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This is a question Heckles

Forget the drunk bloke at the back yelling incoherent nonsense. Sometimes a well placed heckle can raise a mediocre act to a brilliant night out.
Tell us your best heckles and, if you are brave, the retorts that put you back in your place like the maggot you are.

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:13)
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This question is now closed.

Anne Frank story...

No you didn't - you didn't even make it up, you copied it off a story told by George Burns among others.

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:51, Reply)
went to see a very bad comic who was dying. he thought he'd pick on the less intelligent and asked if anyone reads the sun newspaper. bloke at back answers, yeah, im reading it now, shhhhh.

very funny.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:49, Reply)
Jo from S Club has shouted at me...
Two S Club stories in one page? Madness!

I used to live in Soho and would often sit with my flat mate watching the world go by and also looking out for 'celebs'. Now when it was getting a bit nippy we would lower the big ol' sash windows and would prop them open with whatever was nearest, that day it was a round candle.

Predictibly the candle rolled off the window ledge down into the street below (Dean Street if your in the know). Now who should this rather large therefore heavy candle skim the face of? None other than Jo from S Club 7.

It was brilliant, my flatmate had dived out of the window to try and rescue it but alas we failed so as she looks up thinking 'What the f*ck?' there's us to leaning out the window in absolute hysterics...

She didn't take to this kindly and started shouting obsceneties at us... Now the surrounding area is looking at us as if we had actually just lobbed a wacking great big candle ON PURPOSE at Miss S Club's head... I felt truly awful but it was SO worth it.

Not strictly heckling but COPE.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:45, Reply)
Up The Creek
Yet another Hardee inspired episode, may he RIP.

Was down Up The Creek watching the warm up comics before the main guys comes out and the first victim on stage was awful, getting heckles left and right, and pretty much ignoring them all until some twunt (for that is my name) yells out:
"What. Do. You. Want?"

Exeunt comic.

It was alright in the end though, Malcom got his bollocks out again.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:38, Reply)
deeply wounding and fucking funny
Some try-outs are just doomed the moment they shuffle onto the stage- the only question is how long will an audience wait before sticking the knife in and twisting it.
There was one such self-deluding moonlighting accountant who told the direst jokes with absolutely no response at all from the audience, until one sinister voice calls out
"everybody hates you- you must know from school"
Cue breakdown.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:34, Reply)
And then it all kicked off
I've been playing in bands since I was 15. At one such gig, a bloke shouted 'does your mother know you're out? hurhurhur'

Our (enormous, psychopathic, ginger) bass player replied 'Does your mother know who your father is?'

And then it all kicked off....
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:28, Reply)
S Club
One of the ladies from S Club 7 came to my student union for freshers week, Jo someone.

It took about 1 minute of her on stage before people started chanting "We want Rachel! We want Rachel!"
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:28, Reply)
And one from my goth days
There used to be a gothy band in Nottingham called Faithful Dawn, and me and my friends were kind of into their lead singer SarahJane. Anyway, we bought the album and one of their songs was this tune called Neverwhere. The chorus ran something like:
"I'm going down to Neverwhere...
I don't know 'cause I've never been there before
I'm escaping you"

Now it occurred to us that there was something missing from this chorus, in that there was a gap between the first and second lines and the second line began with an apparent non-sequitur, so we decided to make our own fun. We'd be stood at the front and when they got to the chorus it usually ran something like:

"I'm going down to Neverwhere"
"Where is it?"
"I don't know 'cause I've never been there before
I'm escaping you
I'm going down to Neverwhere"
"Are there any good pubs there?"
"I don't know 'cause I've never been there before
I'm escaping you"

To their credit they were very tolerant of this sort of thing - I still have both CDs that they signed for us after the show and had quite a good chat with them at the 1998 Carnival of Souls.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:26, Reply)
Bruno Brooks
Out on the lash in Newbury, ended up in Chicago Rock, turns out that bruno brookes is doing a bit of DJ'ing that night. Being very pissed and from the anonimity of the dance floor, I yelled out "Your a wanker" inbetween tracks.

