chewing the arm hair near my wrists
it hurts but is tasty
it leaves me all bare
i'd better not be hasty
or there'll be none left to share

to buy this or any of my other great poems, please send your money to me in either a brown sack with a dollar sign on it or a fancy suitcase prone to opening up and letting the notes fly away in the morning cyclone.
(riedacher_bertram, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 12:23, Reply)

Butter
That one about peeling protective plastic reminds me that I do rather enjoy peeling the foil or paper lids off a new tub of butter or that I-can't-believe-you-think-this-is-remotely-like-butter type spread. I've done this for years, and used to fight with my sister when we were kids about who would get to take the foil off. Actually, I don't think she derived any pleasure from the act itself, just from watching me not getting to do it.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 12:22, Reply)

HA!
Goldfish_Samurai always laughs at goatse references, I know what you mean!! I salute every magpie I see and say "hello george!" or evil will come on me!
(maddave, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 12:20, Reply)

Peeling
those bits of protective plastic off of new gadgets. Ohhh I love it. My boyfriend specifically hunts them out and saves them for me now.
(fluppet, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 12:12, Reply)

i dont get out much...
You know you get those people that sit beside smaller roundabouts and sell bags of potatoes??
They are so easy top wind up. We once pulled up next to his big handwritten sign saying '1 BaG £3' and asked how much a bag was,shouted 'BARGAIN!!', waved a wallet in the air and drove off. haha!
EVEN funnier if you go around the roundabout twice then do exactly the same wearing a pirate eyepatch.

*Repeat until the joke wears thin or you run out of petrol.
(Legs 11 last got some loving on, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 11:57, Reply)

Feeding the Animals...
I like to feed the cows...

It's not unusual for me to be having a BBQ with mates in an area where there happen to be cows... Watch, Listen and Learn kids as a cow happily gobbles up a hamurger...

You can achieve nearly the same karmic effect by feeding Chicken to Chickens.

Pigs don't do it for me though.. there's nothing special about pigs eating bacon.

Strangely rewarding, and not-at-all illegal, but it still gives you a minor twinge of guilt. The sheer morbid joy and zen-like stillness usually soothes the twinge though ;o)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 8 Apr 2005, 11:44, Reply)

.
I find myself putting random garments on without realising it. By the time ive tidied my room i am usually dressed as a french man, berret, moustache, hankie round the neck and my stripey top. I dnt realise im doing it and my french accent stays for the rest of the day.
The other day i ended up as SuperTed, red cape and teddy ears.
The strange thing is i dnt know why i own a red cape, teddy ears and a fake moustache. I cant remember buying them or using them and leaving them on my floor every other week?????
(Legs 11 last got some loving on, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 11:39, Reply)

Benny Hill
My current constant guilty pleasure is watching the video of the WTC events, dubbed over with that Benny Hill song, and laughing my arse off every single time.
(Krunk Hey hey, ho ho, 1100110, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 11:32, Reply)

Guilty Moi? Never!
Taking a dump at work whilst browsing b3ta on the mobile.

Not picking my nose and eating it like a snotty 2 year old, but picking it and making a collection of bogeys under my desk at work, four years worth on this desk so far.

The smell of new books / magazines.

Leaving tuna sandwiches underneath the seats of workmates cars.

Making the postman or delivery driver wait till they are just about to leave then shouting thru the door for them to wait while I get dressed.

Farting in commuters faces as you get up to leave the train, the louder the better.

Cleaning the black sock fluff from between my toes and chekcing it for smell factor.

Giving foreign coins to soap dodging homeless types.
( M o D, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 11:30, Reply)

Apart from piss and shit...
..i eat all* of my bodily secretions. Earwax is the worst tasting, much worse than pus, which has a surprisingly neutral taste.

*Yes, all. It saves on kleenex.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 8 Apr 2005, 11:29, Reply)

Fat Bear
I do exactly the same. Sometimes I can listen to just one band for days and days and it makes me feel terrible because of all the other great music I have that I could/should be listening to as well, but all I want is that one band...

