Rike Bage
My last incarnation was a keen cyclist (not me though, dunno why... just dont fancy it). I was also a sweary fellow back then (now I am all nice as you know! Sweeties XXX!)

A few months ago he - I was out cycling around the town, and stopped at a red light, as you should.

The young gentleman in the bright red car (sorry don't know the make, but perhaps it was a Honda Accord) wound down his window and said:

'You should wear a helmet.' (I never wore a helmet - the daredevil!)

Quick as a flash I responded:

'Yeah, like I wear a condom when I fuck your Mum.'

I then zoomed off as the lights had changed.

There you go, sweeties! An actually funny and true story - AS USUAL!

Laters!

XXXXXXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sat 14 Jun 2014, 18:28, 11 replies)

I don't know if this really counts but....
A few years ago I went to support a mate that owns a bar, he had decided to start having comedy nights midweek, with real actual acts.

The guy hosting the event and doing a bit himself in between acts was Johnny Vegas. The acts themselves were actually quite good some even went on to have TV shows (The Ginge' The Geordie and the Geek).

Anyway i was there with a few friends sat on high bar stools around a table enjoying the comedy,well I was pretending to I had been drawn into a rather hot and steamy text conversation with a girl I had just started seeing, she was fucking filthy (no really she rarely washed).

At the end of one act as Johnny took to the stage wireless mic in hand he asked the audience if we had all enjoyed the act, we cheered and then he says "everyone apart from one filthy fucker was paying attention" he then left the stage and made a beeline for me, took my phone from the table and demanded I show him what was so important, me being a super mong actually showed him the messages, the next 5 minutes of my life were some of the most uncomfortable I have ever experienced. He took me up on to the stage and then had me read out to the bar my messages as he then affected a girly voice and read out the responses I had been receiving.

It was shameful. I mean this girl did anal and some other stuff I won't go into.

Tl;dr Johnny Vegas is an uber cunt
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 14 Jun 2014, 17:44, 13 replies)

Meatloaf didn't do that...
I went to see Meatloaf at the NEC many many years ago, this was at the time 'I Would Do Anything' was his current chart 'hit'. When he was about to start, somebody shouted out, referring to his female co singer , "I bet you've fucked her!!". Apparantly the cosinger on that tour was his daugter - or another close relative (not sure of facts, but thats never stopped me) and he went apeshit and had to be restrained from leaving the stage and seeking out the heckler....
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Sat 14 Jun 2014, 17:31, 6 replies)

at a doll by doll gig
some oafs tried to heckle jackie leven

it was at the action space, which had a fairly low stage, they'd put their beer glasses on the edge

he sauntered over to them, still playing, kicked their beer all over them, then stared them out until they went away

he never missed a note

great days
( empire of the pussycat requires more champage, Sat 14 Jun 2014, 9:46, Reply)

there was a comic on stage and this bloke in the front row had a thing and the comic mocked the thing and the bloke said a swear and then the comic said a bigger swear involving the bloke's mum and everybody enjoyed a moment of community in bullying
the bloke and his thing and his mum but you probably had to be there ahahahaha
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 14 Jun 2014, 9:19, 14 replies)

Dominic Holland
Being corporately ambitious but of low means, the company I work for decided one year to treat us all to a professional speaker for our annual event. They booked Dominic Holland. Dominic Holland related anecdotes and humorous observations for 25 minutes to an entirely silent audience. Eventually he flew into a rage and shouted "you lot are a laugh, aren't you?". To which a middle aged lady towards the back replied crossly "well I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're not".

Dominic Holland walked off shaking his head, apparently incensed at the stupidity of the several hundred people that didn't find him funny. A worried-looking managing director jogged on to the stage like David Brent, and wondered how to full the remaining time, but the world's politest heckler saved the say by taking the stage and performing "Minnie the Moocher". She brought the house down.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Sat 14 Jun 2014, 7:48, 6 replies)

That German who does comedy on 8 out of 10 cats does Countdown, he said doing a gig in Bolton he had the
best heckle ever. "Fuck off back to -"
















LONDON
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sat 14 Jun 2014, 7:47, 1 reply)

Many years ago there was a Sunday night nightclub based in Whalley, Lancashire. The club was for
players of the pink oboe and was open till 6am Monday morning, the name Monroe's. This place often had some sort of WMC style turn, who appeared at about 1am. Now I was there with the only person from the Indian sub-continent and we were stood at the front of the dance floor when the turn started his act, a comedy routine in the style of Bernard Manning. Poofter jokes, racist jokes about the JB's and then he started on the PAKIS! No heckle, just a punch to the FUCKING HEAD and then a melee and the comedian escorted from the premises by the bouncers. LOLS
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sat 14 Jun 2014, 7:45, 4 replies)

Glasto '98
While waiting for Bill bailey to come on, comedy tent full of mud and god knows what, a guy was doing some poor routine and some twat walked right down the middle of the crowd and emptied a full cup of 'mud' over the head of this poor chap. You could see the life drain from him and he asked the audience to come on and tell jokes. They did, even the shit ones got more laughs. Felt bad for the guy. Still, Bill was good.
Tough crowd.
( --- ---, Sat 14 Jun 2014, 3:32, 2 replies)

SHITCLOWN
Shitclown. Shitclown.

