Try to take on-board
some of the better advice on here should you have read it thinking "that would apply to me".
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 May 2010, 12:49, Reply)

I have learned
that if you feel a sneeze coming on, don't take another bite of your sandwich
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 May 2010, 12:46, 2 replies)

Dad always said...
"Hurry up and wait." Taught me to be more punctual if anything.
And his favorite catchphrase around the house is:
"I do what I'm told, unless I don't want to." Which I think is good advice in any case!

And of course there's "The uninformed telling the unwilling to do the unnecessary," though it's really more social commentary on our family events than advice...
(Ainadae, Tue 25 May 2010, 12:44, 1 reply)

Grandad
My ever flatulent grandad once said to me after breaking wind in his shed:
"Never push one out son, let it slip out. Then stand back, light your pipe and admire your handywork"
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Tue 25 May 2010, 12:43, Reply)

Learn stuff.
That would be my first and last piece of advice. Doesn't matter what it is, just learn things.

Learn to read.
Learn to play the harmonica.
Learn to hang a door.
Learn to sail a boat.
Learn to speak Flemish.

I can't think of a single damn thing that I've ever learned that hasn't been useful under some more or less bizarre set of circumstances. And I've learned some pretty useless shit in my time. I even used the "conics" we learned in maths so I could cut an ellipse to run a vertical pipe through a sloping greenhouse roof last autumn. However obscure it is, one day it will be useful.

Never stop learning stuff.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 25 May 2010, 12:41, 9 replies)

The old dear
When talking abouth frugalness
"a pounds a pound" - Thank fuck she was there for me when i needed good advice!
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Tue 25 May 2010, 12:39, Reply)

The Ex
"If your gonna stick it in there then be prepared for the repercussions"
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Tue 25 May 2010, 12:37, Reply)

The old man
"Never trust another man who makes small talk at the urinals"
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Tue 25 May 2010, 12:35, Reply)

One less thing to worry about.

If you get accidentally ejected from a space craft airlock, it doesn’t really matter if you start out with clean underwear or not.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 25 May 2010, 12:33, Reply)

Don't bother watching the Lost finale.
It's shit.

Pro-tip for TV writers: If the entire internet guesses your 'twist' partway through series one, spend the next five years thinking up a better one.
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Tue 25 May 2010, 12:33, 13 replies)

I got this from Dara Ó Briain
before you have kids... get out of the habit of using perfectly innocuous words in a sexual way...

(paraphrasing) "You'll thank me when your child comes in after playing in the mud and you say 'you're a dirty girl'"

A friend's child recently told me all about her new fluffy toy - which she kept calling a pussy. It was the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had.
(likeajackhammer, Tue 25 May 2010, 12:30, 2 replies)

Blancmange and Yellow Snow
1. Don't whistle while you're eating blancmange
2. Never eat yellow snow
(GsterMum, Tue 25 May 2010, 12:24, 2 replies)

My dad always says:
"Be good. If you can't be good, be careful. And if you can't be careful, come home."
(I've got the clap has some cool sentence here, Tue 25 May 2010, 11:59, 2 replies)

Advice for parents
Never tell your kids "if it was good enough for me, it's good enough for you".

At an open evening at my kids' school where you could explore the options you could take for GCSE etc, with each department putting on small promotional display and so on, I heard a parent say that to his kid.

Also, if you don't agree with school's handing out homework, make sure you don't tell your kids. At a parent's evening once, I heard a parent telling a teacher that he doesn't agree with homework and he didn't want his kid being given any.

I don't know which I was more disgusted at.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 May 2010, 11:56, 4 replies)

Now here's some good advice I've just been given
"Please think twice before adding line breaks -- your post will be skipped over if it looks too spread out or is a wall of text."
(GoodLord doesn't have time for sigs., Tue 25 May 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Procrastination
Don’t procrastinate over something today which you can always procrastinate over tomorrow.
(abudanta, Tue 25 May 2010, 11:44, 1 reply)

Grans, always Grans...
Mine used to say you should always have a good pair of shoes, and a good bed. Because when you're not in one, you're in the other.

She didn't drive, but I'll wager she would have paid for good tyres too (frankly anything that connects you to the planet is important)
(GoodLord doesn't have time for sigs., Tue 25 May 2010, 11:38, Reply)

David's first law of dating
#1: The sanity of your date is inversely proportional to the number of cats she owns.
(davywavy, Tue 25 May 2010, 10:53, 3 replies)

In the presence of unbelievably good looking women (and their inevitable rejection of your advances), remember:
"Disneyland might look good, but the rides are shit."

