I probably shouldn't tell you this, but.....
I'm a good boy. Rarely do I stray to the other side of the force. I'm the one who fends off drunk ladies to spare their blushes in the morning. I'm the idiot who hands in found wallets to the police, who defends drunken mates when they probably deserve a kicking. I'm the one none of my mates mind being alone with their girlfriends. Despite the minor infatuation I mentioned earlier, I managed 11 years of unflinching monogamy. In short, I am quite a moral person, and proud of it.

God knows, when I slip, I slip big time.

I know I've mentioned before about how I was married and ended up a mess when it all fell through. I'm also pretty sure I mentioned that the ex went a bit loopy, claiming I'd been all kinds of abusive, Joseph Fritzl had nothing on me according to her at that time, while I was left dazed, confused as to why she was doing this, and eventually raging with anger. With time, I grew to understand why she'd done what she did, but I never spoke to her again. Until recently.

I watched her move on. She remarried the guy she left me for. They had a child. I tried to put it out of my mind and make my own life and I was managing too. Then I met her in a pub.

I tried ignoring her, but she persisted trying to speak to me until a combination of drink and anger overwhelmed common sense. I had it out with her about what she'd said and she denied everything, but for some reason hearing it from her lips, in front of my friends and hers, that I hadn't hit her or done any of the things I KNEW she'd said, made it all seem better. We got talking after that and, despite worried glances from my friends, we ended up at a party, where she set about trying to get me alone.

You can see where it's going.

I tried. I really, really did. When she asked to kiss me I said no. When she tried to kiss me I turned my head. When she tried to drag me into the bathroom I pulled my hand away. I tried to stay in company but she asked everyone to leave us alone. I tried everything until those blue eyes that I'd loved for half my life finally broke down my defences.

I walked her home later, back to him. She turned up at my door a few months later but I wasn't in, so she searched til she found me. My defences went down a lot quicker the second time. The "L" word was used. We talked. A lot. Really talked, like we never had when we were married, about why we'd split, how we felt. I walked her back to him again. She told me she'd always love me and despite myself, I said it too. Idiot, I know.

Nothings happened since. Hopefully, nothing's going to. Why am I going to hell? I'm going to hell because despite everything she did, despite all the pain and the trouble it would cause if people knew, I'm not sorry it happened. And I know that if she turned up again tomorrow, I wouldn't even put up a fight.

Once again b3ta has been good enough to let me spew a deeply held secret onto it's comfortingly anonymous pages, and I feel better for it. I would apologise for length but for me, this one's quite modest, must be the cold weather.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 2:30, 8 replies)

St Paul's Cathedral.
Trying to do something nice & christmassy so dropped into the 5pm mass with two friends as we were local. Religious ecstasy soon gave way to boredom as friend 1 began airing his policies on just why Christianity is so hypocritical & redundant in today's society, & friend two was diligently reviewing the 'talent' in the choir line-up & I was dreaming up some very inappropriate comedy sketches featuring a magic show & religious relics; this last fact had me so delighted that I forgot all about the service going on, and in a voice much louder than an acceptable reverent whisper, I pulled an imaginary item from behind friend 2's ear with relish and said 'TAA-DAA! JESUS' FORESKIN!'

We left pretty sharpish after that.
(godbox 3rd best prostitute in London, after mum & sis, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 2:14, Reply)

all for a shag
Me - 37 year old solicitor. Her - 22 year old legal executive. We have a few drinks after work, she says "we need to go to the church" down the road. Im thinking "i dont fancy getting upto something so close to work" and distract her enough with more wine...anyway, putting her clothes back on at my place after a shag, she tells me she is married and a pentacostal christian.

The morning after at work I get an email from her "you and i are both going to hell for what we did"...and she took 3 days off work to pray.

