I left Mr Quar in to greet the Halloween visitors
while I popped out for an hour.

He's a little nervous around kids but soon got the hang of opening the front door, looking scared and then offering the little ghosts and monsters a handful of sweets from my old jam pan. Much jollity ensued.

After a while he really got into the spirit of it, and had the bright idea of putting on the Devil mask I got him from Venice.

So when a couple of teenagers banged on the door and hid behind the hedge, they were confronted by nearly 20 stone of Mr Quar, in full-face Devil mask, waving a 'cauldron' and shouting 'Come here! I've got a treat for you!'

The horrified kids legged it, pursued by Mr 'The Devil' Quar down the street, with his 'cauldron' full of sweeties.

You can take enthusiasm too far.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 9:05, Reply)

A very nice man
I used to work with a really nice bloke, I mean, really nice.

We were, as blokes, discussing losing our virginities. Now that's natural. Mine was embarrasing. His, well...

He was 15, at his girlfriend's house. Her parents out for the night, and as such free licence. However, as a nice bloke, it had taken a fair while to reach the stage of nudity and no-return.

And her Dad came back in.

And when the nice bloke recounted this to me, I was obviously impressed, 15 years old and 'active'... And the 'rental was moderately nice about the whole situation, white leather couch and 'all. However...

I said that if I caught him in such a compromising situation with my daughter, I'd kill him... Cutting off his diseased testes and would culminate with shooting him quite dead.

The poor, nice lad looked horrified and said 'crikey, why?'

I told him my daughter was four years old.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 7:10, Reply)

past roommate... (appologize for the length)
Ok, my first year of college was rough, basically just because of the roommate situation. We were paired up through the school. This roommate supplied absolutely nothiing for our apartment, just her bed, desk, and clothing. I (or my parents) provided everything else, furniture and all. Toward the end of the second semester, she decided she didn't like some of the furniture that was in the apartment, including our couch. I love the couch, it was my grandmother's and barely used. Good lines on it too. Well anyway, when i refused to give up the couch to go buy a new one, she decided to get on the phone with my parents, and proceed to scream at them both (I was actually visiting my parents for that weekend as well, and came down stairs to witness my father telling her life's not fair after she screamed that the couch situation wasn't fair). Well anyway, I won the couch battle but when I returned to the apartment, I discovered that she had given away my grandmother oak glass-top table. That was it, needless to say, I kicked her out the next day.......... b*tch
(Sebowe Aphex says I have a killer pout, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 7:00, Reply)

Dear I Have Run Out Of Coke
Pp 2.

I did indeed 'beat that' and now, I'm sitting here, floppy, with my disgusting custard dribbling all over the keyboard. I'm surprised I can even spell.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 6:31, Reply)

ah... those were the good old days
About a year and a half after my mom died, I had a certain lovely disscusion at lunch with one of my... well, ex-friends. Started with the standard "your mom" so on and so forth...

Him: Yeah, your mom was good last night, too.
Me: My mom's dead.
Him: That's cool. I like Necrophelia.
Me: She was creamated.
Him: Yeah, the ashes made it all soft and creamy.




...
We put her over Niagra Falls, so, cunt you, you red-headed fuck.
(AnonymousCadenza, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 6:02, Reply)

I might have said this before...
But Kieron Dyer (Newcastle United Player), recently-ish gave a poor handicapped child, who had had their top-of-the-range-gnarly-wheelchair TWOCCED and burnt out, a pair of his football boots.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 6:02, Reply)

Furry Satanism
In my High School there was one particularly bumblely teacher. He was close to retirement and his lessons had the feeling of a tortured soul living out the last years of a sentence.
Anyway said teacher had grown particularly attatched to a cuddly bear, in his lessons he would always manage to make reference to it.
So imagine his horror when his pride and joy was abducted. I mean he really did look upset.
It went way too far however when he recieved the video of the bear's fate.
Rather than just hold it ransome, some kids lower down the school had other things in mind. They erected a small wooden cruicifix, nailed the bear to it, and yes, set it ablaze.
Apparently they nearly made the teacher cry.
A truely original way to dispatch a teddy.
( Uncle Phallus Strong like fly, fast like elephant, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 2:49, Reply)

picture this...
i have my girlfriend to stay for the night, and my parents are easy going, so we're staying in the same bed.
yay! thinks i.

