Micheal douglas' brother
you know the one that overdosed or something like that.

wanted to be a stand up comic but was absolutely shite, was dying on his arse one time at the jongleurs when some bloke told him to fuck off.

"dont you know who i am??? im kirk douglas' son!?"

to which one bloke stood up and shouted "no IM kirk douglas' son!"

and one by one everyone got up and shouted "NO IM kirk douglas' son!"

he left soon after in tears!


honerable mention some shite yank comic in reading fest last year who was so shite that he refused to leave the stage till he got a laugh, he counted down the time in his set FFS!
(Four String Demon, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 23:07, Reply)

Alien cracker
Was watching Alien Resurrection at the cinema, it gets to the scene where Sigourney Weaver drips a bit of blood on the floor which then acid burns through the floor revealing her half alien genes to the audience.

Mate sittimg next to me announces to the whole cinema at maximum volume "You wouldn't fuck her when she's on the rag would you?"

To which my enterprising mate on the other side replied "It's ok you can just shove slaked lime up her cunt first..."


Apologies for length, girth and chemical burns....
(pitviper, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 23:01, Reply)

Inadvertant heckle
A while back some friends and I went to the Fright Night festival. One of the films we watched was "Romasanta" and after the film we sat loudly taking the piss out of it and calling it rubbish. At one point I recall complaining that there were no lesbian nuns in it!

At that point our host for the festival bounds onto stage and announces a big treat: the director of the film (Francisco Plaza) was here and was now going to come onto the stage to answer audience questions.

A man sitting right in front of us got up and joined the host on stage.

We cringed mightily and scarpered before he came back.
(Don't touch me! I'm ticklish, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 23:00, Reply)

why do I do at bands that I like?
I went to watch Death Cab For Cutie a few years ago in Manchester (just after they released 'Transatlantacisim' pop-facters). Going straight from work I hit the alcoholic beverages quite hard up until the show. During the show the guitarist was trying to get his head around why there is 'Chester' in lots of places in the UK (It was due to the Romans BTW, but I digress), seeing this man explaining his theory on stage and then including Leicester in the 'Chester' list I lost it and shouted "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PLAY THE GUITAR!!". Now, I dont know if youve ever shouted at a sensitive indie soul, but I imagine the reaction would be quite simalar to his. There was no retort to quell this drunken English monstrosity in the audience, he just looked at his shoes and actually looked like he was GOING TO CRY, and said meekly "Well......I just wanted to know....."

I. Felt. Like. Shit. after that.... probably ruined the gig for a whole lot of people there.

The week after I forgot about all that 'badness'...until I went to one of the many 'indie' clubs in Manchester when I started to chat to a girl I knew
"Oh, you went to the Death Cab gig too?!?" Says I

"Yeah, but did you hear that dickhead that shouted at the guitarist?"

Me "Eeerr...funny story about that"

Length: It wouldnt matter, I didnt get some anyway.
(iamthewaffle, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 22:56, Reply)

This odd comedy character was doing an act
in which he demonstrated how to make a sandwich.

He put some slices of bread together, going "this is the top slice, let's pretend this is cheese, and this is the bottom slice."

-"That's not cheese! It's bread!" an audience member yelled.

Cue 5 minutes of him repeating "Let's pretend it's cheese. Let's... let's pretend it's cheese. Let's pretend it's cheese. Let's pretend it's cheese. (...)"
(Caustic Armadillo consists at least 30% out of custard, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 22:48, Reply)

In for me, they've all got in for me
Think about it.

I was at a Christmas do a few years ago, it was a swanky RAF Officer's do and it was my first with my partner's parents - So I did what every good person trying to not be an arse does and I got hammered. Good and proper. I think I hit on her sister, told a few home truths and passed out a bit later - Aaaaanyhoooo.

The camp commander was making some kind of speech and I decided to heckle the guy much to the embarassment of her, her parents and everyone else there. I promptly passed out on a couch and it took them about 3 days to talk to me again.

Short on detail, but I don't remember it......

Length, etc..........
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 22:26, Reply)

Jerry Sadowitz
Jerry Sadowitz responded to a heckle with a response that can not be beaten..."don't tell me how to do my job, do I tell you how to pimp your sister" pure class.
( fejling, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 22:19, Reply)

More of a comeback than a heckle....
On the way to pick up a TV i had bought on ebay, from a warehouse somewhere in manchester, a friend and I walked past a couple of chav's - matching black tracksuits, can of special brew in hand etc etc...

Anyway, the smarter of the 2 noticed we both wear glasses and came out with:

"Ha ha, 8 eyes, 8 EYES!"
To which my friend replied:

"Hu Hu Hu - NO GCSE's"
(Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 21:52, Reply)

The Quireboys
A wee while back some friends and I decided that in our infinite wisdom we wanted to go to a Quireboys gig. It might have been because we were pissed, or possibly because we were young, or most likely because it was the only gig happening in Cambridge that evening.

