Names
As far as Oriental names go my school is a veritable gold mine of innuendo. The first part of one boy's name is "Yue Ho", on top of this there's a boy called "Ming Wan Ko"... his sister is called "Wiz Wan Ko"
... none of them have noticed the humour
(RainbowVein, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 22:22, Reply)

about 5 years ago
My friends and I were discussing cycling up to the local woods to mess around. As we were only 13, one of our group was reluctant to leave the village for fear of being raped.

"What about the Paedofiles?" he asked
"Screw the paedofiles" I said before thinking about what I had said.

Cue four 13 year old boys pissing themselves like, well, schoolboys.
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Sun 15 Jun 2008, 22:03, Reply)

I guess this is one...
Not a great one, but then most of them have been shite this week...

I was clearing out a cupboard at work that was full of old b/w monitors with various degrees of screen burn.

I'd got about ten of the damn things in a pile in my office, so I went to ask one of the van drivers if he could help me take them to the local municipal waste depot, as I was quite busy.

Asking a burly, moustachio'd 50-year-old man if he'd "Take me up the dump, quickly" was, perhaps not what I should have said...
( Cawl, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 22:03, 6 replies)

and thats why im not allowed to watch jamie at home anymore
*click*
(PaulGadd -, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 21:59, Reply)

just got back from
a weekend in Bath with my other half's sister and new bloke.

we were discussing the decoration in his house, particularly the feature wall with nice wallpaper on it.

my girlfriend had been silent during most of the conversation until there was a pause when she looked at the wallpaper, looked at her sister's bloke and said:

"Well hung"

Her sister and I proceeded to spit beer across most of the room...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 21:18, 5 replies)

on the way to the shops
me and a mate were writing a shopping list, and remembering that the levels of soap in the bathroom on the ground floor of our house was running low, she said:

"Oh yeah, we need to get some downstairs soap..."
(Ryuken-Kai, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 20:56, Reply)

My housemate
today was explaining why she had cut about a third off a large potato and put it with a small one. "Well, one was very big and the other was very small and I wanted to make them even!". Unfortunately she's very innocent and didn't quite understand when I started wetting myself laughing.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 20:41, 1 reply)

romeo and juliet essay
i was happily (as happy as anyone could be) writing a GCSE coursework piece when i suddenly realised that i had written Lord Capulet enters Juliet's chamber
(this_is_an_outrage saboo! you slag!, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 20:36, 1 reply)

I'm at University
and my University will award some students various titles (Scholar, etc) which come with associated perks.

One of the most common titles is "Exhibitioner". You have no idea how many times I've had to inform people that no, I am not an exhibitionist.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 20:29, 1 reply)

baby baby babeeeee-ah!
Back in those Our Price days when I was at Victoria Station one day...

For some reason we'd been having a Zep morning, (cutting edge huh?) and I had been singing along as you do. There was a lot of 'Baby since I been lovin' you' and the like, so the word was near the top of my consciousness. Now I've been working 'out the back' all day, so odd words and singing are not a problem but a sudden rush on the counter caused me to dash and help out my colleagues. I find myself serving a quiet oriental lass and at then conclusion of the transaction I ask her if she wants a bag for her purchase.

Only it came out as:
"Do you want a baby with that?"
Oh the mortified shame of it...
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 20:09, Reply)

Got wood?
Quite a short one this - Basicaly most of my family went to the same crappy secondry school, and we where looking through old photos of it - and we found one of the design tech rooms - anyway, my sister then says "Do you remember? That's where we used to stand to get wood"....
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 19:56, Reply)

Lost in Translation
Pea-roast from the "Being told off as an adult" QOTW

-----------------------------------------
I received one of the worst bollockings of my life when I went to work in Japan for a 3 month project.

My company was paying for everything, which was great. Unfortunately, the serviced apartment they had provided didn't contain any consumables so I had to venture out to the shops to buy some on my second night in town. I didn't speak any Japanese but my then-flatmate in London had supplied me with some essential phrases to help me get by. For anyone who's been to Japan, you will know that often shop staff don't speak any English at all. He tipped me off that many English words had been 'Japanglified', so if in doubt, guess by adding a vowel to the end. For example, McDonalds is Mac-Donald-O. Simple!

I went to the closest store and spent ten minutes hunting around the myriad of products, all in identical garishly-coloured plastic bags and all with cartoon characters or alien symbols explaining what was inside. It was hopeless, so I approached a middle-aged shop assistant and, in my best attempt at Japanglish said... "Soap-o wa doko desu ka?", as I hoped that would suffice for “Where is the soap?”

She looked shocked, presumably at my poor language skills so I repeated it more slowly. She muttered something at me and then spun around and disappeared into the back of the shop as I was preparing for my third attempt.