we have my aunt to stay at the same time, and since me and said girlfriend will be in the spare bedroom since it's a double, and mine is a single, the aunt is sleeping in another room.
cue this wonderful conversation:

dad: you're aunt's staying in another room cause of you and your girlfriend
me: m'kay then
dad: yea, could be quite embarassing for you if she were to walk in... eh eh *wink wink*
*yeesh*
*rolls eyes*
dad: yea, you could be like... reading books, or something...
me: ha, yea, or like changing a lightbulb
dad: ha...yea... me and your mother were changing a lightbulb in the kitchen this morning
OH GOD RIP OUT MY THIRD EYE!!!

too far dad, too far.
(quibble, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 2:11, Reply)

Childhood games
My first post. Go easy on me.

I was twelve at the time and I was round at my mates house. Our imaginations were in overdrive. We had just eaten the biggest shitload of sugar. We were trying to run up the walls and backflip off them (Yes, I know Jackie Chan is trained, but that amount of sugar would make anyone think they could fly). We had been watching a variety of movies and came up with the ingenious idea of playing a hostage rescue game.

Cue us trying to persuade his little sister and brother to play and digging in the bottom of the cupboard looking for plastic cowboy revolvers, handcuffs(We couldn't work out why they were pink and fluffy) and his plastic nun-chukas.

We went into his empty garage and I was the first hostage and his little brother was the hostage-takee. There I was, on my knees, hands on my head begging for mercy at the hands of his little brother's plastic gun. In bursts my mate and his sister in seperate doors doing the "fffrreeeeeeezzzee" routine. My mate began circling us trying to 'persuade' his brother to give me up.

Then in the flash of an eye my mate whips out his nun-chukas, throws them at his brother, forcing me to dive for cover and braining his little brother. They were made of plastic but they stung like hell(as we found out after watching Bruce Lee and thought we were invincible) and so hence his little brother hitting the deck with a massive welt on his head and bawling for mummy.

He returned later and we continued playing again with him being the hostage and my mates little sister being the kidnapper. We came up with the plan. Kick the doors and storm the place.

"Yeehhh" we high fived each other. We went to the garage doors where his siblings were waiting inside. Kicked the doors in. Real professional. Stormed the place with the doors hanging off the hinges.
"freeeezzzee" my mate shouted,"or we'll take you down". His sister wasn't giving up, she had a look of determination on her face.
"Nup" she replied. We began circling them like vultures and then my mate says to me.
"Will we just shoot the hostage?" he asks.
"Yeh" I replied unwittingly as my mate whips out this bb gun aims it at his brother and shoots him in the leg with a metal bb. His brother falls over screaming in pain clearly hurt while I'm thinking 'fuck me sideways'. My mate then proceeds to point it at his sister. By now I'm in a panic and trying to stop him shooting his sister who is now running round in circles, stamping her feet and shouting,"NO! Thats not how you play it. You don't shoot the hostage!"

With his brother now wailing loudly and clutching his leg my mate decides on his finest idea yet. Run and hide. It seemed like a good idea at the time hiding in the bushes at the bottom of his garden while his dad plodded around looking for us. His dad finds us and my mate proceeds to claim his innocence and that it was an accident.

Now thinking about it he definitely went too far. I've never seen him since. I can only assume he is either in the juveniles institute or a professional hitman.

No apologies for length...I am very proud of it.
(cybersniper, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 0:48, Reply)

I was once cruel to an animal

It was hilarious. Although some people mistakenly thought I was a vicious, small-minded arsehole.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 0:41, Reply)

True story
A friend of a friend had the misfortune to be in a horrific car accident which resulted in the amputation of one of his legs. As he was a huge Manchester Utd fan, a local charity arranged for Nicky Butt to visit him in hospital while he was recovering. Mr. Butt even brought a 'get well soon' present for him.