The gig started with a band called The Raiders of Rock and Roll (shite), progressing to Tokyo Dragons (too rubbish for words) and finally the wrinkly veterans themselves, the Quireboys.

That night they had decided dress as 'flouncy-cuffed' pirates. This didn't go unnoticed. During the interval, the lead singer said:
'I could tell you some stories.....'
To which we replied:
'Tell us about the time you lived on a pirate ship. The pirate ship. Shiver me timbers. Arrrrgh.' at a high volume.
The poor bloke could only look on in pity at the giggling gaggle of drunk girls and say 'Yes, pirates.'

The first and last time I've heckled.

www.quireboys.com/

Sorry. Bit crap wasn't it?
(Squermily, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 21:49, Reply)

A comedian
Is ranting on stage about "Why don't parents just plan their kids birth to be on christmas day, and save money on presents? It never happens, I mean come on, who is born on christmas day?". My mate shouts out "Jesus!"
( HelloIamAdam and Adam is my name, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 21:41, Reply)

Two blokes diddling away on laptops
Supposedly techno or some shit at a free festival

Break in the music (One of about two)

I bellow "Counter Terrorists Win!"

To which my friends hit me.
(Slyph, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 21:33, Reply)

Schizo
Apparently there was once an incident where a well known comic came on stage and opened with the line "So, it turns out I'm schizophrenic..."

To which came the anonymous reply "Well then fuck off, both of you!".
(youthink, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 21:31, Reply)

Went to see a band called Thunder years ago...
except they were playing as "Danny and the Do-waps" or something, and doing covers of the Blues Brothers songs and similar stuff.

The lead singer shouted at one point "Any requests?" and I shouted "Gimme some Lovin'"

and he said "After the show mate"

*died of embarassment*
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 21:10, Reply)

Yet another...
I remember watching "Full Metal Jacket" with some friends. Right as the soldiers are graduating the boot camp, and marching past, there is an announcing voice, shouting propaganda to them. Something along the lines of:

"We are all together now, we will fight together as brothers."

At this precise moment, my friend Chris pipes up and shouts, in EXACTLY the same voice "Not in the blood sense, but in the way gay people use the word.."

Kinda made the entire rest of the film completely comedic from there on...
(Ant Marching And for my next trick... GWARGGHHGWWGGGH!, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 21:00, Reply)

I went to see a band called the Sandkings
many years ago in a local pub. They were really, really rubbish. The area in front of the stage was deserted. I moved a small table and chair in front of it, sat down and started doing the crossword. At the end of the song the singer asked me if I had any respect for them. I responded with the reply 'You sir, are a talentless cunt'. Turns out I saw him again a few years later, it was Jaz Mann the prick from Babylon Zoo. I still stand by my words.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 20:56, Reply)

Shit Bands
I find I do my best heckling when there's music involved. Specificially, utter shit music. A few weeks ago, while waiting for the Pogues to take the stage in New York City, a bloody terrible wannabe-punk group called the Towers of London took the stage with all the posing but none of the talent (and thinking of how little musical talent the original punks had, that's really saying something). I can truly say it was a sad display of spray-painted t-shirts all around. It was so suburban I was scanning the stage for minivans. Anyway, in between truly awful songs, I took it upon myself to holler:

"How's your cottage in Surrey this time of year, boys?"

The Brits in the audience appreciated it...
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 20:49, Reply)

Boo!
This QOTW is shit!
( Lightguy hail satan, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 20:45, Reply)

sheff, that's 'The Day After Tomorrow'
not Independence Day.

Independence Day was with aliens and Will Smith.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 20:22, Reply)

My mate Stan
Imagine Gordon Ramsey Cross bred with Brian Blessed. Stan worked as a chef in Blackpool, and during the season used to only get the odd day off. When he did get a day off, his employer would pay for some entertainment for him and his wife. the quality of some of this entertainment could be a bit random. One week the tickets just happened to be for Cannon and Ball. Now Stan was not that keen, but his wife said that they really shouldn't be unapreciative, so they went. Now Stan is a very large man with a very small Bladder, and made the mistake of having a couple of pints to make the evening tolerable. When he went in he found that unfortunately they had seats on the front row. Ten minutes into the act stan needs to empty his bladder, as he walked out, the one of Cannon and Ball who thinks he's funny went BADUM BADUM BADUM as stan left to go to the toilets. and he got the same treatment as he went back. this did not impress Stan. ten minutes later he had the same problem, and got the same treatment. On his third trip to the toilet, he got the same treatment on the way out,BADUM BADUM BADUM. so on the way back when he reached the middle of the stage he suddenly turned right onto the stage, grabbed the 'comedian' by both ears, and licked him from the tip of the nose, to the top of his head. then went back and sat down, having one stunned to silence comedian, and an Audience that was pissing themselves.