(I prayed for another shag, she looked like a cross between Gillian Anderson and the bird off Casino Royale)
(sarcasminasuit, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 1:31, 3 replies)

Pearoast:
My 7 year old freaked out the Witnesses once...
She had a pet snake (rosy boa, quite small and harmless) named Syrup. We bought her in winter and as it is amazingly cold in Michigan then she moved like well, molasses in January. Syrup loved to curl around your neck, slide through your warm hair and perch on the top of your ear, looking out at the world. Emma was wearing Syrup in such a manner when the doorbell rang. She opened the door to two of the most horrified looks I've seen in a long time. The lead Witness gaped and stammered at the devil-child, "D-d-do you k-know the Word of the L-lord?'


I couldn't resist. I came up behind her, put my hand on her head with a suitably theatric gesture, made psycho-eyes and hissed, "GET OUT!"



They didn't run. I give them credit for bravery but they did walk very quickly down the driveway.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 0:57, 3 replies)

I'll see you all there
I am a naughty man.
I was recently working in America on a camp for kids with special needs. Nothing too serious, just ADHD and behaviour stuff. But this camp was also a Jewish camp, run by a Jewish couple, and it kept to all the Jewish traditions.

On our first day of camp, we were setting up the bunk rules that the kids had to abide by.

When we came to the policy of showering, and myself coming from a country in severe drought, I wanted the kids to have quick showers. So I came out with this gem
.....

"I am going to be the absolute shower Nazi. If you have a long shower, I will be onto you."

I repeated the phrase about 3 times before I saw the stunned faces of the kids and my co-counsilours pissing themselves laughing.


One of the kids then said "My grandparents were in the Holocaust"

I also walked out of the Sistine Chapel and said 'That place is fucking awesome!!!"
(Tinbum is having a merry old time, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 0:28, 5 replies)

I declared my denial of the holy spirit
and posted a youtube comment to that effect as part of the blasphemy challenge.

I don't always agree with the ways others have chosen to do the same but the basic concept is that this is the one truly unforgivable sin you can commit, it's a one way ticket to hell with no chance of absolution

...should you believe it exists.
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 0:07, Reply)

Plumming the depths
Mention of the Lord's Prayer in this week's question reminded me of something I do on a regular basis.

I sing in the choir at a cathedral in the north of England (perhaps I should be no more specific than that...), mainly because I enjoy singing and find the extra cash useful rather than being due to a strong religious conviction. For the last 2-3 years however, I and a colleague have adapted our own very special version of the Lord's Prayer. Neither of us can remember how it started (I've a feeling some priest may have mentioned plums in a sermon), but now every Sunday morning, without fail, we offer the following version:

Our father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom plum,
Thy will be plum,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily plums,
And forgive plums their trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against plums.
And lead plums not into temptation,
But deliver plums from evil.
For thine is the king plum, the power and the glory, for ever and ever.
Plum jam.

The colleague doesn't even stand adjacent to me, ensuring that it has to be loud enough for others to hear. I'm certain it'll earn us both a one-way ticket to Hull, which would be a shame, as there's no cathedral there...
(Armour Dillow, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 23:47, 2 replies)

Christmas
I'm sure that my behaviour on many Christmases will ensure me a place close to the eternal fire.

Let's just get this clear, I am not a Christian and I really want to opt out of this "holiday". Bastard, nasty, tinsel, plastic scented time of year of crap presents.
(lympicita_ie, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 23:44, 1 reply)

I must be going to Hell...
because whenever I stay in a hotel, I tipp-ex out the inevitable 'All the best, love Jesus' messages in the courtesy Bible.

Just think of all the B3tans I've scuppered!
(Ellinikos contains a source of phenylalanine, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 22:34, 1 reply)

Hotel bible malarky
I can't remember the circumstances of it starting but for the last 20 years or so whenever I stay in a hotel I 'autograph' the courtesy Gideons bible with "All the best, Jesus"
(Crocodile, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 22:25, 1 reply)

Stephen Lynch
I'm going straight to hell for loving the songs of Stephen Lynch. I know they're wrong. I know that I shouldn't laugh at them, but I just can't help it Goddamn it!

uk.youtube.com/watch?v=3IFUNIa2NU8

uk.youtube.com/watch?v=IKZJM737Zl0&feature=related
(Kezmo, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 22:05, 6 replies)

You ever seen that poster...
...Where it's designed to make drivers reduce their speed limit. It has a picture of a child being hit by a speeding car.
And the slogan on said poster is

"Driver in a hurry, Child in a coma."