Feeling knocked back, I went round the shop again thinking that I might have more luck this time. I didn't, and after another few minutes of fruitless searching I remembered I had almost no cash on me. Japan is a cash-based economy. Even large stores sometimes don’t accept cards, but I didn’t know where the ATM machines could be found. I went back to my favourite assistant again and thought about a suitable word for ATM. It certainly wouldn’t be “A-T-M-o” so I settled on looking for the bank instead. “Bank-o wa doko desu ka?” I asked the lady, as she glared at me in silence. Nothing. I asked it again but before I could finish she started shouting, nay screaming at me. She slapped my arms a couple of times and continued with the most amazing tirade for what felt like minutes as I stood prostrate and unable to respond, before finally she ushered me out of the shop and slammed the door behind me. I’d no idea what had just happened, but sensing defeat, I went back to my apartment soapless and cash-poor.

The next morning at work I told my Japanese colleagues this tale. They chuckled as I recounted the erratic behaviour of this clearly-mad woman when I merely needed some soap, then my friend Hanada-san explained what had happened. It would seem that in Japan there are various ways for disgusting Gaijin to entertain themselves, one of which is the bathhouse, known locally as the “Soap-land-o”. It’s essentially a brothel, and the local vernacular for these establishments is “Soap-o”. I’d asked an ageing woman shopkeeper for directions to a whorehouse.

I continued with the anecdote and they practically fell off their chairs when I got to the second part. My voice is a litte nasal at times, so my attempt to locate the bank with ‘bank-o” was mistaken for another Japanese word, ‘manko’. To all intents and purposes, after failing to get the address of the local knocking shop, I’d asked this middle-aged woman “Manko wa doko desu ka”. This translates to “Where is your pussy?” so naturally she must have thought I was desperate enough to try it on with her as well.

Ironically, the next day I ended up going for a slightly dodgy massage in Roppongi, originally intended to relieve my jet lag. It ended up including a complementary (and really rather excellent) ‘happy ending’ from the very sweet girl who was giving it, apparently because she liked the look of me. So I am a disgusting Gaijin after all.

It wasn't so much the length I should have apologised for, more the mess.
-----------------------------------------
( chart cat has an itch, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 19:50, Reply)

Has anyone heard of a film...
called The Last Mimzy?
(bacontrout got ska, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 19:46, 2 replies)

My Havana Cigar
My Havana Cigar
The ladies all cheer when I wave it about
Cos it's 9 inches long
And 4 inches stout
The people all cheer when I bring it to town
Cos it's long and it's thick
And it costs half a crown
It's such a whopper
So get out your chopper
And clip off the tip of my chipper cigar!
(Vic Flange, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 19:31, Reply)

Probably not accidental, but made me laugh anyway
I've just got back from doing the London to Brighton bike ride (yay me!), and about halfway round saw a sign saying: "The Crown Pub 300yards: quick bum relief!"

Mind you, I'm so knackered I'd probably laugh at anything right now...
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 19:31, 6 replies)

100 foot road in Bangalore (or thereabouts)
(that might be an innuendo in itself) ...there is, or at least there was three years ago when I was last there, a sign saying "Dikshit".

Think it was the name of a carpenter or something who had a workshop there, always sniggered when I walked past it.
(Katabatic wasn't, and will never be on, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 19:25, Reply)

Titchfield Carnival
I went with a few mates to watch the annual carnival pass through the streets of Titchfield one year.

We were standing out in the cold (as per usual English tradition) watching the bands and floats pass by the crowds of kids and parents, and people like us.

One of the floats was for a mobile telecoms shop, and had a 20ft telephone mast on it.

The event commentator saw this and said "That must be the biggest erection we'll see all evening". Cue the stiffled laughter from the commentators box (fnarr) as well as those from the crowd who understood!
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 19:03, Reply)

Playing Kerplunk with Mr Maladicta
"Bend it, it'll fit in the hole then!"
"It's too stiff, it won't!"
"Push, woman!"
*hysterics, followed by quizzical look from non-b3tan boyfriend*

DAMN YOU QOTW. Now everything is rude to me.
( Maladicta, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 19:00, 3 replies)

God is a perv...
I was bored today, so I looked through my parent's library. In a section of -religious- books, I stumbled upon a particularly intriguing one. While I'm not religious or anything of the sort, my parents are, so I'm not surprised they didn't see the sexual innuendo when they bought this book. Well, unless it was my mom, in which case, she was probably disappointed when she read it.



Whilst browsing through the book I noticed this, and giggled to myself.



And because it's b3ta =)



Ahem. Excuse my lack of goatse-making abilities.
(Grass, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 18:38, 1 reply)

Ex Girlfriends mum liked to treat her Cat
She went into Tescos and asked a young shelf-stacker..

"I need some cream for my pussy?"

Poor lad was probably scared shitless as she was a big lass!
( Sheep in Socks it is illegal to take a lion to the cinema., Sun 15 Jun 2008, 18:37, Reply)

Speaking of Chinese names...
In the department where I work, I came across a file for one of our clients one day. The name on the file had to be seen to be believed. It was a Chinese gentleman. His name was...

