I really hope God exists
If he didn't what the fuck would people scream when they cum?
( SpankyHanky, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:53, 10 replies)

First time a girl ever touched my cock
I was on a church trip.

Praise the lord.
( Mr Gear the gay-maker, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:53, 4 replies)

i argue with the god botherers when they come to the door
and try and give them copies of The God Delusion.

they haven't been back for a while
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:49, Reply)

I defaced several hymnbooks
by adding 'le' to all instances of the word 'womb'.

"...offspring of the virgin's womble" etc.

Oh how the congregation laughed.*

_{* actually, oh how they glared at the little twat at the back trying not to giggle}
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:47, 2 replies)

I was an Altar Boy
One of the priests at our church got convicted for interfering with some of the other altar boys. But not me. I feel left out now, like there's something wrong with me.

Who's the real victim here? eh? EH?

Damn you God! Damn you catholic church! Damn you all to hell!
(ScousersPet, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:44, 2 replies)

Confirmation Name
I got into the whole Jesus shindig rather late, all I wanted was the bread and wine (less so the bread).

I started working in a Church doing the microphones and tech stuff and became more involved. Soon I decided to go up for communion (give me the wine dammit) and was refused as I hadn't been confirmed - blessing instead.

So I started classes once a week for a few months. Then a load of us in the area got confirmed together by the Big Bishop, had the ceremony, got the wine and then headed into the back room for post-service sandwiches and a chat.

Now without the full regalia, robes and hat, Bishops look very different. I didn't recognise mine when he began chatting to me, I just thought he was another Church Joe.

"Have you decided on a Confirmation Name?"

I hadn't. I thought for a moment.

"Probably Bob or Jim, dunno really."

"It really should be a Biblical Name."

"Any name from the Bible?"

"Sure."

"Well then, it's a toss up between Jesus and Lucifer then."
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:43, 2 replies)

Church of the Rave
God loves to rave

hyperreal.org/raves/spirit/culture/Rave_Mass.html

Remember the furore about the raving vicar and his mass/rave sessions. Sounded fucking ace, and the above link gives a lovely description of a weekends 'god bothering', Aphex style.

Not sure if the vicar in question got the jail or not, some sort of sexy tiem scandal, if my memory serves me correctly.

It sounds like a super idea though. I mean, if you are prone to raving, i'm sure you had a 'spiritual' experience whilst throwing shapes on the dancefloor. I know i have.

People get 'God' and spirituality mixed up. I think on myself as a spiritual person. But i don not believe in the existence of God, aka, some bearded fucker who created the universe and what not. It is plainly a load of cobbled together shite.

Yes, there is a binding force, of that there is no doubt. Call it nature, mathematics, cymatics, conciousness....whatever. Everything in the known universe is composed of vibrations.

So you could say that 'God' is music. Thereby, the house of 'God', is in fact the clubs and raveholes that are packed every weekend, up and down the length of the country.

Bring back the Spiritual Raves, and instead of a sacrament, a cheeky wee pill is placed on your tongue.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:42, 7 replies)

I used to work in media...
...and it was a pretty piss poor job, what with being stuck with crappy reporting jobs in one-horse towns where the horse itself had bolted and the like. I had a hot girlfriend and a dog that would piss everywhere no matter how hard I tried to train it otherwise. This was all God's fault as far as I was concerned.

Next thing I know, I meet the man himself (squeaky bum time!) and, get this, he actually gets me to do his job, so I can get a taste of omnipotence and all the responsibilities it entails.

Had a laugh, got to do stuff I wanted and made sure things went my way for the most part but, in the end, it all proved too much and I just wanted to get back to normality.

God exists solely to screw around with us. Don't trust the Man!

Love,
Bruce Nolan
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:36, 2 replies)

1 ticket to hell please sire
Jesus: Dad some of our lot are denying evolution!
God: Those bastards! I spent millions of years working on that.
(bobisnotmyname, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:34, 1 reply)

I come from a very God-fearing family
That's because God used to come round our house every Sunday and beat us all up.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:31, 1 reply)

Silly Nuns
When Helo was a young Helo, R.E was never on his high points of life.

Why go to church for midnight mass when you could count down the seconds till you could actually open the presents up?

WHY are we getting up at 7am each Sunday when it's the only day of the week when I don't have to school/work (paper round?)

So when I reached 15 (or so) everyone else in my school was getting confirmed, not me. AFter 15 odd years of being dragged to Church I had found the one thing that ensured I would never step in that church ever again.