A signed pair of socks.
(A Good Egg, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 0:32, Reply)

Oh and also my wedding.
My husband has a friend who likes to make people uncomfortable for his own amusement- saying creepy sexual things to girls in front of their boyfriends, for example. I have been a target repeatedly. I'll call him "Asshat."

The last straw was when Asshat said "hey, look" in an innocent voice, and I stupidly looked, and for a split second saw his rather puny balls.

At my wedding.

I and the groomsmen beat the shit out of him. Me still in my wedding gown. While my husband held his face in dirt. Ah, that's my man.

Sorry, this turned suddenly romantic.
(clumsyassassin, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 23:45, Reply)

Fan damage
In college my best friend and I lucked into a great dorm, with a private bathroom, a huge living room with a ceiling fan, and even a patio with glass doors. Needless to say we didn't move out until graduation. Even more needless to say that we fucked everything up before leaving.

Item the first: the ceiling fan. We got the genius idea one day to toss a piece of candy at it while it spun- fantastic. Made a great noise and scattered everywhere. Next was a handful of candy. Then plastic cups, and stuff off of our desks, and okay eventually it turned into cheese slices, rocks, empty boxes, pillows, electronic items and the crowning glory: a whole box of wet tampons. They stuck like fucking madness.

Item the second: Patio. We coated it in shaving cream. Repeatedly. Along with the Resident Director's windows. We had to wash them in the middle of the night, standing on one another's backs to be tall enough, and completely silent. Then we built a scarecrow and propped him up, added a blowup doll, a ratty wig, some streamers, and a rickety ladder that we snuck booze up and down. It all rotted there in the rainier months.

Eventually the living room ceiling fell in. But this was not our fault ! It was a happy accident of a burst pipe. Nobody ever saw our damage. College staff apologized profusely for the poor state of our carpets and appliances and replaced everything.

We took it way too far, but who would know ?
(clumsyassassin, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 23:39, Reply)

Roger Moore in A View to a Kill
Seducing Grace Jones at 58.... euurrgghhhh.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 23:31, Reply)

7th July bombs
So I went to a halloween party last year, a couple months after the suicide bombs on the London underground. One guy turned up dressed as a bomb - basically he cut holes in a suitcase for his arms, legs and head and put it on. On the front he strapped a timer. This was fairly tasteless, but not that bad.

What makes it perhaps going a little to far is the fact that he had travelled to the party on the underground dressed in full costume.
(veniceboy lives in California, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 23:30, Reply)

Going too far, you say?
This story concerns two friends of mine, who shall (for reasons that will become extremely apparent) remain anonymous.

After an extremely heavy night on various substances, they decided to teach the world a lesson- a lesson they called "Eco-fascism".

Basically, this ideology preaches environmental awareness by force. So they decided to grab some spray paint, head over to the nearest public building and spray the obvious logo for their militant ecologist society...

A green swastika.

Needless to say, they spent much of the rest of their evenings being interrogated by the police...

One of them had a piece of paper with a recipe for crystal meth in his pocket... the officer examined it... and discarded it.

A night in the cells was a lucky escape.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 23:06, Reply)

Wedgies
Well many a time, the wedgie was taken too far. Twice to me, where my boxers completely ripped. But there was the one time were we wedgied a small thin rather unattractive ginger associate of mine. Well we ended up snapping her thong.
It was too far to know she wore a thong.
Soo wrong.

