Toast
My mother was useless in the kitchen.

When I was about 10, I honestly thought you made toast by putting it under the grill until it turns black and then taking it out and scraping all the black bits off.

It wasn't until I was round a mates house that I saw him take the toast out before it went black and thinking "What a fucking awesome idea!"

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 12:13, Reply)

I don't get why
you can click "I like this" for a b3ta qotw answer, but there isn't the option of "this is fcuking shite".
I would like to click that.
(ianfidel, Sun 3 Apr 2005, 1:22, Reply)

I don't get it
How are people able to type ROFL or ROFLMAO if they are, indeed, rolling on the floor laughing, or the slightly more serious version where they require medical attention because their posterior has become detached from the body through laughter. Surely dialling 999 in this situation would be more sensible?
( doctordoctor I feel like a pair of curtains, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 11:44, Reply)

Cobblers
you know, the people who mend shoes.

Why are they so good at cutting keys? what is the connection?
(Biggsy, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 16:21, Reply)

I went to the dentist today
and she joked "I'm just going to take the tooth out and fiddle around with it for a bit then put it back in again," to which i politely replied "Okay." There was a silent pause while both me and her realised that I am a retard.
( Mousing, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 16:29, Reply)

Fat People
Where do I begin, “rant mode activated”,.

I can’t stand really fat ignorant people. Like that biffer off Fat Club. I think they should be open to public ridicule at all times.

It’s my glands. NO IT’S NOT ITS LOTS OF FOOD.
I’m big boned. NO YOUR NOT YOUR’RE FAT.
It’s in my genes. NO IT’S NOT.
I don’t eat much. OH YES YOU DO.
All my family are big. YES THEY LIVE ON DEEP FRIED PIE SANDWICHES AS WELL.

You think they’d notice at some point:

They have trouble doing up there laces.
They have to buy their clothes from specialist shops.
The’re inners thighs chaffe when they walk.
Silly walk/waddle to allow for their moving centre of gravity.
They need a special toilet seat made just for them.
Their ankles overflow their shoes.
People openly stare.
They get stuck in the bath.
They break furniture.

Shops and restaurants should have vertical cattle grids or weighbridges with alarms. If I was too drunk in a pub they would stop serving me. Apply the same principle. Stop serving the biffers. Just give them a bucket of raw vegetables and tell them to come back in a week for some more.

“Can I have a big mac meal supersize please”

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough already madam.”

Fat people must be very stupid.

Unless they’re vampires, can’t they see their own reflection ?

Don't they know they will die early ?

Stop eating rubbish. Chocolate is not a food group, neither are deep fried pie sandwiches. Walk to the gym rather than driving to the chippy.

You’ll live longer. And I’ll stop staring and pointing.

You’ll even have a chance of wiping your bottom properly.
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:41, Reply)

Bad Grammar
Your vs You're
Are vs Our (what the F*CK???)
Its vs It's
There vs Their
Apostrophes in plurals.

For crying out loud! When did semi-literate, Americanised drivel suffice as good grammar?
( B00gle-H00ps Looks like a horse, in a man costume..., Thu 31 Mar 2005, 13:35, Reply)

Hotdogs!
They sell them in packs of 8 while the buns usually come in packs of 6! You're trapped in a never-ending perpetual cycle of left over bunless sausage consumption! I'm sure there is some mathematical bun package to hotdog package equation that sorts this all out and I wouldn't be surprised if the answer were 42.

And where along the lines of this wonderfully mutating language we call English did the definition of "fanny" do a complete about face while crossing the pond!?!

First post!! Apologies for length, girth and savory barbeque flavor!
(YankyPanky, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 12:41, Reply)

As a self-professed pedant...
I don’t get it when people say things such as “I literally died”. No – you “virtually”, or “nearly” died would be a suitable if probably just hyperbolic comment. “Literally” is not applicable as you unfortunately still have breath to utter such ridiculous comments.

I also don’t get why I’m not invited to more parties.
(Scoobs, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 12:30, Reply)

This may be controversial, and I mean no offence,
but I honestly do not understand why millions of intelligent people throughout the world don't question the religious beliefs that were drummed into them as children.
Is it really too much to just accept (or even consider) the provable theory of evolution over the frankly fantastical creation nonsense?
Is life really not worth living and enjoying for what it is without the concept of an "afterlife" to reward you for your good actions or punish you for your bad ones?
Is it totally beyond some religious zealots to realise that without the social partitions different belief systems have installed societies and communities would be more tolerant of others and many wars and conflicts would never have started?

I mean, I'm all for the positive aspects of religion but in the year 2005 with all the progress we've made would it be so far-fetched to expect people to think for themselves?
( BobbyParadise, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 14:48, Reply)

Illiterate Midgets
They're not big, and they're not clever.
(Crompo, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 10:47, Reply)

Google lightening fast searches
Check out this message i got when i searched for 'B3ta'...

