My girlfriend was late
whenshe forgot to take her pill.

Shit scarey and I ruined a perfectly good pair of knitting needles.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:13, Reply)

You can't handle the truth.
One midweek evening a few years ago, I was in the company of a most attractive young lady. After a couple of drink we retired back to hers for coffee (etc etc). The next morning I awaken to the thought that in my libido driven haste last the night before, I had forgotten to set an alarm on my phone (she hadn't bothered as she was off work all week).

I turn my phone on two find two things; 1) the time was 11:20am and 2) a voicemail message from my then boss enquiring as to my whereabouts.

I decided that if you are going to be late then it pretty much doesn't matter how late and was in no rush. When I eventually rang my boss to explain my no-show, the first thing that came to mind was a grandparent dying. I chose not to say this as I didn't want to tempt fate and so the immediate next gem of bullshit that left my lips before I could even think about it was 'I've broken my wrist and I've been in hospital (in East London) all morning'.

I should point out that at the time I worked for an NHS hospital myself and then spent the following 2 weeks with my left forearm/wrist in heavy dressing borrowed from friends in the A&E Dept sitting around not doing much work and occasionally being sent to have my sling re-fitted.

An interesting side note is that that afternoon as I was arsing about, my Father rang me at work to tell me he'd dropped the keys through my letter box only for my boss to tell him that I'd broken my wrist...good job I didn't use the dead grandparent excuse as that may have come as a bit of a shock to him.

Yadda yadda yadda length yadda yadda.
(LordMuck, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:11, Reply)

Claire
I was once seeing a student by the name of Claire. This one in fact:

b3ta.com/questions/scaryneighbours/post38552/

And it was our first proper date since losing her cherry. I was supposed to pick her up around 8 and then off to dinner and a club. Only flaw in the plan was that I had to pass the pub to get to hers. So, on nearing the pub I thought I'd pop in for a quick one before meeting her but found the pub full of my mates. Well, one thing led to another and before I knew it, it was 1am and I was pissed as a rat. Claire was going to be mega-pissed off.

Then a bright idea. I'd take her a present. All girls like presents and she'd probably forgive me.

So that's how I ended up in Claires flat with blood sheeting down my hands where I'd cut them, clutching a sapling I'd ripped out of the ground.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:00, Reply)

A lad who I worked with who went by the name of Monkey
was late by exactly a week. When he was asked where he'd been he said "Fucking.". Nobody believed him so he lifted his top to show his whole back was just a mass of scratch marks.

Lucky bastard.
( CowJam, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:00, Reply)

This Morning
Going to be a bit late this morning, Wife can't dress kids (just had foot surgery) youngest has just vommitted and shat everywhere so I have to clean that up, clean them up, dress them, strip beds, mop bedroom floor and take bedclothes down out of the way to be washed.

Did all this, just about to leave the house and Wifey asks: 'Do you mind popping into the back garden to get up all the dog shit as I want the kids to play outside today'.

A truly shit morning.
(Opanoid Look sweats dripping off them, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 13:00, Reply)

Always a winner...
Eurgh, sorry, I can't make it in today; I'm exploding violently at both ends. *pour gravel into toilet for effect*.

Nobody ever asks for more detail.
(Merrep, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:56, Reply)

Late..
Last contract I broke my little finger on Sunday night and had to take Monday off to get it strapped up. So I e-mailed the boss and told him I wouldn't be in until Tuesday.

So Tuesday, I bowled up to work and Boss pulled me.

"OK Legless - how did you break your finger?" says boss.

"I snapped it rescuing a little girl from a burning building" I said.

"Really?" says boss looking suitibly impressed

"Nah - I broke it in the pub trying to stab it through four beermats when I was pissed...."

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:53, Reply)

When I was living in Newcastle
I called up to let work know I was going to be late. They were a bit confused when I said I'd be in by the end of the week. For reasons I forget I decided going to france was a good idea and kinda got stuck there.
( CowJam, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:52, Reply)

Thank Fuck
The QOTW weeks has changed. For the first time, ever, I didn't read the entire thing. It was that fucking Indian sucking snot out of her brats nose that did it for me. Couldn't read any more after that. That's why I'm late....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:50, Reply)

I was once late for kindergarten

because I was terrified by a 'monster'. I started screaming, and refusing to go any further to school because it'd eat me.

