Nurse Gladys Emmanuel
As was. Can't really get a lob on for her now.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 12:48, 3 replies)

Legless
Because he is big and brave and strong fighting off all the /talk trollz.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 12:45, 4 replies)

Sarah Millican
I KNOW it's not just me....

There's something about the glasses, the frumpiness and the fact that she's got a potty mouth does it for me every time. Oh, and the accent.

Am I the only one who can get a stiffy from watching Live At The Apollo?
(penrose your dog's got tits, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 12:33, 8 replies)

Just two calories
Towards the end of secondary school my pubic hairs were getting well established, I’d had several surprise nocturnal incidents, and my voice was dipping humorously across the octaves. The only thing left to do to complete my adolescent bingo card was develop an all consuming obsession with a member of the opposite sex.

My school was large – there were around a thousand pupils in it at any one time, so roughly 500 girls. My friends were a little ahead of me, and would discuss in brilliantly misguided detail how they’d ‘hump’ some pretty girl or other given half the chance. “I bet you could get four fingers in her,” “I bet she’s wicked at tossing off,” etc etc. They largely stuck to the obvious choices – girls none of us had ever spoken to, and who were inevitably hand-in-hand with one of the hard lads. Gobby lasses, the kind who’d tell you to fuck off if you accidentally walked into them, making you spend the rest of the day bright red and nervous with a secret stiffy. Great years, they were.

For some reason though, I was drawn to someone else. Someone I’d never seen with a boy, and who to my knowledge, was unfancied by anyone. I confessed this to my three best mates in our den one night, in my back garden, only to be met with wild hoots of derision. “She’s got a face like a fucking horse!” “Her arse is MASSIVE!” “She’s a stuck-up miserable devil bitch!” The consensus was: what the fuck do you see in her?

Quite simply, she liked Tic Tacs. And I fucking LOVED Tic Tacs. And don’t believe their bollocks about being low calorie, because I lived on those little sugar pills and I was a bonafide fucking blimp.
I learnt of our shared passion for minty obesity when I was stood outside a classroom at break, shaking the fucking things into my jowels like a sow on a bushel of acorns. She broke away from her gaggle of friends and skipped up to me – “Can I have a Tic Tac please?”
I stopped and stared cautiously at her, mouth full of sugar. What did she really want? But there was nothing in her angelic equine face other than a youthful hunger for tooth decay – a look with which I sympathised entirely. I mumbled “Um humf” and shook a few into her open hand. She beamed at me – I’d never been ‘beamed’ at by a girl before – said thank you, and pranced back to her mates. I watched them from a distance, waiting for them to whisper, look over at me and burst out laughing. Nothing.
After the class had finished I was shuffling out and already rooting in my pocket for some sweety goodness. Then there she was, at my side again.
“Thanks for the Tic Tac earlier.”
“Ummm, yeah. Right. No problem.”
“Could I have another please?”

And there it began. If I had Tic Tacs, she spoke to me. If I gave her Tic Tacs, she was grateful. Tic Tacs, it seemed, made me a goddamn diabetes-prone chick magnet. Oo ra.
This went on for the rest of the year. Our relationship barely developed from giving and receiving sweets, but it was all I looked forward to all day. I had a renewed spring in my heavy step. My slouched posture was vaguely more proud. My friends, of course, mocked me without mercy. “Ooh, there’s your fucking horse over there, are you going to go and feed her then, you fucking weirdo? Don’t forget your nose bag.” I didn’t care. To me she was perfect. An angel with a thirst for confectionary that almost rivalled my own.

The school year came to an end. After the last lesson of term I was hanging around the car park waiting for my mates, and up she sprang. I happily reached for my little box of trusty friends.
“Oh, no, I don’t want any thanks.”
This was new.
She passed me a piece of paper.
“I just thought I’d give you this, in case, you know, you wanted to meet up over the summer.”
It had a phone number written on it.
“So, see you soon I hope.”
And off she went onto her bus.

I was completely dumbfounded. That first week of the holidays I could barely think straight. By the second week I was calmer and wondering what to do. The third week I had got to the point of dialling five of the six digits before hanging up, gasping with anxiety. And finally, four weeks into the summer, I called her. It was a painful call, filled with the awkward cack-handedness and evasion of fatness and youth, but somehow we managed to arrange a time to meet in town.
If I thought that call was bad, the walk to meet her was even worse. My body was wracked with tremors and flutters, my face kept going pointlessly hot, and I nearly turned around and went home several times, to the comfort of mum, chips and Spectrums – where there was none of this weird lovely awfulness. But, I didn’t turn around.