WANG QIN LONG

I swear this is true.

I spent the rest of the day giggling.

I wonder if the man in question (who is living in the UK) has any clue?
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 18:20, Reply)

Two teachers at school
Miss Cox and Mr Lovatt. They got married. I overheard her having a conversation about whether to go double-barrelled, and if so, whether to be "Mrs Lovatt-Cox" or "Mrs Cox-Lovatt."

Needless to say, she ended up just taking his name.
(Pretty strangers and promises, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 17:55, 5 replies)

770 to leeds
one i spotted on the bus to leeds,
sex shop opposite the sony centre has a sign in the front window.

ADDITIONAL ENTRANCE AT REAR

made me giggle like a 5 year old, will try and find a pic.
(themanfromdelmonte, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 17:48, Reply)

woot!
not posted for a long time so be gentle.
i work for sainsburys, and as you can imagine at christmas time it gets pretty busy with everyone stocking up on stuff they'll never eat or use. everybody is rushing around, usually polite customers are miserable and surly, the miserable and surly customers are muttering and shouting at us for not having any goose fat. i'm heading toward the bakery carrying a sheaf of paperwork when i get grabbed by the arm by a stressed looking young woman who said very firmly and deliberately
"i want STUFFING!".
i would have done but i was very, very busy.
(themanfromdelmonte, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 17:43, Reply)

Would you like to see my pussy?
Slightly off topic, but look what I got yesterday:

Introducing Stealth


and Ninja


( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 17:21, 13 replies)

In Germany
I was in Germany with a group of friends a while ago.

We were, in truth, much too old and big and heavy and probably ugly to be using the playpark, but use it we did, with the kind of reckless abandon only seen in youths on holiday or the drunk bloke at every party with low self-esteem who ends up having to do every single thing he's dared.

Four of us were on the roundabout. Obviously, we thought it would be funny to spin it as fast as humanly possible in the hope that, with sufficient angular momentum, we might open a void in the universe, or at the very least, make someone sick. This didn't happen, but my gangly and mal-coordinated self did inadvertently let go and get cast in impressive fashion into a small heap some three metres from the roundabout. I like to think it was graceful, but it probably looked like a partially-peeled cheese string in a gale.

Having established that I was alright, my friends asked me, patronizingly, how exactly I managed to do that.

Still somewhat dazed, I replied, loudly:

'I just got tossed off!'

There was a moments pause, followed by a fit of priapistic giggles.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 17:07, Reply)

Chinese names
my mate at uni lived next door to a Chinese student who had taken the English name "Francis" - but as the sign on his door told us, his original Chinese name was "See Kok Long"...oh how we laughed about that one...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 16:39, Reply)

i'm doing what at my desk?!
at the bank where i work, we cut the clearing checks into batches to make them easier to work with. each person takes a batch until everything is balanced, but occasionally, there is a problem in one that has to be corrected that isn't always apparent.

co-worker #1 walked up to me as i was in a batch, and asked me if i was in the second batch, because there had been a problem with it she wanted me to be aware of.

co-worker #2, with new child at home and used to hearing baby talk, overheard and exploded into laughter. co-worker #1 and i both looked at him with our heads cocked sideways, unaware of what was so damn funny. apparently, without even realising it, our brief conversation had gone like this:

cw1 (in a kind, motherly manner): are you doing number two?
me: yes.

obviously, cw2 thought i had just admitted to poo'ing myself at my desk instead of what batch i was in. ...and i still laugh when i think about it.
( mayonessa, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 16:35, Reply)

reflex action
I don't know if this is innuendo but it is a social cock up that i was reminded of on reading the question so here it goes.

I was at this bbq with a bunch of people i didn't know and one particular person i didn't like, as he stood around by the grill outside generally full of himself and getting cockier still. well the friend hosting the bbq was doing it at her mother's house and her mother could not help moving about trying to get stuff done. He was mocking everybody around him.
Enter mother to ask him a favour. Although she had trouble finding the right words for it as she stuttered to ask him for a hand
"sorry there. Could you do me a...would you do me a... would you do me a...?"
So instead of prompting the right word out of her or assuming it he said,
"Eh...no i wouldn't do you" finishing with a smile at which point everybody in the party went quiet.
Does innuendo count if it's intentional?
(jimmyhoffascorpse, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 16:24, Reply)

At teh pwel hall
I was playing pool with one of my friends last night at Rileys. He has just fowled and I wanted to pot a ball behind the line and get it to screw back so I didn't fowl myself. I messed it up and my friend pointed out what I did wrong and told me what to do. Eventualy I ended up in the same situation again and working upon my friends advice I knew what I had to do. I turned and said to him...

"I'll make sure I follow through this time"

and then I realized!
(Rt Hon Quargflax, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 16:03, Reply)