Well, i have this uncontrolable part of my brain which carries things on into absurdity. It's the part which makes me carry a joke on until I've disgusted everyone in direct vicinity.

Well, this part of my brain kicked in and i couldn't help but add
"Monkey in a tree."
To the end of the slogan (in my head of course...not out loud (a fact which probably made the outcome worse.))

I start to giggle...Which turns into uncontrolable laughter.

All the time, all people can see is me standing looking at a picture of a child being hit by a car...laughing!!

And the worst part is, I couldn't exactly explain the reason to anyone...because it's so stupid noone would believe me.

In the eyes of all who walked past haymarket in Newcastle Upon Tyne that day...I'm going to hell!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 21:50, 3 replies)

Late Night Christmas Shopping last Thursday
A group of co-workers went into the new Drakes Circus Shopping Centre from work last thursday.

coming out of spud-u-like we started down the escalators hearing christmas carols, we just assumed that is was piped into the building, but low and behold, when we got to the ground floor there was a group of carol singers and on the other side of the Mall a group of carol signers...

Watching this Caroling faceoff was the most hilarious thing I have ever ever seen..
(TIMBIonline available for any passing drunk sailor, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 21:45, Reply)

"Fetishes and fantasies" fancy dress party


That's an Absolut bottle.

I should also add that when one guy's (very christian) parents came to take him home due to him throwing up pure wine, this is how I answered the door.
( MatJ LOOK, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 20:59, 2 replies)

Hell... nah, hopefully the opposite place to the lady in question...
Went to a funeral about 6 months ago - the old lady that lived next door had died, age 102.

We sat in church (the first time in three years) listening to the vicar talk about her life. He asked us to close our eyes for a moment whilst we remembered her.

"Small and feisty" he said, was how she'd been described to him.

During this moment of silence, Vodafone thought it a good idea to send me a text message thereby causing my mobile to play this.

I remember thinking I should have turned it off...
(Mucky has squinted at the screen with one eye shut since, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 20:40, 3 replies)

good old georgie..
told me everything I need to know about religion

uk.youtube.com/watch?v=MeSSwKffj9o

RIP u old fuck
(Lord Chode, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 20:35, Reply)

Cybercafes and overly-keen staff.
You know how waiters when giving you a drink sometimes pour the drink in your glass? In Southern Europe, this happens a lot. In fact, this service-culture of starting things for you seems to have spread to Southern European cybercafes.

Once when on an Interrail in 1999, I went to a cybercafe in Italy to check my e-mail and browse teh intarweb. Anyway, I noticed that when I was about to sit down, the person working in the cybercafe actually made the effort to open Internet Explorer for me by taking my mouse and clicking on the IE icon. Now, that was something I could easilly have done myself. Noticing that Southern European service culture does not translate well to cyber-cafe activities, I thought I'd give them a lesson to show them that people expect to choose themselves what to do first (eg. they might want to use Netscape instead, or use Telnet instead of a web-browser).

When Internet Explorer is open, it goes straight to the 'homepage'. This 'homepage' can be set in the browser settings. Now, can you see where this is leading to...

The Internet is, and always has been full of dodgy sites. Truth be told, I knew several of their URLs off by heart. Not wanting to over-do things, I decided to change the default homepage to something that was more about giving advice, than just there for shock-value.

So the next time the over-eager staff-member showed someone to their PC and opened their web-browser for them, they would immediately be presented with this.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 20:06, 3 replies)

I just lost the game
I'm so sorry
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 19:38, 14 replies)

A story from my local paper about 2 years ago.
It was the middle of summer and an poor old lady had just used her savings to splash out on a brand new, uber swish, top of the range mobility scooter. She'd been pretty much housebound for a few years and her daughter had moved away so she didnt have much help.