We met in a cafe and had a cup of tea. She wittered on about her summer so far, her friends, her family, her horses. It was the most she’d ever said to me. True to form, I sat there silently, desperately trying to think of interesting and funny things that had happened, wishing I was a hard lad so I could at least impress her with a fight I’d won, but other than a few SMASHING goes on International Karate Plus I had nothing.
And then she said it. Two decades hasn’t dulled the impact of the words at all.
“By the way, I’ve got a new boyfriend.”

Nothing she said registered for the next five minutes. My expression didn’t change, but my sight narrowed to the point where only my teacup was visible. A red, roaring noise drowned out everything. There was nothing at that table but me and the world-ending, horrible sickness of your first ever proper rejection.
We carried on for an hour or so, her talking and me seeming to listen, but actually just wondering what the fuck I was doing, where I was, what was going on. Something seemed to register, because at last she said “Are you ok?”
I suppose there wasn’t much point continuing the facade any longer.
“Dunno”
“What’s the matter?”

I looked straight at her for probably the first time that day, and began muttering a load of rubbish about being tired, being late, needing to go, got to meet my friends. Just waffle, something to fill the silence until I could leave without admitting anything, without letting on why I’d turned up. But somewhere, deep within my burgeoning balls, there was an idiotic and brilliant voice that needed to be heard –

“And I’d been wondering what it would be like to kiss you.”

That hung in the air for a moment.

And to this day, I’m happy to report that it tasted like Tic Tacs.

Iffy crushes? It was the best one I’ve ever had.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:55, 15 replies)

Imogen Heap
She isn't unattractive but equally I don't regard her as beautiful either. As one wag elsewhere on the internet pointed out, she can often look like Russel Brand's sister or indeed Russel Brand after a shave and a wash. All this is moot because her voice (both singing and speaking) is fabulous, it is one of the most wonderfully alluring sounds I can think of and for that reason I would quite willingly (were I not a happily married man) spend the rest of my days with her.

I find Janeane Garofalo attractive too despite rarely finding her amusing and her having little or nothing in common with my more typical "type." I am particularly keen on her as she appeared as "The Bowler" in Mystery Men. I'd venture so far as to suggest she is the only reason I still own a copy of it.
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:53, 4 replies)

When I was but a nipper,
I was very fond of the eldest daughter from Round The Twist. Worryingly, my dad gave his blessing to this crush, and expressed his own preference for the daughter from 2.4 Children (she and her twin were in Grange Hill, I think) - creepy.

Old enough to know better, I hold something of a candle for the eldest adoptee in My Parents Are Aliens, but she's a grown-up in real life (isn't she?).
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:52, 1 reply)

the woman that does the answerphone messages
she'd have to talk the whole time though.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:51, Reply)

Miss
Piggy.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:50, 2 replies)

Well
ThatNiceLady fancies Steven Gerrard.
Having watched G.O.L.D. recently, I still have a thing for Constable Habib in The Thin Blue Line.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:40, 3 replies)

Dullest QOTW evar, and gets a squillion replies in a flicker.






Tim Curry.
(Odinsdottir wants to tell you about her cats, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:35, 6 replies)

No idea who she is.


...but I'd be afraid to let her give me a handjob.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:22, 1 reply)

can't believe no one else has said it...
YOUR MUM
(Captain Benzo Panda fighting, live on tuesdays., Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:19, 7 replies)

Mary Lynn Rajskub
or, perhaps more accurately, Chloe O'Brien.

She is by no means conventionally good-looking but as she is a super-geek-government-hacker type, I suspect I am not the only one to have developed an attraction. I've watched every episode of 24 (I'm currently re-watching season 7) and Chloe's combination of hard-to-get, cold shouldered demeanour; sneaky underhanded counter-terrorist activities and witty repartees have me hooked.

Continuing on in the same vein, Janeane Garofalo is also a bit of a hottie, for identical reasons, at least as far as 24 Season 7 goes.

***In an attempt to placate the 'Let's not just make a list' crew, I've tried to answer the question as fully and accurately as possible but it's hard when the question is essentially 'name a person that you fancy'.

/my two cents
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:09, 5 replies)

GlaDOS
From Portal. I like a woman with a sharp wit and consumed with psychotic bloodlust.

There might be hardware compatibility issues but I'd be willing to look for a way around them.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:02, 2 replies)

Having watched True Romance,
with its "if I had to fuck a man, I'd fuck Elvis" speech, I tried to decide which man I would fuck, if I had to.
I settled on Ewan Macgregor, as this was around the time that Trainspotting came out, so he looked vulnerable and non-threatening.

