Peni
That looks just like a penis, only smaller.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 10:12, Reply)

Minge related insults
Some of my favourite twat related phrases;

Like...a wizard's sleeve...a horse's collar...a yawning hippo...a badly packed kebab...a pig with it's throat cut. Piss flaps like John Wayne's saddlebags. Flaps like a Lancaster's bomb bay doors.

To describe uninspiring sex. It was like waving a sausage in the Channel Tunnel. (Naval one) It was like waving your kit bag in a dry dock. I nearly strapped a plank to my arse.

She was so hairy, she had a crab ladder all the way up to her belly button.

BTW, all large and unkempt ladies pubic areas should be called pant beards. As in 'Jesus, that pant beard could do with a bit of strimming.'
(Juan - King of Donkeys shut the fuck up on, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 10:05, Reply)

Chris Morris
"Brass eye" I think..

Arsecandle.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 9:34, Reply)

As a kid
I was about6 YO and I remember getting a slap on my legs and being told to sit on the step for calling my mum an "old Bugger". Weve made up now though.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 9:00, Reply)

always works
The word "special" added in to a sentence, said in that semi-sarcastic/caring/condescending way that teachers cultivate.
As in "Are you special"? "Do you need your special things to feel better"? "Was your school Special"? etc etc
We even have a guy at work who (thanks to the Captain, yours truly) is now known as "Special Simon".
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 8:47, Reply)

Somewhat self referential
Two of my favorites are from here: twunt and fucksocks. Actually, I think twunt is from Scaryduck.

My absolut fave of all time that makes me giggle like a wee girlie every time I say it is from the movie "Brother From Another Planet"

Weaseldick motherfucker.

Oh yeah, and "douchewaffle" from Christopher Moore.


Edit: Holy Moly, only three days and we have 33 pages worth of good swears? That is awesome. You Brits always come through!
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 8:39, Reply)

A little more high class
No swears in this one so feel free to use it on your gran.

You're like a person, only different...

And as someone adds Sticks to thiers I add Blanket

Cock Blanket
Shit Blanket
Fuck Blanket

It seems to just make it a little sweeter.
(rockers74 killed a man in Reno just to watch him die., Sun 7 Oct 2007, 8:38, Reply)

Arse
Upon seeing a rough or dodgy behind - a la tight trousers and big arse:

"It's like two ferrets fighting in a sack!"

Its too early dammit
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 6:01, Reply)

I once got called
'a creepy geek'

It really hit home.

At the same time it was because I had my pc's network name set as 'PROTEUSIV'.

If you get the reference, you know what to click.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 3:42, Reply)

Spike Milligan
One of Milligan's books describes something as being "about as funny as a dead baby". Which I thought was awesome and used a lot.

Then I remembered that, given enough distance, dead babies are extremely funny, so now I describe unfunny things as "significantly less funny than a dead baby".
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 3:28, Reply)

one more
from Brass Eye:

"I'll muck your lens, you gay sod"
(Dr Teeth Who asked you, you fuckin' hobbit?, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 3:02, Reply)

and ANOTHER one
in the Blue Jam Bad Sex episode, they're full of it,

"Cackle my Gladys"

"Shit your Leg off"

"Make your cum green"

etc.
(Dr Teeth Who asked you, you fuckin' hobbit?, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 3:00, Reply)

and another Chris Morris one
while he and Peter Baynham are discussing how to dispose of dead Johnnie Walker's corpse from the studio (this is live Radio 1 in 1994), Chris suggests to Peter just as a record is fading in, "Tell you what, why don't you skullfuck him?"
(Dr Teeth Who asked you, you fuckin' hobbit?, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 2:44, Reply)

Chris Morris always gets the best ones
"the twisted brain-wrong of a one-off man mental"

and in conversation with Cliff Richard - "Christ's fat cock!"
(Dr Teeth Who asked you, you fuckin' hobbit?, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 2:39, Reply)

Did I say
Cock juggling thundercunt yet?
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 2:31, Reply)

