one from B3ta
In response to my first ever B3TA posting, (which was actually posted by my boss in my name the Twunt)some kindly soul posted the response "Ham toucher". which we still use around the office and it still makes us giggle.
I am also old enough to remember the Blue Peter insult. Ya bunch of Joeys
(The Hooded Bean is in my pants Can't resist a Fanny/Tranny Joke, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 8:52, Reply)

School...
Mongtard

Simple, yet conveys everything you could possibly want to know...
(gjb006, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 8:48, Reply)

In response to pooflake
My sister on meeting one of my girlfriends firstime called her to her face a cracadillymunterpig (my sister was 21) strangely enough I became single at high speed
(Syndex, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 8:46, Reply)

Gibbo Insults
In Gib we have the proto chav the vratha who once told my friend in an insulting tone 'your mother can read' cue much side splitting.

I personally am a big fan of fucktard, fucktowel, cuntrag and shitmonkey

Legnth a bit short for a first post
(Syndex, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 8:44, Reply)

smash monkey reminded me of this...
I was recently asked to describe the atrractiveness quality of a 'lady' (whose identity shall remain a secret). My response was:

"She looks like a cross between a 'Rhinogahog' and a 'Hippopotapig'."
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 8:43, Reply)

you smell poo
was the cry of my college friends mentally handicapped brother. We all thought it was apretty cool insult and used it ourselves for many a year. Even now, about 14 years later I still occasionally tell someone that they smell poo.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 8:33, Reply)

Spanglish
"hijo de una playa" (son of a beach).
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 7:51, Reply)

Some personal favourites..
Gaylord (timeless classic),
mong,
fucktard,
pillow-biter,
dung-muncher,
anal-fist-swallower,
turd-burglar,
fucking-useless-cum-receptacle (women LOVE that one),
spak-tard,
gee-bag (thanks to the Irish for that one)...
and lastly from Coming to America: You diseased rhinoceros pizzle.

I'm currently living in Japan and the joy of calling my very "special" students any number of these is indescribable.
(Bifta, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 7:51, Reply)

Cock Juggling ThunderCunt
Ive always liked that one, even before that movie :)
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 7:47, Reply)

Insults
My mate described two midgets in a nightclub as "fucking genetic disasters". Cue a group of 10 lads pissing their sides, whilst these two disasters danced merely 10 yards away.

I once told a mate to "shut the fuck up, or i'll cut your head off and rape your esophagus!"
(TinyDinosaur, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 7:22, Reply)

I'm not homophobic
but I keep coming up with names for gayers. They may not be very funny but they make me laugh:

Welsh Kock Docker (for people who drink WKD)
Bum Bully
Blue on Blue (Iraq war inspired... as in 'he likes a bit of blue on blue')
Friendly Fire (same as above)

there are more but they escape me at present

Fuck you you cumguzzling donkey punch is also something I seem to say a lot.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 7:19, Reply)

One I gleamed from a McDonalds manager
"I'm going to invent a time machine, travel forward in time and rape your kids!"

Had me in stitches for about an hour!
(LukeHarrison says, "Your taste in music is shit!", Fri 5 Oct 2007, 7:00, Reply)

The curse of Blue Peter
My wife Jo goes fucking ballistic if i call her 'Joey"

Any child of the early 80's will know why she does.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 6:41, Reply)

Whiteninjacomics.com
I'd rather wear pants made of beestings!
(Sammyj, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 6:26, Reply)

You fucking lembit
Used by me on nearly everyone i meet.

Everyone finds it funny until you explain it, then its not as funny.
(Stuster is a dirty little rat bag, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 6:21, Reply)

Mr Ribface
My boyfriend went psycho when I called him Mr. Ribface.

I wasn't using a tone or anything. It really pushes his buttons for some reason.

I think he's reading too much into it... like an english teachers finding metaphors where there aren't any.

