a bra!
I lived in a shared house many years ago and once when I used the communal washing machine I found a mystery bra in with my stuff. It was about my size so I just kept it. A few weeks later it was draped over a chair in my room when one of my flatmates (who was a lovely girl) came in for a chat and noticed it. She said "Oh, that's funny, I've got a bra just like that somewhere" then you could see her face changing as she realised that she hadn't seen her bra for some time..."yes, just like that...". There was a bit of an nasty, awkward pause while she digested the fact that I'd probably been going through her underwear drawer and stealing her lingere. She didn't say anything about it and neither did I. On reflection I should have just admitted everything at the time but I was too embarrassed. Instead I went to a huge amount of trouble to find an identical bra and buy it. I left the original near the washing machine in the hope that she'd find it and think she'd just left it lying around. I also made sure that the duplicate bra was on constant display in my room so that she could see that there really were two bras and I hadn't stolen hers! I don't know if it worked because I moved out shortly afterwards and didn't speak to her much after that. The worst thing is that a year later she found out she had cancer and died not long after. Now whenever I think about her all I can think is how guilty I feel for unintentionally stealing her bra.
(Mary Mandolin still had it on, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 19:05, Reply)

Fishing for Luckies
As well as baing a pretty decent album, is a term for hunting down th eback of a sofa for stuff.
(kitescreech still here, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 18:53, 2 replies)

Money
i looked down the back of my fish tank and found a check for £30
i also found out just the other day that sweded and norway look just like a big Cock!
(Smallman, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 18:51, 2 replies)

Just found out
that fishnet-style tights* make my legs look highly climbable to a young, impressionable kitteh - now sporting some lovely long, red scratches.

Hopefully will find some Savlon now...

_{* the fashionable "holey" kind, I didn't go to work dressed as a hooker ... that's just a Friday thing}
(Penguins_Made_Me_Do_It is a dolt ... and she don't care, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 18:40, 6 replies)

I recently found a sister
She is one of the smashingest people I've ever met. Her courage in the face of adversity is inspirational, as is her integrity. She has the warmest heart and twinkly persona.

I love her to bits.

As little as 5 years ago, I would have regarded having to resort to the internet to meet new people as more than a tad sad. Now I'm eating those words.

Hurray for b3ta!
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 18:39, 10 replies)

I just found
that eating a large tub of carrot sticks in a few minutes makes my tongue feel rather odd...
( Mellicious is made of candy, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 18:17, Reply)

Three grand in mouldy purses
My great aunt died a few years ago, and as seems common for many old biddies (probably as a result of living through 2 World Wars) she just would not throw anything away.

Examples include emptying chips into paper napkins and squirrelling them away into her handbag (which ended up going mouldy) and using old newspapers as roof insulation (which also ended up going mouldy).

Anyway, when the crazy white-haired old dear finally passed on, there was a house literally FULL of useless old crap. Maggie Thatcher dinner plates, rubber dog toys (she didn't have a dog), People's Friend magazine from the 1960's, Mills & Boon large print "novels", etc.

Anything that wasn't completely skanky and disgusting was boxed up and shipped back to the house I was sharing with my sister, and stuck in the spare room. Where it stayed for 4 years.

I'd been away to uni, and my sister hadn't shown the slightest interest in sorting any of it out, and when I returned we went our separate ways, with her leaving me to deal with the room full of shit.

I started going through it, and found a Tesco bag of very mouldy old purses. I knew my great aunt had a predilection for collecting little things like that, but there must've been 30+ purses of various shapes and sizes.

Due to their decaying state, I very nearly chucked the whole bag out in one go.

However, I thought it would be wise to check 'em, just in case. I was expecting to find coppers and a few bits of silver, but nothing more.

The first purse I opened - stuffed with fivers. The second - stuffed with twenties. The next one, stuffed with tenners.

Each purse was stuffed to the gills with notes of various denominations.

I counted the lot out and came just short of £3,000.

I gleefully went round spending it over the next few weeks, until someone pointed out most of the notes were no longer legal tender - luckily the Bank of England would still accept them and convert to modern day notes!