YOU FUCKING GREAT BIG POO
Said a 40 year old man to me tonight as he tripped over my foot.
(__, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 2:22, Reply)

the greatest
I once worked with someone I think may be the greatest curser ever to live. He was a Russian Argentinian, and indeed managed to combine scowling northerly pessimism with passionate latin fervour. He always repeated his curses twice, for maximum effect, in a spanish accent laced with slavonic phlegm, i.e. "THIS IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE THIS IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE" or "STUPID SHITPISS BASTARD STUPID SHITPISS BASTARD!" He actually saved most of his vitriol for inanimate objects, fortunately, and I luckily never ended up on the receiving end of his sweariness. My favorite of all his curses however was not directed at anyone, I think he had hit his thumb with a hammer or something and let out furiously with "COCKSUCKING JESUS COCKSUCKING JESUS!!!!"

I'm sure he can still get into heaven, they are supposed to be very forgiving.
(Ennui Kissinger, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 2:00, Reply)

A pretty good description
of a portly lady wearing tight trousers:

"Has an arse like a badly packed rucksack."
(grrrl, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 1:39, Reply)

Very few of these are mine.
My votes go to the following:

Knob Jockey (a product of my homeland)
Chocolate Thief (to describe a homosexual... curtoesy of a certain American webcomic)
Cuntyflap (also a fantastic exclamation in the plural... go on, try it)
Gnome Fucker (teenagers in a boring school lesson write down funny words... where's the surprise?)
Badger Tadger
Pigeon Licker
Spoon Feeler (getting a tad silly now)
Peculiar Oxymoron (very silly, blame Dominik Diamond)

Please note that all of these can be instantaneously improved by prefixing them with bastarding.

I think I'll like this QOTW, much less reading than usual.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Sun 7 Oct 2007, 1:32, Reply)

Here's two...
Dunno if it's bindun, but munters in general have 'a face like a bag of smashed crabs'.

I also like to tell sarky folk that they are 'about as funny as polio'. Generally gets them to shut the FUCK up.
(SE 27139 What the fuck is THAT?, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 1:06, Reply)

not that bad
used with mates: bawchops, cockjaw and fannybaws.
(......, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 0:58, Reply)

rofler
Cock-rocket

Cock-knocker

Skank-maiden

Douche-mama

Clunge-cluster
(djflayva, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 0:53, Reply)

Fannybatter
Just browsing through these insults and 'saw' fanny batter between posts


You're as thick as fannybatter

Fanybatter fuckface

Fancy a fannybatter knobcheese omlette?

Oh dear, I am out of ideas now.
(lordy lordy, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 0:42, Reply)

Out of the mouths of babes..
My stepdaughter, not ten seconds ago, ranting at Nelly Furtado on MTV:

"Oh, just die you manbitch!!"

Class!
(CantSleepClownsWillGetMe Likes: Turtles, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 0:14, Reply)

Dude, you're well skilled!
K2K6 said "Skill, according to our tiny minds, was an African Bum Disease." I heard it was an acronym for Silly Kid In Lezzy Land"!
(ianonline, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 23:47, Reply)

Petty insults
Current faves:
twunt
clunge
flange
you're as shit as kidderminster
you monk!

and my favourite new one:
clusterfuck
....just so many applications.
(Robbish is twitching & salivating like with myxomatosis, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 23:45, Reply)

Gay
I just love it, it get thrown around work so much. If any one asks a question the answe is "cos your gay"

I also like "your so inbread your classed as a one parent family"
(Special K I hope i dont look like the perv i am, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 23:43, Reply)

Saw a well known local millie a few weeks ago,
and asked my mate "would you?" his reply: "yeah, I mean she's not ugly...but have you seen her smile? Has a gub on her like a pan of burnt chips"
( Bamboo Steamer, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 23:37, Reply)

The ugly tree
She's so ugly she looks like she fell out of the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down, landed face first on the rocks, had her face set on fire and put out with a shovel!
(Polish bstard, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 23:23, Reply)