apologies for pointlessness, but you know you love wanking
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 18:55, Reply)

Christ
on a bike!!
My g/f's name is Melissa, she is teh best. Now that I have realised I'm emotionally retarded, I seem to be able to deal with how I feel about her. She rocks. So they're not all bad.....
( D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Wed 26 Oct 2005, 17:58, Reply)

Ahhhh, happy days
Brian* owned a shiny suit, white socks, slip on shoes and was emmensely proud of his souped up Ford Escort and spiky hair.

And HE dumped ME...the shame

*Name changed to protect the guilty.
(Peelmytangerines, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 17:10, Reply)

I was her first love
When I was 16 and at college doing GCSE's I really fancied this girl. I think her name was aspidistra or something like that. She had really, really fugly best friend called Natasha. Imagine a human version of a vietnamese pot-belly pig...

Unfortunately, Natasha asked me out. I knew that if I refused, Aspidistra would hate me, thinking I'd said no because of her looks.As it was I just didn't know her at all. We were probably from different planets.

So I foolishly said yes, thinking it was my best chance of ever going out with Aspi... and it turned out I was her first ever boyfriend (gives you some idea of her looks - she was 16).

Only thing was, while I found Natasha really difficult both on the looks and personality front, she rapidly became obsessed with me. She wrote me horrible little notes every single lesson, and wanted to spend her every waking hour with me.

She'd get upset about me having friends who weren't her, and she'd lecture me about smoking because she imagined spending the rest of her life with me, and didn't want me to die too early.

Not surprisingly I coped for three weeks, and then told her I didn't want to know. Of course, she didn't want to hear, and kept trying to talk me out of it. Aspidistra hated me too. How could I do such a cruel thing?

As it happened, I became a Christian a few days after I started trying to get out of the relationship, so I fed her some crock about not wanting to be in a relationship right now, because I didn't want to be tempted to go too far sexually (shudder). It worked - Hallelujah!!

Apologies for length. God made it that way.
(teasus likes tea, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 16:11, Reply)

Yes. It was Melissa
but im not going to ramble on about her for i was in primary school and her best mate was and still is the fattest person ive ever met.

but anywho, on with the story.
her name was cheri, and we met im secondrary school. god, now that i think about it i cant even remember what year it was, about year 10 i think, as i was around 15.

we met in science, as we were in the same class, we got on well, excanged phone numbers and chatted loads. then i asked her out and she said yes, my god i was over the moon.
i used to finger her at dinner time (dirty sod) and i genuinley loved her. the first time we had sex, was when her parents went away and her gran was looking after her at her house. i snuck in and we played hide the salami whilst her gran slept in the next room. more than once, on more than one occasion.

she wrote almost everything we did down in a diary (bad news) aswell, which didnt help as you will find out.

anywayz, she went on holiday to spain and got off with a 14 year old spaniard called Jose. although i didnt believe the romours, there was one lad who kept telling me the truth about it, but i didnt believe him either.

then, shock horror. a few weeks later her mother (absolutely mad as a hatter) read the diary, and promptly called my mam and told her about me sleeping with her.. then my mam made me go and tell my dad, to which his response was "oh, nice one" hahaha still makes me laugh today. then cheri and psycho mother came over to my house, and me, mum, cheri, and psycho mother had a cosy little chat. which was when i found out the truth. she had cheated on me with jose, as her mother so happily informed me. and showed me a photo of the meatball headed spainsh love god. hahaha, ugly twat he was.

then her mother made me stay away from her, when she found out we were meeting in private. god damn. then cheri (the ex) started to fucking hate ME! and she was the one who cheated! bloody women eh....


more recently, i was seeing my ex for a week, and she fucked somebody else, bloody promiscous whore. and it was one of my mates who didnt know i was seeing her.
and she didnt tell me.and id been after her for ages aswell.

and my other ex is stalking me.

so there it is. i wonder if you can have like mental health checks on people before you get involved. would be good for me.
nevermind eh, i dont care anway.

appologies for the randomness. the length also seems to attract bad women. balls.

edit : fuck me thats the longest thing ive ever written, even in school!
(Geoff Leopard, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 14:41, Reply)

not so much my first love, more my first gang rape
Ahhh Jenny. It seems like it was just yesterday. She was 11, I was 5. Our friends said it would never work out...