She'd hosed down her back yard so she left the scooter in the back street while she went to watch Coronation Street and waited for the ground to dry.

Corro's finished and she comes out to find no scooter. Some little scamps had gotten drunk off their dad's beer, hotwired the scooter and driven it down to the canal and it had fallen in.

I dont know if she ever got a new one.

And I dont know where 12 year olds learn to hotwire either
(i should have joined myspace, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 18:21, 12 replies)

Peter Sallis, I am looking at you
We had this old dear who always comes in to the supermarket around the same time everyday about half an hour before I clock off. I am inevitably cranky and curmudgeonly at this point.

She always came to my till with her stupid tins of beans and stuff and faffed around and pretended to not be able to type her PIN into the card machine. Well about a week and a half ago, I had a bad cold and when she came in and started her usual tricks, I sneezed right in her fucking face.

I just checked the news and she was some actress or other and she died today after a recent cold. Stone the crows, I killed Nora Batty!

May contain lies – Kathy Staff RIP
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 18:10, Reply)

Christingle
I was told off by the Vicar for eating the currants off my Christingle while the service was still going on.

What a rebel eh?
(kitescreech still here, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 18:00, 3 replies)

Sympathy Tattoo
A lad I used to work with, Danny, likes his tattoos. At 20 years old, he's got most of his arms inked, and quite a few on his torso and legs.

Being good friends with his tattooist, he gets most of his done for nothing. One morning, he awoke with a hangover, and the familiar nip that told him that he had had further ink applied the night before.

On inspection he found, underneath a bandage on his left leg, a love heart with 'Barry' written on a scroll underneath. Barry was his tattoist.

I saw him in a pub a few days after he had this done and pissed myself laughing when he showed me it.

"Ah," he said. "I've got a plan!"

His plan was this: when chatting to women he was going to show them his leg and claim that Barry was a little brother who had died of leukemia. Therefore, he reasoned, sympathy shags all the way.

I haven't seen him to ask how successful he's been.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 17:49, Reply)

Watching an air show in 1992/1993, up north,
sat on the roof of my dad's burgundy mondeo estate, baking hot, with my two brothers and my little sister.

Pilot does a 'loop the loop' and crashes into the runway, bursts into flame and dies instantly.

I, being the knowledgeable 8 year old said, "well he was crap anyway" and my dad gives me a clip roun' th'earhole.
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 17:42, 3 replies)

Bible studies
I used to do a lot of business travel. A lonely guy, far from home, I took solace in the finest hardcore filth I could find in airports, smuggled into my hotel for private perusal.
About four years ago I started my mission, continued to this day - to share the love - I tore out pictures of dps and put them in the front of the Gideon bible.
Well, I figured, people are looking for comfort, and there's nowt more comforting than a posh wank :)
(Countryslicker, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 17:35, 1 reply)

I woke up this morning
I have a torrid tale to tell. I am certainly not proud of it, but it happened. It was about a car accident I was in.

I was at a bar with my best buddy who is a little bit younger than me and another couple of friends. We had a few drinks. My best friend didn’t drink because he was driving, but I think he was snorting a few in the toilets.

So anyway my mate Chris was driving us home. It was the middle of the night and a winding country road. Chris was now noticeably high and babbled on about random shit. He started to fiddle with the radio buttons because his favourite song came on the radio. He swerved into the opposite lane and nearly hit an incoming car. He then swerved back the other way and we went off the road. The car rolled and I was unconscious for a few seconds.

When I woke up, I was pretty badly bruised and I had a broken nose. I looked over at Chris and he hadn’t been wearing his seatbelt. He was badly messed up and it looked like he had crushed his ribcage.
I got out of my side of the car, and went over to his side. He was groaning and I took out my phone to call for an ambulance. When he became aware of me and what I was doing he said that I couldn’t call for an ambulance because he would fail a drug test and he would lose his licence which he really needed for work.

