Live Answer
Late answer because it's a live happening at the moment thing that kind of fits in.
I'm sitting in a bar in Bruges (it's in Belgium) it sells 100s of different types of beer for you to try such as Jupiler, Corsendonk and Bruges Zot to name a few.
You could drink one beer in here every day for a year and not have the same one.
There is a couple of other English guys in the bar that have been on Stella all night.
If you are in a bar like this don't order a beer you can get in your fucking local back home.

Ffs

Rant over, Back to the Zot. Or maybe a Bruges straffe
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 20:46, 20 replies)

Walking past a man who
Just came out of Fitness First. Lighting a cigarette.
Surely that's wasted gym membership right there.
(The-Banana, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 20:45, 6 replies)

Because it's Ash Wednesday and because I did go to church...
Matthew 6: 1-6. 16-18

Jesus said to his disciples:
'Be careful not to parade your good deeds before men to attract their notice; by doing this you will lose all reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give alms, do not have it trumpeted before you; this is what the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets to win men's admiration. I tell you solemnly, they have had their reward. But when you give alms, your left hand must not know what your right is doing; your almsgiving must be secret, and your Father who sees all that is done in secret will reward you.

'And when you pray, do not imitate the hypocrites: they love to say their prayers standing up in the synagogues and at the street corners for people to see them; I tell you solemnly, they have had their reward. But when you pray, go to your private room and, when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in that secret place, and your Father who sees all that is done in secret will reward you.

'When you fast do not put on a gloomy look as the hypocrites do: they pull long faces to let men know they are fasting. I tell you solemnly, they have had their reward. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that no one will know you are fasting except your Father who sees all that is done in secret; and your Father who sees all that is done in secret will reward you.'


And so on topic as well. Can we have a thread featuring donkey stories in time for Palm Sunday?
(ProfessorCutnybaws knows two chords now., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 20:30, Reply)

Middle-aged women who go on and on and on about inner beauty to their beautiful teenage sisters to make them feel lovely.
And then spend hours in front of the mirror each evening very gently pushing the skin upwards on their faces to see what a face-lift would look like on themselves.


Only needs 1/2" taking up and it would wipe 10 years off....................them.
( girlinthehole, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 19:48, 10 replies)

Today's our tenth wedding anniversary.
The missus has been going on about how special it is and how rare and how we must make an extra-special effort to celebrate it.

Taking the hint, I went and splashed out on a sparkly diamond bracelet, flowers and dinner at an expensive restaurant, using the money I had been saving to buy myself a new flat-screen telly.

She presented me with a box of chocolates*.



* Admittedly, they were yummy and she let me have them all to myself, which is unusual.
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 18:52, 9 replies)

Me
For cooing over little round cute gurgly babies and going "Awww, I want one".

And then stomping into the office saying "I fucking HATE children, I'm having my tubes tied" after having 15 pre-pubescent drama brats in my face all shrieking at me.

that is all.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 18:24, 6 replies)

Charity high street promo idiots
I have to say the most annoying people on the planet are the charity promo idiots.

Normally dressed in a netball bib, carrying a clipboard and most have ridiculous hair or shoes, they follow you around the shopping centre preaching the need for money for deaf, dumb, blind chipmunks or whatever whilst they get paid £7.50 an hour. If its such a worthy cause why dont you work for free or at least minimum wage.

Normally when they quit and go on to other jobs they even refer back to it as a sales and marketing role.
(groovytommy, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 17:54, 3 replies)

Hypocrite or idiot?
Back when I was at Uni I shared a house with a guy and 3 girls mistakenly under the impression that living with women would keep the house cleaner (incredibly naive looking back!).

I walked in one day to find all 3 girls standing in the hall discussing the smell of gas, I agreed that yes there seemed to be an odd gas like smell.

Then one walked off saying yes you should sort that out and phone the gas company etc. Problem was she said this as she was striking a match to cook her baked beans on the hob...

Women seemed to be devoid of common sense but love dishing out advice.
(groovytommy, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 17:40, 2 replies)

Even shorter
...people who post that they liked a story and say *click* without actually clicking on I Like This.