Wasnt big or clever but i got away with it.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:25, Reply)
I love heckling me
Got a few heckle stories ... here are the best ones.

1. Was at a comedy night in london, sat near the front so got picked on. Comedian asked where I was from, "Cheltenham" I replied, then he goes on and on about being posh etc etc. Anyway he moves on to talking about toilet paper, then whilst barking on about the quality of andrex, 1ply, 2ply etc etc he is looking directly at me then asks me "but what do you do when you stick your fingers through the paper when wiping yer arse?" - I calmly replied, "never happens, my bulter wipes my bottom for me!" - he was quite impressed.

2. was in canada on holiday, when to local bar for a comedy night. This short, dumpy american starts his act whining on about how he is diabetic, only got kidney etc etc. Of course, there's nothing more amusing than other peoples misfortunes so I'm finding this quite funny - much to his disgust. So he asks me why i'm taking the piss, again handed on a plate "i'm not taking the piss - your Dialysis machine does that for you" - baddum tissh!
Of course, laughing at my own joke i then shout - "ooops, there goes another kidney". Hecklers can be so cruel.

3. comedian is going on about beggars and charity collectors - brandishing them as bad. He then asks if anybody in the audience has recently given to charity, and if so which one. Someone shouts out "yeah - to the blind" - again couldn't resist shouting "I bet they didn't see a penny of it" - old one I know but it fits.

Apologies for length etc etc
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:25, Reply)
Earlier League of Gentlemen
Back in about 1981 we were Bowie, King Crimson, Eno, Robert Fripp fans. For those that don't know, Fripp had a band called 'The League of Gentlemen' that played 'Frippertronics', fancy guitar bits played into looped tape machines etc.

Anyway, we went to see them somewhere, might have been Dingwall's in Camden Town and they were OK, but not great, Fripp and three other musicians including a female bass player. In the pause between two songs, some drunk shouts out:
"Fripp, you're a f*cking c*unt!"
which he ignores and counts them into the next track. Four minutes or so later, song ends and Fripp causually says into the mike:
"Actually, I'm the prick, the c*nt is to my left" - cue the bassist looking very shocked and turning beetroot. Quick as a flash, heckler comes back with:
"I bet you were thinking that up all through the last song"
Fripp didn't rise this time, he knew when he was beaten.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:14, Reply)
I went to see the Wonder Stuff...
...or at least "Miles Hunt's new improved Wonder Stuff" at the Barfly in Camden. First song in, he forgot the words to On The Ropes - the words being, ironically, "Take these words and stick 'em in your head/Now roll 'em round until you can't forget what's said". Anyway, he mumbled his way through it. A few songs later, he was telling us about how thinking up between-song-banter is quite difficult and how he gets better at it as the tour goes on. (At this point someone had already shouted "Miles Cunt!" so I figured I was on safe ground) He was urging us to come and see them in London at the end of the tour because the banter would be better, so I shouted "Do you think you might remember the words by then?"

He turned really nasty, shouting: "That's my perogative, you stupid bastard! This next song's called Looking For A Fistfight and it's dedicated to you, potsmoker!"

Having been a Stuffies fan since about 1988, I was delighted to be insulted by the man himself - I was covering the gig for 6 Music and included it in my write-up with pride. They didn't use it though.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:12, Reply)
not sure it counts

group of us watching the trailers at the start in the cinema when one comes on for "phenomenon". at the end of the trailer the usual deep husky voice says "PHENOMENON" and before i can stop myself i sing

Ba ba-ba ba ba

just like the muppets :)

got a good laugh from pretty much the whole audience. i was proud :D

pure reflex reaction though, so not much wit involved
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:11, Reply)
Got thanked by the comedian
Was in vegas for a week a few years ago. Decided to go see a comedy show at one of the casino's. Anyway the audience ends up being filled with thick as pig shit people. I'm findng the the first comedian very funny, unfortunately most of the crowd are a bit too stupid for his jokes, (i even heard people complaining that they didnt understand). We're not talking political topical jokes here just general observational stuff.

