I grew up in a pub....
....and I attended a CofE school. It wasn't until I was about 14 that I realised the word I should have used at the end of a prayer was 'Amen', rather than 'Bar-men'. I still think my version is better though.
(marcooosa has no idea what a board sig is, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 15:16, 2 replies)

I lost my best friend to religion
Then he married some hot christian girl.

Curses to religion I say. Curses!
*shakes fist*

He did stalk him for a year until they started dating though....
(Khalek finally logged in again on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:59, Reply)

I remember an occasion
during some sort of lesson in religion in primary school, where someone asserted that the the two main religious groups in Scotland were Catholics and Prostitutes.

With the wisdom of years, I now know there are some people who are both...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:57, Reply)

Last Days (true story)
Shortly before the Millennium, I walked into a McDonalds and ordered a McChicken Sandwich. The bloody nutter behind the counter said, "You know we're living in the last days, don't you?" "In that case," says I, "I'll have a Big Mac."

Religious people seem to want to convert me or damn wherever I go. When I was a student, our deeply religious landlady lied that she'd had the gas boiler fixed and proceeded to nearly kill us with carbon monoxide poisoning. But no, this wasn't the most serious thing for her. The fact I'm gay was, and she told me, "We are all judged on Judgement Day and you are going to Hell."

So let me get this straight - you gas me and my friends and you're still going to meet Allah. I am get one up the arse and I'm going to Hell? That's fair...

Probably not helped by me stepping on the gas man's prayer mat and offering him a bacon buttie while he's praying in my room, of which the walls were adorned with semi-naked young men. I was stoned.

Will come up with more once I think of them.

I'm agnostic, by the way.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:54, 2 replies)

BBC
Slightly professional rant here - but why does the BBC insist on lumping together religion and ethics?

Granted, many religious people think that they have special ethical insights. But of all the ethicists I know or have met - and that's a lot - I can only think of a small handful who're religious. Of those, the couple that bring religion into the debate are the ones with the least good arguments.

By this, I don't mean that their arguments are weakened by being religious - I mean that they're just weak.

Combining religion and ethics seems to be much more important to the religious than to ethicists...

Interesting, that.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:44, 8 replies)

I'm a Catholic.
In practice I'm an atheist, but according to the rules once you're in you're in, and therefore unless I manage to get myself excommunicated I shall be considered a Catholic until the day I die.

While I'm an atheist, I'm not militant. I'm happy for anyone to hold their own beliefs, as long as they can be reasonable about them. I don't feel the need to screech passages of Dawkins at anyone with the temerity to be openly religious within my field of vision. In short, believe what you want as long as you're not a dick about it.

Some of my friends feel differently though, and this is why being a technical Catholic can occasionally be brilliant - because, in circumstances where I feel someone is in imminent danger of death (Oh no, I thought you were going to step out in front of that car! Whoops, I thought you were choking! etc), I'm allowed to perform an emergency baptism.

There are few things funnier than the look on an aggresive atheist's face when you inform them that not only have you poured water over their head when they weren't expecting it, but that as a result they are now Catholic.

Forever.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:41, 15 replies)

No Brainer
I can understand why Muslims are so highly motivated to carry out terrorist attacks, they are promised 72 virgins when they go to heaven. A fine reward, I'm sure we'll all agree.

But for those virgins... heaven isn't exactly what they expected is it?

"You be a good little girl, you must always wear a burka, you must always wear a veil. You may not go to school, you may not get a job, you may not learn to read, you may not vote, drive, dance, play games or listen to music. You must live a life of absolute humility and celibacy. Then when you die you will go to heaven...

....where you will be raped by evil terrorists and be their sex slave for the rest of eternity."

Nice one!
(rambosilk Liberty for wolves is death to the lambs., Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:41, 6 replies)

Satan, Sunday School, and a Lovely School Outing
Coventry - sprawling metropolis, the inspiration behind Gotham City, no doubt. A mecca for anything and everything of worth and value in this abstruse world of ours.