Went to Sunday Mass at 8.15am, nun who'd known me since I was a wee little thing, asked me when my confirmation was going to be and I told her that I doubt very, very much I'd be confirmed as I don't believe in God at this point of my life.

Dear Spirit in the Sky/Gods Above/Demons below the LOOK this Nun gave me. It was the sort of look that you give to your husband after he confesses that your daughter didn't run away, and that in fact he'd been keeping her locked under the stairs for the last 30 odd years and needed your help to hide the evidence.

From this look the immortal words spoken in front of my parents "Well, I guess YOU'RE NOT WELCOME IN THIS CHURCH ANYMORE YOU SILLY LITTLE BOY" meant that no longer would I have to attend anymore masses, anymore Christmas Eve boring fests.

I was free!!!

Heh, looking back though I probably should have told her I was a homo also, see if it'd given her a heart attack also.

(Parents and siblings weren't happy though, parents gave me hell for 6 months because I was insistant that I don't want to get confirmed. AS a result of this my sisters were forced at gun point to get confirmed and attend church. Ooo, those were fun times)
(Helo, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:31, 5 replies)

I used to be an Atheist until I realised...
..I was God!

Fankuvermuch.
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:29, Reply)

Decided
to be an altar boy, because they took you on a summer trip.

Let myself into the sacristy one sunday to get ready, then discovered i was an hour early due to the clocks changing.

I then decided to help myself to a dozen or so of the 'jumbo hosts', the ones that the dirty beast himself gets to eat.

After about 60 seconds of mooching about, i got bored and decided there and then i no longer wanted to be an altar boy.

I walked home and ate 5 or 6 of the jumbo hosts by way of a protest and put the rest in a dog shit.


One way ticket please...
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:26, 2 replies)

Colwyn Bay!
Anyone who was involved with Youth For Christ in the late 1980s may have attended Penrhoss College in Colwyn Bay.

This was a Christian youth retreat for early to mid teens and at the time I found it very interesting & helpful. Then I questioned God due to the horrible death of my Grandfather & fell out with my faith. Still went though, met a cracking girl and fell deeply, deeply in love. Unfortunatley, she lived in Carlisle & visits were few & far between.

YEars passed.

She got back in touch when she was studying in Chester & so we got back together, the happiest time in my life bar none.

She moved to Ox/Bucks border and rented a place and got a job. We spent many,many happy times together.

Am I still with her?

Am I fuck.

She was the most hardline Christian I have ever met (exepct her mother, who had to attend Church multiple times a day (not Catholic but by Christ the guilt she must have carried round to have to ask for forgiveness on a daily basis)) I digress. To please the love of my life, and going against my strident athiesm, I attended the Alpha course and joined a Bible study group, attended Church weekly and clapped for Jesus. I went on a 10 day aid run to Serbia / Bosnia with a Christian group Oak Hall (I got alot out of that trip, not religion, just appreciation for my life in comparison to others).

This was, regrettably, not enough and we split up.

She told me I was a deviant whose life was infected with evil. To prove this she listed my faults:
I drank.
I smoked drugs.

And the worst of the worst..............

I was a sexual deviant - I liked to do it doggy style.

Well, she had a fantastic arse!!!

Have I moved on? Of course I have(nt)!
(TAZ220 Not giving a toss since, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:22, 9 replies)

I didn't believe in God.
Then my Mum got Cancer.
So I prayed, because, you know, it seemed the right thing to do.
My Mum recovered.
I still don't believe in God.

Meh.
(Pat_Gash, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:20, Reply)

There isn't one/aren't any.
Next!
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:18, Reply)

I tried to chase him once
but I couldn't catch him , he kept disppearing then re appearing and going in funny and unexpected directions .

God moves in mysterious ways .

sorry
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:17, Reply)

Merry Christmas Everybody!
My parents are cunts.

Every single Christmas from the age of zero upwards they forced me to go to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. Aparently some fella was born, or something, and being Catholics we have to get all morose about it and sing fucking hymns and do a shitload of shaking hands with strangers while saying "peace be with you," when I'd rather be at home eating mince pies and masturbating over late night reruns of Carry On movies (Barbara Windsor was fucking HOT).

The Midnight Mass thing was an annoyance until I reached that marvellous age where alcohol became available from the lovely Mr Singh in the local off license. Then Midnight Mass became a fucking nightmare.

In the year of our Lord, nineteen-hundred-and-ninety, when I was sixteen, I rolled up at the church after the service had started.

I was shitfaced.

I flung open the doors and shouted:

"MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!"