Comedian makes a joke about guiness, cant remember the actual joke. 4 people laugh (over 100 in the crowd), me being one of them. The comedian then proceeds to thank the 4 of us for getting it.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:09, Reply)
my first and last heckle
Went to the comedy club in picadilly, the theme of the evening was a spot of improvisation comedy, which was all being judged by some poor plump member of the public who just happened to catch the compere's eye when he was looking for a sorry punter to stand up in front of us all and say "yea" or "nah" after each of the comedians told a themed gag.

Long story short, i disagreed with his 'yea' 'nah' call on one of the comedians and made a decision to stand up and (at a level I assumed would just merge in the ramelzee of background guffawing) i yelled
"what would you know you big fat cunt"

it was only when the compere came back on, and breaking the now deafening silence saying "ok lets calm down it's only comedy" i realised i had perhaps overstepped the mark.

oh by the way i'm not a big fat public school boy used to being needlessly overbearing and obnoxious.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:09, Reply)
Greg proops
Was doin a gig in the local theatre. About 30-40 mins in, everyone is crying with laughter.

All except one person who's been shouting out for the past few minutes. Cue messr proops saying something along the lines of "Shut up you sad lonely prick, go back home switch on your computer and masturbate into the small hours with that crusty old sock on your cock"

Cue several minutes of intense laughter.

That taught the twat.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:03, Reply)
Went to a theatre in the West End a few years ago...
..to see the opening night of a play of the life of Anne Frank, the famous Nazi-dodger.

The role of one of the head Germans was played by the bloke from 'Allo 'Allo who played the crap Policeman (Arthur Bostram, I think his name was). The temptation to shout 'Good Moaning' was almost too much to bear, but it was a very serious play.

Anyway, it was rubbish. Actors were forgetting their cues, the play was strewn with errors and cock-ups. During one such embarrasing moment, about 20 minutes into the play, one bloke from the audience shouts at the top of his voice :


Absolutely no comeback from the actors, theatre was in stitches!
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:50, Reply)
my Dad, at the cinema....
reckons he shouted "HES BEHIND YOU" during 'that scene' in Last Tango In Paris.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:50, Reply)
Jerry Sadowitz
No fancy banter or witty repartee with Jerry. I once saw him heckled by a woman in the front row, and he came back with the killer line "shut up or I'll fuck you"
She shut up.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:49, Reply)
A few of us went to a comedy club in Manchester in the early 90's
one of the acts was an appalling woman who came on dressed as a bridesmaid and was singularly unfunny for over half an hour. We decided to split up and head towards different parts of the club, on cue we all shouted "Get a grip woman, you're shit, get off the stage". Hearing this come from 5 different directions at once obviously had some effect as she started crying and scurried off the stage.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:47, Reply)
best heckle ever?
The legendary Tunnel club in Deptford, run by the sorely missed Malcolm Hardee.
This was about 20 years ago now. One of the acts was a mime artist- Les Bubb.
He was about 5 minutes into his act when a shout came from the back
"for fuck's sake tell a joke, I'm blind"
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:45, Reply)
The other side of York
Peter Kay in very middle class York. Some drunken knob was heckling him - he stopped mid-sentence, walked to the front of the stage and stared at the guy whilst in a very calm strong voice said:

"Mate, I've been doing the working men's circuit in Bolton for the last 10 years, you're nothing, now fuck off".

The bloke got him back though. Just before the mid-way interval he'd gone for a piss and the usher said he wouldn't let him back in the auditorium until the break. Peter Kay totally lost his stride when the bloke headbutted said usher, right next to the stage.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:44, Reply)
The Swans
One of the best heckles I heard of was at a gig for a very uncheerful band called the Swans.

She was right at the front and kept shouting in a very sing-song high pitched voice "Sing a happy song!"
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:43, Reply)
Basic Instinct....
years ago, went to see Basic Instinct at the cinema.
in one scene, (moments after they'd finished rutting), Sharon Stone asks Michael Douglas "how do you feel?"

