Hoist on your own petard
Dekazer
It's
Wharf

Even by your reckoning, that makes most of the adult world ignorant. As the answers to this question so amply demonstrate :D

FAO Delazer
To most of the adult world its still called Canary warf
to those who have an address finder its
'One Canada Square'
(bigmeuprudeboy, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 15:31 , I like this! )
( Dekazer, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 11:32, Reply)

Footballer's wife said this...
'I heard that plane wings can fall off, i mean, they're lying though innit? cos i heard that it's really just one big wing...'

whatever...
( fridge_magnet, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 11:29, Reply)

Pontefract Cakes
Freshers week:

Me: So where are you from?

Her: Pontefract.

Me: Oh, like the cake.

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Pontefract cakes. Small round buttons of liquorice...

Her: Oh no. They're called Pomfrecack cakes.

Me: Ha! Good pun.

Her: (Baffled) I don't get you. They're called POMFRECACK CAKES.

She was so disgusted at my 'ignorance' she then made her excuses and went to the bar.
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 11:28, Reply)

Life is short
No it bleedin' isn't?
What have you got that's longer than life?
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 11:20, Reply)

In a hotel in Spain
Met this lurverly looking american blondie girl in the swimming pool. We get taking about things. She asks me where I'm from, so I say "England".

She raises her eyebrows and says, "Well, for a foriegner you speak English real good."

Dear god the stupidity...
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 11:08, Reply)

Ashamed to say I'm still with her.
'So is Noam Chomsky the same person as Normski?'

She has got a winning smile though
(Sex Panther, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 10:35, Reply)

Phil sorry but you did think it would work
"bloody delete keys not working" he said whilst banging away at the keyboard.

I pick up my cordless one and pass it over saying "Here try mine"

"OK" he says "Thanks"

After about ten seconds "It's not working". Once he saw I was in tears he realised he'd been had.
(Yellow Car is now red, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 10:27, Reply)

My nuncle Phil
is the spit of Hyoo Jackman.

But that's another story. In the wake of Fred West hanging himself, there were a few jokes going round. Mu nunc fucked this one up wonderfully:

Just before Fred's being led down to prison, they tell him he can have one last request. So, he decides he fancies one last bitter in his local. So, away he goes, accompanied by two bobbies. In they walk, and the barman asks "alright Fred, what'll it be?"

"Well," he answers, "I could murder a couple of Tenants."

Boom Boom. Except not, cos in my nunc's version it's 'a couple of pints of Tenants'. In the end, we laughed far harder than if he'd got it right.
(unholysmoke, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 10:10, Reply)

And another thing
Same bald Portuguese loon told me this one about himself.

Wants to go to the barber to book an appointment, but spacktardily wanders into the funeral director next door.

Completely oblivious to all the gravestones/coffins/whatever they have in there, he walks straight up to the counter and asks the immortal question:

"Can I book an appointment please?"

Final one from the little man; we're sitting around doing the crossword. Girlfriend reads out 'Holes in the skin' clue. Naturally, I say 'pores.' Carlos, with slightly puzzled expression:

"I thought only dogs and cats had those...."

I swear he's the bastard lovechild of Manuel from Fawlty Towers and the 'Scorchio' girl from The Fast Show.

Big up all the American ignorance ones - some of those just defy belief.
(unholysmoke, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 9:54, Reply)

So there we all are sitting around
my grandparents' table having lasagne - the olds, the parents, my sisters, me. There's been a silence for a few minutes, before my grandmother suddenly sits up straight, brow slightly furrowed, and hits us with a pure gem:

"You know, if this didn't have any meat in it, it'd be a vegetarian meal."

By the time we'd stopped laughing, it had gone cold.

Me and a mate came back from a night on the lash, where my flatmates (one girlfriend at the time, one blonde girl) decided to rip the piss by saying they'd bought a chicken (don't ask) and subsequently lost it.

Carlos, a million beers inside him, says, "Is it a boy chicken? It might have gone to watch the football."

Baldy nutter.
(unholysmoke, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 9:47, Reply)

one more pearl of insanity
Shortly after 9/11 she suggested that in case of nuclear attack my wife and I could hide in the cupboard under our stairs.
(roger_cook, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 9:42, Reply)

Dozy gf
Was watching TV when Michael Fish or some such comes on to give the weather. Up comes great satellite picture of Northern Europe with impressive weather system coming in. Dozy gf asks if the satelltie picture is todays picture or tomorrows......