It turns out that my friends were right: acid and teaching don't mix.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:48, Reply)

One morning I got a call from the boss asking why I hadn't turned up yet
I told him the commute was a bit too much and I wouldn't be bothering any more. He goes ape and shouts "YOU ONLY LIVE IN NORTH SHIELDS". I politely informed him I'd moved house over night and was now living in Oxford, about 260 miles away. He wasn't best impressed.
( CowJam, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:48, Reply)

Fake delay?
Drove a morning peak-hour train to Cannon Street some weeks ago - when we get there I'm due to 'change ends' and take the now empty train back to the depot.

Walking back through the train, a young bloke asks me if I could do him a favour - could he sit in the carriage and phone his boss to tell him he's going to be late, while I make a PA announcement claiming the train was 'being delayed'.

I nearly asked him if he was a fellow B3tan.

(And yes, I did help him out - I go the extra mile for my commuters! :-)
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:42, Reply)

On Holidays in Portugal recently
Myself and the wife were out for an evening meal. I decided to have one more beer before checking in on the kids.

Gerry McCann.
(Adaminho, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:38, Reply)

I've used a few in my time...
But my favourite was....

'sorry I'm late, my front door came off in my hand when I was shutting it....'

or

' I fell out the loft and winded myself on the bannister, took me a good half hour to get my breath back'.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:38, Reply)

Well you see...
I worked in dept store in Cambridge many years ago. I turned up 3 hours late one saturday with the excuse....
"Well I was coming back from Ipswich in a milk float, when it broke down"

Don't think he heard anything after float.
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:30, Reply)

I had been warned not to be late for work again
so the next morning to prove a point, I left the house an hour early.

The traffic on the dual carriageway was crawling along, I couldn’t understand it as it was never congested, especially at 7am, but I didn’t worry as I had 2 hours to get to work...

...An hour and a half later and I was shitting myself, I had only moved a few miles and the clock was ticking. I phoned work on my mobile, it rings and rings and rings...finally it's picked up and it's only the bloody director! I start to explain who I am and the predicament I’m in when I see what has been holding up traffic...

...A man was pushing his car up the dual carriageway, not to the side of the road but UP the sodding carriageway. My blood literally boiled, I was seething with rage at this moron who was about to cost me my job, so I wound down the window and screamed YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!! as I drove past...

...At which point I realised that I still had my mobile firmly pressed to my ear and that I had just informed the company director that I was going to be late for work because he was a stupid fucking cunt.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:24, Reply)

jaymierobber - at least you didn't
...miss the plane going *out* to bangkok. :( Yeah, I did that by a whole day too, suitcase in hand, at Heathrow.

I bought another ticket at the airport - couldn't face turning up at home all glum..

Out of pocket £500.
(shrollski Lrckr, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:24, Reply)

I usually hate to be late but...
I stayed at Mr Goddess house (in the days before we lived together) which was a 30-40 min drive from my house. Didnt usually stay mid week but it was his birthday. Woke up to a good covering of snow. As usual, the wankness of the weather (2 snow flakes and a bit of a nip in the air is all that does it these days eh?) caused the entire country to colapse in on itself gently sobbing and moaning that it couldnt cope. I get to work an hour late and apologise using the snow and the closure of several roads as my excuse (and the truth).
My boss says 'But you only live in the next road round the corner.'
I do, and it took a bit of explaining but I did get believed in the end.
Apologies for shitness and lack of humour, its the best you'll be getting from me on this QOTW.
( randomwomanwholikespink, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:23, Reply)

Oh yeah, and while I'm at it...
...at Bangkok Airport Terminal 2... circa October 2005…

Me: “Here's my passport and flight ticket etc....”
Impatient Thai Man Behind Desk: “Sorry Mr. Robber, your plane flew to Zurich yesterday evening.”

I’d missed my fucking flight. By a WHOLE DAY though.