"I FEEL F*CKING FUNKY" - boomed the huge Rasta sat behind us, causing me to drop my bucket of popcorn.

the moment was forgotten later on in the film when Sharon Stone uncrossed her legs and we all got a nifty glimpse of her dogs mouth.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:43, Reply)
Annoying twats...
Was at a comedy night at local theatre a couple of months ago, was going well, good humoured banter between us and the MC and first act, till towards the end of the first act and the interval.

Then a voice shouts out from the back (can't remember quite what), the comic takes it in good humour, as you do. But the twat will not shut up, and annoying comments keep coming for 5 or so minutes, then the comic - who by now is quite pissed off - finishes of his act, and it had gone well apart for the twat.

The MC comes out again to do a bit of MC-ing, and the twat starts up again. Obviously the MC had been expecting this or was more experienced with dealing with twats. So he casually starts taking the piss out of him, much to our amusement and the guy carries on - I expect he didn't realise what was going on. At the end the MC finally snaps (sort of) and challenges this bloke, he has the break to come up with something decent, and if it gets a laugh he'll buy the twat a pint. Fair enough.

After the break I'm back in my seat a bit early - no money for the bar, and I think I've guessed who the guy is. The theatre fills up, and in come the guys I thought it was coming from. Except one is missing - he'd obviously legged in the break.

MC come out, news gets out, he makes a joke about not having to buy a pint, and we get on with a brilliant night of laughs. Which that twat missed.

Serves the twat right, if you ain't funny, don't heckle - unless you're really, really pissed or know the bouncers so they won't hurt you.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:37, Reply)
Roasted Chicken
Not really a heckle but I once saw the lead singer of a somewhat unpopular band get hit in the face by half a roasted Chicken.

I still can’t figure how it was smuggled it into the venue.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:33, Reply)
Went to see Rammstein....
They were being supported by apocalyptica (They play heavy metal on cellos for those who haven't heard of them).

Anyway, middle of their set, cue the usual remarks by someone who only wants to see the main band and couldn't give a fuck about the support act.

But.. the bands retort was amazing...

They played "For whom the bell tolls" better than i've ever heard metallica do it, and followed it with "One".

I've never seen a crowds attitude change so quickly as when a cello player starts hammering out a 'guitar' solo with the cello over the back of his shoulders!!!

Absolutely fantastisch!!
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:24, Reply)
drunk old irish bint
at a comedy club gig in Enfield and Lee Mack was on stage having to put up with her randomn heckles after he'd told one too many Irish jokes. she kept on and on shoutin and to his credit he shot her down repeatedly, a fine example being

'its alright love, you're in the right place but the meat raffle's NEXT tuesday'
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:22, Reply)
not a heckle per-se but my mate stunned a comedian once
was at some comedy club in london a year or two back for a mates birthday, he'd imbibed a large amount of the party juice and was about as sure-footed as a one-legged mountain goat in an avalanche.

just before the start of one of the acts he gets up to go and grab a couple of pints, the comedian starts up and is getting into the flow of things when my mate returns pint in each hand and starts shuffling along our row (and this is important to note: the rows were crooked and halfway down they made a 30 degree angle to go down the side of the stage and at this point there is a small step) my friend not realising there was a step trips over it, he shouts "oh fuck" and then down he goes like a sack of the proverbial, outstretching his arms in an attempt to break his fall, however he's still clutching his two pints so as he falls he slams the two pints perfectly flat on the ground, the glasses remain intact but the resultant force causes all the beer inside to be ejected straight up into the air causing two 6 foot beer fountains that rained down on everyone in a 2 row vicinity.

the comedian having heard my mates shout must have turned just in time to see the beer shoot up in the air from behind some seats and was so puzzled he actually stopped talking and just stared for abut 10 seconds with a confused look on his face and forgot totally what he was saying.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:17, Reply)
for this QOTW
It'd be amusing if we accused each other of not being funny. Or at least it would if we didn't do that every week.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:12, Reply)

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