A very very nice surprise when going through some very very mucky bits of memorabilia and tat.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 17:59, 3 replies)

How to save lots of time
I've found that if you scan the qotw from bottom to top, you can see which boring clown has posted. (you know who they are) That way you can save yourself some stupid pun and just skip to the more interesting ones.
Maybe this should be in 'top tips'
(reinvented, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 17:28, 6 replies)

There once was a woman named Cat
Who had the most wonderful twat
Lovely and tight
It gave me a fright
When I found that my dick was too fat
(Ethong is enjoying Cardiff. Especially Bogiez., Wed 12 Nov 2008, 16:59, 5 replies)

I've also just found...
A tightly folded £1 scottish note that a friend gave to me 2 years ago at uni before we all left to go back home, folded up in my coin pocket of a pair of jeans I must've worn and washed a hundred times since!

**Reminisces about the good old days**
(gin'll fix it, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 16:35, Reply)

I once found....
... A dead crab on the beach whilst on a caravan holiday in Great Yarmouth. He had one claw, had been dead quite some time and no doubt smelled like an old mans grot collection. I lovingly named him 'Mcguyver'.

I took him back to the caravan and kept him in an empty ice cream tub, which for some reason i filled to the brim with water. Occasionally i would whip him out and re-create the opening Mcguyver credits, culminating in the slow motion fall off a cliff, that i thought added a whole level of class to proceedings. I'm still not sure if i did all this to gross my brothers out and make them laugh or if i genuinely loved that little crab of mine.

After two weeks in the....'sun'... i somehow managed to smuggle him home and after a further three, a miracle occured! He came back to life and escaped his plastic tomb and headed for who knows where!? I was overwhelmed with happiness when my mum told me all about it!

Some of you may be waiting for some kind of punchline right about now..... All you're going to get is me feeling ashamed that all of the above is absolutely true (callin my mum a liar?).

The oddest thing was, the next year...on the beach........ I found a single crab claw!










And i took it home.
(Billyfindus Shy and retarded since, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 16:33, 2 replies)

Well two things.
The first is from a Friend, A very good friend I trust but also a little of topic.

At the end of term they always used to have muck up day where he went to School and they would see what kind of things they could unleash on the teachers to find when they came in to School that day. One of the lads who went to this school lived on a Farm and decided that they would sneek 3 pigs (Actual Pigs not Police) into the school the evening before an paint on these three Pigs 1, 2 and 4. So the teachers came in to find 3 pigs painted 1,2 and 4 and the whole day was spent looking for mystery pig no.3 ahhhhhh I can see it now teachers and kids running round screaming all day.....Never did find that Pig.

And the 2nd.

Well we were about 11 / 12 at school and found a security hole in the Network (We are talking 9 or so years ago) and decided to place porn on all of the PC's at school. This happened just before the weekend and all the Teachers came in to find porn infested PC's! We think SWEET. Until that is we get caught, Parents get involved and a very upper lip straight cut christian father of mine does not find it amuzing. This is also the day I found my father has no sence of humor at all.

Oh and what the hell......

Number 3 !!!!

We got a School trip to Chessington world of Adventures an we were walking around and I saw this Red coloured peice of paper on the ground like I have never seen before. I pick it up and its a fresh crisp £50 note. Us little snot bags all ditched our lunchbox food and sat in a delight of Pizza Hut and McDonalds :D
(tfi049113 Was found alive on, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 16:20, 5 replies)

Lost
Apologies definatly off topic but stay with me...

Ok so after being single for 6 months and after loosing faith in all girls in general i met a brillian girl. been dating for a week and the big night comes, after a few drinks in town we laughingly go in to a 24hr store and by a fun-pack of condoms. get home and proceed to have pretty impressive sex for someone with 6 months of bollock juice backed up only after discover the condom is GONE - cue drunken laughing and searching the room for the best part of an hour tofind it - and the lady err "checking inside herself" (apparently not pleasent at all!) and never finding it... well the lady in question lives with me and while moving we expected to find said item while moving the bed etc... nope its still gone... where we do dont know - but since its months later and she has not gone in to toxic shock we assume its not in her! has this ever happerned to anyone else?
(jordanchaos isn’t just any PeaRoast, this is a M&S PeaRoast, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 15:45, 38 replies)

Dog walking free treats
i walk my 2 jack russel terriers every day and without fail i always find something worth taking home with me. Some of the more choice items include:

Marine Band Radio set.
Full size metal toolbox - complete with tools.
Dyson upright hoover (with a broken drive belt which cost me 2 quid to replace - result!)
Rabbit hutch
Various PC's
mountain bikes

People amaze me these days - they dump perfectly good stuff which could easily be repaired. Still their loss is my gain.

