Fiona Bruce holding a breadmaker
Gives me teh horn.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Well then
I have had a bit of a thing for Sheridan Smith for years. Since 2 pints really. She's my chavy crush.

Even though that fat bell-piece James Corden has had a go glazing her norks, I still would like my turn.

I don't actually really want to have sex with her, though I wouldn't refuse, I just think it would be in keeping if she noshed me off in the bogs.

On another note, I will often watch Glee with the wife. Not out of fairness because she has to watch the football but because I fancy pretty much 90% of the female casts. Especially the angry PE teacher lady for some reason...
( Dervel OTBC, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:36, 6 replies)

Neighbours...

I watched Neighbours when I was a student. Yeah, yeah, blah blah, the Alessi twins, whatever. However, drunken conversations with various mates revealed I was not the only man harbouring odd feelings towards Helen Daniels...
(SonofRojBlake, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:34, 5 replies)

So anyway, my best mate Mikey has a 1968 Triumph which he loves almost as much as his daughter and wife.
He's never pandered to fashion - he is stylish in a conventional way, but only ever according to what he wants, not what he's told. He's laid-back but not self-consciously "cool", and is slightly disturbingly interested in mechanics, though is a lawyer, which is ace, as it means I get to take the piss out of him for the rest of his life for being a complete bastard, but also have a free legal service should I ever need it.

He's got a penchant for 70s hard rock, though is pretty open in his taste, and recently actively enjoyed going to a Placebo concert. I told him that such was unfashionable and he just shrugged his shoulders.

I once offended him accidentally once, because I told him that I'd been talking about him to a girl, and said "You've got to meet Mikey, he's ace - he's completely inoffensive, but strong in character. He hasn't got a bad word to say about anyone, and is genuinely interested in what people have to say. He's great for drinking with, and he's just really ... nice ... "

He responded to this by saying sardonically, "So I'm 'nice', am I? Thanks, Vagabond - really, thanks."

He and I have the rather dubious honour of having known each other for 25 years now, and have drunk, smoked and met girls together. We shaved off one of his eyebrows on his 21st birthday, but for his stag-do I made sure that nothing untoward happened to him, and he me for mine. He really is absolutely awesome; you should meet him.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:34, 6 replies)

Me, Miranda Krestovnikoff (from the one show) and Kate Humble
go on a nature ramble looking for frogs, sticks, trees and other green shit. The weather draws in so we are forced to share a tent. The ladies start to get frisky after too many emergency malibu's (chicks drink) and one thing leads to another.
( herd of chickens First part only £1.99 and comes with a free, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:28, 1 reply)

I don't understand the fascination with Fiona Bruce.
She looks like Mrs Doubtfire.

Oh, wait, i'm thinking of Steve Bruce.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:27, Reply)

Cerys Mathews
Not only does she have a sexy Welsh voice and a wazzo set of jugs she is a girl you can go out drinking with after doing the dirty and you know she will be able to keep up with you.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:25, 4 replies)

Has anyone mentioned Fiona Bruce yet?

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:16, 3 replies)

This week is a drag with posts along the lines of
Sarah Beenie

I'd love to have a go on her fun bags and I bet she's dirty

Kirsty Allsop

As long as I could gag her

*sigh* it's all a bit phwoooor isn't it? In any case it's supposed to be iffy crushes. We have had suggestions of Alice Roberts & Victoria Corehn for fucks sake. Two ladies you would be proud, not embarrassed, to be seen out with. You can do better surely. What about Miriam Margolyes, as long as she wears the professor sprout costume or a threesome with Ethel from Eastenders and Willy the dog. Those are iffy

Anyway I propose a threadjack ;P
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:08, 9 replies)

In a vague, but probably doomed attempt to do something other than just add a name and a "I'd X her in the Y' type comment, I am going to at least try to address the 'Why?' part of the question.


Funny women will always be my weak spot, and one in particular. I would crawl over twenty naked Scarlet Johansens to spend some time with Any Poheler. (although actually, phrased like that, the crawling part doesn't actually sound much like the chore I had intended it to). From holding her own with three incredibly funny men in 'The Upright Citizens Brigade' Sketch Group and TV Show, to the Tourette's woman in Deuce Bigalow. The Slutty Surogatte Mum in Baby Momma to Gob's aggresive wife in Arrested Development, there's not a thing she has been in or done that doesn't, in the words of Peter Sellers make my heart go 'Boom Diddy Boom, Diddy Boom Diddy Boom Diddy Boom Boom Boom'. Although she is very, very far from unattractive in any sense of the word, I don't think she'll be appearing on any Sexiest Women In The World lists any time soon, but for me, along with Tina Fey, (and really, when they share a screen I am all over the place) I don't think anyone really comes close.

