It was just a phase!
My step-dad thinks I'm a lesbian, which he's fine with. I'm not - I like guys as well. I haven't got the heart to tell him.
( girlinthehole, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 15:11, Reply)

piss
I generally prefer to piss in peoples small sinks in the bathroom than go to all the fuss of lifting the lid and not splashing. I am evil.

I dont do any work .... when I am at work. I surf most of the day.

I have a huge porn collection buried deep on my mothers computer. Fortunately she barely able to send an email from it so I should be safe.

I am jealous of my brother.

I drink by myself sometimes.

I am 33 and still enjoy Playstation games.

I have been lurking for over 4 years. Never posted a picture under my name. Well I did once and it was shit.

I enjoy watching Judge Judy.

I am curious as to what happens to Ziggy and Chanelle now they are out of the BB house.

I quite fancy Lisa Tarbuck... I dont know why. I hate fat birds.

I hate facebook, myspace, and the others.... why cant people email/phone me rather leave fucking messages? And why do I have a bloody page in the first place?

I like curried lentils.

I generally dont like other people... I prefer cats.

Beautiful people and religious types make me nervous. I avoid their company.

Regularly imagine suicide rather than face anything I dont want to do.... (another pointless meeting... a crap project that needs sorting out).... just to make a point.




....aaaaaaaaaaagh! Better.
(wackers1, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 15:03, Reply)

not very guilty
I have just flown to Scotland for a meeting I did not need to attend and will be wasting the next two days sitting on my arse, drinking whisky in work time all so I can pick up my new motorbike and ride it down to London this weekend. my guilt is the greenhouse gases and my mate Paul who is having to do all my work.

second thoughts screw him and the planet I'm getting a new bike and just don't give a shit
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Tue 4 Sep 2007, 15:00, Reply)

I'll stop when I need glasses
I pleasured myself.

It was vere fluffeh

I finished just then.

When you were reading the first line.
(magentacock is spunking like it's nineteen ninety-nine..., Tue 4 Sep 2007, 14:51, Reply)

Here goes!
I once had a fling with a guy who had ginger wavey hair and wore lots of tweed - and he had a girlfriend, (thats the guilty bit). He also wore lycra when biking.

I've spent years trying to erase that one from my memory.
( girlinthehole, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 14:37, Reply)

I was going to post that....
I am the goatse man, but I couldn't bring myself to do it....

any b3tans want to own up?

(frank?)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 14:28, Reply)

la swipe?
is she some sort of opera singer as well?
( Kroney, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 14:15, Reply)

Ms Swipe
Okay, I can testify that I have met Ms Swipe in person.

She's one very bad lady indeed. Chaps, if you haven't been out on the razz with la Swipe, you haven't lived...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 4 Sep 2007, 14:03, Reply)

Im a twunt
On a works piss up a female friend left her mobile on the table while stumbling around the bar.

In my drunken haze i thought it would be a scream to take her mobile to the toilet and secretly take a pic of my cock and MMS it to every mobile number she had in her directory.

Seemingly she had a large number of calls the next day asking for an explanation, especally from her parents and boyfriend....
(mabazaritchie ...Its not rape if she cums first..., Tue 4 Sep 2007, 13:54, Reply)

Confession
Dear all, loving your work, mine a little tame by comparison, but here's a few:

Stole from a Church

Saw girlfrirnds mum undress (she was blind and left the door open ... she must've known I was there and would probably confess on here herself if she could see the QOTW)

Suspect I was responsible for the family dog's death.

Have nothing more to add. What a waste of a life!
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 13:43, Reply)

Ha Ha another one
Not my secret but my mates (Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha)

there was a bit of a house party round a friends and everyone was steaming, i fucked off a bit early to see my bit on the side but dutifully returned the next day

upon entering all is quiet and empty but for my mate (we'll call him bob) bob asleep under the table in the living room i says hello and get the finger in reply (as you do)

i proceed to the kitchen to make a bacon sarnie and bob emerges
'Whats that on your shirt' asks i
bob looks down at his shirt, looks at me then looks down again and mutters blood. hmmmmmm thinks i for a second
'I shagged Stacey (not her name) last night'
'urgh' i mumble
now Stacey is easily pushing 20 stone and is about as attractive as a glass of sand after a marathon
'she was on the rag (that time of the month)'
'did u use a johnny??'
'uhhh nope'

what a horrible, horrible guy
(Menlui laughing maniacally, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 13:22, Reply)

Pah secrets
I have no guilty secrets cause when i get liqoured up i develop an extrodinary range of skills the worst being the 'Celebrity disease' in that i have no shame so tell everyone (including random members of the public) my filthy escapades

and yes i have shagged a mates (well a mate of mate) mum there was no guilt, that was until i saw her in sunlight (it still gives me shivers)

but in my opinion my best is a fortnight ago i got my mates mum and little brother stoned off their respective trolley's and my mate would kick seven shades of shit out of me if he found out

its only a matter of time too as i get liquored all the time and have told almost all and sundry
(Menlui laughing maniacally, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 13:13, Reply)

@abefroman
...clearing up nicely thanks, but I think the hamster is suffering PTSD.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 13:11, Reply)

I was in the top maths set at school
and I wasn't as good as the rest of the folk there. Frankly, I was the worst of the bunch, but I didn't want to be.