Oh, and Diddlemonger is a favourite of mine: aka, purveyor of fine Diddles.
(Sammyj, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 5:55, Reply)

Gwendoline
during an argument with my ex, i shouted "shut up, you fucking Gwendoline!"
i have no idea where it came from, i just opened my mouth and the words fell out. he is now convinced that being called a Gwendoline is a bad thing, despite the fact that i wouldn't tell him what it meant. i couldn't, i didn't know!
i still call him it when i see him, it pisses him right off.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 4:09, Reply)

penis wrinkle
Has always been a favorite of mine since I was but a child. It's so straight-forward and employs a well-defined, yet somehow unexpected visual. Vintage insult.
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 3:53, Reply)

Minda
Only people from Adelaide, South Australia would know that Minda is a home for the intellectually handicapped and also one of the most enduring childhood insults, as in "you're such a minda!".
Of course once you're past about 12 years old you pretty much stop saying that so I (in my 40s and having moved out of Adelaide 20 years ago) had almost completely forgotten the word.
So a couple of weeks ago, I actually stopped dead in my tracks and laughed for about two minutes straight when leaving a work-related function and I passed a very senior executive who like me had grown up in Adelaide.
"See you later," he cries as I wave from the door, followed by "YA MINDA!.
( difficultchild, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 3:41, Reply)

GIRLPANTS
It's origin lies in the Cramp Twins. Cartoon Netwrok i think. And on a similar note, if someone wants to do a 'Bang Face' style remix of the theme to 'Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends', then please do so.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 3:40, Reply)

Gleaned from b3ta
Have taken to using the term: "Face like a smacked arse." Thank-you so very much for that.
(Harleif Skankhammer II was killing time at, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 3:31, Reply)

Drive a Car up your mother's vagina
is apparently the biggest insult in armenian...but i think the person that told us that was having us on.
my favourite at the moment is 'numpty', because in Sydney, not many people know what the hell you're calling them yay!
(charlottebronte stalking through the moors, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 3:01, Reply)

Re. Bamboo Steamer, dave likes cheese
(Names like insults, cor!)


"Go put a ticket on a helicopter!" -
If, say, you're a bobby, and you see a car that's parked illegally , where do you put the ticket?

On the windshield...
(Swellington Please rebel against my orders., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 2:44, Reply)

unsweary
my mate has a habit of finding new things to call me without actually swearing. due to a) me being overweight, b) him watching Malcolm in the Middle and c) me being called Nicola, he has come up with his current favourites: Nickopotamus and Moby Nick. cunt.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 2:10, Reply)

I don't think it counts too much.
But I know all the words to "Uncle Fucker" and enjoy singing it whenever I'm bored.


Shut your fucking face uncle fucker, you're a cock-sucking, ass-licking uncle fucker. It's great when teachers hear.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 1:59, Reply)

Attempted Insult.....?
Some little chavs (about 5 or 6 years old I guess) on a bike went past looking at me and shouted "GAYLORDS RULE".
Erm... well quite.
(Ian_Ex_Machina Has nothing better to do, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 1:58, Reply)

Bizarre
Just remembered these couple of bizarrely amusing, but entirely acurate insults... they still give me the giggles now:

In the comments to this YouTube vid, someone posted simply "Nice Head, Dr Roboto":
uk.youtube.com/watch?v=owAj5LiXG5w

Then, apparently a good while later, and presumably by the same person: "when did your head get so... un-blocky?" to this one: uk.youtube.com/watch?v=bovqigvK_sQ
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 1:55, Reply)

"Starchidia mu"
My all-time favourite was found in a greek phrasebook as opposed to heard, but it always amused me - "starchidia mu". Apparently it means "on my balls", shortened from "I'll write it on my balls", and meaning "what you're telling me is so trivial, that's as much note as I am prepared to make". Myself, I think I'd have to find something pretty damn important to take actually take a bic to a bollock, but maybe that's just me?

My general day to day insults are a fairly unimaginative set of 'fuckwit', 'fuckwad', 'fucknut', 'fuckhead' (spotted the theme yet?) and 'numpty', but occasionally something b3ta-worthy pops out without warning. 'Cockbadger' being the only one I can recall.
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 1:34, Reply)

Poop dog
One of my pals had to go to a kiddies birthday party and, acording to him one of the worst things you can be called is a 'poop dog'.
Six months later, he still cries about it.
( The Duke of Prunes, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 1:18, Reply)