Mom-related non-insults
My friends and I often get into your-mom politeness wars. Example:

"Your /mom/ is a charming and gracious woman who bakes delicious pastries and shares them with all the children."
"Well /your/ mom is a vivacious go-getter who's not afraid of a challenge... from my penis."

The generic your-mom reply ("Let's go to the store." "Your mom goes to the store.") is popular to the point of absurdity here. I once told a perfectly innocuous story that ended with something my mom said. A friend's reply: "Your mom.... is my mom."
(tinyninja, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:13, Reply)

I'm too nice to swear...
...but you're just an Arse-knuckle.

I find I rely on the word "Custard" as a sweary with great frequency. It's a benign combination of Cunt and Bastard, and it's ideal for work.
(Boodicka, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:10, Reply)

The weirdest insult I ever received
I was out shopping with a friend once. She was getting a bit tired and fractious.

We were in the underwear department when I happened to comment on a fabric pattern on a bra. "It looks like wallpaper" I said.

"So do you!" was my friend's angry response.

Seriously, wallpaper?
(Pachey, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:09, Reply)

Girls..
.

If you *really* want to insult a man just say, during sex :

"Is it in?"

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:09, Reply)

Kiwis and Welshmen.
.
When you call someone a sheepshagger be ready for the retort:

"We fuck 'em - you eat 'em...."

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:08, Reply)

Getting a chance to use a fantastic insult...
crops up rarely i find. However, the perfect opprtunity arose during a sales meeting at the firm i work for.

Imagine 20+ salesman in a room all of whom think they are an erudite mix of Ned Sherrin and Blackadder when it comes to taking the piss.

I was having a disagreement with one of the said chaps when he decided to skip all of the preamble and go straight for the nuclear arsenal of insults. So, in front of everyone and bearing in mind you could hear a pin drop, he delivers in a deadpan voice.

"You are a CUNT"

I smiled and replied "I know. I believe the saying is you are what you eat. Which would make you a dogs cock" delivered in the same bored tone. After several seconds of uncomfortable silence he started to form a half arsed retort and i just spoke over him in the same bored voice

"I used to fuck guys like you in prison"

I have never seen a grown man fight back tears like that since i accidentally shot my father with an air rifle. Happy Days.

Oh and my cock is average.
(Flinglish, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:00, Reply)

From my wife...
fed up with my moaning about a tooth abcess

"stop whining you fat faced fucker"

another favourite - "Cockchafer", from Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis
(oi oi saveloy, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:59, Reply)

Reviews!
On Florence Henderson's performance: "Her singing voice was positively adequate!"

On Steven Segal: "His expression never changes- he looks like he bit into a rotten peach and broke a tooth in the process."

On the second "Charlie's Angels" movie: "It's like having Arnold Schwartzenegger in Terminator mode force-feeding you your favorite foods."
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:57, Reply)

Uggos
It looks like someone set fire to their face and put it out with a spade.
(fatcock has decided to be more mysterious.....or has he?, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:57, Reply)

I think I had the best one ever.
Back in my mispent days as a student, we were all sat in the halls one evening, when we heard outside that some rapscallians were shouting abuse at us. Literally. We looked outside and about five lads were there, shouting "Abuse! Abuse!".

I have to give it to them, it was creative.
(LordMatthius http://www.justgiving.com/marathon-matt2009, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:55, Reply)

Reviews
Some of the best insults seem to come from film critics. My personal favourite was aimed at Jim Carey's film 23: "Jim Carey gives the worst performance of his or indeed any actor's career"
(leningradcowboy, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:54, Reply)

The best way to really insult/enrage someone
Is to call them irritating, tedious or boring. Tedious works best though.