I looked in the back of the car and I saw that his baby daughter Caitlin’s car seat had been impaled by a tree branch. This filled me with absolute rage.

I looked at Chris. He looked at me. He could tell that I was extremely angry. I closed his nostrils so he would choke on his own blood. He passed. I then called the emergency services.

I regret it now but I am definately going to hell.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 17:32, 5 replies)

The Death of Dave
A pearoast from the Evil Pranks QOTW.

Back in College (all of 3 years ago now, how old I feel), the second year was fantastic. We felt like we owned the college - we'd been there an entire twelve months, we knew all the staff, how to blag free food from the canteen, who in the smoking area sold weed, everything. And so owning the college itself, we also owned any first years that were stupid enough to hang out with us. And hang out with us they did.

One girl in particular attached herself to our group (we will call her Sammy, for that was, and probably still is, her name). She was intensely irritating, loud and generally obnoxious and after a few weeks of following us from the canteen to the smoking area, smoking area to the field, around college and then on the bus into town, we decided enough was enough - she had to be ditched. But how to do it? She seemed intent on shadowing one guy in particular (the aforementioned Dave) and so with his blessing (it may even have been his idea, I forget now) we set about faking Dave's death.

It began one evening with someone calling Sammy's mobile in a panic - "Dave's been in a car accident! He's at the hospital in a really bad way. We're all here but he's asking for you, Sammy!". Being a first year, and thus only 17, Sammy could not drive. She ended up getting her mother out of bed at 11pm to drive her to the hospital where, upon arriving and not being able to trace Dave's location (what with him being happily at home having a beer and a good laugh at Sammy's expense), she called back the person who'd rung her earlier. "No," she was told, "we're not there! We're at {hospital name} hospital, in {town name} But oh God Sammy, it's too late! Dave's DEAD!" Cue floods of tears from both parties - fake from the person 'breaking the news' of course, but oh so very real from poor old Sammy. In his hour of need, Dave had asked for her, and she hadn't got there in time. How would she ever live with the guilt?

But it wasn't over there. Oh no. The next day someone "confided" to Sammy that in his last moments Dave had said that he wished she could have been there, as he thought he loved her, and wanted to tell her before he died. Hearing this of course, Sammy gushed that she wished she'd known, as she'd loved Dave all along, etc. which was quite plainly bullshit, but when the person in question is dead, I suppose you can get away with that sort of thing. Anyway, that evening we conviened on MSN as young folks do (or did in my day, they're probably all too busy doing drugs and mugging pensioners these days) and began to discuss the fun of this prank. We started a group conversation (with everyone's display names being "RIP DAVE I'LL MISS YOU!!1" and other such sentimentalities) and invited Sammy in. It started out as you might expect, people sharing their grief at the loss of their friend and discussing details of the funeral to be held the next week. That is, until one person who 'hadn't heard' of Dave's death (let's call this gent Larry) entered the conversation, and asked what all the fuss was about. "Haven't you heard? Dave's dead." Larry enquires as to which Dave this is. "Dave Smith." (name changed to protect the oh-so-guilty). "That cunt?" says Larry, "Good riddance."

Cue general outrage from the group until one by one, people start to turn.

"Well actually, he owed me money, the bastard."

"He stole my girlfriend in year 11."

"He slept with my sister you know. Git."

The final straw was when Mike, Dave's brother entered the room, and showed absolutely no grief over his brother's untimely demise, but instead was just pleased as he'd be "getting the bigger bedroom now!". This conversation went on for about 3 hours, I have the full transcript somewhere for anyone who doubts that people this evil truly exist. Eventually it turned to the absolutely ridiculous, with two people claiming that when the hospital had refused to honour Dave's final wishes (to do with some bizarre religion he belonged to, I believe), they had 'liberated' Dave's body from the hospital mortuary and were keeping it in a giant freezer in their basement. Sammy actually bought all of this, and was disgusted by her apparent friends' callous attitude towards their friend's tragic death.