Different occassion, the same small ginger thin unattractive girl, was trying to convince some new friends that she wasnt a virgin. Que my friend turning around and blasting in her face, "who the fuck would want to shag you!" That send her of in a barrel of tears. Hillarious to watch though.
(Seanus, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 22:41, Reply)

Silly Mike
When I was in uni there was this guy, let's call him Silly Mike (cause that was his AKA). Mike was a few pennies short of a quid, and would generally believe anything we would tell him. Cue several instances of student humour, including :

- 'Painting' a stylish designer goatee onto his chin....with cigarette butts

- Cellotaping everything he owned to the ceiling of his room

- Stealing his playstation, and his games, and passing it as our own, despite the blatant 'Owned by Mike' style sticker on the back

However, we went too far one day when we convinced Mike of the correct way to perform cunnilingus. Mike was laid on his back, with an empty crisp packet to act as the lucky lady for demonstration purposes. We told him that the more he moved his tongue and said 'Mmmmm' that he would be a fucking Don Juan in a week.
Sadly for Mike, we recorded his moaning over the sound of the crinkling packet, and dubbed it into a drum and bass track.
A few weeks later, we managed to get the track played in the student bar whilst Mike was putting his new skills to good use (complete with fagash beard), resulting in Mike running screaming from the bar, threatening to kill us all.
He totally killed our buzz. We never let him forget he went way too far over the line.

Apologies for length/girth/etc. but it had to be told
( Dazz - In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes since, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 21:22, Reply)

Recently a friend
was telling me how a close companion of hers had been hit by a speeding car and was in hospital. She was understandably upset, hence me practically stuffing my entire foot into my mouth when I fired back without thinking "I hope they have a speedy recovery"....
(cap'nj, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 21:19, Reply)

Biology lesson..
Back at school, in the mid-eighties, during a biology lesson we were treated to a dissection of a cow's respiratory system (lungs, windpipe and heart), of which the teacher presumably scrounged off the local butcher. Of course the whole demo was a fascinating, gory mess. The visuals have been forever seared into my memory, but then things took a turn....
The teacher announced he had to leave for a few minutes, presumably to retch in private, and told the whole class to carry on reading the text on the blackboard for a few minutes... He then left.
Then, from the back, Noel, a psychotic farm labourer's son, strode to the front and said 'Check this out!'. He then engaged the entrance to the windpipe and blew hard. The lungs immediately inflated, then deflated with a soggy wheezing fart. He then demonstrated this party trick once more for maximum effect... Then wiped his bloody gob with his school jumper and sat down again, looking wierdly smug... The teacher came back to a very stunned, blanch faced bunch of kids. I wonder where Noel is now?
(samuelmanual, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 21:18, Reply)

2nd post on this qotw, but worthy
at someone's party this one girl who i'll call "H" was drinking copious amounts and passed out on the kitchen counter. she had been wearing a short skirt and ppl started prodding the inside of her legs jokingly (no she wasnt raped), anyway it went too far when someone poured hotsauce all over her crotch, which undoubtedly soak through, and dare i say, in her... well you know. "H" awoke with a deep burning sensation and someone told her what had happened. With this she jumped into the kitechen sink and commenced flushing herself with the tap in front of a gang of ppl. when her problem persisted some dude mentioned that milk was the key, and so "H" was on the counter pouring milk down her crotch...
she had always been an airhead, and the next day she acted like nothing had happened...

i had had a crush on this girl up until that day...



(sorry if this post offened you in any way)
(dW3, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 21:15, Reply)

In the pub one lunch time with a work mate....
... it was his birthday. Only a few of us had come out with him and he (sarcastically) said it was nice of the whole office to join his birthday celebrations - to which I said "It's your party and you can cry if you want to".

His response?

He asked the whole group if anyone had ever cried on their birthday?

He answers his own question...

"I have. I'd just cracked off and I was feeling a bit lonely so I had a bit of a cry..."