Not only does it rapidly deflate their own ego, but it places you on the moral highground for not swearing and shows that you find them boring and are therefore not a boring person yourself. Win!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:52, Reply)

insult lore
Seems to me that the best and most effective insults have to meet specific criterai:

1) Must be short and pithy.
2) Must be tailored specifically to the insultee. Anyonne can be called a mong - it's too generic.
3) Swearing should be carefully controlled. Too much and the insult is lost.
4) Ephemeral terms should be avoided - does anyone use "smeg" anymore (apart from IT technicians)?
5. An entirely new insult is always better than one you've heard and used a million times.

The best insult I've heard recently is one levelled at the partnership of Jamie Cullum and Sophie Dahl: "The New Krankies". Perfect.
(Fothermucker, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:52, Reply)

Pinging an Email
After too many phrases like "Ping me an Email" and "Can I borrow your sticky-thing" (referring to a USB Memory Stick) we decided to ask our Boss about his inability to use the proper technical terms. As we develop computer software, it always pains us when colleagues fail to understand technology or how to talk technically.

He claimed that we'd all speak like him one day, to which one of my friends replied "Not before a Lobotomy I wont!". That shut him up well and proper.
(Demoniac, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:50, Reply)

Some more...
C*nt-Face
Monkey-Spanker
Monkey-Spunker
Knob-Jockey
Pizza-Face (an oldie I know)
Dog-Faced-Camel
(Bad_Dogg, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:47, Reply)

Can't remember where I heard this one
But I like it anyway.

"He's so thick he couldn't find his arse with both hands tied behind his back".
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:47, Reply)

From my wife
"Are you some kind of retard!?"

Made me laugh.
(frankspencer, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:44, Reply)

Furious four-year-old
One of my sisters was so furious with me for going out without her one day that she climbed into the cupboard under the stairs and shouted "I'm going in here and I'm not coming out until you come back, so NUR...BIGKNICKERS". We still find this a useful all-purpose insult.

The climbing into a cupboard as a way of punishing another family member never caught on though.
(racheinderbys, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:39, Reply)

From the Simpsons
After Homer's crappy Halloween tale, Grampa retorts.

"Homer, I've coughed up scarier things than that"
(Vic Flange, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:38, Reply)

The British
are blessed for creative slang insults. I think my favourites all refer to the mentally deficient.

"Funda", short for "fundamentalist" because of the word it contains.

"Dribbly"

"Cluck-cluck-gibber-gibber" makes me giggle like a loon every time I hear it.
( Kroney, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:37, Reply)

From Mrs. Kite
"You useless piece of Dogshit"

Quite.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:35, Reply)

A Kiwi comeback:
On being called a sheep shagger, he responded with this:

Well you can go fuck yourself, you Pommy git, not my fault you have to walk a hundred miles to find a field, let alone a sheep.
Just because I can jump the back fence and plough unfettered into a fresh ewe, no need to be bitter about it.
( gypsy turnips, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:33, Reply)

Nicked
Can't remember if it's from Royle Family or Early Doors, but I've nicked it for my own repertoire:

"If you were any thicker, you'd set"
(titusyouclown, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:33, Reply)

"I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you"
HEY! there's insults and then there's just being mean...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:32, Reply)

Bennies
was the prolific insult in the early '80's in the Falkland Islands. A term reserved for the inhabitants during the Falklands conflict named after the wonderful character in the old soap Crossroads. The Commanders then expressly forbade any serviceman from referring to them in such an insulting manner. The name got quickly changed to Stills.

Still Bennies
(lordy lordy, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:30, Reply)

Truculent simians
You can call them truculent simian cunts if you want to put some turbo on it, but I prefer it vanilla.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:28, Reply)

Enzyme
Well spotted *guffaws*
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:26, Reply)

commodore modesty
"Ineducated"?

*guffaws*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:23, Reply)

From b3ta a few weeks ago
I can't remember which QOTW it was, nor who posted it: but if it was you who gave the world "turdstrangling fuckgargle", I am in your debt.

Kudos, mitzvahs and all that stuff on your fragrant little head. You wobbling jellyminge.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:22, Reply)

For dirty gays
Spunkbucket
(garetha, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:21, Reply)