*stern look over tops of glasses*

You know who you are.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 17:38, 8 replies)

Another short-and-sweet one...
Whatever happened to the whole love-honor-cherish-for-richer-or-poorer bit?

www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/financetopics/recession/3527803/Recession-When-the-money-goes-so-does-the-toxic-wife.html

dabagirls.wordpress.com/

*tuts*
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:52, 3 replies)

Mr Twisty Cheeky brought this to mind
Nice and short -

Hayden Christensen - Actor...

I'll say that again.

Hayden Christensen - ACTOR...

Fuck me, I've seen better displays of acting from fruit. FUCKING FRUIT!!! IN A FUCKING BOWL!!!
( SpankyHanky, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:20, 4 replies)

I sat on the train into uni today
opposite a young couple. The young woman was complaining that she was tired because she'd been up half the night coughing and felt really ill. As she rolled a cigarette.

Hypocrisy or stupidity?!
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 15:57, 15 replies)

And they say that men have dirty minds...
I had almost forgotten about this one.

Years ago I was involved with a woman who was in middle management at a mortgage company. She was a pretty good boss, from what I could see- she was fair but firm, tolerant to a point but didn't let people cross the line. She also took gifts in for her team on occasion and took them out for social gatherings.

Not long before Christmas she threw a party at her house. As I was not an official boyfriend and was therefore something of a shadow to the rest of the office, she asked me to help her out with cooking and such during her party. In exchange for some incredibly good food and some single malt scotch (and other rewards later) I agreed to be cook/server/cleaner for the night.

Her employees were all females, varying in age from early thirties to early fifties. A pretty nice group, overall. Things were quite pleasant as they feasted and drank copious amounts of wine.

After a time, though, inhibitions started to slip. (No, no one got naked or snogged or anything like that. Unfortunately.) The laughter grew louder and more raucous until I thought maybe I should check under some of them for eggs. Then the conversation started to turn raunchy.

You know, I've been around a lot of groups of drunken guys and gotten ripped with my friends on enough occasions. I've listened to them talk about women they've been with or wanted to be with, and their commentaries on the womens' attributes- the incredible boobs that this one has or the tight round butt on that one- so I have a pretty good idea of what's more or less typical guy talk.

I hid in the kitchen, washing things, and listened to the most graphic descriptions of sex I've ever experienced. They talked about their vibrators, how they used them, what their guys did that drove them wild, what they did for their guys to drive them wild... good god, it was a raging storm of flaming estrogen in there. I learned things that night that still haunt me.

Ladies, you complain about what pigs men are and how we think with our dicks, and criticize us for objectifying women. But I gotta tell you- you lot are far worse than us.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 15:45, 14 replies)

This QotW has highlighted many issues of hypocrisy…
Sometimes getting to the very core of society and raising awareness of wrongdoings and injustice around us all…

But the most serious issue still seems to have been overlooked.

Why, in Return of the Jedi, did Princess Leia say that she remembered her mother? Yet in Episode 3 we clearly saw her mother die in childbirth?

Huh? HUH?

I want answers, DAMMIT!

Lucas, hypocrite is thy name.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 15:43, 9 replies)

I'm not a daily-mail reading "British Jobs for British People" spaz...
...a few years ago I was applying for a second job at a well-known Pizza place.

As I was filling in the form, I noticed one section saying "please indicate your ethnicity", and underneath it "[Pizza place] is an equal opportunities employer".

If you're an equal opportunities employer, then why do you need to know that in the first place?

I didn't fill it in. I still got the job.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 15:23, 4 replies)

I’ve met some women…

…who screech like banshees about ‘wimmin’s rights’, ‘equality in the workplace’, and ‘wimmin can do any job a man can do’ etc… then they are the first to shout how disgusting it is when a man gets a job in nursing…or childcare.

“It’s not natural…he could be a peado!” they bleat, using their copy of the daily mail to light their torches.

Also…on the subject of the hypocrisy of ‘equality in the workplace’...

I understand that the males in porno films get paid considerably less than the ladies…yet arguably have to do more work.

What’s that all about?
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 15:06, 8 replies)

U2 move their tax affairs to the Netherlands to avoid tax in Ireland
www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2009/0225/breaking60.htm

Protesters have demonstrated outside the Department of Finance against U2’s decision to move their tax affairs to the Netherlands to avoid paying tax on their royalties in Ireland.

The protest was organised by the Debt and Development Coalition Ireland (DDCI) which campaigns on issues related to the developing world. The coalition contains such organisations as Concern Worldwide, Trócaire, Oxfam and various Catholic missionary orders.