Wake. Shock. Mirror. Is that me. That is me. Shitclown. Shitclown. Grab bottle. Drink. Drink gulp swallow gulp gasp surging bliss relief. Pain. Pain below. Deep sharp in guts. Again. This again. Run. Run to toilet. Sit and shit. Diarrhoea everywhere. Splashing the walls. Bare feet wet. Shit, Shitclown, SHIT! All you can do now. Shitclown. Shitclown.

You can't even cry anymore. Shitclown.

Big top. Empty. Dark. A cavernous space. Stand, Shitclown, and remember. Remember the laughter. Remember the laughter and applause that came after. Now? Now? NOW?! NOW?

Nothing now. Nothing. Drink. Shit. Drink. Shit. Shitclown. Drink. Shit.

Die. PLEASE soon. PLEASE soon. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE soon. Oh please.

But and suddenly but but there... here... *she* is. Sparkling spangles glitter, silver tiara princess, alabaster unicorn. Above you she rides, Shitclown. So high above. Does she see you?

No. Once, she glanced at you, then looked away. It was enough. Enough to make you love.

Now? Nothing now.

Back to the van. Smell of shit. But plenty bottles. So drink. Drink Shitclown drink.

Cos you are shit, Shitclown. Shit. And soon you will be dead.

SHITCLOWN. SHITCLOWN.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 19:52, 12 replies)

http://youtu.be/AlgjgbtIxIM

(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 19:04, 4 replies)

Playing a game of pool after work.
We'd all gone to the pub on a Friday evening and decided we would have a pool tournament of some kind.
My pool Playing was patchy, depending upon how drunk I happened to be and luck. I had been playing a colleague for a good while when he managed to sink a few balls in succession.
"Jesus Christ!" I shouted
"What the fuck does he have to do with anything?" My opponent shouted back.
"He was a fucking cunt too!" Was my reply.
Repost, sorry.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 18:58, 2 replies)

Needless to say, I had the last laugh
Many moons ago, me and two mates had entered a Sports quiz at a local welfare type place. After the quiz a local "comedian" was promised. He came on, and was shite. As part of his act, he had a stuffed toy parrot on a stick. Halfway through, he passed said parrot-on-a-stick to a bloke in the audience - who then had the audience in stitches as the "parrot" duly heckled the comedian who blustered without much success through the remainder of his act.

The name of the comedian stuck in me and my mates' heads forever - John Willy Brown. To our amazement, he turned up on ITV's re-launched New Faces in the late 1980s - where he was crap and was mercilessly told so by Nina Myskow.

The guy did have one moment of inspiration though. After twenty minutes me and my mates decided we'd had enough and got up to leave. JWB said "Are you going? Did you lose the quiz?"

I said something like "Not as much as you've lost this audience," but armed with the mike JWB said "I'm thinking of going as well before the crowd turn ugly." He then pointed at me and said "Too late!"

Granted, I am not the best looking bloke in the world, but ugly? Well ... perhaps. I only heard of JWB once more in my lifetime ... until just before I wrote this message and googled him. He died last year!

www.nottinghampost.com/Singer-John-Willy-Brown-dies-71/story-19797222-detail/story.html

I am still alive and plan to be for many more years, so needless to say, I had the last laugh.
(jrd, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 18:48, 1 reply)

Mis - Heckle
Why. only last night I was at the Pub on karaoke night. There was some girl singing her heart out, the song suddenly finished and we heard. "ITS A WOMBLE, ITS A WOMBLE ! ! !" yelled out to the silent pub.
Cue hoots of laughter and the guy saying "Oh fuck, sorry everybody, it all went quiet". It turned out he and his friend were playing one of those quiz machines.
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 18:23, 2 replies)

Show us your pianist
Rather like the Chubby Brown tale from earlier...

In the late 70s, while at college, I worked part-time as a drinks waiter in one of the last cabaret clubs on the circuit - chicken in a basket, full floor show, bit of dancing etc.