Also I worry that I'll overplay it and never want to listen to it again
(therocker, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 11:26, Reply)

where to start......
I share many peoples pleasures such as picking nose, picking both my own and other peoples spots, shitting with door open, nakedness etc....but here are a few more different ones....

1) being naked in my car when driving down the motorway at some stupid time in the morning (sober)

2) blowing my nose and looking at the sticky thick lumps of snot Ive left in the tissue

3)cleaning ears with q-tips til my eyes roll back in their sockets from the pleasure

4) Inspecting phlegm Ive coughed up - that's a fave at the mo - it's all white a gloopy, kinda looks like spunk due to being ill and gross

5) Itching my bum with bog roll and looking at it

6) Plucking out individual pubes at random, in fact, plucking out any hairs in random places...

7) stealing other peoples tea bags from work when Ive run out

....there are more, but cant think right now....
(helish, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 11:23, Reply)

More on magpies
I talk to magpies if there are two or more. I have to say 'Hello Sailors' or else bad things might happen. Thanks for the response Chocolatepossom and making me realise that this is hardly a pleasure at all - guilty or otherwise. Christ, I need help..........

A genuine guilty pleasure I indulge in is weeing in my in-laws soft drinks. Have some of that! (actually, please don't).
( Goldfish_, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 11:15, Reply)

Back Saddling

I back saddle all my friends toilets at house parties.

Sit on the toilet but back to front, so you do a poo not in the water but on the lip and then flush it to leave a massive skid all down the toilet...

It makes them confused.

Offering massages to the girls at work, they think i'm being nice but i'm really looking down their tops.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 11:02, Reply)

humming themetunes
some times i also like to hum the antiques roadshow theme tune infact i even like to play guess the price when watching it ....usually im wrong
(braincanine, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 10:50, Reply)

Listening to the same album over and over.
For some reason it makes me feel guilty because I always think I should be taking advantage of all the CDs I have available to me, and that I should always be experiencing more music. But when I find an album I fall in love with I can't help but put it on repeat for hours at a time.

At the moment it's The Chalets "Nightrock EP", which makes me want to dance like an idiot at work.
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 10:48, Reply)

Moulding my 10 month old daughter's musical tastes
When it's just me and Catfish Jnr in the car I enjoy lecturing her about the good and bad points in what's on the radio/CD/iPod...

*Bedingfield comes on radio*

"...now, Catfish. Observe the trite lyrics and lack of originality contained within this song. This is music for people with no imagination or soul..."

*The Black Keys fires up*

"...on the other hand, although this music could be described as lo-fi, maybe to the point to amateurish, it still contains more ideas and - please excuse my french - rocks like a nasty bastard... no, Catfish. It's not good to say "bastard"..."

She's a big fan of Pavement and the funkier side of the Primal Scream. She's also starting to appreciate QOTSA at the moment.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 10:44, Reply)

Glue
Spreading PVA glue on the back of my hand.

Waiting for it to dry (blowing on it helps).

Then peeling it off very, very slowly.

Lully!
( Safetyfox, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 10:40, Reply)

when i was young
i used to feed cows loads of grass, then stand there for ages waiting to watch them poo.

I wanked on a bus once; into an empty quavers packet.
(nappy rash, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 10:26, Reply)

Stressed out work mates...
I take great pleasure from seeing how easily wound up one of my work mates gets. She gets annoyed at everything. Sits there huffing at her desk and cops a stropp whenever someone asks her to do something.

I just sit here in my bubble of serenity and grin.

I think she gets stressed that I grin...