Although my wife has now banned me from bringing any more stuff home. :(
(funkenstein Be pure! Be vigilant! Behave!, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 15:41, 1 reply)

At a work party...
I was waiting at the busy bar to get served (£1 a drink!), when I looked down and spotted a tenner on the floor.

Swiftly dropped my wallet near it and picked up the tenner with it.

After this stroke of fortune, I proceeded to get the drinks in for the rest of my colleagues who thanked me when I returned to my table. Only a tenner thought I, not going to be missed by anyone and not worth saving myself.

All fine until I went to the bar later, and seemed to be short of ten pounds from my wallet.

Yes, the dropped note must've been mine all along...
(gin'll fix it, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 15:34, 1 reply)

I forgot!
The Phantom Knickers

This was a few years ago, I was seeing a delightful young lady and we were being extremely frisky; so much so that it didn't surprise me when I found some discarded ladies underwear in my washing one day (I didn't use a laundrette, washing machine at home - this is important).
The next time I saw her, I mentioned she'd left some scanties at mine and passed them back to her. She looked surprised, and then her expression changed as she opened out the knickers. You see, I hadn't really taken it in before, but this was the biggest pair of knickers you ever saw in your life.
I'm oblivious. I don't notice extraneous details. I just saw lady pants and gave them back. I'm also faithful, and I had no idea where these had come from.

Her face shifted. You could see her thought process. Was I fooling round on the side with a hippo? Or was this a deliberate, calculated insult? As she looked at them, I started to wonder too - had she planted them in my flat to cause a scene so she could dump me with an excuse?
We split up shortly after - about 20 minutes later, to be precise.
And to this day, I have no dea where the phantom knickers came from.
(davywavy, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 15:28, 7 replies)

almost off topic... but not
Party a find partly a steal…. Legally grey I guess.

*wavy lines*

Im living alone in Brighton, it’s still “summer” and its my first month out of rehab and in the city – newly single and close to the end of the month.
I have £10 and it must stretch to food for 3 days… its fine… I can handle it… people live for a fortnight on that… going to be a lame weekend though! No booze no smokes…

So a few frozen pizza’s some bread, cheese, pot noodles and as victory a £1 can of Carlsberg for under a tenner.

So im queuing up and the guy behind the counter is eying up some jailbait emo hottie who is playing with a rather annoying tinny electronic birthday card that sings “happy birthday to you” or if you open and close it fast “ha ha ha ha ha” im about to say “look mate can you pay attention to packing my stuff, I want out of here then you can bone the primary school goth-lite” by then he gives me my change £27

I go shopping and im making a profit!

I walked down western road in a daze, brought a pack of ‘reds and a pint from a trendy overpriced bar and watched the sun set.
Later I drank an entire 3L box of cheap wine… life was very good.
(jordanchaos isn’t just any PeaRoast, this is a M&S PeaRoast, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 15:21, 2 replies)

Not found, but lost
That snooty vet who visits my mate's farm lost her engagement ring. Stuck-up cow.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 15:09, 7 replies)

I was routing around the attic the other day
and I found an original copy of the bible.

Which was nice.
(silkysean pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 14:31, 1 reply)

thong, thong, thong, thong, .... thongs!
After moving into an apartment in Sydney the first time I went to use the tumble drier I found it full of knickers.... lots and lots of knickers. In fact there must have been about 20 thongs in there alone!

Personally I probably only own about 20 pairs of undies so I can only imagine the previous occupant had in fact left pretty much their entire supply of skimpies and would have to survive on just the ones they had on for a while.