Turned out I’d not really checked my return flight ticket properly and spent an extra day in the arse end of Bangkok than was necessary…
(jaymierobber, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:20, Reply)

pulled
Many years ago, I worked shifts in a call centre for a well known paging company. It were crap.

Anyway, regular excuses were things like (deliberately) turning up for the wrong shift if I didn't want to do the scheduled one and claiming I was confused by the rota.

Best one though was ringing up at 8 o'clock in the morning to ask my Geordie boss if I could have a day's holiday that day.

Why? he asks not unreasonably.

Well, I reply, I pulled last night and she's really cute, so I don't want to get out of bed.

The cool thing was, all he said was OK, see you tomorrow.

Result
(tone loc, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:20, Reply)

Oktoberfest
From: $Manager
Sent: Donnerstag, 28. September 2006 12:29
To: REC
Subject: Re: Where are you?!

REC, its already noon and you have not called the office to say your whereabouts. Are you working in home office?

# # #

From: REC
Sent: Thursday, September 28, 2006 14:14
To: $Manager
Subject: Re: Where are you?!

I'm in Prague. I'm not on holiday but I'm unable to work. I hope to be in the office tomorrow.

# # #

From: $Manager
Sent: Donnerstag, 28. September 2006 14:21
To: REC
Subject: AW: Re: Where are you?!

What does it mean you are in Prague?? You know that you can not take vacaction without first getting approval. I will have to talk about this to $ÜberManager and you may get the writte up for this. It is unacceptable and we will need to have a meeting when you return.

# # #

From: REC
Sent: Thursday, September 28, 2006 15:17
To: $Manager
Subject: Re: AW: Re: Where are you?!

There will be no meeting. This is NOT vacation. I'm here in Prague because I followed your directions to keep $Customer entertained. I escorted him to the Oktoberfest where, due to my connections I was able to get us into the otherwise closed Hobräu tent. $Customer was having a very good time. Too good a time, in fact. Suffice to say he's somewhat socially inept, even in the context of the Wiesen.

After having drunk four Maß glasses of beer he decided that he'd seen enough of the "cold-ass bitches" who shunned his attempts to become more sociable because "they must hate foreigners" and figured that what he really wanted to see was Czech capitalism in action, something he'd heard can be considerably cheaper than that business which is conducted in Germany. Due to my own consumption of seven beers, this didn't seem as bad an idea as it perhaps should have.

$Customer told the limo driver where to take us. The limo driver balked so $Customer handed him what appeared to be a couple hundred euros. After approximately three hours of driving, during which we discussed $Customer's plans as best as we could, we arrived on the strip as the A6 becomes the D5 at which point, $Customer found an object of interest but required some 11 minutes for the transaction. His business completed, he agreed that it was time to return to Munich.

The border guards were not of the same opinion. While we were waved through by the Czech guards on our arrival, the Germans decided to go by the book. Despite giving them my full information and it checking out, they refused to let me back in the country without ID, something I tend not to carry when dressed in traditional Bavarian lederhosen to participate in the Oktoberfest traditions. We drove to Prague and found a hotel.

I'm currently sitting in an Internet cafe near the Schoenborn Palace. The embassy says they hope to have temporary papers for me by tomorrow but will make no promises. $Customer has disappeared, presumably to the British embassy but for all I know, back to the strip along the D5 to further his understanding of Czech business.

Hotel, transportation and all other costs will appear on my October expense report.
(ReallyEvilCanine looks like an upside-down question mark with hair, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:17, Reply)

Sorry I'm late....
I was watching Cool Runnings and wanted to see the end.

Not a word of protest, despite me being an hour late.
( SubCulture Hero ... ... He... .... Comes ... ...., Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:10, Reply)

I don't phone in sick too often...
...but about two months ago, I didn’t make it into work, because due to vigorously towel drying my hair after stepping out of the shower, I twisted my neck too far to the right. I knew I’d hurt myself straight away, felt shooting pains down my back, and I couldn’t move my head to the left, a necessary thing for me to do, not just for work. I mean, call me weird, but I generally like looking in that direction sometimes. I had to sit down on the porcelain throne straight away and text my boss saying what I’d done. I wasn’t going to lie, I told him the truth. His reply was “You couldn’t make this up. You really couldn’t.” Walked down the stairs afterwards like some kind of hunchback because I couldn't stand up properly or anything. Was fine by the next day though.