Like most Coventry kids, at about the age of six or seven my class got in a bus and went down to the remains of Coventry Cathedral, bombed to fuck in the war, to have a look round and draw some pictures of bits of rubble.

Now, this wasn't really my fault. I lay the blame squarely on the fact that I was forced to go to Sunday School to learn about God, and good and bad, and all that bollocks.

My class teacher, Mrs Facey, has all us little angels sat in a circle on the ground, the great remains of Coventry Cathedral stretching up and round us, looming.

Mrs Facey asks: "Can anyone tell me why the Germans bombed this place?"

My hand shoots up, so do another twenty or so little podgy limbs sporting chubby little fingers.

But I know the answer. I learned it in Sunday School, they'd taught us all about the type of evil bastards who'd burn a church, let alone a fucking whacking great big cathedral.

Before Mrs Facey could choose a child to answer I shout at the top of my lungs:

"BECAUSE THE GERMANS WERE SATANISTS, MISS!!!"

Several passersby stopped and stared, I sat there with a big smug smile on my face, knowing I'd given the right answer.

Later that day when my mum came to pick me up from school, I wondered why Mrs Facey pulled her to one side to have a quiet word with her...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:39, 2 replies)

Want to know why I don't belive in God?
It's because of Alice In Wonderland. Now, Through the Looking Glass, that poem "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either Buddha or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha — that takes care of your eastern religions. Now, the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the western religions. Now, in the poem what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them, and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. Now, I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out of fear of some intangible parent figure, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "Do it, do it and I'll fucking spank you!"

Love,
Loki
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:33, 3 replies)

Let me get this straight...
"Jesus" and "God" and "The Holy Spirit" are the same thing.
Kinda like Brad Pitt and Edward Norton in Fight Club.

So... God gets his end away with some woman.
She gives birth to... The guy that knocked her up.
So she had sex with her own son, before he was born?

And these people expect me to take them seriously?
( Cawl, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:32, 5 replies)

People with fish on the back of their cars

If I need to push into a queue whilst out on the road I will always, when possible aim, for someone with a christian fish on the back of their predictably bland car, as even if I'm being the prick they have to forgive me!

I used the same logic to slap some jehova's witnesses, but this can get you in more trouble...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:20, Reply)

Jesus loves you
...but if you don't love him back, he sends you underground and tortures you forever. This is not the love that passeth all understanding. It's Fred West love.
( littlebean, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:18, 1 reply)

Life is not a porn movie!
One Saturday morning two attractive young female JW's knocked on my door and I sent them away..............Realised later it could have been from the plot of a porn movie and I should have invited them in for a "chat".......
(Pork2311, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:18, 2 replies)

Christianity
One womans denial about an affair gone too far!
(rambosilk Liberty for wolves is death to the lambs., Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:18, 4 replies)

Radio 4
(This was originally posted on Off-Topic, but I think it's appropriate here)

Why does "Thought for the Day" always get up my nose?

I sort of enjoy waking up to the Today Programme - the dulcet tones of John Humphries, Ed Sturton, etc., are soothing, and remind me that even though it's 7am and it's bloody freezing, there are still politicians and venture capitalists to be shouted at.

And then Thought For The Day comes on, with some pious prick starting out promisingly, reminding us of some thought-provoking event, before disappearing up his or her own fragrant arse in a lengthy monologue about how wonderful it is to be such a smug sanctimonious prick who has found inner peace within the confines of his own cavernous and deeply spiritual rectum.

Perhaps I should just get out of bed earlier...
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:17, 5 replies)

This basically sums up everything I know about the God.
I'm here to tear down everything around you, and you know what I'm going to replace it with? God. The world of God. So take your bread and give it to the poor. What difference does it matter what you own? You have gold and silver - it’s going to rot, and that rot is going to eat away your heart. All of you. There will be a flood and there will be a fire. Everything will be destroyed. But there will be a new ark riding on that fire and I hold the keys, and I open the door, and I decide who goes in and who doesn't.