Living on the 11th floor I decided after a drunken night out it would be a good idea to chuck them off the balcony allowing it to rain knickers on the street below.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 14:05, 3 replies)

I Just Found
Possibly teh cutest thing I will see this year...SFW

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7723868.stm
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 13:38, 4 replies)

I once found
An intelligent post on /talk
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 13:31, 21 replies)

Porn
Always porn.

Walking home one day, found in the middle of the road (literally) a good few kilos of mixed grumble - of wildly varying kinks and fetishes extending as far as shemale bondage to food insertion.

Inevitably, at work also; Pottering around installing some AV software years ago, what do I find but a good few gigs of the finest (and wierdest) bondage porn imaginable in c:\private (of all places). Took a copy (obviously) then rm'ed it all, replacing it with a file called BUSTED YOU DIRTY FUCKER.TXT

This was almost a weekly occurence, my porn collection grew over the course of that contract to such a dizzying degree it would make your head spin (and your mind boggle at the depths of depravities your colleagues could engage in).

Ended up wanking like an inmate for weeks.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 13:22, 2 replies)

Something I Have Found While Cleaning
I have discovered that, while carrying out domestic chores, it's always best to check the products you are using before beginning the task in hand.

I tend to commandeer the lving room in my shared house as I have the smallest bedroom and none of my other housemates seem to mind this, but the unwritten rule is that I take charge of the cleaning and maintenance of said room.

On one occasion I had merrily washed the floor and hoovered and had began the dusting process. I was scooshing polish around in liberal doses on the skirting board, the fireplace and windowsills. By this point I was beginning to wonder why I felt slightly queasy and a bit faint. I went for a drink of water before beginning work on the television.

I picked up the tin and glanced at the content as I squirted some more into the duster. I had spent the previous ten minutes spraying and cleaning the furniture with oven cleaner.

Just as well I noticed before I used it on the TV.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 13:19, 2 replies)

