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This is a question Heckles

Forget the drunk bloke at the back yelling incoherent nonsense. Sometimes a well placed heckle can raise a mediocre act to a brilliant night out.
Tell us your best heckles and, if you are brave, the retorts that put you back in your place like the maggot you are.

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:13)
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This question is now closed.

Holidaying in Magaluf
and Pat Sharp of Fun House fame was DJing in a club. He had an hour or so break in between his set and i spotted the opportunity to speak to the mulleted marvel at the bar.
"I had a crush on the twins from Fun House", i said. "Yeah, well i fucked them both", his reply.

He didn't like it much when he returned to the decks, with each song being drowned out by about 40 people chanting, "Pat Sharp is a wanker, is a wanker, is a bloddy stupid wanker".
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:49, Reply)
The Tunnel Club
If audiences at the Tunnel Club didn't like the act - they just used to hum constantly until the stooge at the front did one.

Best heckle EVAR.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:45, Reply)
welcome to oxford, ignorant americans!
a few years back a band called swearing at motorcyclists came to play the cellar in oxford. at the end of the set (gone midnight because they'd gone down really well) the scraggily haired singer came to the microphone and said:
"thank you, oxford!!! you've been great tonight!!! you've been great! we played brighton last night and there were, like, twice as many people and they made, like, half as much noise... that means you guys are, like, twice as good!!!"
my natural (eversoslightly drunk) response to this was shouting:
"that's four times as good!!!"
i can't believe i corrected someone from a rock band on his mathematics... shame on me...
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:37, Reply)
You're Shit!
Not me, as I appreciate comedy, but this guy at a comedy night was put down with the following.

"Your Mum!"
"My mum? My mum's a lesbian. Which is lucky, as I think she'd like you. She likes cunts."
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:33, Reply)
at Glastonbury
Oasis comes on and bloke next to me shouts at the top of his voice 'Do park life!'
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:31, Reply)
Sort of reverse heckle
I was near the front at some comedy night, and being tall the compere was always going to pick me out.

Earlier on in the evening though, I'd been joking with my mates about the new office I was working in. The address was 212 Broadway, and I made the hilarious observation that I could honestly say "I work on Broadway."

So when the compere starts on me - "Nice shirt, what's your name?" etc. and asks "...where do you work?" - I honestly answered: "On Broadway!"


"I expect you think this all a bit shit then."
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:28, Reply)
pub gig
the bands just come on, so we think it'd be really funny to shout swearwords.

singer: do ya kiss your mother with that mouth
singer: orig...inal....

ha ownt.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:26, Reply)
Rocky Horror
I've been to see the Rocky Horror show a few times. Never worn the gear (and if you ever see me, you'll know that's a good thing).

One time, Micheal Cashman (used to play Colin in Eastenders back in the 80s) was narrating. Cue the following exchange

MC: "and Eddie got in with a bad crowd."
Random pissed up bloke in the audience: "Yeah, he hung around with actors."
MC: "Well, it could be worse, he could have hung around with you.".
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:21, Reply)
I was in a band called Axe, based in Bristol. We were playing up the road at the Weston Super-Mare Winter Gardens, with Status Quo and Chicken Shack. I was wearing a pair of bright orange loon pants, the fashion order of the day. Cotton flared trousers with an almighty huge flare, low waiste and just two large white buttons for the fly, so it shouldn't have really come as that much of a surprise when someone in the audience called up to me, "Oi mate, yer cock's hanging out", when it actually was, and quite clearly so. Inside I was crawling with embarrasment and just wanted to disappear but I clenched my teeth, shrugged my shoulders, did a sort of pelvic thrust and carried on playing. It was at this point, I think, where I lost my ability to be embarrased anymore. Funny thing is, just two days later my knob got another public viewing. We were staying at a Holiday Inn and the staff were all having their Christmas party that night and we got invited. All I remember is that someone mentioned that the bar was free all night. The next thing I remember is waking up naked encased in a cage made from stacking chairs and tables while the hotel guests were queuing for their breakfasts at the other end of the room. When the doctor came to see me in A&E, he asked me how I had sustained so many bruises and I had to explain how a stack of chairs had fallen on top of my naked body, in a hotel restaurant full of guests. Gerrroff!! OK I'm going.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:16, Reply)
You Fat Bastard!
I remember seeing Chubby Brown in Portsmouth one night and, as usual, attracting more than his fair share of hecklers.