True story that, and not the first incident of it’s kind with me.

I once slept on my left arm (whilst forgetting to take my watch off one night) to wake up with what looked like a developing blood clot under the skin of my left wrist where I’d cut the blood supply to my hand off during the night!!!! Absolutely shat myself and took two days off work due to the pain of only having one working arm.

I have still not lived that one down to this day. That happened over two years ago, and the last time it was referred to by my workmates was five days ago. But of course, it gets referred to as my "wanking injury".

Apparently you’re supposed to do a length joke here.
(jaymierobber, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:09, Reply)

She looked 18 to me your honour
She was in a night club and was drinking. SO she fooled everyone in there too.

Unfortunately in real life, the girls where 18 stone and no where near 18 (also on the plus side).


* it would be longer for your sister.
(waxdart hello., Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:07, Reply)

The only plane i've ever missed
...was by one month exactly to the minute. Apparently I picked June not July on the fucking website for date of departure (they do look awfully similar).

Upon asking for a discount on the flight I assumed I'd be taking, the response was "we offer discounts upto 2 hours after your flight has departed".

They were even less impressed when I asked them if they could "stretch that period ever-so-slightly to an extra 30 days and 22 hours?".

Wankers.
( slippery doctore, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:07, Reply)

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
When I was a student, I used to get the Silverlink metro service from Kenton to Euston every day. Kenton, being a pretty small station, often had nobody manning the ticket office, and the ticket machine was often not working. On this particular morning, both of these things had occurred simultaneously, and thus I had no way of buying a ticket. Never mind, I thought. I'll explain the situation and buy a ticket when I get to Euston.

So half an hour later I make my way to the excess fares booth and ask for a one day travelcard. This should have cost about £5.

Silverlink Cretin: That's £9.50 please?
Grandmasterfluffles: What?
SC: £9.50
GMF: Isn't it supposed to be £5?
SC: Not if you buy it at your destination.
GMF: WHAT??
SC: (adopts patronising tone) Well, if you'd bought a ticket at Kenton...
GMF: I couldn't buy a ticket at Kenton! There were no staff and the ticket machine wasn't working!
SC: It's not my problem, you should have bought a ticket at Kenton
GMF: So basically, because of your short staffing and your failure to fix that ticket machine, I'm being charged twice as much
SC: All complaints must be registered in writing
GMF: I'd like to speak to the manager please
SC: All complaints must be registered in writing. That'll be £9.50 please

Those ticket booths have perspex coverings for a reason - if it hadn't been for that I'd have punched him.

So I was late for my counterpoint tutorial because I was screaming hysterically at a Silverlink Cretin before handing over £9.50 when I was already at the arse end of my overdraft. Fuckers.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:05, Reply)

When I started a new job a few years ago
I was having a natter with the saturday lad (who started at the same time as me). The topic of "fantastic excuses" came up and I asked him what his best blag was.

"Major surgery"

Apparently he told his old bosses that he had to have a heart operation to get a few weeks off. He was my hero after that.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:03, Reply)

once upon a time
i was pelting around the house, already late for work, when i catch my foot on a door bar. the full run i was at gradually stopped as the pain signals worked their way up from my foot, where my second toenail was ripped in two and hanging off. being a man, i swore a few times, put on some loose shoes and hopped off to the NHS walk-in centre, who then sent me to hospital.

at the hospital i was given laughing gas while they reinserted my toenail, so that the new one could grow through properly. this done, i hopped off and caught the bus to work, knowing full well i was the only one of my team booked in that day.

so, i hop in, 4 hours late and in obvious pain, to do my job cos i'm the only one, having hopped and limped a total of 3 or 4 miles, and what thanks do i get? a bollocking for something minor i'd not done the previous day. hurrah. i wish i'd not bothered.
(court escaper, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:02, Reply)

My horses escaped,
and I've spent the morning rounding them up.

I don't have any horses.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 28 Jun 2007, 12:00, Reply)