There was a support act on one week called Mike Terry, Liberace-type pianist, looked a bit like Mike Flowers Pops if I remember right. As camp as tits, in a working-class Manchester suburb not really known for its tolerance.

He did a week there and was quite popular, except for the last night where he got constantly heckled by some drunk at the back. He put up with it, but you could see he wasn't that happy.

As he finished, he did the customary round of thanks - management, staff, audience. The last thing he said before he went off was:

'As for you' (nodding towards the heckler at the back), if your cock's as big as your mouth is, I'll see you in the gents afterwards.'

For a second you could have heard a pin drop. Then someone laughed and the place fell apart. Could have gone either way, though.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:43, 5 replies)

Blue Comedian
apologies - I have paraphrased something I've posted before, but it fits here I think.

A few years ago I was in the quarter final of a new stand up comic competition. It being only one round after the entry heats it was still an enjoyable mix of experienced acts looking to win an award and enthusiastic but largely crap try outs such as myself.

On before me was a portly chap who fell under the latter. I'd seen him in the first round, his act was a younger Roy Chubby Brown type, telling rude jokes about vaginas and the like

Sporting a bright blue double breasted suit jacket, he ran on stage, confidently grabbed the mic and pointed to the garment shouting "I'm wearing this tonight ladies and gentlemen, to give you all a clue what my act's about".

He waited expectantly for at least one audience member to shout back "is it blue?".

One bloke at the back of the pub called back loudly "Is it about Jackets?!"

The whole room erupted into roars of laughter and he never regained his composure for the whole act and had to walk off after 3minutes
(CharlieSomethingElse, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:34, 4 replies)

A rather naive friend of mine...
Years back, a few of us went to Lee Hurst's comedy club, and it was the first time my friends younger brother came out with us. He was a young for his age 18.
We were sat at the front, and Hurst picked on us for audience participation. Didn't get much mileage out of the first couple, but then discovered Neil.
He asked his name, then how old he was.
"18 and a half"
"Do you have a girlfirend?"
"Uh, I'm alright thanks"
At that point, Hurst realised he had a gold mine. After ten minutes of just asking questions, he gave up, doubled up with laughter saying "I can't even take the piss out of you, you're doing such a good job of it yourself"


Hmm, you probably had to be there
(clinteastwoodbradfield, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:33, 4 replies)

Heckling Jesus
One mid 90s Glastonbury I was wandering around the stalls near the big crossroady-type path when I noticed a small commotion approaching from the rear. Commotions are always worth having a look at there, so I stood among the onlookers to get a better view as it passed.

The commotion turned out to be some born-again group re-enacting (or so I've always assumed) the Stations Of The Cross around the site. A dozen or so outriders, swinging incense baskets, surrounded a suitably loinclothed and thorny-crowned Jesus who was dragging a very solid-looking wooden cross, straining with what must have been considerable effort (it looked like solid oak beams, none of your shit B&Q pine here, thank you).

I can't say I thought it particularly realistic, but they'd obviously put preparation and effort into it (and Jesus certainly seemed to be putting his back into it) so despite my disapproval of all things religious, I had to admit it seemed quite impressive.

Until, that is, a broad Welsh voice directly in front of me said loudly - 'Cheatin' bastard - he's gorra fuckin' wheel on the end!' And indeed, when I craned my neck over his shoulder to have a look, there was a metal bracket screwed onto the base of the cross to which was attached a small pram wheel.

Now I know the cross would have been heavy (it was solid oak, after all) but the sight of Jesus dragging his own instrument of death as sponsored by Mothercare was risible to say the least. The crowd must have agreed - their whole tone suddenly changed, from one of relatively neutral appreciation/interest to outright hostility.

My last memory, before I left the increasing shouts of 'Cheat' and wandered off for another spliff, was of Jesus' eyes flicking from side to side in no small degree of panic, no doubt wondering if his experience of the Crucifixion would become a bit too real for his liking.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:50, 11 replies)

... fuck off, you red-nosed wanker!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:35, 12 replies)

My mate and I were verbally sparring, and were commanding something of an audience in a quiet little Somerset boozer.
He said something, and I nailed him - absolutely fucking nailed him to the fucking floor, and our friends gathered 'round laughed heartily at my wit, until he came back with, as the laughter died down:

"Well ... I FUCKED YOUR MUM!"

It was the absolutely perfect response - perfectly timed, and perfectly lame in contrast with the level at which we'd been operating.

Everyone - including me - fell about laughing - I know it's "You had to be there" territory, but that's the point - this was over 20 fucking years ago, and it was mentioned to me recently by one of the audience members.

And can anyone remember what my amazing insult was - the one that had nailed him to the floor?

Can they fuck.