Results 1 - 10 of about 3,580,000 for b3ta. (0.27 seconds)

Are you kidding me! 3 and a half million pages found in 0.27 seconds!!! It must have looked through thousands if not millions of times more pages than that just to find those. It took about 10 minutes to find a file searching my 80gb hard drive the other day... Their HD's must be well fast!

Google = Alien technology*

*probably
( AgeOwns Has just started Geocaching, Sun 3 Apr 2005, 18:15, Reply)

Seinfeld
Simple - I cannot understand how most of the US finds this pointless piece of comedic dysentry funny. It's about as original as most of todays modern music, bases its greatest moment on a stupid pointless skethc about a rude man who sells soup? For fucking christs sake and this takes a team of a dozen people to come uo with this tripe? No wonder the world goes up in arms when NBC want to "remake" the Office - we'll just dumb it down to a level so obvious that it bypasses every funny-node in the above average intelligence human being. And the best thing is - the guy is a comic in the program - MY FUCKING ARSE! Your about as funny as finding a scab a millimieter or two above your ladies foo foo when it was not there last week and you have been drinking from the furry cup. Its drivel, and I piss and spit on anyone who says its "genius" pr "hilarious" - FUCK RIGHT OFF! I hope your arse starts itching and both your arms fall off, you dumb, mindless nerd. Go watch the Simpsons, Monty Python, Spaced, Blackadder, Father Ted, Fawlty Towers - but don't watch that - Jesus they even have to dub on the canned laughter to alert you to what bits are supposed to be funny. I honestly have sat through many episodes, questioning my own sanity, but really making sure that I was not the one at fault - i was not the one "not getting it" - well listen children, I have watched, and have not got it - and the reason - there is nothing to get! ITS NOT FUCKING FUNNY YOU CUNTS! SO STOP TELLING ME HOW JERRY FUCKING SEINFLED IS A STALWART OF MODERN COMEDY, HOW HIS ORIGINALITY IS INDENDIARY - HE NICKED MOST OF HIS GAGS FROM THE 3 STOOGES GOR FUCKS SAKE!!! WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE REALISE??? It rips the piss out of me physically that so much talent gets thrown by the wayside when tits like this are sold around the world, networked accross the US and we are all force fed to believe its the greatest - Christ that fat fuck Gary whotsisname - I can't remember my brain has blown a bloodvessel just ranting at this shit - you know mate of Jim Davidsons, wrote for the sun newspaper, with the beard - I remember him once writing in his TV Column how this was the greatest comedy on the BBC at the time - now do you see? Oh please I hope you do as this makes me want to chew my own foot off. I see that man Jerry, telling shit jokes, all backed up by that fuck off annoying Mark King wannanbe failure playing god awful slap bass while he rubs his cock against the machineheads - and all I want to do is punch him so hard his kids will be born dizzy. And that little fat fuck with the glasses "Oh look at me I am short and balding and Jewish and devoid of a girlfriend - that deserves a season all to myself". And that fuctard with the curly hair who is blatantly failing afdmirably at trying to be the mechanic out of Taxi - go take a hike fucker. And Elaine - what can we say about her - the uptight little textbook princess - god nothing at all original about the whole damn thing? What did you do? Come up with the idea on the back of a fucking postage stamp? Jesus christ shit the bed and had a haircut! you could not make up just how crap this tub of bollocks is.

So that's what I don't fucking understand. I don't understand Seinfeld, I don't understand the saps who worship him like he was the fucking messiah of comedy, but most of all, I don't understand why millions is wasted on this shit for global broadcasting rights when so many other talented individuals could make a program to shine above it for a fraction of the cost.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 2:24, Reply)

CID
For quite some time, I referred to the CID as though I knew what it meant. Alas, it turns out it doesn't mean 'Cops In Disguise' after all.
Shame really.
( thealternativefact, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:20, Reply)

People at Work who.......
After a weekend or a Bank Holiday come over to you and say

"Good Morning! - Did you have a good weekend?, What did you get up to?"

Why?

Why are you asking me, I don't like you, you don't like me so why are you asking me.

Its Monday morning, my head hurts, Im only here for the money and my mouth tastes like the back of Ghandi's Flip Flops.

Please do Fuck Off.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 12:33, Reply)

I don't understand..
how the Pope is still ali..

oh.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Fri 1 Apr 2005, 11:09, Reply)

Sex
Still not getting it
(loquis, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 17:32, Reply)

I understand everything
But my mum does not. She signs off emails with 'LOL' thinking it stands for 'lots of love'. I enjoy the image of her cackling with delight as she hits send too much to correct her.
( AntonSporz, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 13:53, Reply)

What I don't understand is why people take a...
£500 Vauxhall Nova and spending much money on it to:
make it so low it won't go over speed bumps,
have a stereo worth more than the car,
have an exaust that sounds like the silencer has blown,
give it a paint job that makes it look like a cheap prostitute.