The one killer Chubby retort I recall was "I hope the local sewage farm doesn't do a stock-take mate. They'll find a bucket of shit missing..."
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:12, Reply)
the worst public flogging in history
I went to a comedy club to meet my girlfriends parents. It was after a watching England loose to the welsh in the rugby, so I was quite pissed, late and in a bit of a lary mood. Anyway, tried to turn on the charm to the lady friends ‘rents, but think I came of looking like a bit of a prick. When the show started i realised that we were sitting right at the front, and I was wearing a pick t-shirt – the reasoning behind this decision escapes me. The comedian soon spots me slouching furtively in the front, looking sheepish in pink, and figures hes got a nice easy target on his hands. How right he was. He starts with the whole “oh nice pink t-shit honey, where you from?” To which I replied, honestly, “Brighton”. Suitably tee-d up, he starts with the whole “ooh ducky” routine, and feeling a full of false confidence and trying to impress my future in-laws, I say “Oh I’m from brighton, so I must be GAY? Is that it? That’s original mate, hilARIOUS.” Bad mistake. He then asks me who I’m here with. I reply “I’m with my girlfriend, actually” Worse mistake. He looks at the bemused, mid 40’s well dressed couple sitting with us, and says..”Oh sweet jesus, your not out with your girlfriends parents are you mate?”. I didn’t reply but the way my face collapsed and my girlfriends eyeballs burst gave the game away, and then my girlfriends dad, gawd bless him, says “yes, he is actually”. The fucker smiles like a rapist walking into a dorm full of sleeping convent girls, looks at me and says..
”so how many times you met the folks then chief?”
I had to be honest and say ”First time tonight…”pleadingly.
Comedian - “how long you been seeing this girl?”
Me - “About a year and a half”
Comedian - “and this is the first time you’ve met them? You did well avoiding them so long…why is that? Something to hide? Bit a wanker are you mate? (to the old man) “What do you reckon sir…is he a bit a wanker?”
Old man – “he seems ok”
Comedian – “so you don’t mind the fact that he’s going to take your daughter home tonight and fuck her from behind all night long then?”

Cue audience uproar and my anal prolapse. Spent the rest of the night varying between apologising, blushing, being consolidated by members of the audience and having a stream of comedians come up and say – “so you’re the wanker who’s fucking that blokes daughter..” hell. Just…hell. Never wear pink to a comedy night.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:09, Reply)
George Foreman
Last year I was at an open mike night at the comedy store in Manchester. Comics would come and go, and the crowd were merciless. If they made it to 3 minutes, it was a success so anyone who showed the slightest weakness was booed offstage. It was brutal.

One fella got up and after a couple of terrible gags began a joke about George Foreman. It was rambling and dull so I piped up, "Is the punchline I liked it so much, I put my name on it?"*

It raised a laugh.

The guy paused and shot me a look of total contempt before changing the subject and subsequently getting booed off.

My friends shouted at me for being beastly.
I still feel bad about it.

*Thanks Josie Long.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:06, Reply)
When I was about 9 I got dragged up on stage for the big singalong finale at the local theatre - the lead "actor" was none other than panto stalwart Gary Wilmot.

So there I am stood on stage with 4 other kids around my age, and I'm last in line to be spoken to. All the kids are asked the usual range of "hilarious" inappropriate questions like "what job do you do then" and "are you married".

He gets to me and asks me my name, and then JACKPOT - he asks me if I'm married.

I shuffle about uncomfortably and say in to the mic "she divorced me 2 weeks ago for my best friend"

Mr Wilmot totally lost his train of thought, and I got a "badum-TISH" from the drummer in the orchestra pit and a rousing laugh from the audience (more than the rest of the show in fact).
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:03, Reply)
Alexei Sayle
Alexei Sayle was the self confessed nemesis of the serial heckler.

I remember seeing a scene where a member of the audience complained that Alexei's act only consisted of spiteful remarks against minority groups.

Our Mr Sayle shot back with the classic "Well mate, I'd rather be up here shouting spite, than down there SPOUTING SHITE...."
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:03, Reply)
hey hey !
I once had a freckle on my bum that looked like.....


miss read the question

sorry !

Anyways...carry on people
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:01, Reply)
See the monkey
When I went to see King Kong some little 5 year old girl heckled all the way through. Right from the start (of the trailers, not even the start of the film) she kept shouting out "WHERE'S THE MONKEY???".

When the monkey finally did appear she shouted out "THE MONKEY DIES AT THE END!", completely ruining the film for everybody*. She then launched into a detailed explanation of how she wanted to see the film with her father.

*ok, everybody knew what would happen, but still...
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:58, Reply)
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs at Brixton
"Play something good!"

Harsh, but fair.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:52, Reply)
I went to....
...watch Hole in Manchester in the mid nineties on the tour after Kurt Cobain had off'd himself. During a quiet bit Courtney Love was trying to get the crowd to agree to burn all of their Pearl Jam and Soundgarden albums in exchange for her singing a cover of Penny Royal Tea. I chose this moment to tell her, in a very loud voice, to 'Fuck Off and dig Kurt up you talentless bitch'.

The silence was deadening.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:41, Reply)
Our Friends Electric
Crewe, circa 1991 /1992 approx
Gary Newman came to play the Victoria Oakley centre main sports hall - all sequenced electronica and flashing lights and basketball / badminton markings.

I was running the bottle bar at the back of the venue - that's right, bottles of Greenall's worst on a trellis table. The bar, the venue, the light show - the height of sophistication that Crewe could muster.

Gary was on stage, the place was quite full and it was fucking loud. He went into some classics and then Our Friends Electric started.

