Tech support part 2
Working in tech support means I sometimes deal with people with *ahem* interesting names. For example, the other day, I spoke to a lass with the last name of Taleban, who mentioned she was leaving her job. I asked if she was going to go out with a bang. Whoops...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:58, Reply)

I work in tech support
And one of the duties involves going through the email and working on those. All fine and good one morning, when I noticed an email which began

"I'm so sorry, I appear to have a cock up my end".
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:57, 1 reply)

Mario
Mario told me this story himself. When he first came to England from Sicilly, he did gardening jobs to make a living. One day, the lady who he was gardening for, who was quite tasty and middle class, asked him if he knew anything about gutters as she needed someone to go up a ladder.

Mario, knew enough English to get to work on the task. It took him maybe two hours to clear her blocked gutters (no... we're not there yet) and then he went to report that the job was done.

She asked Mario what he wanted for the work. Mario said "I take sex". The lady quite stunned, asked Mario if he was sure. Mario insisted "Yes. I do good job, you give me sex".

This went on for a while, and in the end she agreed, took his hand and lead him through the house and started to take him upstairs...

The penny dropped... and hurriedly he explained "No lady... I usually charge TEN but for you, I do it for SEX pounds".

I disputed his chain of events. Any real Italian would have boned her first, then asked for the money!
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:53, Reply)

Macclsefield Hardware...

(Neddy Nedson is nice really, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:42, 3 replies)

Morning has broken
"I woke up at the crack of Dawn this morning" did my mate once innocently exclaim. Dawn being the name of his wife.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:40, Reply)

Dirty toy!
Hello

Long time lurker first time poster! Right, this is kind of related to this subject, in other words it's not something I said.

When the first Lord of the Rings came out I was at uni and got all excited in a geeky way about elves, hobbits and the like. Me and my friend both bought some of the action figures. I got a couple of hobbits and a cave dwelling creature, and he bought Boromir and the bad guy who kills him in the film.

We went to the pub on our way home from town to admire our new purchases, and to get a few pints in before going out that night. He unpacked Boromir and was fiddling about with a button he had on his back. Me, being the sensible one picked up the empty and read the instructions for exactly what he was supposed to do (he could move his arms and is head).

The final insturction on the box read something along the lines of "place the Horn of Gondor in Boromir's left hand and completely press the button. His head will turn to meet the rising horn".

Still makes me giggle now!
(helspet, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:39, Reply)

Oh how we laughed
.
To set the scene, I worked with a young guy - Alan - some time ago. Alan hadn't had the easiest of childhoods (his dad died, his mum hit the bottle, and he ended up being raised by his gran) but he had emerged pretty much unscathed.

So anyway, one morning, there's no sign of Alan. We were a little concerned, but not worried sick. Then the phone rang. It was his gran.

"Alan won't be in today. He was taken queer on the train. (Which conjured up an image of Scotrail sponsored child abuse - he looked about 14.) They've taken him to Falkirk Royal and they're talking about doing an indocrination. (This really raised eyebrows, but turned out to be "endoscopy" instead.) He was sicking up blood (hence the endoscopy) but the doctors think they can make him better."

The poor manager taking the call didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She managed to keep a straight face and assure his gran that Alan's job was in no danger.

In the fullness of time he returned to work, having never discovered why he was vomitting blood and much leg pulling ensued. Good lad that he was, he laughed louder than anyone at the thought of being maliciously buggered on the way to work.

If he's reading this - and he displayed some very b3tard-like humour as he settled in - I'd just like to say one thing.

Alan, remember when we used to take turns to buy cream cakes and you'd always hold yours up (oo er) and ask if anyone "wanted your cherry"? You were fooling no-one, mate. There isn't a 20 year old lad alive who doesn't know what that means. We weren't laughing with you, we were laughing at you. And you knew it!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:35, Reply)

My Dad used to recount the story of his first wife...
She was a well proportioned woman from what I have been told not over weight but would probably be a bit too top heavy to be a tight rope walker...

Anyway, one day they had a sales man round trying to flog them a new line of goods for the local village shop she used to run (think happy shopper stuff) and he was sat in the front room to talk to my dad while she went off to make the tea.

Well, the conversation is all very pleasant between this sales man and my father and there nattering away when in walks violent sorry I mean Violet, crosses her arms and asks at the top of her voice:

"So what do you think of my tits then?"

She was always proud of the amount of birds that flocked to the feeding table out side the front window...
( weekendsession, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:33, Reply)

Car number plates
Usually car number plates read something like G678 PLK or something similar. Occasionly you see it reversed, so it wouild read KLP 876G (althoug i've not seen one like that for a long time).

Anyway, on with the tale...........