Should have married her - after listening to Ivor Biggun, she also thought fellatio was good for sore throats.....
(anthorin, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 9:41, Reply)

my mother in law has some funny ideas...
during all the flooding a couple of years ago she expressed concern that the country would become too weighed down and sink beneath the sea, much like a plate floating in a bowl of washing up water.

My father in law also had her believe for over a decade that workers in the local crematorium warmed their pork pies on shovels in the furnaces.
(roger_cook, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 9:39, Reply)

Q: my friend Dunc on Geology field trip (and monsterous h/over) several years ago; "Erosion....
...Does that mean the world's getting smaller?"

A: "no, just rounder."
(Freegan Bikefascist, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 9:38, Reply)

workboresme
i have the same issue, although i am a boy and my twin sister is..

well, a girl.
to confuse matters, our parents gave us names that could be used by either sex. Jamie/Alex.

cue some of my parents' friends never ever getting our names right.

bless
(magictorch, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 9:03, Reply)

Stupid blonde...
I used to go out with an exceptionally stupid blonde girl. Her crowning moment was walking along the Thames on our way to a night out.

Her: (Sees a sign saying "Towpath") "So why's this called the towpath?"
Me: "Well, before the industrial revolution, barges were towed up and down the Thames by horses"
Her: "Horses? What, in the water?"

Cue visions of shire horses in armbands, me standing there stunned while she didn't realise what was wrong with what she said. We split up very, very soon after that.


I also convinced a friend that England were, and had been at war, with Kenya since 1964 over Marmite mining rights. Y'see, Kenya has the largest natural supply of Marmite, and stopped the British from allowing them to mine Marmite in their back yards in a bloody coup...

(Note to Americans and other aliens - Marmite is a browny-black yeast-based toast topping, peculiar to the UK and Australia. And it rocks bells. And Marmite mining is a euphemism for cocoa shunting).

Same friend once asked while watching WWF, and seeing Jerry "The King" Lawler, "Is he really a king?". We told him, yes, Jerry "The King" was King of America....
(dickybt, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 8:49, Reply)

Stupid Rednecks
I lived in Florida for a bit, and was discussing where I came from in England with a toothless yokul at a truckstop. He asked if I lived near the desert in England. Even better was when I said I now lived in Daytona florida, he replied "My folks come from Florida, they live in Tampax" (Tampa)jeeeezuss.
(Daytona Dude, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 8:36, Reply)

My poor dad...
...As a child, didn't have a TV, didn't have a dad (blame TB), and lived in an extremely remote area. He'd never played with a ball, never seen cricket, nor heard of rugby.

His first ever sporting event at school... Cricket. The poor lad, aged 7, stood in his new and rather uncomfy cricket boots, watching this confusing 'game' unfold infront of him for the very first time.

His horror was truly realised as the ball came rolling to his feet, and stopped. He looked around, with a lump in his throat, and asked out loud "should I throw it, or kick it Sir?" and wondered.... "well, the game is called 'kick-it', I wonder if now is the time to do so, as I've not seen anyone else do it yet" Answer, (amongst laughter) "Do whatever you want Humpty"

He broke his big toe, and the ball didn't go very far at all.

His eyes well up when he tells the story. Bless his cotton sox.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 11 Jan 2005, 7:09, Reply)

A very dumb politician
In the short time I spent in Ohio looking at colleges, I managed to hear Ohio State Representative John Galbraith say the following:
"We should abolish January and February. If we then divided the fifty-nine extra days between July and August, we will cut our energy needs by about one-third through eliminating the coldest days of the year. Cold is largely a psychological matter. If people look atthe calendar and see that it is July, they will be quite happy to turn the heat down."
(HeilBush Lurking since 2004, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 5:31, Reply)

Tsunami...
I did once convince an ex gf that tsunamis were named after Japanese warlord "Tsu" whose "army" (hence "Tsu n'Army") perfected a method of rocking their war boats from side to side to create heavy wave action that resulted in sending a deadly wall of water towards their enemy on shore.

This was a long time ago, so I'm not going directly to hell I guess.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 5:18, Reply)

Take a Shower
Stayed overnight at the old Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas, once a magnet for the dense. The shower was governed by a big dial: rotate left for hot, right for cold. But how to turn the shower on? No helpful hints. Many frantic calls later, half of hotel management helped me PULL the sticky dial away from the wall. No surprise they finally blew the place up.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 5:14, Reply)

To Ken3005...
Re: “AusMark - 17 and a half caves. Excuse my ignorance, but I don’t get it. Sorry”:

The Check-pants wearing tourist asked "How many undiscovered caves are there?"
AusMark’s ex answers: "17 and a half"
Ignoramis replies "How can you have half a cave?"