However, this being 1994, the school had one calculator per two people, and this started my scheme to sabotage the work of the friend I sat with. All I did was press the '+' key when I'd finished your calculation, thus completely annihilating the calculation next tried on it. It wasn't long before I was no longer bottom of the class. If you're reading this, Chris, I'm sorry.

Apologies for lack of funnies. Although, seeing some of the crap other people have written as responses to the question this week, I'll just add that I shagged the teacher, the teacher's assistant and the technician in a massive spunk-filled orgy, until the teacher's breasts were covered in the blood from her ass, which I'd violated until it had exploded.
(mmmkay, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 13:07, Reply)

Tescos
Several months ago. The fine people at tescos were offering a rather swanky 2-4-1 deal on theme park tickets when more than £10 is spent. So as pikey students this seemed like a fine day out on the cheep. A bunch of us save our vouchers and then load up into a bunch of cars and fly mob handed down to Thorpe Park.

I love[d] scary rides, however old age (22 for fuck sake) seems to have got the better of my stomach and inner ears and I cant deal with much in the way of fast, rotatory movement. I was coming off every ride in a sweat and feeling like I was going to hurl. Luckily to make me feel like less of a pansy my chum whom we shall call Mr. Morgan as that is what his father is also called, was afflicted with the same weak constitution.

We bravely soldiered on, going on every ride we could despite the fact it made us feel like shit until it was home time. We pile into the cars again and make our way home. It just so happened that I was in Morgan's car (with 2 other gents all in our pants, due to our clothes being wet from the log flume, but that information is of no relevance. I just wanted to add to the comedy). Anyway over the M25 we go, rush hour traffic, not too bad. When Morgan announces he is feeling really rough. Being the good Samaritan, I offer to drive. We pull over swap round and continue on our journey.

Around the Junction of Enfield Morgan's guts can take no more and he starts violently vomiting out the window. The sight of it spraying on the back window and the sound of the other passengers laughing, is something I will never forget.

My guilty secret* is despite trying to be sympathetic. I really found it the funniest thing ever.



*Its not really a secret as I was on the verge of losing bowl control due to laughing.

A real secret would be that we mocked a child while at Thorpe Park. But to be fair. He was obese, ginger and Pakistani, I shit you not. Living proof there is no god.
(Gimli son of Gloin., Tue 4 Sep 2007, 13:07, Reply)

reallywittyname
What a night that was! How's the anal herpes by the way?
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 13:05, Reply)

I once shagged abefroman
...in his mum's bed while his sister was downstairs and his grandma was watching through the window. And I was going out with his dad at the time.

We've never spoken about it since.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 13:03, Reply)

BulldogUgly is right
I think we should have two pages, one for amusing stories that are on topic, another for the bullshit/bragging/wank fantasy posts (along the line of shagging best mates/brothers/dads bird/sister/mum in his bed/bathroom/presence) that are becoming so irritatingly tiresome.

It's not a guilty secret, it's a load a bollocks.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 13:00, Reply)

Chips & Paper
On the way home from the pub I used to stop in the chinese takeaway and get a bag of chips.

Then while they were out the back doing the chips I'd nick the Sunday newspaper.
Every week.
For a year.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 12:44, Reply)

Mostly seems to be when it comes to girls...
That i turn into an absolute twunt.

Such as -

Shagging a girl, and having to jump off when my girlfriend arrived downstairs.

Spending 2 weeks convincing my girlfriend to sleep with me for the first time ("If you love me you will") and the day after she does, I go out and pull 2 other girls.

Shagging my best mates girlfriend

Cheating on a girlfriend, after much grovelling she got back with me at 5pm on a Friday. At 8 o clock I had my tongue down her best friends throat.

Although I'll never beat my older brother, for his classic.

Brother: So should I expect a suck (blow job for the more innocent b3tans) tonight?
Ugly Girl: No, I'm not that kind of girl.
B: You should be, you might get some. Doors on the left, see you later.