Little did they know that I was a member of the Kisser Machines. There was only one other member (who is curiously now a b3tan as well). Every break-time, we would jump onto the older girls and hang off their jumpers until they kissed us.

We had a fair amount of success, working our way through most of year 6. But after a while our daily conquests left us feeling empty and shallow. We never really managed to get beyond first base. Maybe if Rohypnol had been around things would have been different.

Anyway, if any of year 6 are reading this and want to feel the touch of real men again (instead of the bumgays you've undoutably resigned yourselves to), Scoobs and I are ready and waiting.

(Scoobs - you bring the Rohypnol, I'll bring the funnel.)
(spastic_lequeer, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 14:29, Reply)

His name was Phillip
We were together from reception to year 3, which is when he told the whole class that I'd snogged him when I hadn't. So I dumped him in the middle of Maths. Everybody laughed.

Am I the only Melissa posting? I feel so guilty, I've torn so many hearts... :(
(The Disillusioned Starburst, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 14:20, Reply)

So cruel
I must have been about 8. There was this white haired little freckley girl called Sarah, who had made it clear that she fancied the pants off me. I, however, was far more interested in bike stunts and football (and besides, she was an annoying ugly little bitch). Sooo, valentines day comes around, and at the end of the school day, she approaches me, gives me a sweet smile and says 'I spent all last night making this for you', and hands me a card in a pink envelope with a big red heart on it.

For some reason, I tore the card into little pieces in front of her.

Then kicked her in the vag.

I still wonder what was in the card.
(something clever about willies and sex wee, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 14:00, Reply)

Desolation Angel...
... you are abso-fucking-lutely right.

i know that i'll never feel as much for anybody ever. maybe for child number 2. we'll see.

mrs belly feels the same, though. initially it's hard to find that you are suddenly only number 2 on her list as well.
( bierbelly, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 13:16, Reply)

Here I sit, alone and thirty
Mike Riley, at school. We were 9 or 10 and he had different-coloured eyes. I was *so* in love. Little shit probably never even noticed me. No-one ever does. Or if they do I think they're joking and laugh at them. Can we make a list of the loved-up people on here and kill them horribly? Pretty please with sugar and flamethrowers?
(littlesunshine licked your blinky diodes on, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 12:48, Reply)

Wanna know what love is....?
Until about 8 years ago, I thought I knew what love was, having been something of what can only be referred to as a jack-the-lad in my younger , single days.

From the early primary school 'loves'of Corinne Stokes, Sarah Jones, Gillian Sherlaw and Sarah Blenkinsop, through the heady grammar school days where I can only remember having crushes on various teachers (it was an all boys school, so we were a bit limited for choice) - Miss Walton, Mrs Patterson, Mrs Woods, to the college year 'loves', Jean Harris, Karen Parkes, Kay Gerrard...the list goes on.....right through to Mrs Angel who I thought I loved more than anyone else in the cosmos...

I thought I was a battle hardened veteran who'd seen it all, done it all, and even flogged the t-shirt on ebay.....but guess what? Nothing, and I MEAN NOTHING can prepare you for the rush you get at the birth of your first child....... Love? If you ain't got kids, you haven't got a clue what you're talking about.....
(Desolation Angel, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 12:43, Reply)

first pull ever
on holiday on one of those sunsites caravan parks in france. me 12, she 13. snogged with tongues and she told me to feel her boobies. unsure really of what to, i tried to access said boobies by sticking my hand down the neck of her jumper but got my hand caught on her necklace and it snapped. she started crying and going on about how it belonged to her grandma or something. so i fingered her ugly mate instead.
(skindley, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 12:31, Reply)

my fust love was....
Maria Eaton, wonderful breasts, sadly I never got my hands on them...I could barely talk to her let alone ask her "out".

but when she spoke...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Schoolboy crush(ed), long time ago.

the end
( Jinkeys! bumflakes, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 11:55, Reply)