U2 moved their publishing arm to the Netherlands in 2006 after the Government capped tax-free earnings for artists at €250,000. Previously, U2 had been one of the biggest beneficiaries of Ireland's tax-free status for artist royalties.

Just found this linked on /b/. Bono thinks the sun shines out of his arse, doesn't he?
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:53, 5 replies)

The ones in stupid hats...
Pope with bullet-proof glass...

Churches with lightning conductors...

Saying "the lord will provide" and handing out collection trays.

Preaching fire and brimstone about the evils of homosexuality, and then forcing the choirboy to lick at his old and deflated cock in the cold vesrty, the smell and smoke of incense causing his agéd twitching member to appear ghostly it tries to harden, the flecks of dried smegma falling out from the end of his distended foreskin as one gnarled, veiny and papery-thing skinned finger pokes roughly at the boy's puckered anus causing the boy to grimace and cry silently as he decides that there truly is no god, a dribble of drool escaping his mouth and landing on his holy vestiments as he leers down at the boy's smooth young back and white parted buttocks...

Oh yes... The lord provides... but it's not the Apple tree that takes away the innocence is it.

Assholes.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:48, 9 replies)

"I'm sorry to interrupt but..."
Bollocks. If you were truly sorry you wouldn't do it.

by the way... I'm sorry if this has been done but...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:37, Reply)

The Daily Prophet
I've been listening to the Harry Potter series as read by Stephen Fry, and I have to say that I'm utterly outraged by the stunning hypocrisy of the Daily Prophet.

One day they think Harry is a lovely orphan boy who deserves cuddles and love, and the next - as Voldemort rises once more - they turn on him with spiteful and vicious slurs on his character. Biassed and hypocritical reporting such as this makes a mockery of the Daily Prophet and all those who work on it.

How did the standard of News reporting get to be so low? Those fickle bastards are driving our country onto the Rocks!
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:32, 2 replies)

Headache
HER: "Not tonight, darling. I've got a cracking headache."

- Fair enough, would you like a cuppa or a hot water bottle??? -

ME: "Not tonight, sweetheart. I've got a banging headache."

"DON'T YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE??? ARE YOU SAYING I'M FAT??? ARE YOU FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE???"
( SpankyHanky, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:17, 5 replies)

God
Jerry Sadowitz's take on God: "I hate God for two reasons. 1. Not existing, and 2. managing to f**k my life up anyway."
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 13:18, 5 replies)

No way for a man to die...
His sunken brow and massive spodgy lips hung down like a tranny's cockgone.
"I love you he beemed, scowled, i'll love you for ever and ever."
Jack was not at all prepared to have this man all over him, all over his hot body, all over his swollen ballbunch.
"LeT mE KIss iT bEtTEr!" screamed goody as Jack tucked him up for bed.
"No more kissing for you my foul frog" Jack kissed his shiny head, "no miss kissing, sweet prince.."
and with that goody faded away. Never to be heard from again.
Apart from in the paper.

Every paper.

Jack spent the money on hats.
(jindodsdadsdogsdead I am not stusut79, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 13:05, 2 replies)

Talkin' Dirty
Now, I find it difficult to complete one fucking sentence without fucking swearing. It makes me feel big and hard.

The scouse girl, Emma, I was seeing a few years back would always berate me about my choice language. She did not like swearing. Not one little bit.

It really didn’t help the first time I met her parents. I was nervous and desperate to make a good impression, but I somehow managed to trip on the step leading into their house and mash my face on their welcome rug.

“Fuck me, that hurts!” I cried.

And my good first impression was well and truly fucked, crashing and burning. Emma seethed for the rest of the day and I was sleeping on the sofa that night.

The hypocrisy part became evident earlier in our relationship. After a few dates I finally managed to trick Emma into performing the beast with two backs with me. We went back to her place, she put on some music – Coldplay, if I recall. Ok, I should’ve put my trousers back on and got out then in protest, but I was desperate for some nocturnal naughtiness.

So, we do a bit of smooching, things start getting heavy, and we transfer proceedings to the bedroom.

Well, fuck me...

“YES, YES, YES!!! I LOVE YOUR FUCKING COCK UP MY CUNT!!! FUCKING RIDE ME!!! FUCK ME HARD!!! HARDER, YOU FUCKER!!!”