I should try breaking wind more frequently too I think...
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 10:20, Reply)

the lamp post game
i quite enjoy playing the lampost game when walking along a street and there is a car approaching i have 2 get past the nearest lamp post but not running but at a fast walking pace.this can keep me occupied for hours.

also if there is a speck of dirt on the window and im driving along il make it dance side to side and make it jump over buildings simply by closing each eye the mud speck dances back and forth!!! yay
(braincanine, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 10:15, Reply)

Goldfish/Magpies
I did the magpie thing too until last week but I stopped it because it was getting silly. I not only had to wave to the magpie but also say "hello Mr Magpie" I was doing this every time I saw a Magpie for ooh years, regardless of whether I was on my own, in the street, on a packed bus... it had to stop.
(chocolatepossum, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 10:08, Reply)

The truth shall set you free
I work for the CIA, and my guilty pleasure is making up reports of foreign countries having weapons of mass distruction so the army then invades them.

I know its wrong but its such good fun!
(ShiteMonger, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 10:08, Reply)

Smoker!
I love being the only smoker where I work. It's a new job and the last place had lots of smokers. Now I feel all special... In fact, I'm off for one now!

ttfn
(bloodyHassocks, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 10:05, Reply)

Sellotape
I have this thing about sellotape. If I'm left on my own with a roll of it I have the irresistable urge to peel bits off and stick them on myself. It's largely subconscious - by the time I know I'm doing it I've usually taped up my entire face and both hands. I'll then realise what I'm doing, peel it off, and the whole process will start again.

When I'm around other people, particularly at work, I have to warn them not to leave any sellotape around me.
( dr_fonz, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 9:47, Reply)

Pooing
If we caught our cat about to have a poo in the garden, we'd call each other in and we'd all stand and watch him through the window, sometimes laughing loudly and pointing, or we'd knock on the window and put him off!

The indignant look on his face as he ran off with his ears back, pooily frustrated!
(finbarr, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 9:41, Reply)

Not all dirty but good anyway
Guilty pleasure 1 - Being a tit
Air drumming. Much better than air guitar.

And pretending to be the lead singer/lead guitarist/DJ of the band you are listening to and strutting round the living room like you're Mick Jagger on stage or something. Well I like it anyway.

Guilty pleasure 2 - Being a dirty man
Picking my nose, removing nose hairs by hand, farting loudly and malodourously in confined spaces such as lifts, cars, beds, dancefloors. Walking over to a colleagues desk on the pretence of asking something, then farting and walking away again. The feeling just before a massive, noisesome belch erupts from your mouth. The humour I get from hearing my wife fart.

And on a less disgusting note...

Guilty pleasure 3 - Eating things
A soft roll with double potato scone and tomato sauce, a nice cup of tea made by my wife (she is truly the best tea-maker on Gods green earth), Irn Bru from a glass bottle, my mums stewed sausage casserole, going on the piss with my best mates, and a day out to a nice country pub with Mrs Normanator and the in-laws (yes, they are EXTREMELY nice people), going home to Glasgow when it's warm and sunny, a rarity indeed!
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 9:32, Reply)

random fun!
I really enjoy being generally petty.

When I bump into someone or do something that most people would just mumble "sorry" and move on, I just say "I'm not sorry!" or when I'm drunk, "I'm not f**king sorry!".

Sometimes when my friends apologise and say sorry, I'll say something like, "No, you're not."

I also enjoy being offensively cheerful to people I speak to on the phone at work.

Tom will know this, but I pretended to be a medical student for two years and would really enjoy being a great big embarassment when I went to parties with my medic mates. Especially if everyone was being 'cool'.

I also tend to derive great pleasure from muttering off colour jokes to arty types when I go to arty places.

In my car, I'm incredibly abusive, using some of the foulest language and invoking the most vile curses on my fellow road users. My friend suggested I should record myself and send a transcript to Rockstar games for the next GTA soundtrack.

There are more, but they can wait.

I'm not sorry.
(sancho, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 9:31, Reply)

Picking my brother's nose.
Really. He has small sinuses (something to do with his Down's Syndrome) and consequently not much room to store snot. So he often has giant bogeys lurking just inside his nostrils. I love picking the slimy little fuckers out.

I like picking my own nose too. And eating it (in full view of others - I'm not ashamed). I don't eat my bro's snot though; that'd be vile.