He got no more grief at all that night.
(ceebs, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 20:04, Reply)

a couple
Edit

A friend told me he'd been to the cinema to watch 'The Day After Tomorrow' in Leeds.

Picture the scene. It's the weather station. The three stern lipped englishmen are facing certain death - the power has failed and the generator has shut down, the new ice age is dawning.

The audience are gripped as, instead of blubbering in fear, the hardy british grab a bottle of whiskey and decide to toast dear ol' blighty before doom descends.

'To the Queen'. They all raise their glasses and drink.

'To Britain'. They all raise their glasses and drink.

'To Manchester United'. Cue audience member shouting at full volume 'Hurry up and die you scum cunts!'.

_____


Also I remember going to see Napalm Death in the very early 90s. After 15 minutes of blistering 15 second hardcore in the vein of the Scum period, the singer Lee announces that the next song is their best one.

Unknown crowd member: 'It's the only one, you just play it 60 times you ginger twat'
(sheff, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 20:02, Reply)

Manic Street Preacher
I was at a gig in London when I notice that my friend is standing next to James Dean Bradfield at the bar.

Since the Manics sold out big style after 'The Holy Bible' I stood next to my friend and said loudly 'everyone wonders what happened to Richie but look at him, I think he ate him!'

My friend realises what I've done and quickly drags me away.

No idea if he said anything back or heard but I like to think he cried a little at night before purging himself thin.
( HornO, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 19:47, Reply)

I once went to the cinema with some friends
to watch Terminator 2. At that time there was an advert playing which featured MC Hammer (I think it was for Pepsi cola or something). One line started off "Hey Hammer!" to which an audience member replied "You're shit!"

Chortle
( Hidden Mouse, Sleeping Kitten Gromada? Gromada!, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 19:46, Reply)

Went to see
"funny man" paul foot once. After about an hour of him seriously dying on his arse, someone at the front got up.
Paul Foot: "Where are you going?"
Bloke: "I thought I'd go for a piss before the comedian came on."
(benito vaselini no not that one, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 19:40, Reply)

Prejudice
When I was incredibly young and innocent, I went to a folk festival with my family. I went into one of the venues to see an act that I had seen before. However, the MC announced that the person I wanted to see would be on a bit later than scheduled, as the act before her had arrived late.

Cue a "comedy" act consisting of a woman in a wheelchair moaning about how horrible and inconsiderate able bodied people were.

Bearing in mind that this was a family event, and she came on shouting about festival condoms, about a quarter of the audience left within the first few minutes, including me.

I later heard from the doorman that the comedian - I forget her name, but she called herself the "wild woman on wheels" - did not get heckled at all. Instead, the whole audience gradually walked out, leaving her on stage without a clue that there was nobody there, carrying on with her act. I heard the next year that she refused to return, telling the organisers that they were prejudiced against disabled people. She honestly didn't realise how shit she really was.

pop
(Pretty strangers and promises, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 19:35, Reply)

And another one
We have comedy nights in one of our student bars. However, this means theres usually a bunch of idiots at the back who try and talk as loudly as is humanly possible just to annoy the comedygoers.

So, one comedian took it upon himself to get the entire crowd singing "Shut the Fuck up, you cunts" to the tune of happy birthday.

I've never seen so many silent people after that. Was bloody ace.
(Ant Marching And for my next trick... GWARGGHHGWWGGGH!, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 19:31, Reply)

Wrong band
Ryan Adams gig, all going fine until someone decided to shout out 'Summer of '69' (being a Brian Adams song)

Que him stopping the gig and getting the offending audience member kicked out, thought that was a bit harsh...

David
(442, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 19:28, Reply)

Liquid Heckle
RAF Lossiemouth late 1980s ... American in the officers mess pretending to be an engine with 3 RAF officers pretending to be other engines. You had to be there.

Anyway.

American chap getting well into this making engine noises at maximum volume when "aircraft" captain shouts "fire in number 4 engine" at which point everyone (and I mean everyone) pours their beer over him!

Yes, yes, length, girth...
(Seismologist Have patience. In time even grass becomes milk., Thu 6 Apr 2006, 19:20, Reply)

Girls Aloud
... once played at our summer ball.

It wasn't really a heckle as such, but half way through their act, a security guard came on stage and announced "If anything else is thrown on the stage, Girls Aloud will stop playing."

So, he was hit in the face with a shoe.

At least they lived up to their promise though.
(Ant Marching And for my next trick... GWARGGHHGWWGGGH!, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 19:06, Reply)

Double Bass
Jim Tarave, comedian from ITV sketch show, does he's act with a double bass. This managed to produce the legendary heckle of "Fuck me, it's a midget with a fiddle."
(i_am_man, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:58, Reply)