And so on...

The language that came out of that girl’s mouth when she was on the job was unbelievable. She would’ve made a squaddie blush. She even taught me some new words I’d never heard before.

Then afterwards, she would revert back to Mary Poppins mode. If I so much as uttered "cock!", I would receive a slap.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 12:35, 10 replies)

Yes, another Daily Mail one
They really are cunts, aren't they?

After leading protests against the evils of mobile phone masts for years (for example here) they only this week featured a story about a guy who is suing his network provider because, hey, whaddayouknow, he can't get any network coverage in his home, the poor dear.

Now why do you suppose that is, Daily Mail? You hypocritical, shit-stirring, PC-bashing, scare-mongering, immigrant-hating CUNTS?
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 12:15, 7 replies)

Women;
a man you find unattractive checks you out in the street/bar/club:

"Ugh! Disgusting, lecherous swine!"

A more visually appealing man does the same thing:

"Well hello there!"

*Guilty*
(Eldoofus, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 12:01, 6 replies)

While I'm here
On the way home the other night, my flatmate (who, despite things like this, is lovely) decided to swing by the shop to pick up some ciggies. While we were there, I saw a magazine that grabbed my interest, so I picked it up.

"Ugh, that's porn, you're disgusting."

We'd just been to the cinema, the film chosen by her and another female flatmate because Brad Pitt takes his shirt off a couple of times in it.

(It wasn't porn either, unless Arena has changed a lot since I last read it.)
( Dave McF wrote some words on, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 11:20, 1 reply)

PFL (Txt spk for ‘Pointless-F*cking-LOLs’)…

There’s a chap I work with called Martin, who is the most chronically, death defyingly dull human being I have ever met. Words cannot express how much this moaning, miserable mongoloid morbidly mopes his way through every working day with the fixed, pained expression of a man who has just been forced at gunpoint to felch the sloppy schlong syrup from the clap-ridden chutney cupboard of a syphilitic three-legged goat.

Sporting the amiable charm and good looks of a sweaty, seventies serial sex-offender, Martin winces and grumbles as he hobbles along, and with every step he resembles a man who is permanently having the larger of his haemorrhoids violently rubbed with sandpaper before having his hog’s eye prodded with a red hot knitting needle dipped in sulphuric acid.

When this pitiful spaff-splat actually ‘speaks’, it is a monotone, excruciating experience that ends with people weeping tears of despair…swiftly followed by a mad surge for the exits like a Chinese fire drill.

You get the idea.

Yet somewhere, in every communication that this putrid lump of pure despondency sends through the medium of email (or even worse, text) he will include the acronym ‘LOL’!

The thing is…It doesn’t even follow a joke, or even an attempt at humour!

For example, Here’s a direct quote of his, copied from my inbox:

“It is the same Sharon, she is changing roles, and she will be getting a laptop as she will be field based LOL“

What the jellified fuck? I ask you. I’ve never seen the guy so much as crack a smile, let alone an actual laugh…out-loud or otherwise.

Why do some people do this? Why do they feel the need to inform us that they’re laughing when they’re not?...and sometimes when it’s not even relevant in the first place?

What’s next?...

“I’m afraid it’s herpes. LOL”

“I was brutally arse-raped last night. LOL”

“Goodbye, cruel world. LOL”

LOLs are not full stops, required at the end of every message. Pointless, unwarranted LOL’s are like a virus…infecting the planet with the sole purpose of dumbing it down, closely followed by the rapidly-devaluing ‘Genuine LOL’ that people are now writing.

If every LOL was genuine, we wouldn’t be able to hear ourselves think over the noise...everybody’s work environment would be like a non-stop comedy gig, and you wouldn’t be able to walk down the street without tripping over hordes of cretins ‘ROFL’ing all about the place.

Some people need to get a fucking grip. Grrrr


Ooooh, get me! – Haven’t I woken up with my 'rant' head on today?


…

LOL.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 11:15, 24 replies)

Apparently
a glass of wine per day may be enough to increase your risk of cancer.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7906355.stm

But also:

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3959121.stm

Proof, if proof were needed, that these 'studies' are a load of poppycock.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 11:04, 7 replies)

Lent
I'm giving up believing in Jesus for Lent
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 10:49, 5 replies)