He got out the first line "There's a man outside......."

BANG - pewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww the entire building lost power - everything gone. The crowd cheered - the roadies started swearing, then they started swearing at the building staff - the entire hall's phase ring had blown.

Things started to quieten down from the initial roar of discontent and Gary with a megaphone spoke on stage about how the show would go on shortly

In the torch beam of one of the roadies, unknown hero holds his hand up and shouts;

"Do you want 50p for the meter Gary?"

There wasn't a dry sock in the house.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:40, Reply)
Woody Bop Muddy.
Came on stage - he was supporting Rob Newman.

I thought he was a roadie.

He said "well, hello everyone then. I'm Woody Bop Muddy!"

I shouted out "I didn't pay to see you"

And he walked off.

He came back on stage.

Everyone clapped. I suppose politely.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:39, Reply)
not strictly heckling.......
but I was at a horrorpops gig a while back, and someone threw a false leg on the stage. The band all burst into fits of giggles and had to start the song again, after the leg had been reattatched to its owner of course....
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:19, Reply)
Daniel Kitson
At the Nottingham Tsunami benefit gig some drunk idiot spent the majority of Kitson's compere inteludes shouting incomprehensible "sentences" at Kitson, pissing off the majority of the audience, until Kitson finally retaliates with "I don't see how we can have a conversation, I've yet to learn drunk twat"

He shut up after that

Kitson is still a cunt however.

And Jerry Sadowitz, although ugly, is famed for having a huge cock, being a great lover, and doing it up to 7 times a night.

So fucking him wouldn't be the worst option.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:18, Reply)
Call this a question of the week?

Go home and and have a good hard look at yourself. You are shit.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:16, Reply)
I believe
it was Lee Mack, who asked the crowd to guess what his career had been before he started doing stand up. The usual replies of milkman, accountant etc. until a lone voice shouts out "Comedian!" Mack stops the show, looks stunned and proceeds to give the guy credit for such a good heckle, that he really had no comeback, sharp wit and so on, all the while taking his shirt off and walking towards the back of the stage. He turns round to reveal the Tshirt he was wearing underneath, bearing the slogan 'one wanker always says comedian'

I also had a bash at heckling and he compared me to a member of Hanson - I think we came out of that about even to be honest.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:14, Reply)
Destroyed by comedians...
Went to some comedy club in Camden, Jonglers I think. Anyway, me and my mates all decided to stay out as late as possible to avoid us having to sit near the front. After about 15 minutes I looked at the ticket and realised they were already numbered. Oh crap we thought. I came up with the slightly drunkard brilliant decision that I would pretend I was a mong, purely so the comedians would not pick on us. Anyway, we get into the club and find we are sitting on the second row right bang in the middle. Prime location for the comedian to rip into us. 'Don't worry lads, if they say anything I will do the mong thing' said I. 'Definately do it Clivicus' said they. So, as soon as the comedians get started he asks me a question. 'Whats your name, you sitting all there in an awkward manner' said the comedian. 'My name is Clivicus' says I in my best mong voice. Comedian pauses, knowing that he probably cannot rip into me due to the fact it being un PC. I think to myself 'that showed him' and then proceed to turn my head to the right only to see my mates all laughing. I then turn my head back to the left thinking 'oh shit' to then await the onslaught of comments from the MC and the comedians.

Mind you I did alright and actually got one of the comedians to stop his act midway and just stand there, not knowing how to respond to my heckle.

Length and girth still the same as it was before
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:10, Reply)
nice little crowd
Jo Brand played a gig in dublin and as she gracefuly transported her massive bulk onto the stage she openened to a lovely calm crowd with . . .

"well you look like a nice little crowd"

some punter down back replies,

"so do you love!"

it got a laugh,
not like my knob coz shes a beauty

such a long lurk there....
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:06, Reply)
At a Funeral for a friend gig
the support band were the horrifically retard-metal Bullet for my valentine. Which obviously quite a few metalheads had gone to see:

as Ffaf walk on-

Metaltwat: Boo, bring Bullet back- I don't wanna see these gays

Me: Fuck off then.

*Metaltwat does so*

Then watching Nine black alps the bassist comes up with the best reply to a heckler ever.

Twat: Boo! Get a haircut!

Bassist: Why don't you get a haircut, you cunt.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:05, Reply)
I think I heard Mark Lamarr telling this one
about Jenny Eclair - she was doing a show in London, and every time she walked past, this guy in the front row would hiss, Mupltiple Miggs-style, "I can smell your cunt. I can smell your cunt." She was about to retaliate when she was struck by the paranoia that maybe he actually could...
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:03, Reply)
The pain!
My lovers heckles me to the bed every night as punishment for my frequent malapropisms.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:03, Reply)
as told by Mark Thomas
He told the story of a black comedian having to deal with a group of racist twunts.
One of them holds out a tenner and says "here's a tenner, you can put it towards fucking off back to where you came from"
The comedian grabs the tenner and says
"cheers- I'm from Lewisham- I can get a cab home now"
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:52, Reply)

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