You think God will answer only to you? He doesn't. God’s an immortal spirit who belongs to everybody - to the whole world. You think you are special?

God is not an Israelite.

In the desert the Baptists warned us, God is coming. But I'm telling you its too late. He's already here.

I'm here.

And I'm going to baptise everybody... With FIRE!

Come with me...

In the name of the prophet,
In the name of Jeremiah, the father,
In the name of the most holy...

I call you here!

© CJ Bolland
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:14, 3 replies)

God - likes a laugh, doesn't He?
Apparently Stirling is set to get a patrol of religious volunteers who will 'help people who get into difficulty on a night out'.
The story goes on to say they 'will offer help and advice in a non-confrontational way in a bid to cut drink-related violence'.

I'm not the most violent drunk, but if I was turning myself inside out because I'd had a couple too many,
the last thing I'd need is some 'advice' from the bible. And can you see them stepping in to referee a fight outside the pub?
( Conman the Barbarian, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:12, 2 replies)

I lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog

but I am dyslexic.










/trousers
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:11, 1 reply)

Has anyone noticed this??
Whenever someone is accused of a particularly hideious crime its allways the voices and "god told me to do it"

But why is it that god tells people to "Murder all prostitutes" or "Your neighbours are satans agents ". It never seems to be "Volunteer some time at the local charity shop" or even "Try to recycle more".

Isnt this a bit strange ?? Makes you wonder about god a bit really.

And so endith our thought for the day
(welgar, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:00, 7 replies)

In times of hardship,
a lot of the evangelical-type teachers who ran my Surbiton-branch-of-the-Westboro-Baptist-masquerading-as-Church-of-England primary school would say,
"Perhaps this is God's way of testing you."

Now, I've been a staunch atheist as long as I can remember, but if - just if, they're right...

...and the intolerably pigshit-thick computing student who drove me up the fucking wall for the last four weeks with his endless inane and pointless questions, to which I'd have to find sixteen different ways of explaining the blindingly fucking obvious answer...if he is actually a test sent by The Lord, then the almighty really is taking the fucking piss.

And I will quite gleefully fail God's test and stab the stupid twat in the face with a book.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:58, Reply)

i like churches
i like the windows
and all that stuff
if people take solace in their darkest hour with the church then it has served a mighty purpose indeed

my favourite church moment was at my wedding. We had chosen some hymns, and i was ready.

The bride was late, i (the groom) was mildly anaesthatised by dutch courage and the service went well.

except out vicar looks like a cross between peter cook (in princess bride wedding scene) and harold shipman (in septagenarian killing spree). Most of my mates hadn't ever seen him before and did the usual sniggering until hymn 3, the closing number.

Now in my past i had been an avid clubber, a few times a week for a couple of years and was known for getting my belly out on top of speakers whilst dancing for every cent i was worth.

Hymn 3 kicks in, half the congregation (and my wife) could not keep a straight face as we sang Lord of the Dance into Harald Shipmans face. He was pleased we showed so much passion, i sang my little ass off.

I didn't turn round for fear of losing it completely, but the friends, groovers, clubbers and their associated crazy partners corpsed at this verse:

I danced on a Friday when the world turned black
It's hard to dance with the devil on your back
They buried my body, they thought I was gone
But I am the dance, and the dance goes on

the vision was of me at 11am, dancing like a loon across some fields by acid andy's alottment in bristol. the rest of the world had subsided, but not i - with veg in hand i was ready to dance for the world.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:53, 4 replies)

God in Minehead
I was something of a reluctant but regular church-goer between the ages of about 5 and 13. I went because of my mother and when she lost her faith I was able to stay at home on a Sunday and watch Italian football on channel 4.

