found
I found b3ta


yay!




he say .........
(rural confucious, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 11:26, Reply)

A pile of dog shit in the most inconvenient place...
I was with my boyfriend at my parents house when no-one was home. Taking advantage of this rare opportunity, I decided an attempt of seduction and dressed in my sexiest thong and bra for him...
We were upstairs slowly getting to it when I heard the family dogs (3 of the little bastards) barking downstairs. Needing the loo and wanting to shut them up I ran downstairs in my undies as quick as I could.
After shutting the dogs up I quickly ran to the toilet... As I went through the door, I slipped and landed on my back, sliding half way into the bathroom, cracking my head on the floor. Feeling wet, I glanced at the carpet around me and realised that I had slipped in a huge pile of dog shit. It went in a steady flowing line from the heel of my foot all the way up my legs, arse, back, neck and eventually hair - I was covered in shit.
To make matters worse, my boyfriend came down to see what the commotion was about and saw me lying in the stinking mess!
How do you recover from that when you're 18? I had no fucking idea, and tried to get up, slipping a few times, trying not to touch the walls - then approach my boyfriend to try and comfort his concerning and mortified expression - he was backing away from me slowly - I felt like a shit covered freak!
(prang007, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 11:13, 12 replies)

My last of this QOTW
As I get older, and although Mrs Maudlin is a randy git and won't leave me alone, I've noticed that on the odd occasion, I've had trouble getting it up. Being hit by a particularly bad week-long attack of trigeminal neuralgia has probably not helped my case. It's quite distracting to be off my tits on painkillers and still have headache.

Anyhow, my wife wasn't best part pleased and began trying to get cash together to stock up on viagra, which isn't cheap. She even had a whip-round at work to raise the money just so she can get her daily shag.

She came home with a jar of banknotes,

and that's the stiffy fund.

...
Has it bindun, surely someone else has found this pun in over 600 replies..
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 11:06, 2 replies)

Back in the hotel
We came into a room to find an opened jar of mustard, an unopened box of tomatoes and 2 x 4 litre bottles of mineral water.

Being responsible types, we put it all in a black sack.

And then swung it around bashing it off the floor, hoping this extreme method of cooking would make some kind of mustardy tomato gaspaccio.

It would probably have been nice if we'd put just the mustard in, and not the glass jar too...
(GONEism, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 10:47, Reply)

I found a sword!!!
Honestly, a real proper dead sharp sword!!!

It was stuck in a stone so I pulled it out. Actually, thinking about it, I may have been given it by some fit wench I caught swimming in the buff at the local lake. I assume she was naked but I only really saw her arm (my memory isn't what it used to be)

Anyway, I still found a dead sharp really good sword and went on to rule the country

Love,

Arthur
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 10:37, 4 replies)

Just last night I found...
That your average Liverpool fan doesn't like his/her team being beaten by Spurs twice in succession...
( snee held his breath since, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 10:23, 5 replies)

I found a Poem on a Train
Got on the train t'other night and found this neatly folded bit of paper on a seat. Nothing else on it apart from this rather sinister but excellently done bit of Edward Lear type verse.

www.b3tards.com/u/5fcad842a0c2fd48cf45/candlebar_macfinster.jpg

Whenever I'm on a train now I look on seats around me for more bits of spiral bound pulled paper.
(mrmouse, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 10:22, 3 replies)

I found that one split second of inexplicable incompetence in an otherwise impressive career could spark a chain of events that results in an entire change of government…and my subsequent dismissal...
My confidence shattered, I hit the bottle pretty hard and my wife ended up filing for divorce…she took the kids and left me…homeless and broke…

Here's what happened...

I used to work for the local forces a long time ago; and with my regular duties I had been briefed on two possible fugitives in my area. If I found them on my patrol, my job was to apprehend them – simple as that. Their arrest could lead to the promotion my family and I had been longing for.

So I couldn’t believe my luck when I thought I spotted them driving up to the simple road block we had set up.

There they were. RIGHT THERE in front of me - looking identical to the ones in the briefing. Spitting.Fucking.Image. Nailed on positive ID…or so I first thought.

My remit was simple. It was almost too easy…Yet as I started my interrogation, I was interrupted mid arrest by some old codger who starts blithering on…and before I knew what was happening I was racked with doubt and I let them escape!

I later discovered, much to my cost – that I should have gone with my first instinct...because it turned out they actually WERE the droids I was looking for.

Nobody thinks how the ‘normal’ people are affected by these small twists of fate.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 13 Nov 2008, 10:06, 9 replies)

Last night
I woke up at about 1am and found someone staring down at me, wearing what appeared to be a 1950s American policeman's uniform. Naturally I freaked, shouted "what the fuck!?" and kicked at it, and it vanished. My house has been ghost free ever since we moved here 25 years ago.