See also:

"Throw enough shit at a wall and some of it will stick."
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Tue 25 May 2010, 10:12, 8 replies)

Simple really....
Leave while they still want you to stay.

It applies to every situation - parties, jobs, living at home, living with friends, being alive over 70.....
(marcooosa has no idea what a board sig is, Tue 25 May 2010, 9:57, 5 replies)

Fans will know I have trained in karate for many years, and can break several concrete slabs with my head while still composing haiku on the beauty of existence.
My teacher, Master Hung, taught me the best piece of advice for anyone involved in any conflict - mental, physical or emotional - because in order to reach the tenth level black at which Master Hung was a four times world championship master teacher, you must be able to control all your funtions precisely including emotional pain, mental fatigue, and physical power.

His advice was "The butterfly's wing is unable to beat if the butterfly is not willing to learn" and that's true because I'm now ninetieth dan blackbelt superkiller and I could totally kick anyone's head in, but be calm and philosophical about it and totally zen.

Peace.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 25 May 2010, 9:46, 8 replies)

"Never trust a woman
whose belly sticks out further than her tits."

A piece of un-pc advice that has always stuck with me - largely because it is a complete piece of nonsense and for some reason always makes me smile.
( Blackdogmanguitar is out with Fat Larry's Jazz Band on, Tue 25 May 2010, 9:30, 9 replies)

Probably too late for most of us
but GET AN EDUCATION BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

One of my kids, after years of enjoyable student life, is now about to start a prestigious job with brilliant prospects. They're even paying for him to relocate abroad.

The other is stacking shelves, with a mean boss and no money or work benefits. Tied into a mortgage now and can't afford to go into education.

It's all about choices, kids!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 25 May 2010, 8:57, 7 replies)

if it's not backed up in three places
it's not really backed up


bugger
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Tue 25 May 2010, 8:57, Reply)

Fighting
Best advice I've heard on fighting is to not do it. If someone starts on you in a pub just look at them, say 'alright, outside, now.' and walk to the door. They'll do one of two things, either stop you and apologise then buy you a drink or they'll be really up for it and follow you to the door. If they do the latter, just run away when you get outside.

Advice from Geoff Thompson, a seriously hard man who did enough fighting to know it's not worth doing.

He runs a self defense class and was talking to a young lady once about a self defense class she went to elsewhere. She said that it had given her loads of confidence and that she used to walk home on her own and deliberately go the long way round a park when it was dark. After doing the self defense class she said she now had the confidence to walk through the park at night. He was dismayed as the best advice for self defense is to avoid the situation in the first place. She should have been taught not to go through the park at night at all.
(robbersdog, Tue 25 May 2010, 8:09, 8 replies)

The only things your can every truly own
are those things you can carry while sprinting
(Heggy, Tue 25 May 2010, 7:44, Reply)

A Rubbish man can never be a Lawyer
My dad used to all ways tell me (i think to crush me so i wouldn't aspire to be anything greater than a rubbish man, because he felt i was such a juvenile shit) A Rubbish man can never be a Lawyer, but a Lawyer can always be a Rubbish man. I think what he meant was aspire to be better than a rubbish man cos you can always do a shit job when your at the top, but if your in a shit job you can never reach the top.
He used to also say "make sure your life is sorted by the time you are 30" - This one i know is true, so many of my friends are still fucking around and have no career path, and no prospect to be anything other than a Rubbish man.
Oh and my dad was an Electrician.
(sub4cer, Tue 25 May 2010, 6:40, 2 replies)

If you are trying to kill a mosquito and it fades into to background and you focus on the far wall,
cross your eyes a little bit and it may come back into focus, for the kill. Good luck.
( I smash things in my sleep uruk-hai ...and I'll look low. Now where'd they go?, Tue 25 May 2010, 5:05, Reply)

Sage advice for out times. bindun?
You dont pull on Superman's cape,
You dont spit into the wind,
You dont pull the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger,
and you dont mess around with Jim.
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Tue 25 May 2010, 3:19, Reply)

I was once told
"It's not gay to put a wig on someone and spoon them"

David Bowie told me.
(Hitler's other ball. R soul., Tue 25 May 2010, 2:32, 1 reply)