After a hard nights drinking and smoking I hopped on the bus back to my sleepy little village (I was all of 18ish at the time). I hopped off the bus to walk the 30seconds to home and bed. Me and mate saw 2 cars parked at the end of the road. Looking at the cars the number plates read (and this isn't the exact number obviously but the last 3 letters are EXACTLY what we saw) G123 NOB. The car across the road read END 321G

So yup, we saw quite a large nob end in the road :)
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:31, Reply)

Not really accidental but...
Davros' Granddads' story about J&J reminded me of this, it's not really accidental, but it's still great! Apologies to those who've seen it all before.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps0XcxrWc7M
(Magoo222, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:28, 3 replies)

Telling jokes in work
My manager came out with "What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with the light on, but not with a hard on."

Then I popped up from behind my desk, and said, "Oooh, I've got one..."

Took me a couple of minutes to realise why everyone was laughing.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:24, Reply)

One night this week I was sitting with a mate in my room when my dad came in...
handed me a packet of Cigarettes and on the way out uttered:

"Now you will make sure and give that young girl one at some point tonight!"

We contained our laughter until he left, thing is I know my dad and I am pretty sure he wasn't on about the cigs :P
( Bamboo Steamer, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:23, Reply)

On the bus
When I was about 3 (I don't remember this, but my dad insists on telling it frequently) we used to live in London. One day my dad took me to Oxleas Wood on the bus.

In those days I didn't always wipe my arse properly (come on, I was three) and as such used to get 'nappy-rash'. So there we are, sat on the top deck of a double-decker bus with a big rasta guy sat behind us, when I pipe up with:

"DADDY, I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO THE WOODS, MY BOTTOM HURTS!"

Everyone stared at him.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:23, Reply)

Kit Kat Anyone?
I was 16 at the time and on holiday with my best mate and his mum and dad. We were sitting around in the sun and Mrs S decided she was a little peckish and produced a kit kat. After breaking the foil, she then proceeded to ask me if I would like a finger - needless to say everyone pissed themselves with laughter. I'm still not sure if she was talking about the chocolate!
(Hugh.G.Rection Brother to Clendrix......., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:19, Reply)

from my mothers lips
My mum was telling all us kids about how policemen were respected and feared by the youth of her day...

"When I was a kid a policeman fingered me and I shit myself!"

-----------
one time i was with a female work colleague looking through photos of a recvent event...

her: "that guy looks like a beaver!"

me: "(noticing he was bald) ha! yes, a shaved beaver."

cue sniggering from the work placement lad.

-------------

another occasion with a female work colleague...

her: "massages are great, they're really relaxing"

me: "ooh i dont know if i'd like it - i'd be stiff as a board for a start"

------------------

on a first date, demonstrating my fatherhood potential...

"i've got three nephews, they're a good laugh, i like playing with little boys"
(westhead, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:13, 1 reply)

Call-centre shenanigans
I've been in and out of shitty call centre jobs for pretty much my entire working life. It's always the same - once you've been in a job for a while you start to feel trapped, like you're in a deep, dark hole. You start to feel like you need to pull out and find another one. But then your CV starts to swell, growing larger and larger, and it becomes more and more difficult to get out of the hole. Soon, you just feel like you're going to explode, like you need a release, but the holes just keep on pulling you back in. It doesn't help that the managers are all massive pricks - a bit of power, and their head swells to massive proportions. They're all about the corporate message - always ramming it down your throat. Deviate from the message and you'll find yourself being disciplined - locked in a small room, going at it hammer and tongs, sometimes for over an hour.

Yes, life as a call-centre monkey is pretty shit, but it's not all bad. Whilst working in customer services for a major mobile company, I overheard the following exchange (the customer was having trouble with their phone, and Gary was asking them to remove the SIM card)

Gary: "If you can just get it out for me, sir. Are you having trouble? Yes, it can be quite hard. I always find it's hard when I try and get mine out. Well, you just keep on fiddling about with it. Take your time, you don't want to break it."

There were a couple of sniggers from the surrounding desks. Gary glanced up and winked at me - I hoped it was in a 'Watch me wind up this customer' kind of way, and not a 'See me in the toilets later, big boy' kind of way.

Gary: "So, you've got it out? Okay, now give it a wipe - we don't want any dust on it - and stick it back in. You might need to kind of force it in there. Yeah, it can be tricky. Make sure you're putting it in the right slot. We don't want to get it in the wrong slot - that could seriously mess things up."

There are now gales of laughter surging around Gary, and he is struggling to keep his composure. To be fair, he's holding it together pretty well, with only the odd chuckle escaping.

Gary: "Now, get it turned on. Yep, we'll just wait while it powers up. Okay, and if you can pull up the 'settings' menu for me. Have you got it up yet?"

At which point he put the customer on mute and burst out laughing. After the laughter subsided, he managed to explain the customer had answered, "I'm having some trouble" in a quavering voice, and his wife had shouted "Do you need a hand dear?" in the background.