I've also found that I am a moron, trying to kung fu kick a ghost.
(GONEism, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 9:38, Reply)

What I found last night…

Yesterday, when I arrived home from work, I walked into the front room and found my wife lying on the sofa.

She was wearing a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. She finished the outfit off with a black mask…

What did I do…?

I went to the fridge, grabbed a beer, turned on the footy and said “Oi, Batman, what’s for dinner?”

Soon afterwards I also found that my missus can punch pretty hard for a girlie…
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 13 Nov 2008, 9:36, 5 replies)

Big bag of...er... talc?
When my sister moved into her current house (she got it cheap on account of the previous resident snuffing it)... she found a large bag of white powder hidden under the floor in the bathroom.

She even turned it in to the local police... they took it but didn't seem that interested (probably figured it was just talc)
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 9:35, Reply)

I have found
That welgar must be in a similar timezone as me and who knows how many other b3tans.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 9:34, Reply)

I have found
That due to time zone differences its easy to be the last poster of a QOTW if i can be arsed
(welgar, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 9:12, Reply)

It's not the best thing, but:
- I've found I'm rarely last on QOTW.
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 8:52, Reply)

Metal detecting


I win.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 8:16, 13 replies)

I thought it was an LSD or something....
When I as younger, it was my ritual to riffle through my older sister's room everytime she left the house for a substantial amount of time... On this particular occassion, I was extra excited as she had just been shopping the day before and in her usual fashion, all the bags were left untouched on the floor of her already messy room.
Once the coast was clear and with my younger sister as lookout, I rummaged high and low until I found something I could temporarily steal...
Then I came across this small blue tablet thing. It seemed as if it was soaked in something - it smelt a bit like a denist surgery, all clinical and such. For some reason I thought it was one of those things you such or let disolve on your tongue and then you get high. So, as any dare-devil 10 year old would, I placed it on my tongue and sucked hard!
The taste was terrible and my gag reflex was in full action, spitting this tiny piece of hell out of my mouth... Feeling like an idiot and with a distasteful grimmace on my face, I continued to rummage, when I stumbled upon more of the little blue tabs within a packet that said 'car air freshner cartridges'.... NICE!
(prang007, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 7:44, 1 reply)

Under the floorboards
Last year i had some major refurbishment work done on my house. The house was built in the late 70's and the original heating system and electrics had to be redone. In the midst of replacing the heating pipes upstairs, the plumbers found a perfectly preserved bag of crisps in between the loists of the floor!
We recon they've been in there since the 80's.
winner?
(sarcasmo needs more sleep, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 7:02, 3 replies)

Not even my mate...
but a friend of my little brother..They found a suicide in Highcliffe castle.
This was before it had been restored, and they'd found their way inside...to find some guy who'd hung himself.
(Asharin Stabby stab stab, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 4:52, Reply)

Not me but my former stepbrother
once found a starfish.

Unfortunately, after he held it aloft for all to marvel at, it turned out to be a dried up dog poo.
(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 3:28, 1 reply)

Metal Detecting
My Dad is an avid metal detectorist, which is - according to 'Treasure Hunter' magazine - the World's most fascinating hobby. No, no it isn't. You walk along a beach, swinging this bloody heavy thing as you go, with 'beep...beeeeeeep....bip....beeeeEEEEEeeeep' in your earphones. But he likes it, and that's the main thing.

He has found all sorts: Roman coins, bullets (lots of bullets), rings, necklaces, tin cans, ring pulls, a year's supply of yoghurt.

That last one was a prize in a metal-detecting competition.

I went with him a few times, with his spare machine (oh yeah, he was that into it...spare machines). I found a ring once. That was fun.
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 2:38, 2 replies)

Value Village
Value Village is a second-hand thrift store that I think is run out of the US, but has locations in Canada and I'm not sure where else. It basically competes with charity stores like Goodwill to get first crack at clothing donated to charity, and then sells them at a cheap price. Usually the stores are filthy but there are good finds to be had. Apparently the owner is a miser who became a billionaire by pinching pennies and squeezing them out of workers and competing charities.

I got my first taste of second-hand treasures when I bought a trench coat only to find an old-style Canadian one-dollar bill in the pocket (which has been out of circulation since the '80s).

Another time, I bought a Bermudan cruise shirt for the sum of one dollar, and because it was so cheap I didn't try it on. When I tried wearing it much later, I discovered that the left sleeve had been sewn up. It must have belonged to an amputee.

I once found a very nice soft-shell briefcase, but the price tag was blank. That means it just showed ____.99, or 99 cents. I asked the clerks how much for it, and got it for the 99 cents on the label. Later found an identical one for $100 in a nicer store.

I got a great polo shirt with a Playboy logo on it that I still have.