Que the tumbleweed blowing across the pub....
(Hoff (not to be confused with "The Hoff"), Fri 10 Nov 2006, 21:12, Reply)

another party story but this was my house...
my mum and sister left town for some reason for the last week of my junior year of high school. So, as this was the time I really started drinking, I had a few parties at my house. one of these nights we built a 3 man hooka out of a large animal crackers tub, and smoked all night - eating the special brownies we'd made. I then decided that it would be a good idea to burn all the school books I had accumulated throughout my high school career (i stole most of my books) and all was well as they burned furiously in my backyard firepit. i knew we went too far when i awoke two days later to find my house on fire... (the ashes from books can retain very hot embers for a long time). also i went too far that week the day before finals; I drank a record 36 beers starting at noon and going on till 3am because i matched everyone that showed up at my house with beer. needless to say i didnt go to my finals, and in doing so failed 6 of my 8 classes...
I was the only person in our gifted program to finish the year as such a train wreck.
(dW3, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 21:05, Reply)

May not be 100% reliable, but here goes...
This is a couple of stories about some guy in my school, which nobody knows the veracity of!

firstly- at christmas
he receives a present from his granddad which he is not very happy with and makes it fairly clear. his granddad picks him up on not being very tactful. This kid stabs him in the leg.

secondly-
he is cleaning his rat's cage out, and when he is putting it back in it nips him on the hand. He stabs it several times with a butter knife.

another variation on the second one is that he just removed its legs and let it bleed to death.

either way, just a bit too far i'd say
(slurry apologises, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 21:03, Reply)

Same bloke again
A few months ago my gf split up with me. Whilst talking to him at my desk i mentioned something completely normal, but he replies for no reason whatsoever:-

"At least i've got a fucking girlfriend!"

I don't know why he has, the guys a cunt!!
(Bernie, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 20:45, Reply)

Old
Same colleague...

My boss is in his thirties and thinks he is old and worries about it obsessively. He often gets seconded to work in london and is out of the office a lot. This leads to colleague joking...

"Who's the new fella then. Nice to see the company aren't discriminating about age!"
(Bernie, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 20:41, Reply)

Volunteering for a detachment 8000 miles away.
And not telling the then grrlfiend until the day of the flight. By a phone message. While she was staying at her parents. After stopping the rent on the house we were leasing, and moving all my stuff into storage.
Too far?
I don't think so.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 10 Nov 2006, 20:37, Reply)

Poor hand
A colleague of mine today expressed his sorrow for my colleagues boyfriend.

"He got dealt a shit hand. He's black and small!"
(Bernie, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 20:37, Reply)

Ant and Dec, Noel Edmunds, me and a slimming pill
A while back when I was taking adipex to get rid of my lardy bits, I found a major side effect was that I was more outgoing and talkative than before. In the pub I was Oscar Wilde crossed with Dorothy Parker, keeping my friends in stitches with my witty banter. Then the subject of Ant and Dec's Saturday Takeaway came up, with someone mentioning that A&D had been influenced by Noel Edmunds Late Late Breakfast show. Quick as a flash I said "Well then they're going to have to put a bloke in a box, hoist him up 500 feet and drop him to his death, hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Stony faces all around, so I repeated it. Several times. Nowadays I just stay in my room.
(bonjelafiend, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 20:35, Reply)

Carter - Master of going too far.
School camping trip, about 15 boys and two teachers. Gets to about 8pm and the teachers quite rightly decide to leave us to it and retire to the pub.

All was going well, we had a camp fire, some illicit heineken 4% pish and no staff around.

Carter emerges from his tent with a can of brut or hai-karate spray on deoderant, barks "watch this" and lobs it on the fire.

Everyone retires to a safe distance to wait for the inevitable which arrives with a ferocity which shocked us all, even me.

The aerosol (no, not carter) spread the 4' diameter, 2' deep bed of red hot embers over about a 30' radius, encompasing one teachers caravan awning (melted PVC and canvas) the camp kitchen (melted through all of the water bowsers) and several expensive vango force 10 tents were also scorched :-)

Hardly anything or anyone escaped being scorched, people had burnt scalps and stuff, but for some reason I can't remember anyone being punished for it, possibly because leaving fifteen 15 year old delinquents alone on a camping trip was probably a sackable offence.
(sham-il-eer-tak-tak noes better but still can't give a fuck at, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 20:18, Reply)