As a result of our church-going, we occasionally went on holiday to Spring Harvest in Minehead. This particular year, when I was 10, Ishmael was performing and insisted that we went off with a Christian helper, pray and speak to God about whatever was bothering us.

I just didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think I needed much help – it was holidays so there was no schoolwork to done – so I talked about what was most bothering my 10-year old mind: I asked if He could heal my recently contracted verrucas.

I thought nothing of it for the rest of the afternoon but the very next day my veruccas were gone.

I spoke to the Lord and my afflictions were smote.
(GarlicCustard is saying 'sheee-it' on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:53, Reply)

I worship sweet potatoes
after God appeared to me, and said "I YAM THAT I YAM".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:51, 1 reply)

an unanswerable question.
Who is the more annoying: people who say 'Christmas is about the birth of Jesus' or people who say 'Christmas was originally a pagan festival'?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:49, 7 replies)

GOD IS
an ironic sort of entity, in that it seems to best be apprehended in the diametric opposite of organised religions.
(dadadali has hybrid vigour, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:49, Reply)

Jesus backfire
So, when my parents had to decide which infant school I was going to be in, my mother, who was raised somewhat religiously, got her way by sending me off to a catholic school.

One year later, my father, who isn't religious at all, got his way by sending me to a public primary school.

The reason? When my parents told me to finish my plate, I reportedly cried: "You're not the boss! Jesus is the boss!"
( mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:45, Reply)

you know the Atheist Bus Campaign?
It turns out they're locked in a bloody and seemingly unending war with a group that wanted the sign to read "There's Probably No Allah..."

No, wait, they're not are they.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:44, 1 reply)

my experience with god
Back in 1989, I decided that the best thing for me to do was get a job. I had left school, and was drifting aimlessly through life. I didn’t have a girlfriend; she had dumped me for a heavy equipment operator who drank whiskey on the rocks and smoked incessantly as he sat at the bar, eyeing up the jukebox, willing it to play Shania Twain. My parents were allowing me to stay in their basement, which was painted yellow and smelled of gear oil and polished chrome. It was small quarters, but it gave me a roof over my head, and a place to drink my beer in utter silence.
I got in my car, a black 1964 Chevrolet Impala, with chrome rims and a 357 cubic inch small block motor that purred. It was like sitting on the back of an untamed mountain lion – nervous, edgy, and ready to bolt with the slightest movement of the right foot. I drove to the petrol station, and filled the car up with premium, taking care not to spill any fuel on the ground. I went in to pay, and saw the sign in the window; they were looking for help on the midnight shift.
I was the only one in the station, apart from the attendant, a short man with a shock of black hair tied back into a severe ponytail, like he expected it to jump off his head and catch the next ride out. His eyes were glazed with the look of boredom that only long hours of staring at passing traffic could do to a man. He looked about forty-five, but when he spoke, I realised he was just a young man.
I asked him about the job, and he pointed to a door at the back of the station. The door had about twenty bullet holes in it, and looked like someone tried to set the steel casing on fire. It had a plaque that read ‘Manager’.
I knocked on the door, and a skinny, ancient woman opened the door. A cigarette dangled from her mouth, the smoke curling around her face and collecting under the brim of her baseball hat. She wore dirty jeans and a red flannel shirt. I asked about the job, and she looked me up and down. She invited me into the office.
I stepped into the blue pall of smoke that hung in the air, thick enough to cut with a knife, it seemed. She pointed at a chair opposite her desk, and I sat down.
I sat down, and immediately jumped up – there was something wet on the seat. I looked down, and saw to my horror the chair was covered in a thin layer of clear jelly. It has stuck to my jeans, and had created many thin webs of slime between me and the chair, looking like melted cheese.
“Good God!” I said.
(w4I4q1O1 was hard at work on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:39, 2 replies)

I lost my faith
after spending an entire year going to church regularly, and praying and praying with all my heart, and at the end of it I hadn't fucked a single grandma.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:37, 2 replies)