What else? When I was really low on money, I would go there to try on shoes, and first I'd put the left shoe on, walk around in it a bit, then look critically at the right shoe, then take it off and put it on the shelf with my other shoe, taking the new pair of shoes in exchange for dropping off my own. Well, that's what they get for undercutting charity.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 1:56, 2 replies)

I found bliss.
A vanilla rollie at 2.45AM during a heavy thunderstorm while lying on the only sprung mattress in the house, wrapped in a fluffy hooded sleeping bag and reading QOTW/John Irving.

Thank you all for entertaining me and putting up with my nerdy babbling and heavy Cape Town accent.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 0:50, Reply)

My music teacher found...
...a way of playing the piano without his hands. Clever dick.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 23:52, 1 reply)

Sisters
At the Reading Festival circa 91-92, the year the Sisters of Mercy headlined.

In those days you could freely get on to the campsite, the only difficult bit was getting into the arena but I'd always managed either by standing on someone's shoulders to climb over the fence or by scraping a hole and squeezing under it. This was easier to do at night when security were less likely to notice.

Me and my mate had turned up ticketless and pitched a tent. We were passing the time of day by listening to a rave tape on my portable stereo when a bloke from a nearby tent came over and requested that we turn it off. We refused. He informed us that he was a roadie and offered us a backstage pass, only one, in return for a loan of the stereo. Cool.

So we wondered down the track to the back stage area and I went in and had a scout around. There was a big marquee with a free buffet in it the side of which backed onto the very edge of the festival site and there was no fence there. So I went back outside to my mate and we somehow managed to distract security so that he could get around the side of the marquee and in.

After a hearty free lunch we spent the rest of the day drinking, smoking and observing the various minor popstars going about their business.

My first sighting of Andrew Eldritch was of him being hassled by some German or Dutch bloke and threatening to have him kicked out.

Much later in the evening, the seating area emptied as people went to watch whoever it was playing.

We sat at a table on which we found a pair of sunglasses that had been discarded. I said to my mate "those look like Andrew Eldritch's sunglasses", put them on then did an impersonation: "Waaaaar, Sisters, It's just a kiss away" in a very deep voice. We laughed. Then my mate put them on and did a similar goth mimic only he didn't know any of their lyrics so it may have been "I'm really eviiiiiil" or something. Another fit of stoned giggling.

I glanced across at a figure who had sat down a few feet away and was met with the glare of the prince of darkness himself, Andrew Eldritch minus his sunglasses.

We sat and laughed at him until he got up and walk, walk, walk, walk, walked away.

Awayayayay.

Got my stereo back too, which was nice.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 23:15, 4 replies)

Victorian stuff
I have found

20 pounds
A VW badge
A cool Transformers badge
A letter in a library book
The most boring photo EVER in a library book (of a hill in the rain)

But the really cool stuff has been things from under floorboards during my job (maintenance) like

Victorian newspapers
NAAFI cutlery from the war
A plan of a dorm for sick soldiers during WW2
A Christmas card from a sick soldier
A receipt for paraffin from 1860
Victorian matchboxes
A Star of David etched into a wall (on holiday in France)

and my knickers.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 22:19, Reply)

I found
Bob Geldof in St Pancras station waiting to get a train to Paris on the 2nd September.

I've been waiting for a QOTW to show up that I can crowbar this into :)
( Maladicta, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 21:28, 1 reply)

In ze bunker
Apologies if this has been posted before, and that it's not something I've found, but this bloke went poking around in his back garden and found........

gardenbunker.blogspot.com/

A WW2 German bunker in his garden. Now that's got to be the coolest thing to find when you are doing a spot of gardening. No need to buy a hollowed out volcano now, he can launch his bid for world domination from there (or use it as a potting shed)
(Rsoles, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 20:17, 1 reply)

Nose hair
I found that plucking nose hairs is singularly the most painful thing that a guy can suffer, even more so that getting your knob caught in a zip.
That said, ive not tried anal bleaching, which i'm told is a real ring stinger !
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 20:03, 7 replies)

IRC
Contains some very colourful characters.
But i love them all.
Especially honree, hes my favourtie. Drinks stella from saucepans you know !
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 20:01, 1 reply)

Bras and more bras
I am a hydrogeologist and work in the remediation of contaminated/polluted properties. One of the properties I work with is heavily contaminated with coal tar so even though it is located downtown, it is undeveloped with a heavy growth of trees. Being undeveloped although located downtown it is a good place for homeless to build camps even though the soil 0.5 to 1 foot below ground surface nd deeper can be quite contaminated. When we were getting started at the site, one of our consultants was surveying the site and noted 30-40 bras of all shapes, sizes, and styles hanging on trees near this one camp. He was worried that although he was a good looking guy with a good job, how could some homeless guy be getting so many women to give him their bras when he didn’t even have a girlfriend at the time. (It turned out the homeless would steal suitcases from the local bus station and sell what they could while also building up a collection of bras).
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 19:13, 2 replies)