The next day we were stood in the smoking area, which at our college was generally just part of the car park. Whilst we stood there badmouthing Dave and talking about who was going to get his stuff, Sammy stood in stoney silence. After a few minutes, a Ford Ka whizzed into the car park and parked up a small distance away. Out got Dave, who sauntered casually up to the group and hugged Sammy. She burst into tears.

I've never been more certain I'm going to hell.
(Mr. In-Between has regretted posting this ever since, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 16:24, 4 replies)

I have a doozy
but I'll save it for it's own post.

Here are some minor ones.

I was with the ex for 11 years, married for 3, and for about nine of those years was absolutely head over heels crazy about her sister. Spent an entire two weeks on a holiday salivating over her while my ex lay in bed with a mouth abcess (moomin-face, I called her). Was told by the ex about 2 months before we split that her sister was similarly daft about me. However, nothing happened, so I might dodge hell on the grounds of temptation resistance.

Despite a huge interest in WW1 and a deep respect for all our servicemen, I never fail to forget to buy a poppy or observe the two minutes silence.

I have forgotten the date of my mum's birthday, and rarely visit her grave.

I was once caught off guard by a severely disabled man in Boots store. He had the most comical walk I have ever seen and I almost burst a lung holding in my laugh until I collapsed into another lane out of view. When the tears stopped, I felt absolutely dreadful.

I once threw a stone at a large puddle that my friend was standing next to in an attempt to startle him. Being about 30 metres away, a slight miscalculation meant disaster and I split his head open. I feigned innocence as I arrived to see what was wrong. I also pushed the same friend off a skateboard, leaving him winded and crying for ten minutes while I stood looking sheepish.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 14:49, Reply)

Let's see.
I live with Mr Maladicta and we're not married since neither of us can really see the point, which admittedly is something only my (atheist) dad has a problem with, which makes his choice of words ("living in sin") very hard to swallow. We have also been known to engage in sofa-centric sexytime with very thin curtains up in our lounge, and I'll happily wander around in not much more than a nightie most of the time simply because I forget, and the heating's up to 11 to get rid of the flu we both had.

I told someone who was a complete cunt to me at school I hated him and hoped he died, and he ... did.

I take the Lord's name in vain pretty much continually and, aside from at work, am one of the sweariest people I know. At work, I usually read people's letters and insult them for being stupid. I also scanned a letter about a man whose balls dangled onto the toilet and forwarded it as a PDF to the entire department because it was funny.

I hold grudges worse than an elephant: I haven't seen Slag of the Universe for about five years, and I still hope her fiancé jilts her for the grief she gave me in school. I also enjoy pretending to have vectors like Lucy from Elfen Lied if someone annoys me: link here (very very NSFW). This works especially well since I work in the same building as Stalker Girl and am not allowed to attack her with staplers, but can instead walk past her and think "swish swish swish, chop chop chop".

I gurn at small children who stare at me and contemplate sticking my foot out when they run riot in restaurants.

I've been the Other Woman.

I like to listen to loud sweary rock music on buses full of old biddies.

If someone's going to hell on accumulated points, it's me.
( Maladicta, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 12:50, 3 replies)

Where's your God now?
The other day in the library at school a bunch of us were sitting at a table talking, including a perfectly nice, un-preachy Christian boy (although I didn't know he was one). Don't remember how exactly, but I ended up slapping his face and saying "Where's your God now?!?" I was later told that he was a Christian, but that hasn't stopped me from doing the same thing whenever I see him.
(The Artist Formerly Known As &c You can order curries ONLINE these days., Sun 14 Dec 2008, 12:46, Reply)

I'm not going there any more....
Im redeeming myself...my last QOTW answers say why.

But recent hell senders.....

My grandad is in hospital and all that popped into my head was 'INHERITANCE'.

Ouch. Oops...did I really say that out loud.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Sun 14 Dec 2008, 12:04, 3 replies)