Mr Greenwood, if you're reading this, thank you for brightening up an otherwise dull day. I hope you did get it up eventually...
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:12, 1 reply)

Very similar to Freddy Woo's....
But funny all the same.
I used to work in a very posh pharmacy called Rimmington's in Bradford City Centre. It was very old skool and posh and you practically had to have elocution lessons just to work there.
One of my colleagues, Tracey, suffered from very dry lips and on one occaision when I had called her over to help me with something and she shouted back in a very loud voice:
"One moment, I just need to put some vasoline on my crack!!"
I just couldn't help but howl with laughter!
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:12, 4 replies)

"Expertsexchange.com", "Penisland.net" and "Therapistfinder.com" have all undergone name changes.
I wonder why?
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:11, 3 replies)

Science in-your-end-oh! (pt.6)
The latest on the interferometer that was the subject of pt.5.

Well, we left it on the optical bench in the lab so its box could receive a thorough pumping before we went in and turned it on. Unfortunately, despite all this, it still wasn't behaving as it ought to. Thus, we were forced to take the top off to gain access to the delicate components within. We thought at one point we might have to open up the bottom to gain access to the motor. That wasn't necessary in the end, but we did slap a sticky resin over the components, which should harden up nicely overnight so I can go in there and fire things up tomorrow morning.

I realise I also forgot to mention the polariser - it's built onto a very fine membrane. Unfortunately, we don't have any spares, and since it's crucial to the workings of the interferometer: "If we break the membrane, it's fucked."

Do let me know when you're all sick and tired of me plugging away at this one.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:07, Reply)

Accidental Innuendo
Dingbat: news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/world_cup_2006/4853182.stm
(Crowtyboy, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:06, Reply)

I find myself ruining innuendo...
...by taking it a bit too far with a reply.

Girlfriend and I have been given the mammoth task of cleaning a room in her house, full of crap.

Girlfriends mum : 'Are you two doing it yet?'
Me : 'Not yet, but give it 5 minutes.'


Girlfriend is getting ready for prom, and has to alter her dress slightly.

Girlfriend's mum : 'Has she taken in the back?'
Me : 'We tend to save that for times like my birthday'


Watching Amelie with girlfriend and her mum, telling her about a film festival me and girlfriend just came back from.

Me : 'We had such an amazing time, we really really enjoyed it-'
*Queue scene in Amelie where a bunch of people have orgasms*
Me : '-we didn't enjoy it THAT much, but it was still good.'

I dont think she likes me....
(bobman500 enjoys a grope as much as the next fella, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:04, 2 replies)

I just remembered this
So I’m camping with another girl and a boy. We borrowed a huge, ancient, orange tent from the 70’s, one of those with a brown groundsheet and inbuilt curtains to make “bedrooms”. The curtains have shrunk over the years and resemble handkerchiefs but no matter, we don’t need privacy, we all know each other well and we’re camping. It’s a hot sultry evening and I’m getting changed in my corner of the ancient orange beast. I slip off my top. I unhook my bra and oh, how nice, a cool breeze. Then a voice from nearby – “Those are nice titties!”

Was it a passing perv?

No…

It was my four-year old godson, who was colouring in some kitties, and I’m going deaf.

Worst thing was I shot out of the tent in mortification, forgot I was semi-naked, and his mum, who was pissing herself laughing at what she had just overheard, took one look at me and said "Wow! They ARE nice kitties!"
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:04, 1 reply)

I tend to
always be chewing gum, biting my nails, eating, sucking on random things (straws, paper clips, pencils etc..)

One day a friend of mine pointed this out.

I replied with "Yeah you're right, dunno why though. Guess I just like having things in my mouth."

I meant it in an innocent way though!!!
( Mellicious is made of candy, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:02, 1 reply)

working in kitchens...
I was told to clean the shelves with some spray thingy and wipe them down.

Asking if that method was appropriate for the shelves with the bowls on I unthinkingly uttered:

"so yeah shall I just go for the standard squirt and rub?"

woo, yay, first post, etc
(Bunbury, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:01, Reply)

KY Jelly is made in Maidenhead.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:00, 1 reply)

And another!
We were on the Waendel walk (prizes for any of you that have heard of it)and my friends doesn't like the texture of onions but likes the taste of them. We bought hot dogs and she asked me:

"Do you mind if I rub my sausage over your onions?"

That was 3 years ago and it still makes me giggle stupidly every time I remember.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:59, 2 replies)

Another one for Macclesfield!
We have a lingerie shop just up the road from the train station (and the previosuly mentioned S&M Supplies).

'Thong in Cheek' hee hee
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:58, 1 reply)

Ring pieces
I work for a classical music magazine. A while ago, an opera house in Sweden hosted a new production of Wagner's Ring of the Nibelung (of Penetrating Wagner's Ring fame). This was quite a big deal, so one of our contributors in Sweden covered it for us. Now, this guy obviously speaks perfect English, but sometimes he lacks knowledge of British slang. Which is how one of my colleagues ended up receiving an email from him saying:

"Please let me know the date by which you would like to see my Ring piece"
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:58, Reply)

in a bar
getting lunch with some friends. one of my mates was about to go and see that be kind rewind film. we asked him what the plot was, he got as far as saying "its about these two guys"

when someone blurted out "2 guys 1 cup" and we all fell off our chairs
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:55, Reply)