And promptly fell on my arse. I then started singing: "SO HERE IT IS MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODYS HAVING FUN! LOOOOKK TOOOO THE FUUTTTURREEE NNNNOOOWWWW-"

The parisheners were not pleased, God was not pleased, but most important of all, my mum was fucking apoplectic.

I spent Christmas Day 1990 sitting in the garden shed with a terrible hangover. If I dared go anywhere near my dear ol' mum that day, she would've fucking murdered me.

Not very Christian of her.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:16, 1 reply)

The best story I have for this
is one that I've already told, about freaking out the Fundies.

But Fundies are fun to pick on, aren't they?

A guy I knew back in the early 90s had moved to a new area to start a new job, so he did what most of us do- he found a room to rent until he could find an apartment. The rent was reasonable and the family he was staying with seemed quite nice, so he was satisfied.

He was a gamer, and had recently gotten into "Doom". He would spend his evenings slaying demons and zombies at his computer. Loads of fun, no?

One day he came home from work and found that his computer and video games had vanished. He found the woman he rented from in the kitchen. "Where's my computer?"

She wouldn't look him in the eye. "We put it out in the garage."

"What? Why?"

"I went in to change the sheets on your bed and I saw that game sitting there and it scared me. I had my husband take all of it out to the garage because I didn't want it in the house."

He went out to the garage, but didn't see it there. He went and found the husband, who walked out there with him and showed him where his stuff was.

Apparently moving it to the garage wasn't sufficient. The picture on the front of the case for "Doom" had scared her so badly that she insisted that they put it all inside the chest freezer so it couldn't get out.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:14, 2 replies)

Let's get it out of the way
A message to the believers:
No, ID does not have sound arguments, and its claims are bogus. In no sense are they comparable to naturalistic claims such as one finds within evolutionary biology.
No, evolution is not "just a theory".
No, there is no reason at all to respect your beliefs. You, perhaps. Your beliefs, not so.
No, scientific uncertainty does not mean that we ought to listen to every single hypothesis. Some are clearly wrong.
No, you don't have a right to your beliefs. If they turn out to be mistaken, you have a duty to ditch them; and a person does not wrong you by correcting your errors.
No, your failure to come up with an explanation of the world that does not include god is not evidence for the existence of god; it is evidence of your ignorance.
No, the persistence of religious belief is not evidence that there must be something behind it.
No, the belief in god is not a prerequisite of morality.

To the agnostics:
No, sitting on the fence does not indicate humility and open-mindedness. It indicates intellectual barrenness. Grow up.

To the atheists: don't think you get off. You happen to be correct, but that isn't an excuse for being a prissy little blockhead - and being correct counts for nothing if it's not for the right reasons. You could get that from blind luck.
No, the persistence of evil is not an argument against the existence of god.
No, the persistence of evil actions by religious people is not an argument against religion.
No, you don't have a right to your beliefs, either.

And, finally, the hippies.
No, god is not "inside you".
No, your claims to be a "very spiritual person" do not demonstrate that you are "profound". They demonstrate that you are a cretin.
No, things do not happen for "a reason" if, by "reason", you mean something more than "mechanistic cause". If that is what you mean, your statement is trivial, and it doesn't make you sound deep. You are not even shallow.

It's going to be a looooooooong week.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:12, 75 replies)

If there was such a thing as God
The news headlines this morning would have read:

"Mandelson bummed to death by runaway flock of emus"

Instead, they're full of news about dead - or nearly dead - celebrities and the perilous state of the economy.

C'mon almighty... Make it happen.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:11, 3 replies)

"Flying Spaghetti Monster" Need I say anymore
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster
( Big Ian has stopped changing his sig, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:07, 6 replies)

I was an altar boy
And I never got bum raped once.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:07, 1 reply)

I got bitten by one once
(probably because thanks to my dyslexia I had trouble reading the warning sign).


I think it was Vishnu.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:06, Reply)

there is no god
.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:04, Reply)

A vast improvement on the previous 2 weeks...
...now I've got the 6 days of thinking before I recall anything remotely relevant..
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:04, Reply)

Oh, God...
EDIT: Ooooh - looks like I just made the Trinity
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:02, Reply)

God? There is no God
Just last night I prayed for an new, early QOTW, and behold it was not done until after 3pm

I prayed that God would grant me the coveted postion of '1st post' and behold, it was not done either.

He's either a cunt, non-existant or just doesn't like me.

EDIT: It may be that he just got me confused with battered
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:02, Reply)

1st?
Somebody must have been watching over me!
( lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:02, Reply)