Stuff I've found about life.
Many years ago, back when I lived in Canada, I found myself in love. I was sure she was the one – she had long sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, and the sexiest smile you’ve ever seen. She was gentle, kind, and had a wicked sense of humour. I shall call her Erin, for that’s her name.
I pined for her for years; she attended my parent’s church, so I would often find myself getting up early on Sunday mornings, just to spend that hour with her. After the service, I would drive her home, and we would play on the Super Nintendo, or go for drives in the countryside.
We became good friends, and grew closer together than I ever thought I could achieve with such a beautiful person. My heart would strain before I saw her, and ache when we said goodbye. She consumed me, and I my sole purpose in life seemed to be making her the centre of the universe.
Then, one day, a mutual friend said to me that I shouldn’t talk to her anymore. Erin didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I was heartbroken.
I plunged to a level of depression that most Emos can only dream of. My poetry would have made Robert Smith cry. I stopped caring for myself – stopped shaving, brushing my teeth, laundering my clothes. I was in a state.
Eventually the fog lifted, and I began to find there was more to life than pining after this girl. I got a new job, made some new friends, and started over with my life.
In my new job, I met another girl. She wasn’t the same as Erin, and didn’t stir the same feelings. We did spend a lot of time together, and we ended up being more like brother and sister – we each had our emotional baggage, and we provided support to each other. But I found my life was moving forward, at any rate.
Then, out of the blue, I received a phone call.
Erin.
She didn’t sound right; her speech was a bit slow, but it was her. I was talking to her again!
I quickly discovered why she was speaking differently. In the years between, she had been suffering from Chronic Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, and had quickly deteriorated from having a tremor in her hand to walking with a cane to now being confined to a wheelchair.
I have never felt such anger and sorrow at the same time. How could her God do this to her? No one deserves this, but least of all her. She was pure sunshine, and now her light was covered with twenty-four hour nursing care. Life, ladies and gentleman of B3ta, is not fair.
We began to connect again. It turned out that the reason she stopped communicating with me was that she was frightened – she had never had such strong feelings for anyone as she had for me, and she wasn’t ready for a relationship.
I went and visited her, and I found her to be only a shell of the woman I loved. Hunched over in her wheelchair, I would push her outside and hold cigarettes to her lips so she could smoke. She was sad, no doubt, but she and I still sparked. She quickly became happier, and we decided to see each other more often.
Her mum, as a slight aside, is one of the hardest working, selfless people I have ever met. She worked herself to the bone to care for her daughter, and we forged a friendship. Her mum confided in me that she was so glad that Erin called me, as she had been so sad before, but she was smiling more than ever now that I was around.
Erin and I dated in earnest, and our lives became intertwined again. It was difficult – physically, as I would have to lift her off the sofa or out of the car – and emotionally, remembering the dancing beauty I had fallen in love with years before, and comparing her to the husk before me.
But things started to change, as she became more and more ill. I found myself no longer anticipating our visits. She was regressing fast, finding it harder and harder to live with a body that twisted and refused to cooperate. She withdrew, and drew me into her sadness.
Other people started to notice the strain, and commented that I shouldn’t play the martyr anymore. It was a relationship with no possible happy ending. Erin wanted to have children, but it would probably kill her to give birth if she could carry to term. She was destined to have no legacy. I decided it would be best for me if I began living my life, instead of surrounding myself with someone who was no longer happy to be alive.
One of the hardest things I have ever done was breaking up with her. I knew it would be hard, and she didn’t make it any easier. She knew she would never have another boyfriend, she would never have sex again, she would live the rest of her life alone.
It pains me to say it, it truly does, but I felt relief when I drove away from her house for the last time.
***wavy lines to indicate a few years past…***
I had found myself in love for the first time – I quickly discovered that the other victim had been me. What I felt for Erin had been puppy love, a major league crush, but nothing else. The true love of my life – the one who lets me be who I am – became my wife. We moved to England to start fresh, and I have never been happier. I have shaken off all the baggage, and I am freely and truly in love.
For those of you that haven’t experienced true love, it’s COMPLETELY different from a crush. You very quickly realise it when you find the true love comes easy. But I digress.
So, a happy ending? No.
A few months ago, I found myself answering a phone call from my father, in Canada. He was quite sad as he described to me that Erin had been living in a nursing home for the last few years, getting steadily worse. The night before, she had peacefully closed her eyes, went to sleep, and never woke up.
I didn’t know how to feel. Guilty, as I had been living a full life, whilst she had been suffering in a hospital, with only church people and family to visit for a few hours a day. I felt relieved that she has stopped suffering. I felt glad I wasn’t a widower at the age of 36.
My wife was very understanding and suggested we send flowers. We made a donation to the local MS Society in Canada, and I shed a tear for the girl I had found… and then lost.
(w4I4q1O1 was hard at work on, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 13:10, 12 replies)

I accidentally found out...
...that my friend who never gets the beers in when it's his turn has a tiny cock. Tightfisted wanker.

(Tip of the hat to scoshi and djgalaxe)
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:57, 2 replies)

In my old job
A little old lady informed us that one of the loos was blocked and overflowing. We called for a caretaker who quickly found the blockage.

A brand new, still sealed packet of men's long johns.

I'm pretty sure my friend took them for himself too. The stingy shit.
(GONEism, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:52, Reply)

Yesterday I found out that...
...my mate's girlfriend let him shag her during her period. The jammy cunt.



(credit goes to djgalaxe for the inspiration)
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:45, 3 replies)

Records
I found that playing Madonna's "Vogue" at 33rpm makes her sound like Leonard Cohen.

Playing Kylie Minogue at 33rpm makes her sound like Rick Astley, and I assume vice versa.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:37, 9 replies)

It found me
Sitting in the park in Bromley, enjoying a summer's day and watching young Bromleynians hurl rocks at the pigeons. I look down at my leg. On it was what appeared to be a caterpillar. But this wasn't a normal caterpillar; it had a blue face and a fucking huge spike coming out the top of it's head.

Being the macho man that I am I leapt up in the air screaming like a girl and the creepy crawly vanished into the undergrowth.

For days afterwards I was consumed by wondering what the hell was crawling up my leg that day. I decided to use the interweb for a visual dictionary of caterpillars on the off chance I might be able to identify it. By sheer luck I spotted it.

It was a moth larvae for a moth that is only found in Portugal.

And he came all the way over here to sit on my lap. Bless him.
(GONEism, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:35, 7 replies)