Bringing this up with my girlfriend, led to an evening of awkward conversation.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 11:00, 9 replies)

Sawalha
My mate had a go on Julia Sawalha when she lived round here. True that is.
(rustytruck, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:58, 2 replies)

Caroline Flint
Caroline Flint Labour MP.
She is annoying but find her strangely alluring & sexy.
(sleepmonkey, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:52, 3 replies)

Marnie from "Misfits".
She's just so wrong, yet there's something...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:51, 3 replies)

Has anybody mentioned Ken Bruce yet?
That voice makes Popmaster a wank-fest every day...
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Brita Water Filter woman in the 90's...
...making tea in a glass cup, damn she was sultry and had an amazing voice. I've spent a good deal of time searching for the ad on the internet to no avail. I wanted a nostalgia wank. Before anybody suggests it this is before Rachel Shelley did them in 2002. She was late 30's and I was a teenager at the time.
( JebediahSpringfield, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:41, 5 replies)

Diana Dors
I recently caught the Adam Ant Prince Charming video for the first time in ages and couldn't help noticing Diana Dors. Ok she was definitely past her best by then but something about her just oozed sexuality. The lady couldn't half dance to the Dandy Highwaymans beat too. When she was younger she was a serious sex symbol in the Marilyn Monroe mould and you can definitely see echos of this in her performance.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:38, 5 replies)

Queenie
...from Blackadder II. Even the voice does it for me.

No idea why.
(a gun that fires other, smaller guns full of jizz, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:25, 9 replies)

The Edmonds
Mrs BinDipper thinks Noel Edmonds is a distinguished older gentleman full of warmth and charm. This is lady speak for "I'd definitely give him one".

Problem is, she's not shy about her admiration for The Edmonds leading to many a horrified gasp from friends when drunken chat turns inevitably to your fantasy shag.

It's a worry but I still love her.
(BinDipper, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:24, 3 replies)

Mrs Duck has a crush on Gordon Ramsey.
Why she is attracted to a bloke with a face like WH Auden's scrotum I have no idea.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:19, Reply)

I really fancy Professor Snape from Harry Potter
It's the only reason I watched the films.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:19, Reply)

RIght, you lot - come on. You're not getting it. The question is "IFFY" crushes.
Stop posing "Oh it's so embarassassing but actually I quite fancy Angelina Jolie" for fuck's sake.

The question is about crushes you have that make your personal taste in the human aesthetic seriously questionable.

I've tried to be funny. I've tried to derail you. And I've manned up and admitted that I'd still do Delia Smith, albeit in an understandably embarassed fashion.

Get with it, or get out. Or something. Who's round is it?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:15, 11 replies)

Big Gay Rhys
In the spirit of 'trying to tell more of a story' it is time to tell the story of Big Gay Rhys.

Well, you can work out a lot about him from his name. He was Welsh. He was 6'3". And he was gay.
Not camp-as-a-row-of-pink-frilly-chiffon-tents gay, just normal-guy-who-happens-to-prefer-cock gay.
He was part of the bunch of lads with whom I used to watch the rugby and drink, back in my uni days. But on one fateful night of post-match-boozing, the conversation turned to fuckable celebrities. Everybody else in the group ran off the predictable list of unattainable ladies, but Big Gay Rhys stayed silent. He'd only come out to us very recently, and was still shy about it.

Me: "Come on Rhys. We're all open-minded guys here. We know you're gay."
Rhys: "I can't. It's dead embarrassing."
Me: "Rhys. It's nearly Christmas. In two weeks, you've got to go home and pretend to like that ginger girl from the chipshop, for your Nan's sake. Get it off your chest."
Rhys: "But..."
Me: "We won't think any less of you, whatever you say."
Rhys: "...you promise?"
Me (looking round my cohorts' carefully serious faces): We promise.
Rhys: Well...him off Star Trek, like.
Me: What, Captain Kirk? Mister Spock? That bald guy?
Rhys: mumble mumble
Me: Sorry mate, didn't quite catch that.
Rhys: mumble mumble mumble..
Me: Speak up there, man!
Rhys: WESLEY FUCKING CRUSHER, ALRIGHT?
...
Rhys: Only when he was grown-up, only when he was grown-up!
...

And that is the story of how Captain Rhys got his name.
His Nan thinks he was on the rugby team, and if anybody ever tells his Da what 'boldly going' actually referred to, he'll be cut off in a jiffy.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:10, 4 replies)

Rebekah Wade
Yeah, I know. It's probably for the same reason I liked Evil Lynne from Masters of the Universe. And my second girlfriend. What can I say? Evil is pretty sexy.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 10:00, 1 reply)

Gabriela Quintero

Rhythm guitarist in thrash metal flamenco fusion duo Rodrigo y Gabriela. I watched a youtube video where she demonstrates how she does the insanely fast strumming patterns in some of their songs, glancing down at the comments a comment caught my eye that really made me chuckle

"I bet she gives deadly wanks"

Only on youtube
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:53, 1 reply)