He actually kicked her out

They are secrets, but whether I feel guilty about them is another thing....
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 12:33, Reply)

My guilty secret is...
...that i read alot of these and think "Bullshit"... I'm not proud of it but there you go! :D
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 12:31, Reply)

my latest guilty secret
is that me and my gf shagged in my parents lounge, with the curtains open. not so bad till you realise that the window faces the street, and i could see what my gf couldnt... there was a very disturbed dog walking granny watching. my gf will never know she was a sideshow to a prudish octogenarian!
(DonMorte Cake is a made up drug, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 12:27, Reply)

Wrong
One of our cats is rather needy. Wrenched early from the tit, he does that kneading and pawing thing a lot, i.e, I know the milk's in there somewhere.
Imagine my chagrin then, when I woke up one morning with him affixed to one of my nipples. The attendant morning glory was purely coincidental, officer.
This however pales into insignificance compared to a similar story told by a gay mate of ours, who woke up bright and early and smiling one morning to the sensation of "being rimmed by a staffordshire bull terrier".
(Countryslicker, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 12:14, Reply)

1st Post! Wayhey!
Well after lurking for several months now, I think this is the time to lose my posting virginity.

I'm 21 and so is my girlfriend. We've been together 2 years. Anyway...

She has 2 sisters. 2 very stunningly amazingly gorgeous sisters. 1 is 18 and the other 17. And I've shagged both of them!

Let me explain.

Back one year ago me and the missus had a blazing row. Didn't speak for days. After about 4 days I decided that I wanted to patch things up. So I go up her house (She lived with her parents and sisters) Got there and she wasn't there. But her 1 sister was. The 18 year old. Well, she was 17 then but all legal!

Anyway as I was upset she offered me in to chat as we got on pretty good anyway. We talked for about 2 hours and I started to feel better. I the lean in for a hug and she throws her arms around me and snogs the face off me. Convincing myself that me and my girlfriend were 'On a break' (I love that excuse!!!) I proceeded to shag the living daylights out of her sister. Felt great. Then the guilt kicked in. We both decided not to say anything about it and to this day we haven't.

Anyway the younger sister is a different story. She was off out to a party and asked me if I'd mind taking her. I agreed and dropped her off as promised.

3 hours later and the sister phones me in tears asking if I'd pick her up. She sounded a little worse for wear. So off I trot and pick her up. She starts bawling about how much of a prick her boyfriend is. And she had drunk a shitload of booze which probably didn't help. So I just drive round talking her through things and trying to help her calm down. Which she does. Then she thanks me and puts her hand on my leg. Which then moves up to the crotch area.

Aroused and chuffing at the opportunity to bone the other sister, I find a nice secluded spot on top of a mountain road and we get down to things.

Guilt is starting to set in now. How neither of them blabbed only God knows.

Length? Well they all seem quite pleased!
( sausagesucker just paid £5.00 for a cup of Tea!, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 12:06, Reply)

I think we need
to have a seperate board for rachelswipe fawning. it seems to spill out onto the qotw practically every week.
( Kroney, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 12:06, Reply)

If i know i have to work overtime
I make sure i have a poo during it, even if it means saving one for 7 hours, as it is a great feeling knowing you are being paid extra to poo - and if i am on double time i easily earn £10.
Which explains my user name.
Not really a guilty secret, but i bet my boss wouldn't be too happy if he knew.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 12:01, Reply)

We've all done it, haven't we ?
When I was 14 or so, like I guess many amongst us I was naught but a raging bag of spunk and hormones and my mates mother was what we now term a MILF - at the time the commonly used vernacular was " a big fuckin' ride ".

These facts induced me to seek out my mate's spare house key from under the coalbox, gain illegal entry, access said MILF's undy drawer and relieve her of a couple of pairs of what at the time were fashionably large but none the less sexy pants.

I think possibly the risk taken in acquiring them added to the endless hours of fun I had with them in the weeks to come.
( Ramsay Tupper, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 11:55, Reply)

Broken arms, screwed ankles and baby farts
Just a few that I can remember:

At primary school, after dinner time, I was in a particular hurry (god knows why) to get back in to my class room. In my haste I inadvertently broke a younger girls arm, and because she never told on me (fair play to her), I only found out a few years later, and still feel genuinely guilty about.

When I was 12 or so, there was a new estate being built behind my house, and given the less safety minded-ness of the time, it was like an open, free, half finished theme park for kids. My parents obviously knew this and politely informed me not to mess around on it. So when I was duly messing around on it, I was shocked to see an approaching builders van (on a sunday too, what builders even work sundays). And so I made a hasty re-entry via a fence to my garden, unfortunately I hooked my ankle and did a 180 flip and then dropped gracefully into a heap. After crawling the length of the garden, I informed my parents that I had in fact "gone to kick a football, and kicked the ground". This was an excuse so convincing that even doctors believed it, and rightly put my ankle in a cast for 6 weeks. 17 years later, my parents still know no better.

At a recent wedding celebration of a mate, I'd had a particularly long previous night, and the inevitable beer farts were flowing freely. This led to me dropping a particular SbD, which was then blamed on an innocent baby in close proximity. The mother of said baby was not best pleased, and went off in an embarassed huff.

I'm sure theres some more things i'm guilty about, or at least should be..
(ShiftyBastard won the World Cup on World Soccer Champs 2010!, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 11:44, Reply)