And I still haven't really managed to explain the why.

I swear, it's harder than it looks...and so is answering the question...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:07, 6 replies)

I think I would probably dog Dog the Bounty Hunter's missus
Taste the paradise.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:07, 1 reply)

Fiona Bruce
Brucey is like a fine wine, improving with age.

When she did that Chicago number on children in need or red nose day...gulp!
(aeloen, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 8:51, Reply)

Hows about a bit of caterwauling with Cheetarah?
I'd scent mark her mound.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 8:42, 3 replies)

not me
but my b3ta handle totally would:
Kristen Saloomey - dark hair and cute (face cheek) dimples
Janet Mbugua - she is just asking for it on her chocolate...
(Ymob is a kaburu, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 8:41, Reply)

Not Margaret Thatcher as such...
But ther clips and poster for The Iron Lady make me think she's quite fit.

So is that fancying Thatcher, Meryl Streep or Streep as Thatcher?

Whichever it is, I think it's a bit wrong
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 8:34, 1 reply)

I'm learning some excellent euphemisms this week...
"She can flog my semi anytime"
"I'd do something spurty at her"
"I'd jackhammer her doodoo hole"

Actually, they're not euphemisms at all, are they... I'm still learning new phrases though!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 8:26, 2 replies)

Cruella De'Ville used to give me the right fucking wronghorn when I was a nipper.
See also: Servelan from Blake's 7.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 7 Oct 2011, 8:13, Reply)

I have a thing for men with a bit of meat on their bones...
probably Jack Black and an older John Travolta.

Dunno what it is about them but I much prefer a bit of wobble to cuddle.
(Freakmandu, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 7:18, 12 replies)

The Time Sodomist
If I were to go back 6 months or so into the past and bugger my younger self, would that count as a form of masturbation?
(mudskipper, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 7:17, 2 replies)

Sally from 3rd Rock From The Sun


oooo yeah - makes me want to do something spurty at her
(SausageWarrior destination Zululand, come on boys jump in the van, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 5:45, 4 replies)

I definitly shouldnt have a crush on Peter Dinklage...
or Tyrion from Game of Thrones. I just think he's a handsome wee fella.
He really shouldnt be on my 'To bone' list as I'm a straight male :-(
(technocore, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 4:31, 2 replies)

Lois Griffin
From Family Guy

I know she's a cartoon but she's a hot cartoon. And many people agree judging by some of the stuff that's on this internet
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 4:06, Reply)

the squirrel from The Sword In The Stone


probable archetype for my 'type' of girl my whole life...

(I'm not a furry, I swear!)
(chocolatelemming, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 1:52, 4 replies)

The green/white Power Ranger.
One of my first crushes, what a guy.

Also, Sam Neill when he was in Merlin.
(Babbeyroad, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 1:23, 2 replies)

She bats for the other team, but...
Darlene from Roseanne, aka Sara Gilbert. I always wished there were girls like her in my school: smart, cynical, and with a nice hint of white-trash dirtiness.


(McChinaman banned, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 1:20, 8 replies)

The united kingdom of great britain, northern ireland, and sweden.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Princess_Madeleine,_Duchess_of_H%C3%A4lsingland_and_G%C3%A4strikland - one act of insanity, and several hundred random deaths, and I'm king of both the UK and Sweden.
(speedevil, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 1:07, 1 reply)

from the mists of time . . . .
When I was a kid I had a hug crush on Maureen Lipman. Many will be too young to remember Her in 'Agony'.
Also if I could go back to the 60s with a boner Nana Mouskouri would have got it in a big way.
My Partner understands me all too well
(BigAndyBee, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 0:50, Reply)

Luna Lovegood, or the actress that played her.
I'd show her something magical.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 0:29, 4 replies)

Oh yeah! the tall chick in Deuce Bigelow...

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 0:27, 1 reply)

Elisabeth Pena
Ever see the movie Jacob's Ladder? After seeing her in that, I'd jackhammer her doodoo hole.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 0:26, 1 reply)