Therefore the joke is that they have so far only noted 17 and half undiscovered caves – it will be 18 undiscovered caves when they get round to it.

(Mind you, it could be that for the tourist to ask how many “undiscovered caves” there are is a bit dim. If they are “undiscovered” how could anyone give a numerically exact answer?)
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 5:12, Reply)

My sister
once saw some free divers on TV. Puzzled she asked 'How do they breath?' answering her own question she came out with 'Oh, they must breath through their ears.' She was 19 at the time.
(Monki, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 3:23, Reply)

Working in the cinema...
...You get to hear a thing or two. First there's the "what's the difference?"

Man: Can I have some nachos please?
Me: Sure. Would you like cheese or salsa with your nachos?
Man: What's the difference?
Me: Well... One's kind of runny cheese sauce and the other is salsa.
Man: What's salsa?
Me: Well...

and

Chav: I'll have a popcorn combo.
Me: Sweet or salted popcorn?
Chav: What's the difference?
*cue all co-workers going off on 'coughing fits' while I try to keep a straight face*

Then the other week:
Woman: Excuse me, but I'm watching this Lemony Snicket, but there's no Lemony Snicket in it. It's only got Jim Carrey.

Man looking at my name badge: Is that your favourite film, Seven Samurai?
Me: One of them.
MLAMNB: Yeah, Tom Cruise is a great actor, isn't he?

And just for the sake of it, I'll mention this randomly overheard sentence one girl was saying to another in a Greek restaurant: "So, if someone tried to chop the head off, you wouldn't mind?"
( vanja, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 2:43, Reply)

Gigerpunk,
that reminds me. I have a twin brother. I'm a girl.

"So are you two identical?"
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 2:05, Reply)

My superviser
once spent 20 minutes looking in a tiny cupboard for a non-existant product on a Monday morning because us Saturday staff had left a note instructing her to do so...
You would have thought she'd have realised it was a joke from they way said note also featured pictures of flowers, sheep and smiling suns, was signed "Love from Steven, Jenna and Tammy xxxxxx" and had a footnote reading "Caution: the scenario outlined above may or may not be fictional."

Bless her.
( Malchick, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 1:10, Reply)

dumb question
"what street is the pier street car park on?"
(spasm Caitifty, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 1:07, Reply)

Ice Cubes
I was sitting in the staff room moaning about a bar stock count in the Bingo hall where I used to work. A lovely Scottish lady by the name of Kitty asked if she could help. With a flash of rare inspiration, I told her it would be great if she could count the ice cubes in the machine for me.

"Why do we need to count them?" she asked. I was stumped.

A colleague came to my rescue with the sublime, "To make sure it's working at optimum efficiency"... Good lad! We had formed a tag team.

"But won't they melt?" she wailed.

"Nah... You only lose about 20 per cent through melting," I told her, remebering a line from the seminal movie Brewster's Millions, "so we can adjust for that later."

Imagine my glee when I walked into the bar about 20 minutes later to discover her on her knees with a bin bag filled with ice cubes.

"But it keeps making more!"

Bless.
(Pocketjob, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 1:04, Reply)

Wrong on so many counts!
My ex-girlfriend was working in a sandwich shop at the time, and this clanger came from her *ahem* manager.

'Twas near the 14th of February, and the manager told my girlfriend "This week's Valentine special is going to be a ciabatta sandwich, Vienesse finger and hot chocolate", to which my girlfriend looked confused and asked why. The reply?

"It's all Italian, isn't it! And Italian is the language of love."

Nice going. Offending the Austrians, Italians and French in one go.


Another one which was all wrong, the same girl's mother was seen in town pushing a small child she was looking after in a pushchair. A woman looked at the baby, then at the minder - and commented that "Your mother would have been so proud!"

*Not* her daughter, and her mother was still very much alive.
( Druid, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 0:42, Reply)

Scotch
I was at a party once, at a friends house.
The host is showing off his collection of whisky's and tells a little story about each bottle. He got to his favorite bottle and said "now this is rare 12 year old scotch whisky"
after which one of the guests replies "oh, you better check if it is still good after all those years."

D'oh !
(Bokbiertrol, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 0:27, Reply)