And then declare all of this on the insurance so you are paying for something that in your mind is worth £5000 pounds (which to everyone else is worth crap all) ramping the premium upto something more than the worth of the car.

After all of this it is just driven up and down the same stretch of road all night trying to show off to other people how bad your taste in cars/music is and that you need to replace your exhaust.

no apologies for length/girth
( sudo is bored, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 12:26, Reply)

Funsized chocolate
I don't get it. What's 'fun' about a chocolate bar that's half the size of a regular bar? It's just a rip. Are regular bars boring in some way?
(Brundy, Sat 2 Apr 2005, 7:08, Reply)

"It's always in the last place you look"
People say that to you when you've found your car-keys or the TV remote or something. Of course it's in the last fucking place I looked. As if I would carry on looking for my wallet after I've found it. "Ohh, actually it was in the second last place I looked. I found it under the settee, but then I looked in the laundry basket just to make sure".
( mikeyyy, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 16:06, Reply)

My friend's dad used to tell me the same joke, every time I saw him for years and years.
When he finished, he fell about laughing - at the joke itself AND at the bemused look on my face.

The joke:

Him: Why did the architect have his house made backwards?
me: I don't know..
Him: So he could watch TV
hahahahaha

Then... one night, years and years later, whilst staggering home drunk - not even thinking about the joke, the answer just arrived in my head.
I fell about laughing (on my own) - spilling my kebab on a parked car and nearly getting me a good kicking from some nearby louts (who probably considered me too insane to tackle).

Ahh. It makes me smile now.



What? You don't get it? Then I advise waiting about 8 years, then have 10 pints of over-priced lager and a large donner from the Whitley Bay Kebab King - it worked for me anyway.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:49, Reply)

Young, Naive and a bit stupid...
Was out for a collegues (female) leaving drink with some other ladies. The conversation got onto Bikini waxing. Unsure sat back said nothing and thought 'surely they don't have hairy breasts'.
( BindiBaji, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 14:16, Reply)

Gets on my its
I simply do not understand and have no patience for people who don't get the difference between its and it's. Sweet suffering Christ, how hard can it be?
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 12:54, Reply)

Shoe shops
Why is it that when I go to a shoe shop and ask for a size ten pair of plimsolls, after an hour of storeroom rummaging the assistant comes back and says

“Sorry Sir, we don’t have a 10, but we do have a 4.”

What fucking use is that?

“That's a fucking stroke of luck, I can wear that one on my other polio-ridden Jeremy Beadle foot”
( shambla www.gagaprinthouse.com, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 12:46, Reply)

Guerilla warfare
When I were a nipper there was a lot on the news about Guerilla Warfare in Angola (or some other suitably remote place).
As this was at the same time as the TV series of 'Planet of the Apes', it seemed obvious to me that the various countries had captured and trained up armies of gorillas. I still recall the disappointment at finding the border between fact and fiction was nowhere near where I thought it was.
(craftej, Mon 4 Apr 2005, 16:45, Reply)

sex
I just don't get it.




Unless i pay for it that is.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Mon 4 Apr 2005, 1:25, Reply)

Slices of Lemon in Coca cola !!!!!!onehundredandeleven.
"You want lemon in your coke?"
"Yeah...Stick a fucking sausage in it too!"

SAY NO TO FRUIT AND VEG IN SOFT DRINKS!
T-shirts available soon
( AgeOwns Has just started Geocaching, Sun 3 Apr 2005, 10:50, Reply)

Oh, and:
Sex: It's squelchy and smelly; you can't pleasure each other as fast or easily as you could pleasure yourselves; you both hate oral but you give it so you can receive it; then it gets to the embarrassing moment where you realise you've been trying to get her off for half an hour, and the more you both realise it, the less turned on she gets, and it turns into this desperate race for both of you, because you can't quit now, and in that moment you realise just how ugly the human body really is and why sex is rubbish. Then the next day you're desperate to get shagged again.
( SqueakyG, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 0:44, Reply)

lardy rolls of fat
I don't understand the attraction of rolls of fat above the hipster jeans of some girls. I am not commenting on the hipster jeans themselves, for this would be an opinion on the state of fashion and would make me appear to be over 60 years old, which I am not. No, it's the way that overweight girls (and for this, girls need only be overweight by a few pounds) wear hipster jeans, teamed with too-short tops, that show off rolls of fat, stretch marks and inadvisedly small pants.
I'm not saying they should lose weight, for who am I to talk? But for the sake of those who carefully conceal flab beneath appropriate clothing, I wish they wouldn't labour under the misapprehension that they are as slim as they would like to be.
( thealternativefact, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 14:41, Reply)