Not even me.

The one time in my life I've actually ever been funny - gone in the blink of an eye.

Fuck you - it's Friday and I'm about to go to the pub.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:11, 3 replies)

The b3ta mods are doing an EXCELLENT job here.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 14:05, 16 replies)

Many years ago in the Red Rose Tavern
There were six acts on the Bill, mostly obscure but the final one was Al ‘Pub Landlord’ Murray. There was also a compere and a drunk Scotsman who heckled loudly and obnoxiously throughout the entire intro and first act. Mercifully, he fell into a stupor at some point in the second act so that when the compere (who had had the worst of the abuse) came back on stage to introduce the third act there was a perfect opportunity for revenge.

The compere told the third act to get off and instead brought Al Murray on stage. He then told the crowd that on the count of three the house lights would go up, everyone would cheer and he would say “You’ve been a fantastic audience, that was Al Murray, thank you and good night”. Thus giving the drunk bastard the impression that he had slept through the entire gig. Anyway, it worked like a charm. The lights went up, everyone went crazy and the heckler woke up, grabbed his coat and staggered off into the night. I like to think he got all the way home before wondering why the gig had finished so early.

Later on in the same evening, Al Murray was himself heckled by a daft American bint who seemed to think he really was the pub landlord and couldn’t understand why everyone was laughing at his xenophobic remarks. Lacking all self-awareness and clearly thinking everyone wanted to hear her as much as him, she kept on interrupting until he came back with:

“Listen, love, the difference between you and me is that I know what I’m going to say next”

In the silence that followed, the truth of this remark was made abundantly clear.
( MacCruiskeen, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 14:00, 2 replies)

Skiing
Sometimes you spontaneously hit the spot and it works way better than you ever expected.

I was skiing with my cousin and her dickhead friends who were being dickheads and generally annoying doing stupid stuff putting themselves and other skiers at risk. They were also trying to get me to join in, badgering me all day until,

Dude, "What's the matter? Haven't you got any hair on your balls?"

Me, "Nah, I shaved them off because they made your Gran's throat itch"

Dude, ..... (looks at me in stunned silence)

Me, "What?"

Dude, "That's f**n' sick man...." (lost for words and mercifully silent thereafter)
(xixax, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 13:12, 1 reply)

At a Rangers match a few years ago. The Rangers fans started singing "There's only 2 Andy Gorams". It had been in the newspaper that morning that he had been diagnosed as a schizophrenic.
(chovnik, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 12:38, 4 replies)

Stewart Lee at Glastonbury
had his set interrupted by a heavily tattooed and refreshed Jesus, complete with crown of thorns and dragging a cross. He got up on stage and shouted at the crowd that they needed to pay attention at school and pass their exams otherwise they might end up like him. Then he mooned everyone, to which Lee could only say: "Go on then, Jesus, show them your cock."
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 12:30, 3 replies)

I was at camp bestival a couple of years ago and visited the comedy tent
The comedian was telling jokes that sort of left a pause, then he would hit you with the punchline. he wasnt receiving many laughs and wasnt that funny. After about 5 minutes into his act, a young boy of about 9 or 10 started standing up during the pause the comdian left, shouting out the punchline and then sitting back down again, much to everybodys amusement. It turns out he had watched the same comedian the evening before and remembered a lot of the jokes. The comedian had no control over the situation and began to get embarrassed and slightly angry. In the end, he'd had enough and said something along the lines of "If you can do this better than me then be my guest", at which point the kid got up, and pulled from his pocket a joke book. The crowd was in stitches as the boy told joke after joke from his book, while the comedian quietly shuffled off the stage.
I couldn't believe that I had seen a fully grown man heckled off stage by a ten year old child. What a low point of the poor chaps career...Bloody hilarious though.
( Glovington, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 12:20, 6 replies)

I also saw Chubby Brown live a couple of times many years ago
He delivered a number of good responses to hecklers but I recall two that i especially enjoyed.

First one was at the start of the show, he went to launch into his routine after his entrance and as he started talking a women screamed out 'Chuuuuuuuuuuuubbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbyyyyyyyyyyy'. Chubby paused, smiled and nodded and went to start again. The women then yelled out a massive whooooop. Again Chubby paused, nodded and went to start his routine. Again this women let out a loud holler. This time Chubby looked straight at her and said 'Love, I hope your fanny isn't as big as your mouth or you'll never get a fuck'.

Second time was some bloke in the front who just kept yelling 'youre shit' and 'rubbish' etc while Chubby was talking. Chubby let it go for a while and then stopped and said to the heckler...'Oi mate, if you were so fucking important all the seats would be facing you'.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 11:33, 1 reply)