Eating icecubes.

Wearing no pants so I can wank on the sly. I used to have a pair of jeans with holes cut in the pockets for easy access. I threw them away when the crotch wore out, though.

Poking my eyes so I can see trippy patterns and colours.

Reading pornographic literature. As an asexual, it doesn't turn me on, but I have a childish sense of humour so I find it very funny. Things like "hot liquid passion ran down whatsername's thighs" make me giggle like a loon on loon tablets.
(I usually get a barrage of questions when I say I'm asexual, so check the link in my profile instead of turning the qotw into a messageboard, ta.)

Reciting Weebl episodes from memory. I do this in the street sometimes and don't notice I've been doing it until I start getting funny looks. Same with singing David Bowie songs.

Stomping around my bedroom listening to hard house or drum & bass. For some reason I enjoy music most when I'm moving. Even if it's just walking, I like to be kinetic.

Taking all my pants out of the drawer and rearranging them on the floor to spell 'PANTS'. I'd do this with my bras but I only have five.

Walking round the house naked when no-one else is in.

The smell of my own fanjita. It's my favourite smell in the world, even more so than choccy.

Kung Fu Fighting by Bus Stop, Agadoo by Black Lace, The Logical Song by Scooter, and Hey Baby by DJ Ozti. I am so very, very sorry. They're so bad they're good.

Imagining I can do all the stuff James Bond does when I watch the films, and imagining how I'd do it differently (I wouldn't save the annoying chicks, for a start).

Leaving my college work 'til the night before. My parents think I do it the day it gets set and don't realise I'm actually b3taing et al when they think I'm diligently googling. Gullible twunts.

Chewing off and eating my toenails. I used to do my fingernails when I was ickle, but got fed up with how scraggy and nasty they looked, so gave it up and moved to other appendages that aren't on display. But I do like trimming my fingernails with clippers once they're all past a certain length and eating the clippings.

Farting with gusto in public. I get away with it by bursting into hysterical laughter and taking everyone else with me.

Playing Adventure Quest. It's a very cheesy little Flash (or something, I don't know the difference) RPG, but I can't get enough. Same with Neopets (the shame) until recently.

Chasing my senile old cats. Their feet scrabble so charmingly when they try to take a corner.

Lying naked in bed and rubbing my tummy against the sheets. It's just so nice. Having my tummy tickled is also very nice.

Belching 'Archbishop Macarios' (no idea if that's how his name is spelled, can't be bothered to google). Or indeed just belching. Quickly drink two tall glasses of lemonade or something, then jump up and down for two minutes. Then let rip. And be prepared to be weeing like mad for the next forty minutes.

Lancing blisters with needles (ordinary sewing ones) and watching all the lymph ooze out. Makes them sting like fuck for a while, but once it's stopped they're much more comfy than if I'd left them undrained.

Mentally adding 'in my pants' to song titles and/or substituting the last word of a book title for 'bumhole'. I took these up after reading about them on b3ta. People often wonder why I'm standing in front of bookshelves or my CD collection just laughing my socks off.

Keeping all my CDs in alphabetical order by title (used to be by artist, but I couldn't resolve the dilemma of whether Paul McCartney and Wings should be under M or W, or whether to classify Amorphous Androgynous with Future Sound of London or separately (they're the same band with two names)). I just love it when they're all lined up in their proper places.
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 9:25, Reply)

Toilet cubicle stalking
Sometimes when I've left a toilet cubicle at work, I realise while I'm washing and drying my hands that there's someone in another cubicle who's waiting for me to leave the room before they emerge. Don't know why - maybe they're embarrassed about people seeing that they take a shit at work or something. Anyway, I walk towards the door, open the door, and let it close loudly. As I hear the toilet inevitably start to flush, I creep back to the washbasins and start to re-wash my hands. As the person leaves the cubicle, they look at me in embarrassed amazement, and I respond by giving them a really dirty look.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 9:17, Reply)